I would like to hear from some of you who have lived together in the same house for a while after deciding to split up. Is it possible to do without going nuts? What about possibilities for reconciliation? It would seem to me more unlikely to happen if one person moved out.

I absolutely can't imagine how we could split up with all the stuff we've got, things that need fixing on the house, etc. - seems like months of work even if we both worked on it. And how to keep a job and sanity while looking for a new place, making new plans, selling house, etc.

In case you can't tell this just came up yesterday for me. My H is famous for being totally unrealistic about what is involved in making things happen. I'm sure he has no clue what we are heading into.

I'm lost, scared, mad... don't know what to do first, or where to turn. Can't concentrate at work... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We pretty much decided in Nov of '00 that we weren't going to work out and didn't physically separate until May '01. Those were the worst 7 months of my life filled with false hopes and dreams.

I mean think about it. When someone dies, they die in one day and your left to begin grieving and eventually healing. When my marriage died, I had to wake up every morning and relive it's last breathe.

If I had to do it all over again that's the one thing I would change. Emotionally it prevented me from grieving and really forced me to stay in denial for an extended period.

Deja,
I think LH's post bears consideration. Your post had some other facets to it so let me give you some things to think of, too.

It does help if you're doing Plan A to be in the same house.

Each state handles separation/divorce differently. In my state, H told me he wanted to divorce but the law said we had to maintain separate residences (not just beds, but under different roofs) for a full year. Personally this helped by giving me a year to plan for different scenarios. Are you familiar with what your state's laws are?

Bottom line, don't agree to anything (dividing property, selling house, etc.) until you've thought it through and are comfortable with your decision. Plan a "worst case scenario" and a "best case scenario". Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Hi Deja Vu,

I decided to D my WH about....5 months ago or so.However,he is still living here at the home and it's been pure he** for me.He got fired from his job last month and had to move home.His parents didn't want him to stay with them(can't blame them) and his homewrecking OW lives far away and even though I encouraged him to stay with her until he finds a job,he is still here.Legally I could not do anything to force him out so I try to get by each day taking care of my two girls.

Now that we are both agreeing to a D and we have started the Mediation sessions,I have tried to be calm and quiet but it's made everything worse.I cannot heal or move on or even cope well at all while he is here making things so bad.A few months ago I tried to do some extra Plan A'ing and he did notice how good it felt but it was not enough to pull him out of his selfishness.So I stopped doing it because it hurt to have no comfort back.

Fortunately for me though,I am going to get the home,a lot of money to live on(once he gets this other job) and just about everything in the home(appliances,books,funiture,etc)and sole physical custody of the girls.WH is giving up everything to be with this OW but I am very happy to not have to move or changes schools or lose much.Everything else we are dividing by half(retirement funds,life insurance,etc).

Since you do not have kids,that may make it easier to divide and conquer,especially if you worked too.I was a SAHM for years.Can you not keep the house for yourself? Maybe your WH can sign over his half of the equity?

There's no doubt that starting the whole process of division is painful.I cried and cried when we discussed parenting and other things at our first Mediation meeting.It was just profoundly sad for me.After 20 years,it's all going to end like this.

Anyway,I am sorry that you have to endure all this.If it helps,just start researching and gathering information as to how to proceed.A website called Divorcenet.com helped me with the basics in the beginning and there is a forum for discussion too for each state.

O

I will follow up on the legal issue, but here I am pretty sure there is no such law as you describe. A friend just went through a divorce and it was quick - maybe too quick.

The profoundly sad part is an understatement. Here's what's really getting me - he says he loves me so deeply and always will, that I'm his soulmate. Having been married and divorced once before, I do believe he and I are really that close and have incredible love for each other.

So, why can't we make it work? There is no hate, no animosity, though I'm sure I will go through an angry stage - but will never hate him. He is my best friend, and I can't imagine not sharing my day with him, my life with him. I love him deeply and always will. I can't accept that we can't find a way to make it work. It's just beyond my comprehension that we - of all people I know - can't make it work.

I guess deep down I'm hoping if we stay here together in this house awhile - with the depth of relationship we've had - we'll be able to sort out a different solution. But maybe it's just wishful thinking, or maybe it's denial on my part.

I suspect you are right that it is best to not stay together during this time - but I don't want to believe that. This is SO SO hard!

Deja Vu,
I have been living for months with my WH while we go through mediation. It is an emotional roller coaster. What I have found helps is to switch weekends (we have kids) and stay out of the house on the Friday and Saturday nights when I am "off duty". This has given me some breathing room where I don't have to watch his comings and goings. I am in the process of looking for somewhere else to live and it cuts into my job and concentration. I keep telling myself that there is an end to this eventually. I can't tell from your post if there is an affair involved. If there is and he hasn't taken responsibility for it within the first month or so of having exposed it then chances are he won't. It's hard to move on but taking care of yourself needs to come first.

M:18yrs/ 4 children ages 10-15
D-Day 5/03
Filed divorce 8/04

UPDATE:

He is going to stay here for now - I may regret this, but am hopeful it will help us patch things up. If not, at least some important things that need to be done around here will get done. I can't fix this place alone and there are major problems that need repair in order to sell it. Maybe selling the house isn't a bad thing even if we do work things out.

I get the feeling he wants to stay here too. Tonight he asked if it would be OK to give me a hug, and of course we had a long emotional hug out of the deal.

There is another side to this, and that's how he does, or does not, address conflict and express his needs. I have to consider whether I want to patch things up or not. This could be a show stopper - I really don't want to patch things up and spend my life worrying that things aren't working for him and he's not going to address it until it's too late.

Hi Dejavu,
From my personal experience I will tell you that staying together while your partner wants a divorce is a very difficult and VERY painful thing to do. I have been living this since last November. Almost a year now. We just got divorced and we are still in the house together. She is trying to find a place to live and I have allowed her to remain here while she does that.

Everyones situation is different. You have to have unconditional love and a very stong heart and mind to do this. Most average people can't last very long under these conditions with a nasty spouse without popping a cork and making things worse. If you can't plan A through the whole thing forget it. The minute you Plan B or even give them back just a little of the nastiness things can get real ugly.

I can see now that while I was seperated for a few months it was much easier to handle without having to have the mess in your face all the time. But when there are kids involved it's very difficult to stay away. I was back and forth constantly. I wasn't sleeping in the house at that point but there quite a bit.

Did staying together give us a better chance at reconcilliation, obviously not as we are now divorced. I do get accused of pushing to much which is also a bad thing when someone needs their space to figure things out.

If I had to do it all over again I would not have left the house. I would have stayed and kept the best darn Plan A I could. ( By the way it changes you to do this, which for me is a good thing. ) Gave me better insight into how the other half lived for so long and made it easier to understand where she was coming from. ) As far as I am concerned if you want out of the marriage you should be the one to leave. I never should have left but was having a difficult time witnessing her new lifestyle with no consideration for my feelings.
Before this all started I considered myself to be a very emotionally strong person. Boy was I wrong ! I had to learn PATIENCE, and we are talking years of patience, not being able to see the end patience. That is the tough part.

Is this a normal healthy thing to do ? Who knows ? It is what I believe God wants me to do.

Sorry running out of steam. Check out some of my posts if want more insight into this situation. Good Luck and God Bless,

David A

Thanks for the insights. A year seems a bit long to me - I don't think I could drag it out that long. Since he asked if I wanted him to stay, I am sure I could ask him to leave at some point if it isn't working for me.

So far, there is no nastiness here and I doubt there will be. Neither of us wants that.

I am not the one who wants out. I am not leaving. I told him tonight I'd like to see if we could refinance before he leaves so I could maybe afford to stay here. He said he had already checked out refinancing and joined his work credit union to make that option possible.

No problem with that.

Makes sense, sell the house together, at a good price, and then move out.

Makes sense in a smooth divorce.