So, it has been a long time since I've been on Marriage Builders. To make a long story short, six years ago this month, my wife came home one day and said she was in love with my neighbor. She was sleeping with him on and off for two years. The next three years, she dated several other men. All the while, I stayed faithful and dated no one and asked for a reconciliation.

A year ago I finally decided enough was enough and I was going to finish the divorce because I wanted to be free to consider other relationships and didn't want the pain anymore. All along, she NEVER gave me a hint of any interest in our relationship and in fact told me that it was divorce or suicide because she couldn't live with me.

I should note that we are both solid Christians and have three kids (ages 6, 8, 10) and we were believers when we got married. I never understood how she faced God each day through all this.

After this long and terribly painful journey, I am two days away from my final divorce (I just have to go to the lawyer with a witness saying we haven't lived together for a year). Literally out of the blue she approaches me this weekend and says "I made a mistake" and don't go through with the divorce! Nothing, nada, zero for six years and she pulls this the weekend before we get a divorce.

Let me add a couple more details. I have not dated at all this whole time. Six weeks ago I met a woman on a plane who saw me reading my Bible and we started to talk. We've been out a couple times as "friends" (nothing physical at all). I told her from the start that I wasn't divorced officially yet and needed to wait but I sure have enjoyed our friendship.

I've decided to definitely go through the divorce since I don't know how real this is with my ex and I'm never going to put myself into a vulnerable position like I have been again. If we are going to work things out, it will be on the other side of our divorce.

My predicaments are:
I don't love my ex anymore. After being rejected day after day for years, my heart is so wounded I just gave up. I still care for her but if I had a choice, I wouldn't get back together. However, I have stood for years on certain values and one is that us divorcing was foolish since there were no grounds on her side and it was harmful to our kids. I still feel it is harmful to our kids but we've made the best of things.

The next issue is that I'm more emotionally attached to my new friend than I realized. I had dinner with her this weekend and told her the truth that I may work on a reconciliation and I couldn't see her until I worked that out. She was very supportive and respectful but tonight, all I can think about is missing her. I know that she wouldn't respect me if I ended things with my ex over her and she would be right.

I don't want to break up my family and haven't wanted a divorce all along (as my user name says). It seems cruel to me that after all this time, she would turn at the very last second. In many ways, I feel used. She got to go play the field, check out a bunch of things and come to the conclusion that what she had at home was the best thing going. I got day and day out of heartache until I could take it no more and then had to basically lead in the divorce process every step of the way even though it wasn't my desire.

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like it would honor God if I wasn't gracious to her and tried to work things out but the thought is mostly repulsive at this time. I know biblically, I am free to say no if I want but I'd still feel like I was being a dirtbag.

There's lots more to say but these are the main points. I definitely screwed up a lot of things early in our marriage and don't see all this as a one way street but the last six years have pretty much been all her doing. Why didn't God just let me go? I feel like I've more than paid my dues.

I feel trapped by my own conscience. How could I face my kids ten years from now and explain why i wasn't willing to work on a reconciliation when there Mom was apparently repentant?

Don't know if there are answers out there but I'm open for input.

dontwantadivorce,

I'm going to speak to you one believer to another. I believe God "allows" divorce in cases of adultery. I believe God "allows" divorce in cases of abuse. I believe God "allows" divorce in cases where one is a believer and one is not, and the non-believer wants to go--that God "allows" the believer to be released from the vows if the non-believer chooses to go. In your case, you and your wife are supposedly believers (and I only say supposedly because I can not comprehend how a believer could justify having an affair and also still claim to be a believer), so I don't think you are released from your vow. God may "allow" a divorce on the grounds of adultery and subsequent mental and emotional abuse--but "allow" does not mean "prefer"!! It means that despite His preference, God might allow it to happen.

Dontwantadivorce, you are a dearly beloved child of God. You are precious and valuable, so I do not think God wants you to be hurt or to open yourself up to continuous wounds!! By the same token, His time is not our time and six years to give God time to work in your WW's life, in comparison to a 50 or 60 year marriage! Dontwantadivorce...your vows were until death do you part. Are you dead?? If not, then I think your vows still apply!

I have a question. You say you are days away from getting your divorce. Is there a "deadline" and then you have to start all over again, or is it something that could be postponed a month?? If I assume it is something that could be postponed, I suggest that you take the time to see if there are REAL changes in your WW of if it's just "last minute chitters." Has your WW faced her issues and gone to counselor for them? Has she made amends wherever possible? Has she repented and repaired? Do you see different ACTIONS? If not, then she is just blowing smoke and empty promises. If so, then maybe there is reason to have some hope.

Either way, the decision you are about to make is for a lifetime. Waiting for a short period (like one month) in order to make a wise life-changing decision is reasonable. But look for REAL CHANGES--look for "words" and "actions" to match. I don't think God wants you to stay perpetually miserable and hurt--after all, He loves you very much and your WW's words may be just more empty words--yet, you and I both know that He doesn't want you to rush into divorce either just because it's been six years or you now have a friend. Right?? Our purpose here is not to be spared from pain and suffering. In fact, suffering and pain make us stronger, more mature, and more intimate with God! Our purpose here is to LOVE as God loved us.

Selah (which is Hebrew for "think about this").


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel trapped by my own conscience. How could I face my kids ten years from now and explain why i wasn't willing to work on a reconciliation when there Mom was apparently repentant?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not YOU but your WW who will have to face the kids ten years from now and explain to them why she wasn't willing to work on reconciliation for 6 years and chose to sleep around with other men while their father suffered all that time?

My heart breaks for you. What a tough decision to make now after all this time. Seems to me if you decide to stick out the marriage, you will need some serious time and probably counseling to get through it all.

Maybe the questions you need to ask yourself are different ones. What is at stake for you if you wait it out? What is at stake for you if you say no to her? Seems to me you have paid your dues and do NOT deserve this guilt trip now. Also I do NOT think God wants us to be unhappy or miserable. So, if I were you, I'd be asking what destiny God has planned for you, go with it and don't have regrets.

Thanks for the comments. Tomorrow I go and sign the final divorce paperwork. She's really mad that I'm going through with this even though I told her I wanted to work on it on the other side. I know I'm taking care of myself with this choice but I want the emotional freedom of being out of this state of limbo. If for some reason, either one of us were to change our minds and want out, I just don't want to have to go through this grueling decision again. I'd rather choose to marry her again than have to face choosing to divorce her again (if that makes sense).

I have no idea what will happen from here. I know God has the bigger picture. My own response so far has surprised me about my heart. I always figured I'd be excited about reconciling but you do get to a place where dreams die I guess. My world is stable and happy now and this just throws me into chaos again. Of course, God does some of his best work in chaos so I'll trust that he will do whatever is best. If I'm missing the boat with him by getting the divorce, I'll repent but that is not in my heart at this point.

When you have been "unchosen" for so long, you need to know you are "chosen". I think I'll trust her more moving forward if she makes a new commitment, not a desperate grab at the last minute.

Thanks for giving me a place to sort things out. I have great friends but how do you explain this to anyone who hasn't (or isn't) going through a divorce.

DWAD

Don't
I think your plan is a good one. Six years is admirable. What dedication you have.

My thinking on vows is that our vows are not just to our spouse but in essence to God. We promise Him for forsake all others. You haven't broken your vow to Him-your wife has. Look how patient you were to your wife and now at the last minute she wants to reconcile.

I too had been pulled by my faith to stay in a horrible marriage...21 years. When I look back, I wonder why I didn't walk long ago and then I think, the time wasn't right then. It's right now. As Solomon wrote in Eccl.-there's a time for everything.

I know my husband too would gladly come back home and continue to live his life as he pleased with no thought of anyone else. Many, many times I took him back thinking that "this time" he meant it. People are just what they are. Oh I believe God can do a miracle and totally change someone's life but I have doubts that someone who is/claimed to be a Christian for a long period of time would experience that total change. I wonder if the heart is just so hardened...

I think the divorce with the possibility of seeing a big change in your wife's behavior over a long period of time and the chance of remarriage is wise. Given that, another 6 years is far too much time to invest again. This lady you met seems to be understanding and has a Christ like perspective. Like Dr. Blackaby says in his Experiencing God studies, all we have to do is look around to see God's will and climb on board. Look for what God is doing and follow Him.

While we don't always get what we deserve (thank you God for that one-I don't deserve forgiveness), you do deserve to have a happy peaceful life with a faithful woman. I wish you well...I wish you peace...I'll pray for you.

Your quote

"I don't love my ex anymore".

IMHO you have realized it's time to move on. That is where I am too. After 20 years!

It's difficult to understand.

I hope to find love again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dontwantadivorce:
<strong>Tomorrow I go and sign the final divorce paperwork. She's really mad that I'm going through with this even though I told her I wanted to work on it on the other side.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm. I know I'm coming late to the party, but I just wanted to say that in my opinion this is a good sign that you are making the right decision.

If your (presumably now ex-)wife had really repented and really wanted to make your marriage work, she would have understood and accepted the need to prove herself.

Thanks for the continued comments. I did sign the paperwork on Wednesday and frankly, felt great peace. She has since settled down some but is unclear whether she really wants to work on things.

As the days pass, the issue is becoming clearer to me. I think I am free to move on but I want to live to please God, not myself. If I had to make a choice TODAY, I would say no way. I'm not "in love" with her now, I'm not sure I can trust her to not leave again, and I don't know whether she just has some divorce remorse or a real change of heart on what it takes to make a marraige work.

The flip side of the coin is that giving my kids a family where their Mom and Dad are together is a HUGE deal to me. I'm guessing that if I put my hand to the plow, with God's help, I could make it work on my side and be a good husband and grow to love her again.

What is surprising me the most is how much my heart is saying "don't do it". Usually, my emotions don't grip me like this and my heart follows my head. My heart just wants to be coparents and go back to my life as it was. Six years is a loooong time to get adjusted to not being married to her. Sometimes I just find myself so angry with her for doing this at the last minute. Where was this person a year ago? Five years ago?

If you think of me, please pray for me. I want to please my God above all but I don't know what that means here.

Thanks,
DWAD