I just got married a little over a month ago and we were going to have the wedding in august but we had to move the date up so that the mother could make it to the wedding. She says we rushed into the marriage thing. and this is what she said to me.

I feel that a husband and wife should have a "best friend" relationship.
You would always want to be with them, want to spend all your time with them....
You should really know each other.
I honestly can not say that we are best friends. I guess maybe for me it takes a lot longer to develope the "best friend" relationship. You, however, may feel that we are.
But see? That is a huge difference. For one to feel 100% and the other only 50%.
I can't see how it can work with such a difference.

So she wants to leave me because she doesnt have the same feelings for me. We promised each other alot of stuff and I am having a hard time dealing with this. Any advise from anyone?

Darin

Darin,

First of all, welcome to MB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The weekends are very slow, so you may get more response if you post this on the Emotional Needs forum as well.

You have only been married one month. Did you ever hear the phrase "buyer's remorse"? Its not at all uncommon to commit to something and then have a sinking feeling that maybe this wasn't the best thing to do. Its possible you are both going through these emotions right now.

You loved each other enough to get married. But its somewhat disillusioning to realize marriage isn't a free ride. You have to work, and work hard, to build the kind of relationship every man and woman dreams about.

Please, give us some more information about you and your wife. The more you can tell us, the better. I am most interested in the depth and length of your relationship before you married. Did you date for a long time, did you live together? Why does she feel that you rushed into marriage? Why do you feel she is only giving 50% while you are giving 100%? Does she prefer activities with friends, or by herself, to doing things with you? Is the amount of recreation and socializing you did before you were married the same now, or are you looking to your wife to fulfill all your needs for companionship and expect her to do the same for you? Tell us as much as you can about why you think your marriage is in trouble.

Meanwhile, I suggest introducing your wife to the MB philosophies. Read the site, read the books, take the EN questionaire together and discuss the results.

I am 26 years old and she is 25. We went to the same high school and took some same classes. We were not boyfriend/girlfriend back then but I did have a crush on her you could say. I asked her to go to my senior ball and she said yes and we had a great time. After I graduated I left to server a mission for my religion and she got married to her boyfriend back then. She jumped into that marriage to get out of the house because her step father had been touching her for so long that she didnt want anything to go further so she got married to get out of the house. Her husband at that time didnt care for her that much. She thought that her life here on earth was to be an object for men. So she left him. She has been raped a few times and basically told me she didnt like sex. I was ok with that. I met back up with here back in novemember of last year. Just from her coming into my work. Towards the end of january we started dating everyday. Her step father and real mother live in california for the winter and utah for the summer. I didnt want her to be by her step father because of the past that had happened. Because it started to happen again after she was married and when she was divorced because she went back to live in their utah home. She was very depressed and suicidle. Until she met me. We had the best time before the marriage. So from just over the middle of January we dated every day. Everyday I saw her. I asked her to marry me on feb 22 this year and wanted to get married in aug. She wanted to push it up so that she would be with her step-father in the summer. And to make her mother happy because in may was the only time she could make it. When we were engaged she wanted to cancel the wedding 3 times. We talked about her concerns and worked them out and then she said that she didnt have any concerns about the wedding any more. The wedding went great we were married May 25th. And now the concerns came back about the marriage again. After we were married. She is going to see a psycologist on wednesday to talk about all the things happening in her life. I asked if I could go with and she declined the offer. She wanted to go by herself. She also has endometreosys.(Spelling?) I have helped her a lot through her pain. I just dont want this to end. I love her very much. I just dont know what do to anymore.

Before I met her she just stayed home and had no friends, slept all the time. We probably went out and did something, weather it was visiting family or going out to eat or doing an activity, about every 4 or 5 days. We did live together after we were engaged for about 1 month. She keeps telling me that it is her. She doesnt feel that it will work. Its nothing that I have done. Just how she feels. She used to tell me her feelings before we were married now she holds them in. I asked her if we should think about a marriage counslor and she said no. Because there was nothing to fix. Its just me not you. I just feel that is why the marriage is falling apart because the lack of communication and she doesnt think that would help either. I dont know. this is a very hard thing to talk about for me. I just dont want to loose her.

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: Darin ]</small>

Darin,

It sounds like your beloved has a LOT to deal with. I have no doubt your recent marriage is forcing her to confront a lot of issues she would rather forget. It also sounds like she may be suffering from depression. Some of the things you describe - such as sleeping all day, not communicating, and feeling everything is her fault and hopeless, could be symptoms. There are several good books on Amazon that will help you understand what depression is, and how it affects members of the patient's family. My SO has depression, and just reading the excerpts of the books on Amazon helped me understand the dynamics of the problem. Look up Breaking the Patterns of Depression by Michael Yapko.

She is doing the right thing seeking out therapy. You did the right thing offering to go with her. Don't be too disappointed if she wants the first session to be private between her and the doc. Be strong, be supportive, and follow Plan A right now - do ALL you can to fill her emotional needs without expecting her to meet yours. Men have been taking from her all her life. Show her that you are different - show her that you love her and you are eager to make her happy - but without pressure to get anything back. She is not your OBJECT, she is your cherished wife and you are her devoted husband. Help her to use her own resources to solve her problems so she will be ABLE to meet your needs in the future.

Be sure to introduce her to MB concepts, and invest in some of Harley's books. Let her see the life you want to create for the two of you. This will reassure her and give her the incentive to open herself to you, trust you, and repay your love in kind.

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: DoItRight ]</small>

well the thing is, is that she was depressed before she met me. She has changed a lot and I just feel that she is referring herself right back to those same feelings. I am sticking with plan A and have been very supportive of her. She is not my OBJECT. I have shown her a lot of love and she told me she just doesnt feel the same in return. I had a chat session with her this morning online and this is the email she sent me.

Darin, please....

If you really truely think that marriage is the only way to be a whole person... I don't know what to tell you. I can tell you that is wrong, but I don't think you believe that. You are going to survive. I promise. There is nothing wrong with you at all. The whole reason I have been thinking of getting our marriage annuled is NOT because you are a problem. It is because, after getting to know you and feeling how we work with each other and learning your personality, I just plain old feel things will not work out between us. There are thousands of people who are best friends, but know they could never be married to each other. It's just something they know will not work out as far as marriage goes. I feel you are putting way too much into this whole marriage thing. Can you see into the future? Do you honestly know what will happen? One thing I know for sure, is that your life is NOT over. I know this because I felt the SAME WAY. And look at me now. I'm still here. I've done a lot of learning and growing. I am in no way perfect, that's for sure! But I am still here. And let me tell you, my family is sure happy about that!!!! My mom had me monitored everywhere I went. She always had to know where I was and what times I would be at what places. I can't believe I put her through that worry. I KNOW it was not worth it. I honestly believed that ending my life would solve everyone's problems. I thought I was the main problem, and I had to make that "problem" (me) go away for good. Well, do you know what kind of new, bigger, much worse problems that would cause? WOW, I don't want to find out!

Alright, let's make a deal. I am going to see a therapist. She is NOT going to fix things in one session. So I will be going to see her a lot. She will help me figure myself out; help me learn about myself and find out why I do the things I do. If, after I've seen her for a while, I still feel this marriage won't work out, we will end it. The only reason I did not want to do that is because I did not want to hassel with the divorce paperwork and all that crap. An annulment is pretty much a void of the whole thing. But you only have a certain amount of time to get it done. But I'll work that deal with you, and maybe, after I figure myself out a little better, I will feel differently about our marriage and we can work it out. Tell me what you think about that, ok? I AM getting therapy and moving on with my life wether you want to do that deal or not.

WHat should I do now?

Darin,

Your wife brought a lot of issues with her into this marriage. I'm sure you married for good reasons and want to make it work. Perhaps her reasons were not as good. You have to be patient.

My situation is similar, tho my W didn't have any previous marriage or sexual abuse. She had a very hard live, war, survived a massacre, orphanage, adoption, physical and verbal abuse. My W says that her Mom "made her" marry me. Like your W, mine broke the engagment (or tried to) a number of times. We have had trouble right from the beginning.

So, looking back at my mistakes and trying to advise you.

Do not push her or make her feel cornered. Don't tell her about her responsibilties. Don't tell her you can't live without her. Don't load her up with guilt.

Be strong in yourself.

She has spelled it out, she wants you to be her best friend - not somebody who lives for her (a best friend doesn't do that), not somebody who cannot live without her (best friends might get along fine without you). She wants somebody who builds her up, cares about her - challenges her to be her best. Demands nothing from her. Believes in her.

Be patient with her. Give her time to figure out her life.

Friend, when I had been married one month, my W was spending hours on the phone with her other boyfriend (OM) - at over a dollar a minute (he was in Europe). She was smashing all the china in the house. Though a student, she refused to go to class. Etc. etc. It was terrible for both of us.

Later, she said that she just didn't know how to talk about things - didn't know how to say "no". Didn't know how to explain that she really didn't want to marry me. Didn't "have a voice". She learned. We settled down a little. We had a child. She moved out. We struggle along. She tells me often that she doesn't love me and only wants to stay married for our daughter's sake.

I'm not suggesting divorce, but only that you have an opportunity now to get things straightend out before you go forward. Read "Give and Take". Make sure you are not pushing her to agree to something that she is not enthusiastic about.

And, for sure, don't have kids until you both are fully committed to the marriage.

-AD

Darin,

And another thing...

Your W has never had a chance to learn to live on her own - to be self-reliant. She needs that. Help her get there. Don't do everything for her - especially things that she shows any sign of doing for herself. Don't treat her like a child. She's not a little girl.

-AD

Wow AD your Relationship sounds exactly like my W except for the kids part. She as of right now doesnt want my kids. For right now I am just sitting back letting her do her own thing and hoping that the theapyst says the right thing to here. THat is what I am worried about right now. I know that she loves me and cares for me. But its at the level of a good friend she says. I thought this marriage thing was going to be easy until just about 5 days ago. Should I be worried if she isnt wearing here ring anymore? She tells me its for two reasons. One is of coarse the whole marriage thing and the other is because it doesnt match her clothes she says. Is that something I should worry about?

any advise on my last post?

Darin

All I can say is you are going to need time and patience. You can't save her from her past and you can't save her from her depression. You can help her by being supportive but the depression will continue to come back and her past will continue to haunt her until she learns how to deal with it. That takes a lot of time and work on her part. There are so many things to come to terms with and so many ways rape can affect you that you don't even realize.

You mentioned that she feels like you need her. She said that your life is not over without her. She probably can't handle being needed right now. Maybe it is hard for her to keep herself together much less feel like someone else is depending on her. Just let her know that you love her and will be there for her without making her feel that you need her. In this case sometimes your actions speak louder than your words. but I did not read anything that suggested what exactly you did that she was responding to. After dealing with things like this relationships are hard to deal with. Commitment is scary. Getting too close to someone is scary. Trusting someone is scary. Sometimes too scary to deal with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am going to see a therapist. She is NOT going to fix things in one session. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is good that she realizes this. That is a good sign. She seems prepared to deal with this however long it takes - and it will take awhile. The healing process for something like this will probably take years.

I am not sure how much what I am saying will help. I can say that from what you wrote that it looks like you have a good chance of working things out in the future. Just don't rush her or you could push her away.

here is what she said to me just recently.

Darin....
There is no problem that needs to be "fixed" And I certainly do not feel that the therapist I am seeing will "fix me" so that I will be happy with you. That is not why I am going to her. I do not need to find out why I am not happy being with you and then fix it. Because I already know the answer. And there is nothing that needs to be fixed about it. Plain and simple, I am not in love with you as a married wife should be. I like you as a friend, but my feelings for you do not extend that. I really don't know how else to put it?
I do care for you and wish you the very best in your life. But I know things with us will not work out as long as it's a one sided relationship. There is NOTHING wrong with either of us. We are both perfectly normal and fine. So please don't think there are any problems needing to be fixed.

what do I do now?

thanks for you help everyone. I am having a tough time with this and am in a setting back mode right now. Just waiting and seeing what happens.

Darin