Thing One

You may remember that I moved DD and DS to a new school (same area) this fall before classes started because of problems at the old school (not meeting state criteria, not offering options DS needed, etc.) and that DS, XH and XMIL were against the move. DD did not have a problem with changing schools.

Well, XMIL has been continuing to go to the old school, don't know if she is volunteering or what, now she's coming back to the kids telling them all about the people they don't see anymore, the fun stuff the school is doing, the places they are going, etc. Why do that to a kid you say?

I believe it is nothing more than another attempt at parental alienation ... not just to make them mad at me for changing schools but to keep them mad about it and angry at me on a regular basis! For the very first time, DD complained about missing the old school, that night after XMIL told her about stuff going on there. XMIL has been horrible about it since day one of separation and it was quiet for a while but since I must have angered 'her highness' when I won the court battle to move the kids, she's got her claws in again. grrrrrrr

Thing Two

Now, XH wants to talk to me when I pick up the kids last night, I get them in the car and stand outside in the cold to hear him out, and he starts complaining that I am keeping him out of their lives by not telling him that they are seeing a counselor, that I am trying to be the only parent, that I am violating the order, etc. First of all he was in the doctors office when she told us both that while on Strattera DS should have regular counseling! So it should have come as NO surprise to him that I am taking him. DD wanted to also talk to the counselor after DS went a couple times, so I let her! Now XH is blasting me with, what are you hiding, what are you afraid I'll find out, etc. and being a real jerk about it.

What really angered me is that he was grilling DD about what she talked to the counselor about!! I have made it VERY clear to both of them that what they say to 'S' is private and just between the two of them, that I don't hear about any of it from 'S' unless the child and 'S' agree to tell me something, wanting them to feel free to vent their anger at me without fear of repercussion. Now XH is asking me 'Why is the counselor asking DD if she wants to live with her mom or her dad?!' and suspecting me of ... who knows what.

I am beyond frustrated, really. Not sure what to do. I want to send XH a nasty letter about interfering with DD's counseling by interrogating her about it ... but right now I just needed to vent and cool off. Advice?

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: xpButtercup ]</small>

xpB:

I think you have it right. Vent here, not in a letter 2 xH. That would only draw you in2 his desired arguments. If you send a letter - not a bad idea - just reiterate the facts.

best,
-ol' 2long

Grrrrr, so sorry about this horrid behaviour by XMIL and X.

Can the therapist speak to your X and explain about the confidential nature of the therapy, but also welcome him to participate as a parent as you are doing . Should he have concerns or issues with a child , he is welcome to work together with the therapist and the child in sorting out whatever it is. This takes you totally out of the triangle and answering as to why a child needs therapy . Good luck .

I agree with amnow.ok, have "S" deal with "X" and it takes the pressure off of "U".

As for XMIL, let her do her thing but when the kids come to you about missing this or that from old school, I would be prepared with something about the new school that can make the things they miss not so bad.

I'm not saying to compare them, but find a way to lighten the subject in favor of the new school.

OK so they miss this friend, but the lunches are much better at the new place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WIWH

Maybe it wasn't one of my better ideas, but I did write a short note about it for him because he demanded to know about the kids' extracurricular stuff and since I know he won't let it go, and I respond better in written form when I've had a chance to review my words than verbally when I am cornered, this is what I said:


October 22, 2004


Humperdinck,


My letter dated July 11, 2004 informed you that I would be seeking counseling for DS and asked for a copy of your medical insurance cards. Possibly you overlooked it, as you did not provide any insurance information.

The children see 'S' from {group} in {city} at the hospital. He can be reached at {phone}. Their appointments are every other {day}. They currently have individual counseling. Next time they are going to go in together and try to work on some sibling issues. If they want to try family counseling, including one or both parents, you will be notified.

I would appreciate you not grilling the children about what they talk about in counseling. I have stressed to them that it is “private” and that 'S' will not tell me what they said to him UNLESS they want him to help them share their feelings. It is important that they feel safe in talking to him and don’t get interrogated afterward. I don’t know what they talk about, but DS has a much better attitude after each session so I feel it is helping him. DD just started and I have not yet noticed a difference.

DS started {activity} this week. His coach is 'B' at the {school} library, and he rides to practice with another student. Practice is {time} pm every {day}. No tournament schedule yet.

DD started {activity} this week also. Meetings are every other {day} from {time} pm in {school} science room.

Will you be picking up DS and DD after school on Wednesday, {date}? It is a half day of school and dismissal is {time}. Conferences are {time} pm for DD and {time} pm for DS, unless you scheduled your own appointments. Also, Friday, {date} there is no school. I can drop the kids off at your house on my way to work. Otherwise I can have them go to {day care} both days. Let me know by {date}.

I appreciate your future cooperation with co-parenting issues as they arise.

xpB

He never answered my questions about picking up the kids on the half days. I had to call and talk to his mother about it.

I finally have an IEP meeting. I asked for an IEP for DS at the beginning of the school year. He is struggling this year and did not get all A's this time around. He really blames the school for his problems and refuses to do the work.


[vent on]

Oh and guess what. While waiting for the referee hearing at Friend of the Court, not one but two other parents came in to "sign off" on child support. One because her "kid" is now 29 years old and she knows she's never going to get the money through FotC, because all they do is keep putting her ex in jail, then when he pays they take the first cut for legal fees that they incurred, and she still gets nothing. The second person was a father who now has custody of his 16 year old daughter. FotC wanted his ex to pay CS to him, and he doesn't want it. They actually argued with him to sign up for it in case he ends up on public assistance. (That way they can collect CS if and when he does need assistance; he won't get it.)

Anyway after all that, they review my income and my ex's income. The attorney I had in July said that with my new child care expenses, my ex should be paying about $600 a month. Well, my ex lost his job last year and took a new, lower paying job. So after they factored in his lower income, the fact that he pays for insurance on the kids (which does not benefit them because he won't give me cards for them) and some other garbage spewed forth from our referee, I am still going to receive $75 a week for two kids.

It wasn't so bad when he was actually helping with school clothes, winter coats, school trips and lunches, etc. but now that he isn't my expenses are much higher. Just annoying. I should have had FotC review CS when I was only making $6.90 an hour part-time while attending college, huh? grrrr

[vent off]


It's okay. I never "count on" CS funds because I never know how long he'll stay at a job. I try to make ends meet on my own and use CS for the nice things that we can't afford without it.

Xpb,

The letter sounds good and shows your trying to work with him--

Maybe you can mention to the kids counselor whats going about their dad grilling them about their sessions--they can learn to share their feelings about that as well, both positive and negative and maybe he can work with them to tell dad--

"Dad, when I'm ready to talk to you about what we discuss, I'll tell you, but until then please do not push me"

Where they can learn to stand up against his manipulation and bullying too--in a respectful way

And as far as Ex-Mil goes--ask the kids how it makes them feel to hear about those things--

Then acknowledge their feelings about missing friends at the old school and how hard that must be for them--and ask if there is anyone over there they would like to call and see about getting together with one weekend--that way they can see their old friends--as well as continue to grow in their new school--

And also remind them of the positives of the new school and how many more friends they have now--
the old and the new--

Do you remember the old song--Make new friends and keep the old one is silver and the other is gold--

Why do my kids come home from their weekly visits with dad COMPLETE BASKETCASES?

Not a block from dad's house last night, my DD (almost 7) started crying and saying she wanted her dad and I to get married again. She was 2 when we separated and has never done this. I handled it, but she just continued crying the rest of the way home and in bed.

Son said we should go back to switching every four days (the very first temporary custody arrangement - it was awful) and I told him how difficult it was to plan anything in advance because they would be in different places on different days of the week.

I said maybe you could see dad an extra weeknight every week, since not counting time sleeping or in school, days were split pretty fairly equal between dad's house and mom's house. We tried different days of the week but all were shot down because of stuff that they like to do after school. DS didn't want to give up anything to stay at dad's an extra weeknight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So he countered, why not split summer two weeks at dad's and one week with you, instead of switching every week, to make it fair?

And I tell you, I can't see a problem with that.

Except DD didn't agree ... and she's never been one to accept more time at dad's when it was offered. She still isn't treated the same as DS.

What a train wreck. I think he vented in front of the kids about not liking my *suggestion* of how to split winter break. (We both get 8 days.) It is very vague in our order, what can be done if we don't agree by then?

YOU are the parent. YOU decide. Do not leave this up to kids who do not know really what they want!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong>YOU are the parent. YOU decide. Do not leave this up to kids who do not know really what they want!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not letting the kids decide ... just taking their wishes into consideration. End of this past summer, I was tempted to send them to dad's for the whole thing next year. Going through "detox from dad's" is not worth doing every week.

And since he's financially screwed me out of what he should be paying for day care, it saves me $200 a week if they go to dad's instead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Maybe he SHOULD have to deal with them for more than a week and let them see that he can't be "Disneydad" every day!

xpButtercup,

So let your son know--

If you really want to do that--then you will have to give up some of your activities after school--that's just the way it is--you can't have it both ways--

he needs to learn to deal with making these tough choices even at his age--*it will help him in the long run* as he will learn about choices--and consequences of those choices--good and bad--

And as far as YD not wanting to go--that is understandable if grandparents spoil DS more--

how long do they have summer break?? Maybe send them to dad's for 1/2 the summer and you keep them 1/2 the summer?? You get the first half--or he does--doesn't really matter which--

But it could be easier on all, instead of doing the split every week---