I had reached a point where I thought that truly my WxH had reached the bottom of his hole and could not possibly dig himself in any deeper - wrong!

This weekend I was out of town. I allowed my ex to stay in my new home with the boys, because he does not have room for them in his apartment. I have allowed this several times this summer becuase it seems to be the only way I can get him to spend time with the boys. I know he loves them - and they all enjoy their time together - but he makes no effort to spend time with them unless I set it up. So when I travel for business I have him stay at my hosue.

As I was driving home I checked my voice mail messages. Message from my ex:

"I did not want to tell you this on your voice mail - but I have something to tell you and I can't wait until you get home. I am seeing someone (I will call her Mary). Mary and I first got together at your birthday party and we have been seeing each other ever since, and she told her H about us this weekend, so I needed to let you know. I know you think I am an idiot, and we can talk about that later, but for right now I am very worried bout her becuase she is depressed and I need you to look in on her while I am out of town. (He left to go hunting and will be gone all week)

Yes - she is married. Yes - I invited him to my birthday party - and yes she is a friend of mine. Both she and her H were at my party. That was on September 25 - only one month ago.

Furthermore - she has 2 boys, same ages as mine. Her oldest plays football with my oldest.
Just last Thursday I sat at the game with my ex on one side of me, she and her H on the other side of me.

Get the picture here?
Now the oldest gets to go to school and see this other boy, knowing that their parents are "seeing each other" while she is married. All ready we have to deal with the whole "where is everyone going to sit at the football games and watch so that it will not get ugly."

And this was a friend of mine. I am not mad at her at all. I know she has been having trouble with her H for months now. I am just disgusted that my Ex can still not seem to understand that MARRIED PEOPLE DO NOT "SEE" OTHER PEOPLE!

Why is that so hard to understand??

There are plenty of single woemn in the world. Heck - he has several single women he talks to on his cell phone on a regular basis. But instead he has to find another vulnerable woman who "needs him". He even had the nerve to tell me that he wanted me to look after her while he is gone.

He called today and I let him have it - I am tired of having to explain to my boys that I still believe marriage is forever, while their dad is involved with his second married woman.

I am tired of being embarassed in public becuase my ex has another married GF.

I am tired of trying to figure out the seating chart for my sons games.

My ex is truly the most selfish, self absorbed person on the face of the earth.

He even had the nerve to tell me that I just don't understand Love and that is why I am divorced.

What a toad.

How cruel and thoughtless of him to ask you to look in on her so he could enjoy his hunting trip.

I am so sorry you had to deal with that. You're a better woman than me -- I would have just whaled on him...

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: Liliane ]</small>

"He even had the nerve to tell me that I just don't understand Love and that is why I am divorced"

You should have told him you must not understand the meaning of marriage and that is why you are divorced.

What is up with him does he think this is going to turn out any difference. Maybe he should put away his tarnished knight suit and get some help for his self destructing habits.

You should have told him you must not understand the meaning of marriage and that is why you are divorced

Rolling on the floor laughing my butt off!
I didn't think I could find anything funny about this, but you have proven me wrong.

This woman jsut called me. "I don't know why you are so pissed off"

I said "that is the thing - you are getting your info from him, and again it is not accurate. I am not pissed off. I am dissapointed. I am sad that I have lost a good friendship with you. I am disgusted that he continues to date married women, that he continues to show our sons that marriage has no more meaning then a typical high school romance. I am not pissed. For him to even say that is typical of his immature outlook on life"

I told her that I am not going to discuss the situation with her, and will no longer listen to her talk about her bad marriage, and how much she wishes she could afford to divorce her husband.
But its not becuase I am angry - I can't talk to her about it because I would likely remind her of the awful way he has treated me in this past year and a half, and later I would be accused of "trying to break them up". If I say anything bad about him - I will be accused of being a bitter ex wife. If I say anything good about him, later when they break up she will ask me why I didn't tell her what a jerk he is.
And if I continue my relationship with her - it would be as if I have validated his decision to pursue another married woman. I am still trying to teach my boys that marriage is supposed to be forever. God help me - it is getting harder all the time.

No matter what happens between the two of them - my relationship with her has been blown apart. I have sat next to her at games, at a banquet, heck I have had her over to my house to visit several times this past month. Never once did she mention her relationship with him. If this relationship was ok, then why the secrecy?

And I told her that he was no longer welcome in my home, and neither was she. That he is still welcome to see the boys whenever he wants to - but he will need to take them to his own apartment. that shocked her - she said "but it has been so good for the boys to have him over to their own house, you need to continue that." I told her that I needed to set my boudaries a little higher.

I am sure you all will understand my concern here - he started this relationship AT MY HOUSE - at my birthday party. I can just see those two trying to use me as their safe house. I would go out of town - he would stay there, she would come over to spend the night. I didn't share that with her - but we all know that would have been the next step.
At the end of the converstaion I told her that I am just sad that I have lost her friendship - I don;t care so much about him, because I knew what to expect from him at this point. But I will miss the relationship I had with her.

And you know what really makes me mad? I will be caught up in his drama again. I am such an easy-going-vanill-flavor person. I do not like drama. I spent 18 years of marriage cooking, cleaning, palying tacxi, going to church, singing in the choir.
But ever since he left it is just one drama after another.
I know how this week will go. he will keep calling me to try to validate this latest relationship. She will try to repair the friendship. Her H will call me to cry on my shoulder. Other friends will ask me what is going on. It will be a mess. Again.

Am I crazy here, or is he just very sick??

He's sick. An idiot. And a jerk. You seem to be very very healthy and dealing with this far better than I would. I think you did the absolutely right thing in ending your friendship with her and not allowing him to stay at your house anymore so you dont enable them.

Maybe she will think about how much she has to lose in all this...friends, her marriage, and even him as he doesn't sound like a keeper.

((hugs))

Hi WOF,

I usually post on the GQII board and I have only been lurking for a while now.It's been too much for me to post lately BUT.....I had to respond to your post.

In all the time that I have been here,my jaw has dropped only twice,your post made it three times.I cannot believe how LOW your WxH just went.For one thing,I give you credit for not blowing your stack at the "friend" even though she deserves a good "talking to".But to have your WxH betray your trust again in allowing him to come to your HOME under the guise of being a good guy and now he is up to his old tricks just like a dog.My God,if I were you,I would never speak to the man again.I understand your concern for your boys having time with your WH but if he is going to be so selfish and childish as to not see them unless it's under YOUR roof,then it's his loss.Your boys,at this point,do not need to be around their father when he is acting like this.It's just bad news all around.GROSS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

ARGH.I am fuming for you.I would put as much distance between myself and that man as I possibly could.He is just pathetic and so is the friend.Let them have each other.What a great pair that would make.Geeze.If it's one thing I personally will not tolerate anymore it's the wayward,selfish,painful,pathetic actions of these people.They drag you down and into their insane little world and the next thing you know,you are just depressed and angry all over again.yuk.Yes,your WxH is very sick,no doubt about that.So is the friend.Another painful but necessary loss you may have to endure at least until she cleans up her act.But that may take years or longer.I say cut her loose.Who needs friends like that?? that get involved with your former X while married?

Disconnect from the drama.Make yourself totally unavailable to them in every way.

O

My jaw also dropped while reading this post--but not by his actions, by the way you handled it!

I especially loved your response of "No, I need to set my boundaries higher"!

You gave me a very good example of a higher goal to strive for. Thanks!

As for what you're "trying" to teach your boys, I wouldn't worry at all. You ARE teaching them by example--undramatic example at that! I'm sure they're getting it.

Take care

Thank you everyone.
Your replies have truly helped me.

You know how we all have a tendancy to second guess ourselves. I knew in my logical mind that I was doing the right thing, but in my heart I was starting to doubt myself. When this woman said to me "telling him that he can not come over to your house anymore is not good for the kids, the kids really need that relationship" I started to doubt myself. But I told her "I was unusual in the first place - that I even allowed him to hang out here as much as he did. Plenty of divorced people do not allow their ex to hang out in their house. Her response was "I know it was unusual - but it was good - I hate to see that stop"
But I told her - "I am afraid I have sent the wrong message to you and everyone else - I have been nice to him, I have included him in my parties, I have sat with him at games, I have made it appear that he is healed. That he has returned to being a nice guy - a man of honor - but he is not. I need to set up a better boundary. He has treated me with a lack of respect for the last time.
Isn't it disgusting that she would readily admit that I had done the right thing for my kids before - I was encouraging a realtionship with their dad. I was making him welcome in their lives, by welcoming him into our home. She says that was a good thing for the kids. Yet, she still went into a relationship with him with absolutely no consideration for what the consequences would be. Honestly, I think they figured I would bless their adulterous relationship, and they would be invited for dinner as a couple.
Don't get me wrong - I will not keep the kids from seeing their dad. I will continue to encourage them to see him. It will just need to be at his apartment now. Thats all. And I will no longer invite him for dinner. He will need to pick them up and take them somewhere else. I actaully invited him for dinner last week - and made his favorite meal. I am not interested in "dating" him. Not at all. But I felt sorry for him. Figured he was lonely, and would appreciate a good home cooked meal. I went to the trouble to fix his favorites. That was only a week ago. He knew what he was up to at that point, and said nothing.

You have all helped me to stay on the right course. Thank you.

I'm glad you won't be continuing a friendship with MOW, because she certainly knows which button to push to try to manipulate you or to at least make you doubt yourself--you don't need that drama in your life.

I would be extra careful of anything she says that includes "but it's so much better for your boys".

Your boundaries are not out of line--her attitude is.

Take care

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by womanoffaith5:
I am disgusted that he continues to date married women, that he continues to show our sons that marriage has no more meaning then a typical high school romance.
. . . I am still trying to teach my boys that marriage is supposed to be forever. God help me - it is getting harder all the time.
[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Many years ago, I was seeing a therapist after a breakup with a man I truly loved (5 year relationship) and could not understand what happened. My therapist basically told me that he had turned me into his mother. That we no longer had a loving man/woman relationship but a mother/child relationship. I am such an easy going, talk-to-me person that he was telling me everything about his affairs, his new girlfriend and the troubles he was having with her etc.

Ever since then I have been on guard against allowing my relationships to turn into that again. You are right to set the boundaries you have not only because it sets a VERY bad example for your children but also because it reinforces the new relationship your XH seems to want to establish with YOU. He wants you to be his mother confessor. DOn't accept that. He still gets the comfort he needs from you without having to give anything back. Just my opinion but it will bring you no solice at the end of the day if you accept this new 'relationship' he seems to expect from you.

Rosie -
That is very interesting. Thank you for the insight.

I suspect you are right on. I find that I constantly "feel sorry" for him, and try to protect him - not because I love him, or desire a relationship with him - but it is more out of pity, and feeling that I am the only one who can or will help him.

This last action of his has even alienated me this time. Last night I was even thinking to myself "How is it that he honestly thought I would accept this latest realtionship?"
And I was starting to think that perhaps I have bailed him out too many times - I have been kind and accomodating to him for too long, and I am not allowing him to go out and feel the consequences of his own actions. In essence, I am mothering him too much.
Of course I do it because I think I am doing what is best for the kids. However - this time the kids need to see that the consequences for his actions are going to be his own to deal with.

A quick update -
He called me again last night - wanted the home phone number for OW and her H. He has their cell numbers but not home. He wantd to call the H and tell him to "do whatever it takes to fix his M - get counseling - do everything he can to make her happy" that he wants to back out of the relationship, and only wants to see OW happy - and figures it would be best for her to stay with her H and work things out. The drama continues.
I told him the best thing he can do is leave the man alone - let him work things out on his own. But my WxH has to be involved in everything. Truly he is the King of drama (what he calls Passion)
all of that was predictable. But the thing I am upset about - he called older son and told him that "Mom made up that story about me dating OW - she exagerated it. I am not seeing her - we are just friends." I have a voice mail, on my cell, where he SAYS "we hooked up at your party and have been seeing each other ever since" It does NOT say "we are just friends"
But I am not going to let my son hear the message. No need to further create problems between them - I KNOW my WxH will do something else - soon - to show that he is lying to his son. I know this man - he will continue with her, secretly, until it comes out again, and he will be forced to face his son.

Once again, I will jsut take the high road, and allow this man to show his true self.

Hi,

I am new to the divorcing site, but I lurk often and rarely post. It still amazes me how our H's come up with these lies. WOF5 I am feeling the same things that your are at this point. I think I am enabling my H too. I have filed for a D from him and he continues to live with his OW all the while professing to love me and our two babies. I listen to him and support him and yet am getting nothing from him in return, but more unfulfilled promises.

I do not want to reconcile with him, but you know how you still hold out hope that one day (soon) they'll see their ways and change? He does not even recognize that he has caused this seperation of our family. My H now has a 2month old daughter with his OW (conceived while having his affair and living with me and our kids as H & wife). He claims he does not want her, but does nothing to change his situation.

He even continues to get angry with me when I back up my words with actions. He is now upset from last night because I stopped his supervised visits with our kids on time. I was allowing him to go over since he is constantly late, but no more. I am always feeling guilty for setting boundaries, and hurt that I might be hurting him? I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! So why do I? All in all reading you post made me think about all this and just wanted you to know that you are definately not alone.

WE should set BOUNDARIES and stick to them or else they will not feel the consequences of THEIR ACTIONS. I think a few burned BUTTS might make them think harder before they DO IT AGAIN!!!


JT