Stever,

You just have to check this out! You'll be so inspired I am sure with your dream, and project you hope to achieve. I just thought about you!

Hugs sky

http://www.angelhugs.net/HistoryForgotten.html

Hello my friend.

As you can tell I have been very busy all night long-filling the mail boxes. Praying for you!

Wanted to share this beautiful fairytale for you and the children to read on line! Wait a few moments for the music to load. Most enjoyable!

http://www.angelhugs.org/SnowwhiteRoseRed.html


Lovingly
sky

Sky, you're the best!!!

i just opened those cards for Vee and William, they really enjoyed.

I read them the fairy tale, and they actually stood by my side for the duration.

When Vee was listening, at the part about running throught he fields/meadows chasing butterflies, and picking flowers,,, i stated hey, thats just like you Vee, spoken with soft giggles, she said yeah. THis past summer we sure chased a lot of butterflies, and we always are picking flowers, including wild ones.

Thet were so lifted, filled with ear to ear smiles Sky. They were warmed, and you do know what that does to me?

(i think it was all in perfect timing, it's now 9:15, and their mom was suppose to be here between 7 and 8?)


Sky, you must know by now, i'll always have room, for all of you! Yeppers, my prayers are with you and such.and for you.

I noticed your reguest from me- for you- this morning, -my drive to work was over an hour, and i prayed.

I know if i ask, i'd be prying,, i just want you to know if there's anything else, please ask-ok?

What i'm hoping you hear is, i have an ear for you, including a shoulder, along with those arms, knowing i would have to be stretch arm strong,,lol but these are there,,,

I really need to cut it short, Veronica is totally sad right now, and she wants my attention.

THey wanted me to thank you- for the cards and the thought.

Our prayers will be continuing tonight, asking God to send some extra attention and love your way.

God Bless,,

w/ lots-a-love,

stever

Stever,

I am equally very deeply touched and so appreciate knowing that you and the children could enjoy the card moments and fairytales.

I am smilin and warmed by your children feeling warmth from their dad takin the time to read them a fairytale.

It's such a difficult time-and it seems obviously there was a reason for a delay in their mom's arrival. Maybe they just need a bit more time with your, or would have been hurt a little more. Stories have a special way to touch hearts. I am so happy you read to them.

I'm a touched to tears that you could include me in your prayers!!!. Means so much to me. I was in such agongy of the soul last night, my son my mom showed up in pretty mean spirited and rather hostile. I know this is not them.


But didn't notice the date....after they leave I check the date went ok... I think I know what up here where these hostile winds are coming from.

I was in such prayer to God to help us from this terrible oppression, I asked God to take over and give me HIS joy.

Blessed last night that I was released to finally weep. If you knew what happened to me all the insane things that going on.

Started in the summer 01-when my x going through a period of a whole lot of lying, deception. My councelor and I were working into getting my x to go get an accessment for his excessive drinking problems& harsh treatment of us. I couldn't take his oppression anylonger-leaving me with all the responibilities.

Crazy, mindgames my x was playing on my head, doing things making up all sorts of excuses. Not coming home after wk-drunk every night due to the high stress at wk and massive re-org going on in his dept, staff shortages. Telling me with the guys at wk. I am compassionate-stress, job insecurities.

This re-org& massive layoffs through the civic departs was draining on so many depts. Had been going on for months,months. My x had training course to attend out at west coast in Feb-comes back weird and very off. Strange notable changes going on. Thought maybe his back again giving him grief.

My x was so stressed and freaked out with changes at wk. That I booked a two trip to mexico for us to get away to help him to decompress, and help him with stress reduction. Ok we do that. It's all good. Not trying to put to much pressure on him. Montioring his wk changes pressures to manage them to more reasonable levels.

A few months later I have business stop over, invited to attend global educational conference out at the west coast. Take my x with me- to have some more down time. Personal time for himself to collect his head, visit old friends on the coast do all that fun stuff like sailing, fishing, go out to dinner with his buddies from the old days.

Later few wk later- x starts acting really odd. saying he has alot of company functions to attend. No spouses can attend. I accept his truths. Later I find his frequencies, jerkish behaviors sort of alerting me there more going on than his back problems, and wk issues.

I decide found the math is not adding up. To many absenses for my liking. Decided to verfiy some of his where abouts, which I never do--later thought I do a spot check at golf course he was supposed to be at, not there, call him from the pay phone, at the course.

He answers the phone, tells me he and this new colleague at work are just finishing up on th 18 hole- later going to a pud to cool down.

I tell him happy to hear he is having a good time, and ask what pud they are going to, if I can join them in 2 hrs,as I have wk to do-will catch up to him to connect. Discovered he was deceving me. I arrive at the pub 1/2 hr, much earlier, he see's me coming and a whole lot of people disperse. Weird stuff going on-

Not that I am one of those types of people, to check up on my spouse. I think everyone needs their space, to do things on their own, with friends, Balance is the key. Perserving Mental Health.

Days process, more absenses, his coming come, constantly in wild drunken tirades-manipulation stories was aweful. Screaming at me and our kids over the smallest things berating us constantly.

One day wants screams at me he wants a divorce. I am in agreement with him-Ok-if that's what you-want-all my yrs in counceling all his problems. I think I will get a break finally. Tell him, just get the papers drawn up. I sign no problem, simple as that-let us depart in peace.

Well no papers, more absenses, more misery, he is so unreasonable. I retreat in my work, and my kids, housework, etc. Try to be pleasant around him.

One day--he annouces he's buy a truck, takes me over to this weird neighbors. Husband is so nice-wacko perserve wife. So I have little to do with these folks. My x takes me over, he is being supreme jerk flirt her overboard, I am stunned by his blatnant rude, disrespect. I pick up go to the bathroom, decide to leave, not wishing to cause a scene-so worn out with his tirades.

The husband is equally replused-this wife dominates him. He has good easy gentle nature.
huband was replused. I kind of went something smells rotten in Denmark here. If you know what I mean. So come back tell my x I am leaving immediately, leave him strutting his stuff with the neighbor wife.

I get home and actually loose my temper when my x showed up, I have a pretty long, long fuse. I had such an angry explosive outburst-Called him on loaded crap, lies, disrespect, mistreatment,manipulations, wearing out my patience, with his back, wk garbage, conduct, to start packing his belongings hit the road jack and don't ever come back.

I was so ripped I actually threw flung a chair on the floor& cracked a floor tile. My kids were shocked my mom's actually loses it.

I couldn't take it his garbage, deception anymore. Unleashing trigger up all my unhealed repressed wounds from his previous affairs. It set me off.

Anyways, I am responible for my behaviors- strong emotions going on and I don't understand why I can't find control. Why I am so ripped???

I even hurled a telephone at the wall, I would never hurt my x, but them walls took a fling. I am even locked in snot knott trauma knot that I can't get out of.

So worried about my reactions and my anger getting out of hand. I contacted Dr. Harley to help me with me, get a grip on my conduct, acting out, in resolving the past hurts from his affairs- help me determine was going on with x.

Of course x is still denial, lying, being a jerk.Wants the marriage and I am in strong disagreement want out. I can't take his years, years monolopy of my getting help, and my having to put out his fires of wrong doings when he messes up. I am exhausted of seeking out help, intenvertions, blah, blah...and no good pastor.

Anyways, he apolgies for being such a jerk, and says he isn't having affairs- just consumed with his drinking, messing up our bank accounts. Wants my help and support for his drinking. His chronic back pain, he gets no relief from. What he has been doing but binging acting out stupid. To forgive him, help him.

Ok I forgive--agree to support him-- help with managment and stress relief. AA didn't wk for him.

I propose options, if can't quit drinking, we would wk reduction. With the condition of using excersise as prime stress reducers. I would locate a good male massage therpaist, phsio, to work on him. We would go to the pool after wk and we would go to the pub together, he could have several drinks a day to manage his way down. Not go binging. Improve his nutrition if he wanted to. So we have this agreement.

My x likes this idea-- but has to many absenses, and lots of other holes here. I decide I am being manipulated. Something doesn't feel right. He invites to me to wk to have lunch with his guys. The guys are making these off the wall snide comments about his sexapades at his training course back in Feb. I confront him later, says the guys are just joking.

Later wk company function at the pub-we attend one of the guys comes up and says to my x that was a lovely blond my x was with at this other pub. Ok now I am getting annoyed. More stonewalling.

Next my x tells me has to go to retirement party no spouses allowed. Went ok- go shopping driving and see my x headed down the road at the intersection. Look at my watch, note he supposably has been at this party 1/2. Interesting.

Ok decide let him go do what ever see what he says. 3 hrs later I call him. X answers the phone and I hear this woman laughing in the background. question him says it's an echo. With other guys from wk another pub. So I know-he full of it. Had enough manipulations.

Decided to was going to hire a PI.get to bottom of things. The trust is gone. I don't trust him anylonger.

On the day I was so supposed to go see the PI. My dad was suddenly taken to hospital, ended up in a coma, then of course the next day the shocking tragic horrific events of 911 hit- I was mortified& devatasted what happened, reeling in the shock, meltdown over that.

Next with in a few days my dad abruptly died, on top-horrible marital problems-at the height of my work busiest time. Had to put on a fast funeral to help my mom, still counceling with the Harley's on the phone.

I am so glad I contacted him-- talk about intervention. My x manipulation both us-carrying on in his secret life. Dr; Harley helping me get closer to his den of lies.

Wow it was bizzare time-let me tell you. my x and his secret hidden women operating behind the scenes without my knowing what was up? My x decided to take bitter revenge in around about way. It was so scary, terrifying, roller coaster.

He got sicker, more devious, more scarier. Dr. Harley and I didn't know what was up-- my x did all the work, loved MB--you know--went along with mb program-in a very convincing way. Not having affairs learning how to be a good husband for the first time.


More weird absenses, weird things going on.Thought time to call a spade a spade-requested he take me to his wk and wanted to see his work computer.

My x always has access to my computer at home-I always have an open door policy, where he can check at time my correspondances. No problems.Dr. Harley tells my x to let me ckek things out my self. x agrees.

Get to his wk-I dont' know alot about computers other than basics-I don't have the time with the demands of my wk, kids, household.

He gives me a guided tour of his computer it;s all clean. He knows far more about comps and wk mates than I do as they are expert techies. His pc, is too clean, remember some thing kind of odd neatness well just isn't his personal style& he's in hurry to rush out.

Ask him if he wouldn;t mind if I do sort of check for myself, re-assurance peace of mind, he's acting all confident, and permits me to do a chek. I go into his cookies, and voila find exactly what i am looking for& woman he is seeing.


Managed to track one of his current affairs from his former high school yrs, and there were more. Opening a can of worms all at once. Thank him very much now I want a dv.Tell him to go be with this woman basically. Lots of denial, Have had enough.

Tell Dr harley about findings. X says they went out for one drink about it-she was the woman in background at the bar he ducked out from the retrirement party-on the phone with. From his hs reunions. I am miffed why he didn't honestly admit to it.

Then my x sure had a nice surprises of manipulations that made my head spin. As I don't think or operate on devious levels. To naive and trusting as Dr. Harley put it later on where my fault layed. I was too trusting.
My x was drinking pretty heavily and doing what ever chemicals with whom was a mystery.

Sept, Oct was slippery by Nov x getting more sicker. Felt like I was living in a crazy nightmare-by nov--i am still in alot grief- my x started to doing pretty strange creepy freaky stuff.

He was pretty sick in the membrane-I am trying to clarify what was going gone to many bizarre coindendental off the wall things were happening at such a high speed rapid rate like a high speed train, red flags. Events that transpired were terrifying, snowballed like an avalanche to ahead the night of Dec 21.

I kept blowin open his sick games, the pressures of his double secret life mounted, mounted, his sick plans unknown to me weren't working anymore. It's too sick to write about but living in a surreal horror movie actually and my trying to make sense of it all-keep clear head.

Terrifying what all he was doing- and the games-well he sure had a timeline and agenda- although one can make speculations-things aren't always as they appear---but if you don't have hard core facts well it's very foggy-quite a maze to walk through.

My x got creepier, cold blooded as the days went on like ice- I know when he is being just a supreme jerk. The personality changes in him were to weird and not him-but him. Beyond my scope of thinking& understanding-as I don't think way.

Wasn;t sure if the high amounts of alchol, or chemicals,bad women, bad friends he was involved with snapped off his conscience, or if if he developed neurological damage in his head?

On top of it he had serious chronic back pain,for 2 yrs-- which I had to take care of him on top of everything else!

Doing prescribed morophine, trynol 3, drinking excesssively, antidepressants and his doctors not
monitoring this nasty cocktails- now we adultery mix with parties I am not aware of and bad people. So it's like underhanded collision going on.

I don't have the bigger picture, can't see behind the scenes. Whoah I am running scared. Like what do I have here on my hands what am I dealing with? There is like another mind almost behind this but not him but him doing it.

I caught him writting weird letters to the press,under a odd cases, when I found this secret letter he had supposably written in less than 5 minutes on the net- sent to press. Well, I checked my computer of deleted items, and locate this odd letter.

I know it wasn't him, or his writing style or personality intelligence, the mechanics, grammer was to perfect for such a brief length of time. More of feminine style wording etc.

He does write very well songs and such. Intelligent person. But not his writing. Why write such letters in the first place. Out of character for him. And learn he sent a nother letter off to a wk before. Thinking this is so strange. Especially, when he is such a hyprocrite to be commenting on a these issues? Weird.

I confronted him-expose the truth, read back the letter, demand what going on.

Tell him perhaps it it;s all in my imagination, or perhaps I have such over active imagination, that I will take the exact title of the newsline heading and write a book based around it put good uses to my creative enegeries.

Stever, woah did I hit a root nerve. He becomes irrate, howling furious,gets madder, colder, meaner. I know my own style the none of the styles matched his, mine, so who? why? what is going here?

He's becomes so cold, sick, icy. I have never seen anything like this in him.

I know my x he doesn't really get involved in communities, or writing to the press. He usually get me to write to his doctors with his back problems. I will write on some topic-he prefers to be watching TV-or at the bar, on the golf course.

I am no expert, but all something so different my x. Wondering what on heavens earth do I have on my hands here, a twisted person here. The events contrived get weirder.

I am so happy God's hand was upon me guiding me through. Can't imagine where I be. Even guiding me to contact the Dr. Harley's.

My x own venom drove him crazier, almost driven in a wild frenzy= must of backfired on him. One the Dec 19, 20 think I have a mental block-due shock.

His really busy at wk-takes all this time off for to suddenly re-design my office without my permission, knowing how busy I am with wk. throws my wk office into chaos. Suddenly, torn apart with out notice.

My x is known for not really helping me out. Had weird sick thriller books lying around in my bathroom, flip it open oneday. My x not an avid reader but his oldest brother is, dropped off a whole bunch of books, when he was ill. His brother is pretty bitter against his x wife. But didn't think to much about it, a book is just a book.

I seldom have ever had time to read fictions books for recreation. Sooooo, it was weird. For some unknown strange reason and maybe with the weird movies he was renting, sick comments he was making, I felt compelled for some unknown reason to thumb throw this particular book in our bathroom he had lying around.

He had read this book a year before when he can out of hospital-in recovery at home with his back-messed on the morphine and tell me he was going to really black places in my mind. So when he acting weird. I asked what he meant but he would never tell me. Prior to his being hospitalized he was obsessed with high school renunion committee and really gone alot.

Stunned to read that he had abruptly designed my office according to the similar style of this book, freaked out find this stuff. Wildly, it was murder mystery, and the weapon used in the book, was identical to this piece of cable my x said he wanted to place under our bed, in case of bugerly. Which I thought was tweaked as if that would be effective. Thought nothing more than a dust collector.

Man was I freaked, in fact when I measured this cable and it matched the exact dimensions, length, description in the book. Sure raised an eyebrow. Other items of clothing, footwear were identical left lying around. Pretty to weird.

His renting weird movies he would rent, with the weirdest stragetic themes, have me watch purposely with him, at the end in such ice cold, jarring ways proceeded to tell me I was all these weird characters etc... Thought man he's getting wacko, real sick.

My x got so weird that I confronted him straightup went clarify-fly straight. I found all these other emails later from his friend out in the west coast about the single clubs, dance partners, etc... pretty sick stuff.

Thought I am getting way to caught up in all the details here not seeing actual patterns emerging. The bigger picture.Or is this purely coincidental fluke- my x just a mean jerk . Am I getting to hyper sensitive, traumatized by our entire history, his insanity, affairs.

Wanted to get down to core here-have him explain himself.

My x went completely beserk when I brought up all his stuff to Dr. Harley, on the phone. I didn't feel safe anymore with my x. My x refused to clear up all the pschyco things he was doing, but proceeded to scream and swear at Dr. Harley on the phone.

With Dr. Harley all the creepy things that were going on- I had to ask him for an accessment- if I had lost my compass, sanity, or was it all my imagination- or was there element of truth here of my x agenda for me over the holidays. Warning bells going off I don't know why. My x became more determined, determined to get me away.

Back to the night of 21- we had arrived from his sick christmas company party- but the strangest weirdest things I ever attended. Usually, the parties at his dept are alot of fun-nice good down to earth folks. But the mix, of some of these new techies guys he was hanging out, and stuff he was doing was strange.

He had me arrive a specific strange time at the end of company party-where normally I ususally pop in any time every other year. Open event for spouses, etc. Everyone, is usually in high spirits especially my x.

Very perculiar way for him to act--
This time it was weird as when I arrived at his lab, only a few guys left-they were all pretty tanked up, he had the most "eerriesst and creepiest" two songs playing and the cd cover on his station.

It's christmas right--so the music playin is so off inappropiate. The two songs playing is from the band called moist- One of them is "I'll break you down" and the other " I'll kill for You". I am thinking to myself--very strange music to play for a christmas party in the dark.

It was pretty creepy-the hairs just stood up on the back of my neck. But kept my cool calm. He is watching my every move-every word- It was so sick.A few of the guys left hanging around.

Then he takes me another christmas party where the guys from his depart are at- I go along with him. He becomes hyper manic with me, from mr.ice shifts into mr. I love you- euphoria.

But there is a the dynamics change again, his plans for us,abrupt plans for us to "dump" on our kids, at my mothers on Christmas day, take off on them get out to the coast cause he wants to winter coast fishing. He knows we tapped out our budget for the entire season-but he is instantly on frenzy we are going.he has made plans all of sudden in the beginging of Dec- taking more time off. Which is a big no-no at his wk-since he hasn't taken so much time off.

He goes weirder still-flying into rages I won't dump our kids-and go anyways. Having wild fits of rages.Insisting we are going anyways.

That was sooooo creeppy. Woah-by the time we get home, I know my x and he never behaved as weird as he did. Just had chills up my back that night.

When we got home he was just in a high manic drunken state. I barely said a word gently pointed something very subltey meaning I am on to his weirdness, when he made a very inappropiate comment to my daughter friend. Ludricious.

I just looked at him, it was like the a conviction of the holy spirit the finger of Christ when right threw him.So bizarre.

All of sudden he snapped at me, swearing, took a whole plate of hot food of szhewan noodles and threw the whole thing at me, while I am sitting at the kitchen table .

Screaming in full tirade again all his vile obsenties, cussing me out in every imaginable horrible things- like he did several weeks past another company christmas party we went to he was loaded at that one-weird thing was at the party, his boss comes up two us get us on the dance floor, says I have a very special song dedicated to you both, just for the two of you.

The song comes on by the mavericks were on the dance floor. It's all about adultery, everyone knows about the affair except the spouse. I was so upset that I politely walked the dance floor, and went talked so other people ignored my x, his boss.

Later that night- my cussed me me out in front of my son for trying to take him home because he was making an complete a** of himself in front of all his superiors-head engineers at wk. I am so upset by the song. like a very low blow here. My x had well exceeded the reasonable social amount-was off his rails. Guilt conscience would do so.

Well back to the night my x ran went into the gargage which is adjoined to our house. Screaming, swearing his head off at the top of his lungs. I'm trying to remain calm, but crying inside, shaking, as I can't take it anymore. The acculumation, throughout the years, and all of this crap. I am so severely trauamatized.

Had my daughter and friend remove themselves till I sort thing out.. nightmare.

Then my x comes running out the garage with a hammer in his hands, waving this hammer, like a wild man on fire, screaming, every name of obsenties , yelling not sure if he was going to hit me, trying to sit patienly at the table quietly.

Runs past me, down the hallway, into the bedroom, locks the door, and all I could hear him doing was ranting, raving, howling, swearing at the top of his lungs, pounding the walls, later learned it was the door he was pounding with nails. In a serious tormented and demented state.

Here I am stunned shocked, just picking off the strans of noodles, food off my self, have tears rolling down my face, which thinking about it- shedding a few tears, was probably so healing for me.

Just sat there weeping, praying and going I can't take the assaults to my spirit and heart anylonger. I can't take anymore his adulteries and other sick stuff he was doing. In wanting shut down my alarm bells once and for all.

Yeah, I had reached my limits, it's gone on for so long, sitting with so many different councelors& doctors, clergy throughout the years. I felt like I was going to give up, could obtained 2 university degrees with all the chaos and disastersous strife he creates.

It is so difficult to be around someone who constantly berates, belittles you, lies to you, ignores what I actually do based into reality-never good enough. I am constantly inadequate, he's so superior, I am so inferior to him, a bit***, this and that. Responsible for all his life failures on his own creation, wrongdoings.

Hurts my heart, and brain terribly. I tend to check in my self ask myself inquire , what if I am actually harming him in some way. I take grievances or look for an possible element of truth and try to eleminate them or work on them. This is constant barage.

But to be constant rapid fire of his obsenities in full tirades was just to difficult to completely absorb totally ignore, it speeps in.

Went to check on my daughter and her friend-told them we need to remove ourselves from the house. So it's about mid-night. And that I was going to go to a woman's shelter to get a prespective here.

It's so bizzare and crazy- Invitited the my daughter to come along or stay at her girlfriend.

My daughter ended up at her girlfriend and I went to the woman's shelter in middle of the night-left him in the house-- I just in such shock, disbelief, stunned, aching so badly- to find out like what's going on here? Get a grip here, the exhaustion setting in was horrific-or are we both cracking up because of his other women-he can't maintain his false card house of a double life.

Really when someone says to their ws if you want a dv- no problem, it hurts but not like this. I told our doctors, Dr harley and or family councelor no problem giving him a dv if he needs one.

Doubting my own sanity here, thinking am I having a nervous breakdown because I can't take it anymore,can't think clearly, never had one so I don't know what it feels like.

Ended up spinning all the insane the things my x was doing for the past serveral months to get me to doubt my own perceptions. Pretty wild ride....

Anways, the councelor to felt everything else he was doing was just raising a whole lot of red flags and sounded like I was in a whole lot of danger.

Dr. Harley suggested if I didn't feel safe to just leave to a shelter. My x didn't like that my he was so angry. Dr. Harley told my x if he were above aboard make your wife feel safe-clear yourself. My x refused to. He went off the deep end. Poor Dr. Harley, poor me... Getting the full wrath of his sick mind.

The councelor looked at all the bizarro events saw too, many unresovled incidents red flags-rate of delivery of his aggressions scheming. Felt that he used me up so much drained me, with his health back, raise the kids, hold up the house, attend to his every needs.

That he reached a point no longer any use for me, wanted cold hearted revenge for exposing him, his hidden affairs, and for standing up to him.

Basically, wanted to come across as respectable upstanding respectable father grieving, mourning the loss of his wife, underhandledly move his girlfriend into our house, with me out of the way. Twisted, loosey, goosey stuff.

He kept telling in his fit of rage-as I shared all this wild stuff with Dr. Harley that he wanted to kick me out of the house. And that alerted Dr. Harley as to if there were legitimate misunderstanding and he wasn't having an affair, why would he want me out of this house???

I don't think my x factored in having an expert on adultery thing would focus in on his activities. The accounting doesn't add up? My x set up some pretty sick traps, which I wasn't going to jump into. No matter who or how many were doing his thinking, planning for him.

Yes, Stever, Dr. Harley is a very wise sharp man. Heard it all, not to much passes by over him. But x almost did, learned to manipulate him pretty good, because throught the years of my x acting out, aggressions and addictions.

I seek out counceling as way to problem solve, my x has learned all the jargon I suppose, almost mangaged to deceive him with all his denials.

As my focus was trying to clean up the past, my old infected wounds. I will not tolerate or put up with consective repeated unrepantant adultery. The scriptures clearly says we donot have to nor are we tolerate it.

At the shelter the councelors went if my x is innocent, genuine misunderstanding, or odd series of twisted strings of coincidences he will do the work, to clearly communicate, seek a professional evaluation, to clear up the doubts, red flags.

Those are the rightful appropiate actions, to do if one is innocent of wrongdoings.

His hostile amonisties, says alot by his disregarding all the professional clearance systems.

Off instead in pompous arrogance partying, with all his single buddies, women, proves his guilt, and his ulterior motives. Caught with numerous women. Oh foolish pride, oh what a fall there is yet for him to come.

But my x had no remorse and totally refused to be accountable. Dr. Harley implored my x to contact him, and clear the matters with him.

He refused to do so but went on open, diffiant, blatenly, having more open affairs immediately with other women asap, seen on the ski slopes with another woman by my kids friends, of course with the help of PI I also hired, we tracked his next woman.

Telling my kids that he never had affairs in his life,etc...

Wanting to catch the address myself before the PI were going to set up the next day. I want to know who is behind this cold cold manipulate scheming. Like lets bring all out into day light here.
Also my x is not that sort of person to scheme up something like that on his own.

Am driving down the street, with my sun glaring in my eyes, see a person on the road, not wanting to run into them, pull up, and guess he who, standing there, it's my x. I caught him returning from a ski trip standing right in front of her house.

Like all I want is the truth, our kids deserve the truth, be done with it. All these other woman can just have him. He hurt and harmed us enough. We just want our sanity back, normal lives back, and peace in our lives.

And the other woman from his high school, who I think writing the letters, sick convining, etc. And has some pretty serious issues of getting back her daddy for her childhood unresolved traumas dv. I just shake my head the lengths people will go just to get back at daddy get negative attention.


Well when I tracked the ow down, at her place of employment, and showed up with my girlfriend and waved a silent pleasant hello, she scrambled off pretty fast, dumped him-the stress of their psycho scheming, was catching up her.

I amazed at what honest confrontation can accomplish. I didn't even have to say a word, just show up with presense, a witness, and smile.

Stever, next this woman I told you about he is living with that has 8 yr old daughter, he has now bought a house with is living with. Was his primary desperate cling on main squeeze that he had been dating on the side for the last three yrs from his high school reunion. Well, the sick thrill trails all pretty much lead to her.

So you'll catch my drift when I mention, about these silly foolish women being attracted to bad men. They love the thrills, stupid excitement but in the end they get used up, messed up, tossed out away. The wicked games they play are the same rules that get played out on them unfortunately.

Oh what tangled webs are weaved when those to plan to deceive. Sickly, disturbed as my x was wanting to glory, revel in himself as in the courts for high drama. I simply did the complete opposite--turned off the dial.

Not reward him good or bad for his insanity, demented state.Tied to get our doctor to help, my x told our dr that he loved his me, never had any affairs, blah, blah. During our seperation I went to our doc to get the man some help he is causing havoc. But he couldn;t do that because we are seperated. Closed file- only if my x wanted helped he would have to ask.

So the only recourse for which I am grateful for is getting a dv---my x pretty much has want he wants, hoped he would learn a valuable lesson here, that one can be civial go through the legal system without Drama or craziness divy up, and good bye. Granted though there are many couples who still love each other, messed up,confused later regret their decisions.

In my situation, I had a very twisted person on my hands.

Anyways, that a good part of it-so this entire week and January is a bump time. My daughter just called ealier this eve---she is feeling blah to day, crying. This trigger date is hurting her. She is feeling all the ambivalance-which is OK---Fact she is crying is so healing-I am so proud of her.

But the good news is her hubby is being extra sensitive and comforting her. My son, and mom refuse to deal with grief in a constructive way-deal with things so now they are taking things out on me since last night.

That's why this entire matter can only be resolved by prayer, alertness, and lower our expectations.

Why last night I didn't want to go to sleep relive the entire drama of this trauma's out-felt it was better to stay up, and do something contructive for everyone on the board divert my grief energy to offering encouragement. So I am pretty fragile right now...

Also with all the chemicals, bad influences my x has surrendered to0-a large part of this puzzle which I have worked out is tied to severe unresolved trauma. If I put the bigger pieces here and remove myself personally from it all look at it objectively.

Here's my x side what has messed him so much...

My x was raped at 14 yrs by a professional midget wrestler when he was working at hotel as a bell hop. Think you can understand being a guy, meeting a guy like that. Sparkle of someone famous, being befriend, wow...

Horsing around, wanting to see these guys as hero's learn some moves, and someone to pay a young boy some well male attention! Had no idea what nightmare he was pinned down into...

There is alot of deep, deep pain, shame, hurt. On the other side of it add the dimension of having a strict messed up overbearing father who a sergant major in the military, removed from his wife and 7 kids. Who could lead 500 men but clueless with his own boys, or daughters.

Who would beat my x with garden rakes, and horsewhips riding crops, until he couldn't stand up. Not offer alot of affection, love, time, or patience from his dad-Pitted his kids against one another based on accomplishments.

Beating his kids locked in his own warped gridlocks of his war hell trauma/upbringings.

Alot of war vetrans came back from war so severely damaged with little help, tossed to the wolves, and into civilion martial, family life. My x fil seldom discussed his war stories, kept it all private. Later worked in the insurance field.

So don't know too, much what their lives would have been-but their family is pretty messed in the head..

However, I know on so many levels my x would never intentionally, deliberately set out to harm us. But hope you can understand why my x turned to alchol, hard drugs so young, long ago to medicate all that pain and deep trauma.

Unresolved trauma can come out in the weirdest ways. If only he would have gotten help from the sexual assault center, professionals. He can't get back at the orginal abuser, or could never to this day stand up to his dad, or domineering big sister who raised him. She is quite the head case quite a piece of work that one. I often wonder if she had a hand here somewhere, as my x would turn her instead of going to the right professionals.

She is so messed and has a double standard. Feels nothing if her brothers do insane things, or sleep around. Negative reinforcement. Because if she faced the truth about her dad, she would have to look at her own garbage can---so she has a very strong bias.

So I am the closest I guess target for all the pain and wrath that got unleashed.

I wished my x could taken it all that hurt to Jesus, and poured it out.

Perhaps you will have a better understanding why I have spent so much time trying to understand Post Traumatic Stress Disorders, etc, and what all levelled our family.

How I have needed to sensitively trace, retrieve and piece of my x trauma acting out on me,our family, as I obviously am linked, it is the truth that sets us free. Rape can do so much damage to person if they are not handled properly and intercepted.

Realistically, I have not done anything that outstanding hurtful to my x to warrant such hostile aggression harsh treatment from him.

Granted I am not weak like his mother or mine. Who just sat back in fear, cowardedness and let their sick husbands go beserk on them, and kids.I guess they did the best they could, probably very intimatated understandable.

But these guys needed so much help to stop the hurting. I wonder how much abuse they suffered as kids or during war conditions. Unknown. But my x would be also playing out the trauma drama of his dad treated, terriorized his mother, them kids. I in that case would be a threat-to trynanny.

Then it became a habit-which he did get himself off the hard drugs. We had quite a up hill battle on our hands. His family didn't give an darn toot about him when he was a mess, weak and hurting.

Other than now-- well because he has a career, impressed with his music talent. They are such pathetic people to be pitied. Will go to any length to cover up their family core rot except turn to God, get out of their denial, of how dsyfunctional their lives actually were.

But to be fair there are millions of families, with similar tales, in the exact same situation. Lot of people coming to terms now with all the dsyfunction, and lot of folks content to keep the dsyfunctional cycle rolling into their kids lives.
It's choice couples and families need to make. Like what's it going to be.


So I guess with being a guy-pride thing he couldn't bring himself to counceling-masculine part that was so defiled robbed him of his innocence. He would never talk about it-felt he delt with it.

I in fact---spent a lot of time tracking down his rapist a few months back. As my x provided me so little clues, and never really talked about it.
One can't force anyone to talk if they refuse to do so. My x was admandant that it was all in the past to stay in the past.

But his lifestyle poor choices meant he was still living in the past locked in. But when we were counceling with Dr.Harley he did open up those comparements a bit-so I got some vital info clues leads to follow. Wanted him to help him. But Dr. harley had to let him, with something that serious he needed to see someone who specialized in rapes/sxa phsycially in person to help him move through the pain.

So all complex--I never bargined to be so blindsinded by my x-that he would errupt his wrath on me. I don't think he fully understands himself, he knows he devious that's for sure.

Prides himself but is so deceived, and so deluded. Think with all the boozing and drugging, women- and what he has done to us-lied to everyone about- I suspect he quite possibly will never be the same probably suffering from neuro brain damage. He will never be the same.

Don't get me wrong entirely, there times periods he was a good husband, and father. He really was.

But I can never respect or trust him again-what he has done to our kids or me. I have totally dismissed him permantently-handed him over to GOD, I am not his judge.

But must heal from all the damages he has inflicted on me. Wow did he injure me but hard. I am getting better, stronger all the time.

Since my x's rapist is deceased. I did contact my x and shared my findings- Interesting I did have the right person.

Little recourse can be done but to forgive. My x picked the wrong person to tolerate his crap, nonsence, stupid games. He's on his own self destruct course how he set it up.

But thankfully He does know Jesus loves him, he knows quite clearly the way back home, his choice. So it's no longer in my hands, or business.

My part is just to disentangle from him and harm he has caused our children and I. He will stand before God on that one.

I sooooo appreciate your caring and wanting to reach out. Means alot to me. So know you are not alone. Just as women can get messed up so can men!

I know if we can get through this we will be just fine OK---it won't have such a grip on us to take a hold of emotions. So this is such low point for me..

This has been quite the dog fight with my x for the past two yrs-he has done almost everything he can to disrupt and destroy. I don't think on those warped underhanded levels or understand the Ultra Machismo Macho stuff! lol....

But it has been so challenging for me to peel away the layers, for the sake/sanity of my kids, to think inside of the box, outside of the box, around the box. I don't want my kids to follow in those destable footsteps that only led to hell. Where my x wants to drag them down too. I am only one person so I try to do the best I can.

This is just no ordinary divorce...it's barbaric! I am too, am simple peace loving person for that kind of crap mindless, senseless, stupidity.

I am grateful to our God He spared my life just in time. I can't imagine the psysche trauma for my kids knowing what their dad tried to do to me-which he is doing to them! I guess on some warped level, with my x rape he must felt quite dead and walking shell, maybe wanted the kids to be the same!

My kids would have been severely damanaged for life. I just need to heal and get better. That's why I think people need to be real careful when making accusations? Better have the facts. To absolve, or resolve, forgive or to condemn.

The damages and reprecussions, it causes is destructive and very tainting.

So I am human just like you are and I so understand the heartache, heartbreaks, the adultery parts are is brutal, the other crap goes with it is wild...

There are days I wish I had the strength of a man--but GOD has been my strength to stand up and against my x-his entire gang of punks and thugs! I just don't have the corupt network like he had cultivated surrounds himself in their craftiness, deceits. Nor do I want too.

Why I just coming to this forum and check in on all you men-and see you guys are loving, hurting, defending your kids like us women. Feel emotions,

I felt like such a weakling-since so much of energies have gone to standing up against my x treacherous antics, flying by my wits, trying to be strong,brave, not cave, or cry. Now I feel much better.

I am just so worn out-but recovering from all this bullying.


I greatly appreciate your concern, support, wanting to reach out to me! Means soooo much to me! Your prayers are exactly what I need. In fact you have helped in areas so much---by your very kind friendship and sharing.

I didn't want to "overburdened" you as you have such a complex platter there to deal with. You have young children to care for- my kids are much older. The scars from this type of fall out is deep.

It's a sensitive, touchy, tender time, as those wounds are at the surface like broken splinters of glass. The orginal trauma was like dealing with the big pieces. All my mind could handle, now ready to get rid of many fractured, lodged here and there in my heart, soul and mind. It's coming.

Thanks for being such a good friend. Hope my situation isn't to bizarro- but guess these things do happen. Would appreciate your prayers!!! Thanks sooo much for praying! Means a great deal to me!

Lovingly, sky

Merry Christmas, Stever, Vee, William!

Couldn't resist sending this card either! I know your all getting ready for the big day!

Have fun-checking out this site-lots of wonderous joy!

Have a marvelous and happy day!
Sky

http://www.angelhugs.net/SleighRide.html

Sky,

i must say, there were times i had the chill down my spine,,,man!!??

You know, everyone has a story in life- some may think they have it the ultimate worse,,, when all they really need to do is listen, to another's story. What i'm saying is, yeppers, i do know your situation makes mine appear as "childs play." The pain is the same, but the games can be enough to drive some almost insane.

I surely appreciate you opening up and sharing that intimate part of you and your life.

One thing you said that i so can relate to, first i need to share this. I've always had a desire and an interest in knowing/understanding people, meaning personality disorders/ theories, projection, manipulaters,,, along these lines, and then some-

Since my W left, i have turned that into an advantage in some ways,, i've allowed that push and have read a lot of articles, books- pertaining to the physcological aspect>>>

in fact, i even took a few college courses, until i was evicted, and my utliities were being shut-off. Then the next step was,,, dropping college. Now i have that monthly bill on top,,,err!

I'll be catching up with you on the flip side,,

TTYL
love ya,,stever

(((((((A BIG HUG)))))))

Merry Christmas Sky!!! as i'm giving you a hug.

How was your CHristmas? What did you get? Was Santa nice to you?

How's the children doing? Did they have a wonderful Christmas? Did they get lots of what they wanted?

Mine was sort of ok,, missed the kids being here together. My oldest two came back home, just to make sure i wasn't doing the day alone, i found that sweet,, you know? Then at about 11a.m. they went to their moms.

Vee and Willaim called this morning to tell me Merry CHristmas, and so did my step-son. So i asked him to give everybody a hug from me and tell them Merry CHristmas,?

I sent W a Christmas e-card, and when i came home this eve, checked my e-mail, and i actually found a card from her!!! I was surprised,,, she told me that it was very thoughtful! ????????????

Thurs was payday, so yesterday i had to hit the stores quick,,, and only having little money and four children to buy for,,, i was alomst done, left the cart for about 8 to 10 minutes, and it disappeared. I had to re-start, and the store was closing in less than an hour.

I endep up focusing on my older two, and next weeks check will go towards my younger two.

While my oldest 2 were opening their presents, i noticed my son realized something,,,his sister had a few more presents than him. I seriously try to keep the amount and quantity close, and the both of them know this.

I informed him that she had one more than him, for the fact i had to make up for her B-day, i actually lost her B-day present, it was a cell phone, wasn't able to afford it.

ANyhow, she still had a few other than that, so i told him i tried to find a PS-2, but every store was out of them. I promised him, when the stores get more, i will buy him one, then he was left excited!

Spent the day at my sisters, and if it wasn't for my mom, i had the intentions of staying home- i wasn't sure how i'd handle/cope with doing CHristmas w/o my children, and nobody really loves misery,, right?

Ended up being sort of ok,,

This is a Glorious Day!

hugs w/love sent to you.

<small>[ December 25, 2004, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

Joyeux Noel-Monsieur Stephan e vous tout famile!

Christmas greetings for you and your family!

http://community-2.webtv.net/ladymargrit/MERRYCHRISTMAS/


Halllloooing& Merrrriest Christmas!

How joyful to hear from you-delighted too receive your well wishes on Christmas Day. I am deeply blessed. As Christmas day is my birthday. Just arrived home a few hrs ago from my mothers.

So we have been celebrating Jesus destingated and my day. Just riding on the coat tails of festivities.

I have celebrated and sooo received the blessing of my heart! I prayed for gifts to focus exclusively too have communion and union with my precious Jesus, my children and mom.

I asked for special gifts of PEACE, CALM,JOY, good tidings and goodwill.. And the presense and rest of God, to be upon us! We were richly blessed!!!

Dec 23 was rough and Dec 24-- were extremely difficult time as well as the eve 21.

MAN, OH, man was I "swamped". In more ways that I can describe. A very delicate time.

The trauma's which I shared previous with you did not end 21--but actually got much worse, bone chillier, right up to the terrible eve 24. A slippery slope from there. I am so glad this sick drama has hopefully ended.

God was so good to us-I needed to do my shopping and was tied waiting for my lawyer to call. Not sure what he wanted? He left me several messages already. Probably to disscuss cs which my x has not kept his part of bargin. For me I am at stage of what ever...

Lovely miracle opened up instead my daughter ended up showing up on the night of 23 at 10:00 pm. I was so amazed and WOWED! She has not been on speaking terms with her brother for good few months.

Again, those terrible hostile winds showed up. We needed to reface the trauma work through the eye of storm.

We had planned to convene on the 24 at my mother's. My daughter, sil were not going too attend if my son and her got into conflict. Since it was my birthday on the 25.

I suggested we bypass Christmas and everyone was free to do as they pleased as there would be no conflict on any level this Christmas. Go elsewhere not get hung up about my birthday, more important was peace for everyone. Always, hopefully another year to get it straight, on track that Christmas is about Jesus-enjoy His love.

As 3 past christmas, my birthday's have been ruined my x antics, low handedness to create as much strife& defeat.

I was delighted that my daughter and son could talk begin to resolve more differences face to face. Most of the gunk is from our family started on 21 slipped down into breakdown nightmarish trauma of 23-24-25.

My kids are much stronger now, fog of illusions have lifted. I know you will understand brokeness , pain, it is all the same, pain, hurts, pain is felt-suffering, sorrow.

Basically, my son is upset my daughter just "up "and got married so suddenly. Hurt she sprung a wedding on us, since the dv wounds are so fresh,we haven't healed as a family.

on his side feels she jumped the family ship, after my x tried to do everything in his power, who ever else power to destroy our family. Feels she should finished her education, and gotten to know this guy alot longer and get more stable before tying the martial knot.

My daughter side, is she knows what she is doing, she is in love, and her man with her. He knows what he is doing, they want to be together. They are crazy in love-and will team together to finish college, univ, build up and they have a complete plan for conflict.

Issues of disrespect, repentance, apologies were required, and mostly obtained. Then there is childhood, stuff needing mending. However, more erruptions& heated, hurt discussions happened.

Trying to calming alnight with lots of SHHhssss. Blessedly an overall calm pervailed. Abrupt hurts, words went flying, talks collapsed. I ended up staying up on 23 till 3:30 am, calming my son down. On the 24 well things were tender,

I was so fatigued, worn out, & sad more talking& sorting with my son.

My daughter called in the am- fully ready to say if things were a hint rude with her brother, she was putting her foot down to say enough-leaving. Her hubby was backing her all the way. Of course was sad but totally supported her.

We were mindful-we were in extremely fragile and delicate states and hurting. I started praying for them and for their dad, and healing of what happened to us. My children are still pretty devastated.

On 24-by 1:00 pm we made it my mom- she had a beautiful Christmas feast prepared for lunch. My daughter and sil, my son were all there. All of sudden everyone spirits slipped in to the right gear. God was with us& His spirit.

The gracious manners, tranquility, gentleness, respect, kindness in all of our hearts were present and flowingly beautiful. No harsh words, or attitudes. No not even one teensy, tiny harsh word, or snotty haughty attiutude was felt.

The entire tone and mutual respect put forth by the kids, and my mom was wonderfully marvelously felt! Just nice, just right and sweet as we should all be!

I was so pleasantly blessed by all the goodness and sweetness. PEACE! I asked my mom for no gifts, as peace of mind and heart is most precious. Bless her heart. She went out extra special and did a supremely delicious dinner.

We had the best congac thimble fulls to exchange toasts,just a few shots glasses raised high toasted to God, thanking HIM for His Son. Thanking God for Christmas, and all our good blessings.

Roof our head, warm home, clothes, food, safe country, and most of all having and being with one another in a spirit of love. So much to be thankfull for!!!

Then we toasted a good glass of wine with our meal!!! Mom made her awesome homemade free range organic chicken soup.

Second course with wonderful bedazzling shrimp dish she makes, along with my favorite traditional dried cod dish pate. Centuries, old Italian traditional custom severed in Italy on Christ mas eve.

This old sailor fair recipe where one soaks this dried cod in water for 2 days. Adds stuff, pick out the bones, tranforms the cod into a wonderful pate, which my kids thinks takes aweful. Taste wonderfully special quite delicate to the palate.

Then mom served her elk tenderloin medalions, lots of garlic, sauted in wine with lots of fresh rosemary herb. Wild mushrooms collected by her friend ,sauted in homemade whipped butter, & wine.

Mouthwatering, golden brown turkey, stuffing, gravey. Spuds mashed,& sweet variety, salads, veggies of every sort. Magnificent feast.

I requested we all lower of gift giving expectations as the last two years made my children and mom more crankier. Too, much emotional pain, excitement, unrealistic expecations. So it was nice to have simple heartfelt tender gifts exchanged.

No pressure, what get's done, get's done, what doesn't THAT OK!!!

Mom, got all the children beautiful sweaters, pants for my daughter, and hand knitted her a gorgeous purple throw blanket. She spent a year knitting. So that's a treasure of the heart.

My daughter& son in law- gave me exactly what I wanted keeping in a mindset of simplicity. Of packs and packs of incense. I go through so much of it all year long. That was my only request as I have everything I need.

The kids, and dogs really feel the void when I run out of incense. My son in law gave a most interest lovely book, I was surprised and newest Lenoard Cohen CD. Perfect. Touchingly sensitive, he's was being extra sensitive to all of us. Blessed young man!

Later was I was just so overcome by happiness, so content by the tranquilty and calm. I ended up having a wonderful nap!Let the kids do what they wanted. They were all gung ho in helping grandma, in the kitchen clean up. SO I just let them all bee.

My daughter& sil ended up leaving later to do their other visits. Since it was their first christmas, and free to spend it however they wanted.

I was pleasantly surprised to receive phone calls from my poor uncle for my birthday. He is in such bondage to his addiction- but he has sent me a birthday hard faithfully for over 20 yrs. We exchanged warm laughters and letting him know I loved him very much.

It's all about the quality of heart. Let him I we're headed off to church and that I would be praying for him.

My son going through a finacial crunchies at this time of year, being a poor student- gave me the most wonderful gift of attending church on Christmas eve my mother and I, across the street.

I would have preferred my daughter-sil, all attend with us. Their life flow turned a differnt course. They had other plans& he's still searching out relgion, spirituality, so don't want to be forceful, or pushy.. He is sooo sweeet.

THe book he gave me--well was touching, and he happens to love books as much I do. I imagine we will enjoy more conversations on faith as time goes by.

Church service was perfect for my son- as this church is like a mini model of united nations, with all the flags represented of all the different nationalities, cultures at that little church. I love it and we both love that!

He was a bit "bucky "at first, brisk, about going, but God melted him, at ease, peace, and he loved the Christmas play, which was hilarious.

God did such a lovely healing in his heart, my son just held my hand during the entire service, kept resting his head on my shoulder in peace.
My mom kind of ditched us, as the church was so packed, and she did well- God is still working on her heart. The front rows were only open. She is still at toeing in gentle stages.

She's a tough bird stever, man I tell you. But we were blessed. When we got home, my son and mother and I were all so pleasantly warmed.

I left to drive across the city too my house and check in with our poor doggies. As they went through the traumas.

I felt they would be sad not knowing why or abandoned and in many ways well if you knew my x did my beloved dog on dec 23, 24??? Well my dog took the blows for me, unknown to me while I was away. Poor thing she could barely stand up on 24 eve. I didn't know why.

Still maddly fumming that I didn't go on his planned winter boating trip 25. My x called mom's to tell me personally that should I come home, that he discovered our dog couldn't stand up found her in the basement with dog do every where by furnace, that he was taking her to the vet. Which later learned he didn't.

Later as I tried to remain in the situation at home 24 -even with a few hours in-between the traumas.

Managed to slip away and buy my x an expensive silver watch with a compass on it. As a gift of love& reminder of no matter how insane he was, see the compass as reminder to naviagate himself back to GOD. Sadly, he got insaner, madder, madder! To bone chilly to get to this part.

How shall I say my dog hung in- saving my life dogs have such a unique way of communication that one couldn't ignore the signs. God was awesome in those dreadful hours..

Back to my dogs, extra sensitive time for everyone in our household except the fish.

I managed to get back here before 11;00 and feed them all thepr well earned, deserved giant dish of hot turkey stew, hot cross buns, little candi canes, let them run around, gave them lots of extra special hugs& cuddling. Turned the lights on and music to comfort them.

Well when I returned to my mom's my son ended up having a big, big cry. The reality of what his dad did, feeling robbed, deceived by him. The betrayel. So I and my mom just let talk, cry, and talk cry.

Later he felt a lot better, get all off his chest, and his friend happened to call. Who we learned later was Jewish faith, who too, was deserted by his dad by DV. Spending the night alone in his apartment. Mom lives her own place gone out with friends. So he was feeling rather lonely, sad and down.

So we inivited him in toasted another congac, nibbles- At this age these young adults are not into pop. Though you offer. He was such a pleasant, sensitive and such an intelligent young man.

We were blessed and glorious moving time as he shared his entire story, family story, extended family members. Such a blessing of bringing my birthday in very special way. Then the two of them headed back to our house to watch movies until 7 am. Zzzzzz time.

Christmas well all day- it was BLISS! So gentle, quiet and easy sleeping, napping, eating, reading my bible. Lots more phone calls from my daughter, sil, friends, and overseas call from aunt, cousings wishing me a happy birthday greetings. Then mom of course made a lovely birthday fruit flan, candles and all, brought more congac, my son, my mom sang me happy birthday. I was extremely touched and very blessed!

We watched movies, giggled, and laughed. Everyone in happy spirits. The snow started falling, falling, so we had a white wonderous christmas. So it was time for my son and I depart on the slick splippery roads. Wow no sanding trucks out, but my son took good extra care, and routes.

By the we arrived home the snow was quite deep, but so lovely and pristine. The air was so fresh, crisp, stars so studded in the sky. We didn't have heart to drive over the driveway. So perfect opporunity to let the dogs out, do our walk and both neighbors walks. Should think by morning there will be more shoveling to do.

We had lots of fun- I am trapesing down the street in long black velvet dress, with my winter thick socks and birkenstocks gliding along , with my snow shovel. My son just laughing with the mega shovel skating around me, and the dogs jumping around. Yeah, more food, more turkey coming are way... Oh course my perfect cue to get out there and work off that turkey...

My kids I suppose are going to see their dad tomorrow. They have detached. What ever, doesn't matter to much.

My x might go on his own to my daughter place do a brief gift exchange- his ow is not welcome around, they refuse to go to his house with his new family. He didn't have to do us what he did. If this ow was truly the "love" of his life, and she was a good person, well good on them I suppose. Sad she is well..... unmentionable.

My daughter spent Christmas with her hubby family in the country. I was so thrilled as she doesn't have to tolerate another Christmas with my x meanspirited,oppressive rude, family. They are quite the nasty family especially at Christmas.

Heavenly peace that transcends all understanding filled our hearts with peace, calmness and saftey with such a spirit of love, compassion!!!

Was all I wanted for Christmas, my whole entire life. So I said I was pretty heavenly spoiled!!!!

I will write you another post here to respond your family christmas. I am sorry I just get so excited and caught up in the flow of life events. Especially, when God is doing something so exciting!

Stever, you know all that trauma seems to have left on the tail ends of comet headed for disaster. God got us through===wee all feel so much better. Thankyou, for all your time to read all of this and your concern and prayers.

So Ahhh I am another year older hope this means I will be a little wiser!!! Once I get every thing else back on track, perhaps lord willing I will have a good shaker of Christmas eve party for all my family and friends, which I have kept pretty far away from. Or least in the spirits to crash all their parties. Just how it used to be!

Merry Christmas!

Hugs,
Sky

Hey Pal-- I am giving you a hug right back-Still a merry Christmas.

Mine was sort of ok,, missed the kids being here together.

I am sorry that all you and your children couldn't be altogther as complete family. I understand feel for you. So I am sending extra, extra hugs! Sucks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


My oldest two came back home, just to make sure i wasn't doing the day alone, i found that sweet,, you know? Then at about 11a.m. they went to their moms.

What sweet, good kids. To be so concerned about you. They must hurt so much as they are older to understand the pain, shatterness. Yet, they are powerless to fix things. I am convinced if they could they would.

Vee and Willaim called this morning to tell me Merry CHristmas, and so did my step-son. So i asked him to give everybody a hug from me and tell them Merry CHristmas,?

That's so sincerely sweetly heartfelt all the way up here! The kids have their hearts open and functioning. It's sad when adults hearts shut down, and close. I feel for all of you!

I sent W a Christmas e-card, and when i came home this eve, checked my e-mail, and i actually found a card from her!!! I was surprised,,, she told me that it was very thoughtful! ????????????

I loved hearing that Steve! Ya, did good. Wow a christmas e-card-that's the spirit! And she sent one back. Nice ring of mutual concern and mutual respect! I am happy for you, rejoice in the these small acts of civility. That's a big step for her.

Hope you will be able to send her more e-cards for different occasions! I am so proud of you! Did you get her anything for Christmas or will you?

What do you think has caused her to open her heart a bit more??? I am happy she did. Good going!

Thurs was payday, so yesterday i had to hit the stores quick,,, and only having little money and four children to buy for,,, i was alomst done, left the cart for about 8 to 10 minutes, and it disappeared. I had to re-start, and the store was closing in less than an hour.

I am soooorry to hear about that- sounds like some stressed out shopper must of grabbed your cart by accident. Frustrating to hear about the pressure. I actually was going to do my shopping on 23 as I normally by gifts well in advance.

I understand, most years, I am very organized. I buy most of my gifts in Jan a year ahead, catch the great sales. Nice gifts for neighbors, friends, family members, come home wrap them all up, stack, and store them for the whole year, another relavitively stress free Christmas. Then have little to buy during nov,dec. Other than groceries.

But with all the repairs, bills, wedding portion paying off, doctor'ss special vitamins program for my kids, etc one can do everything. As I mentioned last post for the past two years I went out to make things extra special with gifts, trips. Everyone actually got more cranky, miserable.

Then I lost my day getting to the bank waiting for the lawyer to call. My son stuff all through the afternoon. I told everyone were going to lower all the expectations. I can't undo what their dad has caused. I have done so much mopping up going from one crisis to another. I didn't cause these crisis.

Later that night thought well I zip out on the 24-wasn't aware my mom was making dinner on the 1:00 pm. I went well I am not going to worry about it. Obviously for what ever the reason here I am blocked and will go with the flow. It's OK...

I endep up focusing on my older two, and next weeks check will go towards my younger two.

That's perfectly fine thing too do, your kids are so tuned into the reality here of what's going on. They understand.

While my oldest 2 were opening their presents, i noticed my son realized something,,,his sister had a few more presents than him. I seriously try to keep the amount and quantity close, and the both of them know this.

Kids do have a sharp eye don't they. I think not so much about the gift per say. Checking out if there is any unshady dealings of favoritism going on. My kids are so famous for that. It's all apart of being a kid. Kids keep a fair run justice system.

They like their boundries, limits,and fairness micro worlds all in tack.

I informed him that she had one more than him, for the fact i had to make up for her B-day, i actually lost her B-day present, it was a cell phone, wasn't able to afford it.

Your daughter had her birthday. When was her birthday? Hope she had a wonderful birthday? Things will come in time. Unfortunately, it's the kids who really suffer resulting from seperations, dv. Really most families really can't afford to do stuff like this. DV, seperations one loses thousands of dollars. Is so waste full.

ANyhow, she still had a few other than that, so i told him i tried to find a PS-2, but every store was out of them. I promised him, when the stores get more, i will buy him one, then he was left excited!

Ooops out of the loop in kids world. Not sure what is PS-2 ? Well the ukarine hold Christmas Jan6- so you have more options celebration with Eastern World, if you want do a dinner, and whole other theme. Maybe your kids might enjoy celebration on that time.


Spent the day at my sisters, and if it wasn't for my mom, i had the intentions of staying home-

So was your mom and your family all together at your sister? How was the day-how does your family spend Christmas???? What nice gifts did you receive????


i wasn't sure how i'd handle/cope with doing CHristmas w/o my children, and nobody really loves misery,, right?

Well, it's tough coping/handling skills-on the holidays. Sounds like when you get more settled in your town, and church you will be probably meeting a whole lot of new nice people to be included or include people to your holiday celebrations!!!

I am comfortable for the most part being on my own. Being a only child, one adapts, at very early age, learns to read really fast. Why would loved to had a good piano growing up. I would used that time so productively. Space& and time..

And then one learns to be pretty outgoing. lol...Actually with everything that went on I was prepared to be on my own this Christmas.


I cannot function any longer in negative stress, tensions. Peace,

Holidays are tough on everyone-your so right it weird emptiness.. a void which should be filled and should not be....

Ended up being sort of ok,,

Being sort of OK is PERFECTLY ALRIGHT! Perfectly normal. Gentle and kind to your self? How are your ankles doing?

Have to share what gifts your kids got? It's always so much fun to hear about their surprises?

Thinking about you and your family! I am sleepy need sleep...Take care, please accept my prayers, warmest hugs!!

Thankyou for all your kind supports, and care! My eyes are about to drop off on the screen!

Keeping partying with Christmas doesn't stop all in one day?

God bless
Love
sky...

Hi Sky! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

it's nice hearing about your wonderful Christmas.
You know, i almost believe that every day has encounters of those bumps, sometimes we may just blow them by w/o actually noticing them.
Other days, depending on the circumstances,,-example- at this time of year, a little bump can actually be derived as a major obstacle. Where as if maybe the same isue would have become apparent at some other time, it more than likely would have remained only sometihng small??

Anyhow, i'm overjoyed hearing that all went well!
I'm wondering, after what you shared about your meal,, how much weight did you gain? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> sounded like a wonderful feast!


The presents for Stephanie,
a singing machine, that also has a camera, tv, and radio on it as well. She also can hook it up to the TV and watch herself. Her and Nickers spent the remainder of the morning singing, until their mom was here to pick them up. Then, as she was walking out the door, i noticed she had in in her arms,,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She also recieved -from Santa- lol she still believes,, j/king a big make-up kit, a nail polishing/buffing manicure set. A coat, (she really needed that, she has gone w/o up until now.) and of course her stocking, along with some body spray and perfume in it.

Nickers recieved 3 hoody sweat-shirts, and a metal detector. along with his stocking, with a bottle of cologne.

A PS-2, is a Play Station for video games. He had asked for a GameBoy advance, and 'if' i'm going to purchase any game thing, i'd rather it be the type where they all can interact together.

With my 2 youngest, so far all i have for them are a Brat doll each. THey both play barbies almost every day,, I'm hoping to get William a remote control truck, and maybe one more thing.

With Vee, she really wanted this horse carriage, i think it was from Barbie maybe, or maybe Cinderella?? not quite sure. ANyhow, i wasn't able to find one, they were at Wal=Mart, and I called every Wal=Mart around here, to no avail.

The first thing she asked me Christmas morning, "did Santa bring me presents there?"

With my W, i would like to get her something, yet i'm sort of nervous about it.

THe night she picked the children up, we spoke about us again?? Not sure what to think though.

I had something i wanted to tell her, and i was going to say it. I've been avoiding certain things, enabling, avoiding,,, for the fact she has been constantly getting upset with me, when i do mention us,, and i understand it's pushing and pressure.. .Just there are times when i also need to be heard, and that was another one of those times.

I started out by complimenting her, about her progress with her position, and for the great job she does in maintianing the web-site for where she works,,,

I reminded her that i'am the little voices for our children, i apologized, and accepted my part for our M being where it currently is, that it's fixable, i added that if anyone were to have ever asked me, if i was meeting my wifes needs, i sure would have said yes, for the fact i was constantly and alwasy trying, felt i was doing ok.

I was reminded how she tried telling me for quite some time i wasn't.

She then began sharing with me how her frustration is climbing with her mom, and mentioned something about eating, coming in and having to cook something for herself after working all day.

At that time, i reminded her(maybe it wasn't the right thing to do- but it's done) how i would cook her fav meals, and or how when she called from work stating she was hungry, and would ask if i'd make her something,,, how i felt so like warmed to be able to do that for her.

SHe replied, i'm not talking about pancakes and tater tots. I did make pancakes often, but thats what the children would ask for. W wasn't home at supper time with us, so i thought it was ok,, besides, i also would purchase seperate items for ehr supper, like the last time was pork chops,i made them especially and only for her,, and we ate something else. (just sharing, may sound like complaining)

ANyhow, we continued talking, and at one time she asked if i needed a phone with an answering machine, added how she has one she'll give to me. So me, trying to be that comedian- i asked if there would be a message from her on it, daily. She smiled,said shge will try,,
so i then added how i was after that laughter, and especially that pretty smile she has. SHe actually with soft spoken voice, said thank you, and made eye contact with me at the same time.
I felt some connection with her also, maybe it was because thats what "i" wanted,,, as we continued talking, i said hey-look up there at that wonderful moon, i'm trying to share with you that i'm offering the moon to you. She again smiled.
I added that i'am that little voice for my children, we're not asking you to give up anything, but we're ofering you a lot, and also offering you that fulfillment so you'll never have that need to stray again. And the reason you strayed xxxxx, was for the fact i did miss metting and fullfilling your needs. That doesn't mean i didn;t love you, it only shows that we do or did need to spend time together, i never learned how to do that, w/o time with you.

I really thought after i mentioned about the straying, she would really become upset, but she remained calm and collected,, i was surprised.

The way i began sharing my wants and feelings, was with admaration. She is very good at her position, and she also spends quite a bit of time working on a web site for where she works.

I then went into that does of radical honesty, adding that you can give a lot of your time into your career, and again, we're proud of you and your accomplishments, you also can spend a lot of time working on that web-site,, but xxxxx, we, your children and myself along with our M, i feel deserves that same chance and choice. Yet, you refuse to allow. and thats all by a choice,,,


When i was talking with my SS on the phone, we shared thoughts about the conversation between his mom and I, he so hopes that we do get things fixed and back together. ANyhow, he was pretty excited as well, and was surprised how his mom didn't get mad at me that night. ???

The night W picked the children up, she explained to me how she has to work and that hre mom wil be taking care of the children the majority of the time. ANd she will be working late on certain nights.

I was informed that she wil be calling me in a few nights, and more thanm likely wil be returnign them earlier,,, So, i lied!

I said i have plans and won't be here. I can;t remember what ehr reply was, i can only remember what i said at that time, "thats ok xxxxx, if thats what you need from me, then i wil change my plans."

During around the time of the moon, i also shared with her how i'm speaking with empathy, and the reason i'm letting you know xxxxx, is because there are times when i speak with empathy, i hear from you that i'm begging, and begging is unattractive, and there for i want/need you to know i'm with empathy.

I also acknowledged, aying that she has my sympathy, i was asked if i knew what that meant,, then i was asked what was my sympathy for. I mentioned, for the whole picture xxxxx, including where our M and family currently is, and how missing her needs must have left her feeling hurt,,,

My SS so looks forward to spending soem time here during Christmas break, and W said he could after CHristmas. YEsterday while on the phone he mentioned how he was excited about getting to come over here, so i shared with him, all you need to do is call and say dad, i'm on my way, you all know my door is alwasy open.

I asked him to go give everybody a hug for me, tell them Merry Christmas, he said I love you dad, and we hung up.

I'm sitting here in the dark, hoping that my W doesn't show up to drop the children off. Please, don't tak eme wrong, i want for ym children to be here, along with my SS, but W can be a mom, for at least another week, right?

WHen i lied, and them said i'd change my plans for her, i instantly felt uncomfortable, fo rthinking how that would affect my childrem, if it would even, do oyu know what i mean? I felt like i was using them, and didn't feel quite so comfortable.

Oh yeah, my children got me a new hat for CHristmas, but they actually got me more than that, they just may not realize it yet. THey got me their love, their happiness, and such along these lines, you know? IF they are happy at Christmas, then i sure am! and thats a pretty good sort of present.

One thing i cam eso close to doing yesterday for CHristmas, ,,, and i surely mean, so! close!.

I almost sent her an e-mail saying that i will agree and give her that divorce that she wants, that i'l file to object to her stopping our divorce. Adding this is what you apparently want, so what better time then now to give to you, and start the new year off,,, I wasn't able to either find it, or to actually allow, not sure which, if not both.

I was also going to request that she begin paying child support, adding that afterall, this is what she wants, is another broken family, ending with right?

It's now 6:20 and so far, no e-mail from her, and she can't get through on the phone, i'm on line.

I know in the past when she has said she will call me, and for what-ever reason that she didn't get an answer, she was left bothered. So now, knowing that she said she wil be calling in a few days, i'm somewhat unsure-maybe i should have the phone available. ? nah, she can wonder.

WIth spending Christmas day at my sisters, it actually was better than i imagined. I was left feeling empty at times,, but i was able to involve myself,,,

I have a neice that has 2 sons, and when the conversation turned to her personal problems, basically referring to her decision to tell her childrens father no, about her sons coming over. Instead she had another new b/f over for the entire day.

I shared my opinions, and i wasn't that Mr. Nice guy, i didn't cuss/swear or yell. I mad emy point to her, calmly, anyhow it was during this time when my reality was more at surface, thinking about the pain and saddness this lady, a mother has intentionally injected onto her own sons hearts, for her own selfish wanst and needs.

She has had about 7 new b/f so far this year. And each time, her sone become ance again, placed on that dusty shelf, as though they are/still another playing piece, in the game of life.

Hey my dear, i need to end here,, did you notice i wrote another chapter, ok-maybe 2 chapters.?lol

I hope you were able to get soem sleep. I hear where your coming from, as you were falling asleep at your computer,, been there.
Have a wonderful evening,

and thank you for all that you have gave to me, and my children. You do know, in so many ways you have been that God send.

I want to especially thnk you for shring that intimate part of you, as i'm sure you probably were a littel uncomfortable,, i'm wondering, did it leave you feeling vulnerable?

I think the main reason i asked that, was for the fact that i can remember thinking/feeling that allowing myself to open, could/would help me maintain being more vulnerable,,?

I'm not sure how you were able to actually maintain, coming from what you've shared about the bone chilling experience,, i can only imagine, although i do know i had that chill up my spine reading some of what you were sharing,, i think i was really 'listening' to you, as i were able to 'hear' your words. and actually to some extent, feel your fears, and confusion. If thats really possible, maybe i've watched enough Barney with my children, and i know how to really use my imigination. You do now who Barney the Dinosaur is, right?

TTYL,,, and really big warm and wonderful hugs to you! arms stretched all the way across the miles at that! so oyu better feel the warmth dear!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

smile, it's all good. and it feels good. if even for that brief moment.

<small>[ December 26, 2004, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

'singing'

Happy Birth-day to you,
Hap py birth-day dear sky,
Happy birthday, to you.

How o l d are you, ( you do know i'll need to know how many candles to put in your cake,,,)
and in order for me to bake your favorite cake, yoiu'll need to share what your favorite is?

HAppy Birthday!

what did you get me? lol

stever

Hi Sky!!!

hey, remember talking to me about writing?

Well, i'm going to be writing. and my writing will be in our local gazette!!!

And i'll also be visiting our State Capital building,,,

I also mentioned to you about contacting my cousin,,, now i need to figure out the hows. amd the where's,,, and hopfully he'll say yes.

Now, i'm in need of some prayers Sky.

TTYL.
stever

did you like my singing?
i'm still waiting, i'll be baking your cake soon,, so i need to know how many candles?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Merrry eve Stever!

Sorry-not getting back sooner. Hectic around here. So I am up for air!

First of all I wanted to say I am so HAPPY to know your children had such a lovely Christmas and received the desires of their hearts! Loved Vee' thinking-gift dropped for her at Wally Mart's, I laughed! What a clever, bright girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kool-you got a hat-nice going!!!
Secondly, I am absolutely thrilled by your news about your wife responding!!!! Huge" IMPROVEMENT'S steps! I just read with awe! Smilin ear to ear!

Hearing your news well made my heart feel so good! I can only imagine what God must be doing in both your hearts !

I know it's not easy. I understand, boy do I ever! If Jesus is in the center well he sure can heal you both and untangle all the hurts. Want to share this part with you.

Should you reconcile-set of dynamics altogether, that process is a whole other process of healing. I am very proud of you in all your work your doing here to work out the pain, grief, sorrow and heal your wounds!. Would be also wonderful if your pastor was tuned in here with Dr. Harley books, info. Too, reach out to your wife in Christ love.

You know-I think as I am trying to understand the bigger picture-and way I see it, a good portion of the martial problems is the lack almost of training in the seminaries themselves. Lots of fine churches, that really uphold the sacredness of marriage, have excellent support infrastructures.

Lots of churchs lost in time warp and act as marriage factory little to prepare people beforehand, and afterwards.

Good education, prevention, goes sooo much farther in preparing, maintaining healthy marriages in the first place. Think very little training goes into dsyfunctional families, how to properly handled martial& family crisis. Lots of denial goes on-it's the only world where it happens!

Since the stats indicate DV rate is somewhat higher amongst the Christian community as a whole. A world in the dark without Christ has very little hope, tools, or power from God to heal, bring repentance, restoration.

I do understand that your wife must feel fragile and very "frightened" so those small steps of reaching out too her is soooo wise, on your part! Good on ya=Bud- gimme me five! Lol! I am so happy!

You know--something that came upon my heart reading about the dynamics thread between your wife and her mother. Stands out.

I wonder IF there has been alot of harsh treatment and indifference towards her while growing up& not being too sensitive. Could be off base here.

Impression I am left with. Thought about mom running a day care, as business-- hard nosed-harsh discplinarian. Not concerned about feelings, sensitivity. I could be mistaken.

When I viewed Vee's photo album, I am taken aback by all the vibrant bears, creative energy between the two of you- creating a website. Sounds like your wife is a very sensitive creative person.

Don't know much about her dad! But I wonder if her traumas are linked in a sad hurtful past? I think about your comments about her saying that you were never there and always working. Hope I have that part right?

We have "gabbed" so much in our novel creation! lol. Move over soap operas. Lol...

Extra, special blessing isn't it to be able to participate in authentic Christ family-like community-to share the true condition of our souls, our woes, struggles, griefs, defeats, victories, our families, situations, and interior worlds as human beings.

By telling our stories to listen, hear, feel, understand. We grow and heal ourselves and one another. I am deeply blessed and enriched!

My girlfriend called me just before Christmas. Funny thing she brought up her husband work. Thought of your situation. I look at it from my girlfriend eyes who's hubby worked alot around the clock to provide a decent living.

She told me never took it personal, or as a sign as rejection. She just viewed as her hubby was " helping "the family and not "hurting" the family. Her part of backing what he was doing for all them.

Mind you my girlfriend had sweetest, humble hearted, lovingly two parents-so she has a solid foundation. She got married at 18 yrs old. She and hubby have the most sweetest, stablest, strongest, marriage I know of-next to my wonderful aunt& uncle overseas.

My friends, they too, have hard times her hubby having a cabinet/making business.You know how it is in the industry. Extra long hours, dry spells, unpredicatabilty in the market demand, work today , gone tomorrow, etc.

But they are always understanding, possess deep mutual respect, and dearly love one another. Operate as team. They have always been such a blessing in my life. But they have the Lord too, and take their vows very seriously. But it's just natural to them. Problems come up they just deal with it, they discuss it, make what ever adjustments, get another job, adjust, pretty easy going.

To cope with all her hubby absenses in the past. Well she and daughters felt the void, used the loneliness channled, got involved in martial arts. Hubby joined in few yrs later when he had more down time. Today, now share a family hobby/down to a couple hobby of teaching kids marital arts together 2 nights a week. They like throwing each other around. Dog training with thier dog.

They are wonderfully nice, decent, good people. No "guile" in either of them.

My girlfriend and I have been friends now for 29 yrs. We went to HS together, later worked together in so many projects to help our families for many yrs, went through our prodigal kid crisis together.

We don't always see each other these last years. But we don't whine, guilt& judge each other, keep score tab- But accept each other as we are and whatever going on in our lives. We just pick up when ever and happy to be each other& our kids. So it was great to talk about that the other day, of how much we appreicate one another.

So I am coming from that perspective since it's so fresh.

Plus, I have met daycare operators in the past- that have made my hair stand up. No real feeling or heart for kids. Just provided the bare basics, pretty detached ladies. It's just a business, felt really sorry for their own kids. Yikes.

Love hearing your wife is open to you cooking her dinner!!!! This is wonderful news!!!! And offering to get you an answering machine!!!! AWESOMELY EXCITING!!!

Thought the christmas card again was especially nice touch too! Not to threatening!Hope you will keeping going on that one, if she is responsive!

I wonder if her starting to feel more connected to being around the family and doing a few fam activities might not be so threatening?? As opposed to the marriage building right away, slow steps..

Ex; winter picnic- hot dog roast, a family swim at the local pool, etc... I am sure you have your own ideas. But she sounds so much more open and receptive these days! That's a good thing!

Yeah, I can see you being a bit nervous about getting her a gift-see where you are coming from. From my previous professional experince of floral designer running flower shops, and a fragrance consultant. Happy to offer my piddly 2 cents worth.

You would understand the majority of my client base are men. Many guys who were fumbling in the dark unsure of what their wives wanted, or wha they would like, or in the dog house for some reason. The guys in the dog house well, I say crack open that wallet, what's the infraction? lol...

Many guys that know what they want for their wives, girlfriends, fiances, moms, etc-or well trained. Thank GOD---I never encountered guys out in the open about affairs!!! They' have to do business else where.

I know of one poor florist placed in a terrible position like that and the heavy weight dude told her if she screwed up the order of flowers going to his wife, and mistress. She would never have a job in the city again. Talk about strong arming.

So I would suggest small items, like a rose from each of your kids, perhaps, a nice single white casa blanca lily or oriental lily. Nothing to overwhelming, nice fragrance, single stem flowers make such a nice thoughtful impression.

Even a nice small bag full of fresh colored floral petals bagged to add in a bath, along with a scented candle, small box of chocolates. On half price right now.

I can pick up a med sized cone bag of floral petals at our supermarket $4.00. Do that one even for my children to de-stress! Or other options, some nice soft mohair gloves, leather gloves, even soft cashmere scarf. Or nice pair of zircon earings to wear to work. Walmart has the best selection on the best looking zircons-great prices.

Fragrances-- can be touchy--- to risky sometimes.

Keeping thoughts in mind of simple, small, light and lightly very personal. Something she would have to put on to think about just YOU!!! Build slowly, step by step just as you are doing.

Of course cooking her favorites is such a nice touch...be sure to have some too.

So I can hardly wait until your next response!!!! This is getting better all the time!!! Wonderful things you are saying.

Thank you so very, very much for the kind singing birthday greetings. I appreciate your thoughts very much! Of course had a good laugh! Put on a big smile, lol...
You are such a jester! lol...

As admitting my new age--well I am now 4.5 decades old. Yep, it's weird feeling that I am 45 feels so strange. As I don't feel that old since I spent so many yrs submerged in the world of teens& youth.

Weird interacting with you adults! lol

I am happy to know your buzzed into kids world. A totally wonderful place to be too!

As for baking me a birthday cake! WOW WEE- I am impressed-good golly--miss molly-you never cease to amaze me!!!

Well, I am really touched now!!! I didn't know you were related to the Betty Crocker Clan! lol...

After the christmas dinner, we had, and forced into having two slivers of birthday cake. Your offering more cake?

I think I have been indulged spoiled enough! Don't you think???I am still in fasting mode here for quite awhile.. Will take me yet another few days of ultra light eating for my system to calm down.

I greatly appreciate your support and understanding, in reading about our family trauma. It's not very pleasant to read about as you know just dealing with adulteries, sep, dv is difficult.

As for feeling vulnerable, well I guess I have mixed feelings on some level. I feel on some levels I shouldn't dwell on "it" anylonger. Fades into the background like a video. Like a bad video tape. Yet many strong emotions swelled up this week it was overwhelming made me dizzy.

God is obviously doing a much "deeper" work in me that surfaced. For sure. Thanks so much for being here for me! Means a great deal to me!

God has used you to help me come more to terms with our trauma.

I am in person quite "open" about it, as it is sad reality and most of poor friends can't relate, it scarey and has been so shocking!
Yes, one reads about it, hears about such bizzare happenings, everyone feels helpless, so busy with their platters..

My other best friend called me last night- we talked more about the trauma. She and husband, other prayer partner pray every wednesday for our family, my x salvation. We both agree had my x being under the discipline and care of truly ordained pastors in order-it wouldn't have gotten as far as it did.

Throughout the years her hubby was the only to stand up, confront him, reach out to him. But as we talked about it= as my best friend- she commented throughout my life she has seldom seen me cry at my life worst, which always has thrown her off. I just tend to pretty much talk things out.

I am emotional person-I will cry for others, sad situations, touching things. Her frustration pet peeve with me. She had no idea I was in such pain-quitely frankly neither did I to depths I am hurting.

I too, developed a keen interest later did a lot of reading to trying too, understand, personality disorders, etc. Often if there is no underlying organic dsyfunction, unrepantant sin will produce disorder imbalances too. That's hotly debated these days too.

I also wonder about too, about ws that mess around about the impact of STD/infections. Many causes for insanity- and sinful deranged mind. Complex. Layer upon layer of understanding is needed to determine WHAT happens in someone head, what went wrong.

It almost feels like to me, on some level, not sure as I don't know all my x whereabouts, or with whom-abouts. I get perculiar impressions/ thoughts that come to my mind is also the impact of untreated syphilis, or gonorrhea can also produce "rabbies" of the mind or "ravage" the mind neuro-syphilis-apart from the havoc unresolved trauma's.

Since, I am naive in those matters of course-don't participate in those activities. Those who actively participate in the "lifesytle" like my x might not be clued in either. No way of ever knowing.

I did manage to reduce alot of drugs from my x--system had him drink a heck of alot of green tea every day to clean his system, from all the toxic effects.

But then again what one uses in their social circles one doesn't know about, in entirely different situations. Toss, in the multiple partners,lots of diseases also accompany that "lifestyle" leaving a lots of sick people sadly walking around.

Stever, I wonder for some of these really acting out bizzare ws if they do have these rabbies in the mind. Making life even crazier.

Lot research studies seem to indicate with hard drugs usually takes 1 2 yrs for the brain to repair itself from damages-sometimes it's definately permanent neuro damage, sometimes the brain bounces back to normalcy.

But all I know--for me--I have lost complete respect and trust for x and will never trust him again. Once the total respect and trust is completely destroyed. The conscience is definately seared here in my x case.

Remedy, for me is follow scripture make it very clear to stay away from bad company. Who my x is. But to pray earnestly for his salvation.

So if you have thoughts feel free to jump in and share your research and understanding. I am soo sorry that you had to give up- and all that happened. Maybe God had other plans, or just to premature timing with all the crisis, trauma's going on.

Again thanks for the hugs, understanding, ear and compassion. I am so blessed by your support. It was obvious that bad video tape had surface. Only way to deal with it is confront it head on-pray about it talk about it-God will take care in disregarding those tapes.

Yep--it sure hurt us deeply and takes time to heal from the "immensity" of that kind of impact.

The hugs have been collected-and deeply felt!

Yours in Christ!
Sky

Hi Sky- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> -flirt flirt-
just sending you a little flirting- lol

your in Christ!
stever

remember-it's all thru harmless keyboard-

Mr. Stever,ahem Sir.....

Which saluation ending address would though preferest ??? Oh picky man? Make up your mind? lol

Thankyou, for your continued assistance.
Yours truly,
Truly yours,
Sincerely,
Sincerely yours,
Respectfully,
Respectfully, yours
Sincere regards,
Very truly yours,
Pig's eye later dude,
Hawaiian good luck sign,
The flipped Bird,
Bye
See ya
Ciao
Outta here
SD

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Man Stever, are you sure you don't have God issues? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> lol

12.29.04
Sky Diver


Mr.Stephan
Consultant
Marriage Builders
MB-AEIOU-screamin Y Forum
1234-Imagination Road
Anytown, NY 5678

Dear Mr. Stephan;

Re:

hey, remember talking to me about writing?

Well, i'm going to be writing. and my writing will be in our local gazette!!!

And i'll also be visiting our State Capital building,,,

I also mentioned to you about contacting my cousin,,, now i need to figure out the hows. amd the where's,,, and hopfully he'll say yes.

Now, i'm in need of some prayers Sky.

TTYL.
stever

did you like my singing?
i'm still waiting, i'll be baking your cake soon,, so i need to know how many candles??

Hey there,

Weird-just wrote you another post, wouldn't click on-did copy paste, tried it again lost everthing. Blanks came up. Darn-- it was a good one. Seems my pc must be acting up.

Congratulations on your media time- Awesome news to hear they are receptive! Nice to bring family values to the forefront in a negative family cultured world. You have so much to contribute, as a big hearted voice for kids!

And going to your state capital to bring awareness of martial/family perservation. Fantastically marvelous news!!!

How did that all come about for you? You must be so excited and I am excited for you!!! I am sure you will be highly favorably received!

A good short mission statement. Top of my head. Kids need heartbeat parents. Love generously. Work on it.

Elated for you! As for your cousin- sounds like he would enthustiac and very open as your themes work hand in hand! Just connecting with you! Of course I will be praying for you!!!!

Too late to start all over!
Smiles,ahhh regards, ahhhh...fill in your own blanks.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Sky

Mr. Stever,ahem Sir.....what's up with that? lol

Very truly yours, sincerely yours,

this is my prefernce,, lol sounds sort of loving and respectful too- rofl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did that all come about for you? You must be so excited and I am excited for you!!! I am sure you will be highly favorably received!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is coming about from another site i'm involved in and with,,,

and one of if not the most important reason this came about for me,, is not only for my children, but for all thise other hurting innocenbt children,,,

i do knwo i'm with the strong desire to do something- and to help- if i can reach out and help even just one family, then hey, thats all good to, cuz maybe they too in turn can reach to yet another family,,

and this to will affect the end final results of the children, for even lonegr terms, and with th eperson they opt to marry,, in other words- it can be contagious- hopefully.

As i stated before though, i'm no writer, most th time i feel as though i don't express myself accordingly, or proper?? yes, i'm nervous already, but more so,, "very excited!


I recieved another nice e-mail from my W-

something that has more recently entered my thoughts- i've learned how to be in a certain way, how to think even- over these past few years- now i realize i search for a motive?

-example- after reading W's e-mail- i was with wondering thoughts, why is she being nice, and thinking me agin for yet th elast nice message i e-mailed her? Is it because she knows how to play at my heart strings, there for the results will be,, i'll give to what she wanst?

The night she picked up the children- she said she'd be returnign them early, adding she would call me in a few days/ so- i commented how i had plans,, i lied to her.

Her e-mail today suggested that i keep my plans, and asked if she could return the childrern early Sunday, cuz now she'll need to work all night sunday night, due to not working New Years eve,, for having the children with her.

I also allowed myslef to wonder, if she's being nice, thinking that my plans are with another lady, so she now feels comfortable with being nice towards me.,.,.,

several weeks ago, she said yes to workign on us, her words contained that soft empathy voice, and i actually felt much different, than i ever have after listening to her, i trusted that this time, she was legit??? yet, it still never was permitted or allowed-

anyhow, life still goes on, with or w/o her,.

Do you have any exciting plans as you celebrate New Years ??

MIne are wining and dancing the night away- with you,, 'respectfully yours, and always--' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> flirt flirt--



me>

Stever, your just sooo CHEEKY!

Yeah, uhmmm, mmmmm, yes sir-ee... just keep pushing them "buttons" looking for my reactions and baby I promise you will have action and be literally rolling on floor. Belive me. Come on, get closer, read these words.

Remember, toots! I too, can push buttons and have your local fire department show up at your door in no time, hoses and all! Cool things down, for underchallenged and under-excerised dear friend like you. lol--GO---WA- HOO!!!

Tell them you are permanently volunteering your time services with them from now on----phone your local bikers bar for that matter, say party all ya can "drink" at Stever's. So take that!! lol

So I suggest in your best interest you better be real, real, real nice to me! or Look out dude!

Yeah, you'd better start being more loving, humane, kind, unselfish, good citizen, get respectful and clean up your act buckco. And
HEAR THIS- If you dont'

I will personally enroll you in every online MANNERS SCHOOL IN THE ENTIRE WORLD-that I can find and not speak to you for months. Tee, hee, hee... I can bush buttons too, and have lots of fun rofl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Stever, I take double cream poured first, then tea made from filtered water, preferbly Earl Grey tea, my first choice.Served in a china cup, with a saucer underneath. Stirred once, with one bisket, small slice of cheddar cheese, with a nappie,PLEASE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And Thank You,for your very kind considerations and being such attentive gracious Host! As your hospitalities are greatly appreciated--- Darhling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> lol...

As for notions of whining and dancing with me yet. I see you are amused by picking on me. You are Cheeky!!!!

In that case you will have to be "dismissed" from further communications, and return back to manners school 101. Start all over with the basic, in exchanging polite niceties of conversation-between two human beings.

Like how are you ? How nice to hear from you? How are your children? How is your aunt? How is the weather? Have you read any good books lately? What do you think of the gas prices? My what a nice outfit you are wearing?

And politely offer, make and serve me tea nicely for a very, very, very long time over,over, over, for being so naughty, and forward! lol, lol,

Very truly yours, sincerely yours, respectfully, kindly,warmly,graciously yours aka: sky diver- a nice person, a human being, citizen lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

NO MORE ROAMING ON THE KEYBOARDS FOR YOU! GOOD NIGHT! Heaven's, there must be a full moon out tonight! DOWN! That will be 100 Jumpin Jacks in the a.m---1 hour power walk. DO IT...Lol, lol,....

Chill Stevie!!! lol........ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi my darhling,,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

oh shucks,, geez- i too think your CHEEKY!!! lol

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, uhmmm, mmmmm, yes sir-ee... just keep pushing them "buttons" looking for my reactions and baby I promise you will have action and be literally rolling on floor. .</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">oh oh-- literally rolling on the floor- my curiousity is aroused lol tell me more- tell me more. You have my attention,,i'm closer>


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I suggest in your best interest you better be real, real, real nice to me! or Look out dude!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i thought i was being nice <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> oh well- story of my life,, ya think you have a girl figured out, then she springs out the surprises, and realities- go figure-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, you'd better start being more loving, humane, kind, unselfish, good citizen, get respectful and clean up your act buckco. And
HEAR THIS- If you dont'</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">um- -think think- still thinking-- oh yeah, i didn't like dancing that much anyway-lol we don't need to dance the night away. besides, i don't think my stretched arms would last very long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will personally enroll you in every online MANNERS SCHOOL IN THE ENTIRE WORLD-</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">geez, i'm quite impressed with your consideration for me,, do oyu think enrolling would help me-much? I'm touched with your thoughts,
dear. although i'm not sure what to think about the part of not tal;king to me for months though- i think i'd have to be Mr. Blue -w/o you.

I can bush buttons too, and have lots of fun rofl!

hmm, i'm a visual person, and what i'm seeing- could be quite interesting. gosh, i hope i'm hearing what you 'neded' me to roflmao!!! lol


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stever, I take double cream poured first, then tea made from filtered water, preferbly Earl Grey tea, my first choice.Served in a china cup, with a saucer underneath. Stirred once, with one bisket, small slice of cheddar cheese, with a nappie,PLEASE.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">am i now confused, as usual- still thinking i had my sky friend figured out here,, ok - ok. when we arrive - w/o any reminder, i'll inform the waiter- your personal preference, yes- including with a nappie just for you, the way you like it.

AND--- listen here my sweets,,, i'll personally make this request - still just the way you prefer, 'personally'-with a special touch too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And Thank You,for your very kind considerations and being such attentive gracious Host! As your hospitalities are greatly appreciated--- Darhling.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lol...


i stil think its' your fault-


***As for notions of whining and dancing with me yet. I see you are amused by picking on me. You are Cheeky!!!!***
hey- cheeky for cheeky- right? Sky, right?


Just for you, i started all over with the basics,, allow me the opportunity to display-

Sky - my most wonderful dearest 'loving' friend you- how the he!! are you? You must know i'm thinking you are the worlds most best and wonderful lady on the planet,,,(they inform4ed me a little flattery is something all ladies enjoy? (hoping they're correct??


I'm quite touched merely by hearing from you. As a matter of fact, when i seen a reply from Sky- my heart skipped a beat- yet this daxxed page - seemed as though an eternity to open and it took a simple .5 seconds to open, arrgh.


You know, there is something i need to share with ya- that outfit you wore while typing to me, sure looks marvelous on ya,, fits you most perfectly, in ways i've never noticed- as of until now. WOW! (rapid heart- beat)

I installed this device on my computer, it allows me to see those who have typed or sent an e-mail to me,, i must say, WOW!!! Sky! i'm breathless, and somewhat speechless, can you imagine that? me being speechless? especially with you?

Our weather here the last two days, been rather like spring! How's the weather there? Getting snow? wanna play in the snow? can be fun? whats more fun though- is warming up after. hmm, now that's a pleasant warming thought, huh.?

Yeah, after you drink that cup of tea, hot chocolate and sit by the fireplace, i find that quite warming, right to the inner core.

Hey, were you thinking of something else? Did you have somnething else in mind? Like warming up, together? WoW!? you're my kind of gal afterall!

Hey darhing,,,how's the family doing? give them lots of hugs for me will ya? let 'em all know i said hi.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And politely offer, make and serve me tea nicely for a very, very, very long time over,over, over, for being so naughty, and forward! lol, lol,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hmm, like a very, very long time? hmm, sounds quite interesting! I'm intriqued! as in- like the rest of your life? Will that do?

Sky? May i offer you some tea madam? Just the way you desire? adding that special touch -served with loving thoughts to? for a very-very- real very long time?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very truly yours, sincerely yours, respectfully, kindly,warmly,graciously yours aka: sky diver- a nice person, a human being, citizen lol</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">with curiousity, are you convinced, or coinceded? either way, those are soem of my thoughts about your eprson as well,, does this mean we have something in common? you!?

hey, i decided to post-pone those jumping jacks, and the power walk- for now -ok?

i look forward to hearing from you,,

just checking, is this where i'm to add the,

sincerely, truly, and loving yours??

TTYL-

your stever lol

i'm practicing making your tea- the way you like,, you know the saying, practice makes perfect-so before i'm allowed to offer, i need to have it down-and totally remembered,, for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>