In the beginning of all this crud, the matrimonial home was sold (equity in trust with the court -- 6 years later, still in trust), no money, I was a fulltime student and no child support. My sister, bless her heart, helped me out financially. She was NOT suffering by any means and had to fight with me to take the money. She had the six figure income, no mortgage payments...you get the gyst. Told me "don't worry, no interest, when you can pay, you pay, when you sell your first book, you can pay me then"

Flash forward....she squandered all her money away. Lost her job. Spend magnificicent amounts of money on needless things (trips all over...paying for her grown kids to go on trips). She wasn't happy with herself and got her teeth crowned. Went to ONE dentist and let him have at her. He botched the job and she's been in pain for the past two years. She's not working, had to sell her house, incurred debt up the ying-yang on credit cards (because she still continued to spend like she had all this money).

Yesterday -- after a really crappy day myself, I went to visit my mom. Sis has moved in with her after she attempted suicide in February. I have been paying her for the past year a payment on a monthly basis, to what my budget allows. Sis now wants to amotorize it, add interest and insists that "since you are on your feet now" you can pay me more.

I am shell shocked. My budget can't stretch any more than what it has. My car died a couple of weeks ago. Couldn't fix it, so a salvage company actually came and picked it up. God Bless friends who sold me another beater for $1.00. I could maybe squeeze another $50.00 every month, but that means no entertainment or extra's (like a prescription, or a field trip for my daughter). We are just making it. Told her the same and she just looked at me with this blank look on her face.

I've been down the road where I had nothing...my sis helped me move in with my mom. I had to get rid of the family pets. So many things that I had to do without with my child and that she doesn't (living with mom). I don't have anything to liquidate. I don't qualify for any loans. Any advice would be most appreciated.

I don't have any real advice. I haven't experienced your situation but have been involved in the "family loan" situation.

Mine was the other way around. My mother has a gambling problem and over the course of the years spent what little $ my parents had and ran them into the ground financially.

My H and I had decent jobs and ware middle income and she asked for help. We loaned (the key there--I told her I wanted repaid, because I was unhappy that she put herself in the situation she was in) her some money, paid some bills, and have bailed her out several times. Some of the $ she repaied on her own, some she didn't.

Fast forward about 4 years. I am now divorcing. While I have a very good job for someone with a 2-year degree and am getting chld support for my youngest child, I also kept the house and have a child in college.

My budget is MUCH tigher than it was. I could really use the rest of the $ she owes me. However, because I know she doesn't have it in her budget, I basically forgave the loan.

I believe loans and gifts of $ are a very touchy situation when they take place in families. It's my opinion that even if you LOAN someone the money, if you don't have a legal document at the time, you just as well consider it a gift anyway and not let it destroy the family relationship if it's never repaid.

In your case, it sounds like the $ was a GIFT, and your sister, while it is sad that she ended up in dire financial straits, needs to give it up and rebuild her own life financially and stop worrying about what she gave to you.

On the other hand, if I were in your situation, I would do my best to repay the $ as I could, though I don't by any means think there should be an amortization schedule with interest! The $ I loaned my family, even though it was truly to be a LOAN, was never going to include interest.

Just my 2 cents.

LL

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Elan,
I am sorry that your sister is still struggling. I suggest you again set the boundaries you need to for your own financial protection. Write down how much you still believe is outstanding of the gift your sister gave you and plan how you can continue to pay this back over time to her as "returning a gift".

If she now insists on the repayment with amortization etc, perhaps give this back to her with your right to equity in your home (which is held by the courts) so when this is resolved,you will be able to pay her in full.

Can she claim disability insurance?

Please take care of you. I will e-mail you today

You had a verbal contract with your sister about the loan, its terms, and repayment. To change any of that now would require agreement from both of you, just as you both agreed when the loan(s) were made. Clearly, you are not in a position to change the terms now even if you wanted to.

Why not express that to your sister? That you wish you were in a position to change the terms of the loan(s) but if you could you certainly would, and if your financial position changes before the balance of the loan(s) is paid off then you see what you can do then.

Good luck and take care

Thanks all! I appreciate your feedback and take it all to heart.

lordslady: Thank you...I was feeling a bit like I was the one losing it. I am repaying the best I can within my budget. She continues to accrue debt, while I work on paying mine off. My daughter even had her braces taken off because it wasn't a basic necessity. She's getting deeper into debt and trying to blame me for that. She said, "I helped you out when you needed it." I acknowledged her help with thanks and told her that if I could squeeze more out of my budget I would, but under the circumstances, I couldn't.

amoknow: My mom even told her that when she dies (Mom that is) (how MORBID is that????!!!!) that my portion can go towards paying her back. I told sis that even legal aid has turned me away because of all the legal crud. Anything I say to sis is certainly not as bad as her. Funny, how anything I say, she is one up on me. When I told her how much debt I had with student loans and legal bills, she was the one saying that she too left her marriage with "all" the bills. (what she neglected to say was that she had a 6-figure income while in comparison I was a full time student with NO job). Just baffles the hell out of me.

LovingBoundaries: Funny...I was just thinking about boundaries and actually re-read the workbook I did on "boundaries" about 2 years ago. It was full of references to my sis and the problems she has with money. There was a verbal agreement. She would do things like take the kids shopping for school clothing, spend $2000 on them and then tack that onto my bill owing. When we moved out of the matrimonial home, I was so hurt and reeling in pain (remember, no job, and fulltime student) -- she found a duplex and paid 6 months in advance (that too was tacked onto the bill that I "owe" her.)

At the time it happened I didn't have the courage or strength to say "NO". I was just easier to go along with it. Now I'm paying the price and unfortunately it has also cost us our friendship.