I am a first time poster here at MB and I am not sure where to start, so I will start from the beginning.
I have known my wife for almost 9 years. (We are both in our early 30's I am 31 and she is 32). We dated for the majority of that time, taking periodic breaks to see others and figure out if we really wanted to be together and if we were right for one another.
1 year ago I decided to take the plunge, I asked her to marry me, she was shocked, but thrilled and accepted.
We have been married for 6 months and 2 days. We had a beautiful wedding in the Virgin Islands, small ceremony, just us, a minister and some witnesses. I felt like we were unstoppable. She has a no BS attitude and tells it like it is, one of the reasons I love her so much.
Anyway, only 2 months into the marriage she starts telling me she is not getting enough sex, so I ramped it up a bit, for a week or so and we were having sex a couple of times a day about 5 days a week. I thought this was enough for a while and backed off, to like 4 times a week. The thing that bothers me is she always wants me to initiate the sex and that gets old after a while. Men like to be chased and desired just as much as women do. After telling her I would like her to initiate sex every once in a while, I decided to stop initiating sex to see what would happen and just like I thought, nothing happened. She complained and told me she was unhappy and I needed to fix things or she was going to leave me, she said "I refuse to be in a sexless marriage." I told her she needed to initiate things at least some of the time and she said she can't.
Then last night we were laying in bed and she was sleeping, while I laid there holding her. She has this wierd thing that she does when she sleeps where she likes to use my chest as a leg rest and she takes my hand and presses it on her "female organs". I always tell her she does it when she is sleeping and at first she didn't believe me, then she caught herself doing it. Anyway, I was feeling kind of "randy" so I started rubbing the spot where she put my hand (something I have done in the past and she wakes up delighted and things go from there), but yesterday she worked 13 hours and was on a lot of medication for cervical neck pain. It was late when all of this started happening, so she was going to get only 4 hours of sleep and then work another 13 hour shift. So I decided to take things into my own hands, literally. I took care of my business, so I wouldn't wake her to have sex and after I finished, before I got out of the bathroom, she yells "What are you doing?", of course I lied and said "taking a piss" and 1 second later emerged out of the bathroom. She knew what had happened and was utterly disgusted, told me I was a scumbag and she wanted a divorce.
Mind you I think I know where it is coming from. She injured her neck this past week, so we only had sex once during the week (I initiated it of course) and she is probably pissed because she wanted to have sex even at the expense of sleep, but I was trying to be mindful of her condition and just felt like I needed to leave her alone.
The worst is yet to come (no pun intended). My wife is extremely attractive (not because she is my wife, but she really is) She tells me that if I won't give her a divorce she is going to cheat on me so I will have to give her a divorce, because I told her when we got married that is the only way I would divorce her, that everything else can be worked out. She gets offers from guys all of the time, wanting her phone number and/or a date, even though they can clearly see she has almost a 2 carats worth of diamonds on her wedding finger! SHe told me last night she was considering taking these guys up on their offers, that maybe then she would get some sex.
I know she is frustrated about the sexual situation, but so am I and I have told her how I feel.
I suppose my question is, what, if anything, can be done to bring her back? She says she hates me and finds me repulsive b/c of what happened last night (mind you she had several vibrators both when we were dating and engaged, but none now).
She is serious about the divorce thing and said to me, "You will know how serious I am when I call my lawyer on Monday!"

Any advice or observations are welcome.

Yikes! Welcome to marriagebuilders. Did she complain about not enough sex before you were married?

No she never complained before about not enough sex and we only had it a couple of times a week. She tells me now, "We used to have it all of the time". The fact is, we weren't always geographically close, so when we did see each other, we did have sex, maybe 3 times a week. Now that we live togther and are married, it seems 3 times a week is not enough. My only problem is it gets old initiating it ALL of the time. When we do have sex it is wonderful!

Sounds to me like she has some hangups. I am like her - never initiating sex. My WH used to complain about it.

Do you think you are meeting her emotional needs?

I know she has some hangups, going all of the way back to her childhood, abuse etc to some poor decisions she made in her first marriage (she was very young).
You have been married for 8 years and said you never initiate sex, how does that make your husband feel? Does he mind, do you all talk about that?
I know I can't make her change her mind about things or get her to do things she doesn't want to do, even if I could get her to initiate sex, I would want her to WANT to, not force her or make her feel bad.
I am really at a loss here. I was surfing the web and found a book by Homer MacDonald, called "Don't Divorce". Do you have any input on the book? I have seen some mixed reviews.

Well I listen to Dr. Drew every now and then. He said, man initiates sex, and if man don't want it, he ain't in to her. Perhaps your wife feels the same way. I have been M 18 years and "I DON"T" initiate sex.

Good luck,
laura2

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She has this wierd thing that she does when she sleeps where she likes to use my chest as a leg rest and she takes my hand and presses it on her "female organs". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you thought that this is her way of initiating sex. Perhaps she can't be forward about it but is doing something.

JM2C

WIWH

What were the abuse issues??

Change your attitude. Next time she brings up divorce, you tell her that you AGREE with her. Tell her you think it is a good idea and that you are tired of all her complaints.

Back off from her and call her bluff and mean it.

If you have been paying attention to this site, you should be able to see that trying to get them to stay, not only never works, but actually works against you.

Check out the threads of VenusMars and LovingWifeinTexas. If you analyze their threads, you will see that at one time they both had affairs and both continued to do whatever they wanted and were selfish UNTIL their BS told them that their feelings had changed and that they thought they wanted out...

It is the norm..... Reject her the same as she is rejecting you and you may see her changing her tune. You will look more attractive in her eyes because you will come across as more confident. And confidence is a huge factor in romantic love..

Good luck

Next time she brings up divorce, you tell her that you AGREE with her. Tell her you think it is a good idea and that you are tired of all her complaints.
No, it’s a BAD idea.
Don’t tell her it’s a good idea unless you want a divorce.

Back off from her and call her bluff and mean it.
If you want a divorce, get one. If you don’t want one, don’t threaten one.

If you have been paying attention to this site, you should be able to see that trying to get them to stay, not only never works, but actually works against you.
Yeah, and if you had read anything on this site, you would have noticed that your advice goes against much of what Marriage Builders is all about.

It is the norm..... Reject her the same as she is rejecting you and you may see her changing her tune. You will look more attractive in her eyes because you will come across as more confident. And confidence is a huge factor in romantic love.
Yeah, it is. But again, if you reject her, then you are going completely against Marriage Builders principles.
If you do not agree or choose to do something else, that is your choice.
But don’t tell people this is how MB is supposed to be done when it CLEARLY isn’t.

It is never too late to talk about marital expectations.

How much sex did you expect when you were married?

How much sex did she need and expect?

What does sex mean to her? (Proof of her attractiveness?)

What does sex mean to you?

You got married after having a long term relationship. And not living together. And the sex did not go like you both expected it to. (this is sooo common...)

How did each of you hope the sex would go?

You can work this out, it will be tough but you can do it. You may resent having all that sex like a machine. She may resent not having enough "proof that she is attractive and that you want her" that sex probably brings her.

You will have to probe deeply (no pun) into her sexual attitudes and how her sex life went in her life before you. And you will have to look at your own sexual attitudes.

She could be substituting that sex for something else she needs. Twice daily is alot of sex! Something is going on.

Did she have much sex in previous marriages or relationships?

Do you tell her how beautiful she is and give her a lot of touching and cuddling and attention aside from sex?

Thanks everyone for all of your input. I must say I do not agree with keepmovn4wrd's approach, but I DO agree with Chris -CA123.
I knew there were deeper issues associated with the situation and it all finally came to fruition last night. She told me she hasn't been feeling appreciated lately, kind of like what baba2 said. She cited many examples of this for me and I agreed with her, I haven't been doing the "little things". After she got it all out I agreed I needed to pay more attention to her needs. Baba2 was right, she was focusing on the sex b/c some of her other needs weren't being met.
To answer John3479: She was abused every way you can imagine; physically, verbally and sexually, which I think is the cause of many of her problems. She has worked through a lot of the issues, but I know she is not all of the way over things.
How much sex did you expect when you were married?
We never really talked about it, which was part of the problem. She just assumed things would be as they were when we didn't live together and I knew things would change (less sex)and was ok with that.
How much sex did she need and expect?
After recent coversations (since my initial post) she has told me she needs it daily, or at least 4 or 5 times a week.
What does sex mean to her? (Proof of her attractiveness?)?
I don't know exactly what sex means to her. All I know is she isn't very happy when she is not getting it, whether she gives it to herself (vibrator) or is getting from me.
What does sex mean to you?
Sex is an extension of ones relationship. I have sex with my wife because I want to pleasure her and see her fulfilled. It is a part of a loving, comitted relationship which also has elements of safety and security.

You can work this out, it will be tough but you can do it. You may resent having all that sex like a machine. She may resent not having enough "proof that she is attractive and that you want her" that sex probably brings her.
I think you hit the nail on the head with that comment. My wife is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, let alone been in a relationship with. I am extremely attracted to her and try to tell her so, but she dismisses my comments and tells me "You are just saying that 'cause you have to". I tell her that is not true, but she still doesn't believe me most of the time.

You will have to probe deeply (no pun) into her sexual attitudes and how her sex life went in her life before you. And you will have to look at your own sexual attitudes.
One of the things we discussed over the past few days was her and my past sexual relationships. They are not all that different. The problem I found was that we both were always the "pursued". She is always used to the man taking the initiative and I was used to the woman taking the initiative. struggling4years said ""I DON"T" initiate sex." and that may be true for her, but maybe that is why she is struggling. When you are in a comitted relationship you need to give, because we all take, some of us just are not willing to give as much as we take. I talked to my wife about this and told her I am more than willing to initiate sex more than I have, but I need her in turn to give little signs that she might be interested and she half heartedly agreed (at least some progress).

Did she have much sex in previous marriages or relationships?
She did and so did I, but like I stated in the previous rambling, we were both the "pursued", not the "pursuer".

Do you tell her how beautiful she is and give her a lot of touching and cuddling and attention aside from sex?
We always snuggle, hold rub and massage one another, while watching tv or in bed before we go to sleep. Hold hands when we go out etc.

Thanks again to all who gave me input.