First, found out that OW has offered to let DD live with them if she'd like. So much for OW repeatedly promising me they had no intentions of taking her away from me. And she's considering it.

But that's small compared to this:

Bad night tonight with DD, and I was trying for once to stand my ground and not let her walk on me. Simply asked her to load the D/W and it became a major fiasco for her--angry, cursing, ranting.

I maintained my calm on the outside. Talked calmly and slowly and matter-of-factly. Told her I wanted respect. (Inside, I was seething)

So, I'm in my bedroom cooling off after she threw dishes and silverware all over the kitchen floor, trying to decide what my next move was...

And I hear her screaming on the phone in her room. And I hear...

"I can't help it if your son knocked me up!!"

-----------------------------------------------


I don't even know what to say...what to do...how to act. Her life...toast, if she is. And I feel very guilty because I also am thinking how that's just one more nail in my coffin of never being able to find love again if I'm supporting a teen mother and a baby (and I don't even have the money to support two people with no child support).

I am angry at her. I am hurt for her. I'm not sure it's the real deal yet. Her period isn't due for several more days, so I'm not sure how accurate her test was. But she had a very crampy, bad period last month so it's possible she is PG and it's been going on for over a month.

I am sick, if it's true. I am totally against abortion. I won't give my approval for her to get one if she's PG, but if she chooses to anyway, I am left to deal with it.

I also found out from what little she said, that OW and STBXH already know about this and that OW is taking her to Planned Parenthood tomorrow for another test.

Why do they keep these things from me? Why do they lie to me.

How do I deal with all this?????

LL

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, I feel for you. I'm so sorry. Once you know for sure, I think you'll be able to better assess your options and your daughter's options. I'm not talking abortion either. There's adoption for one. Also, the boyfriend will need to help support the child.

Your daughter need not give up on life, just on childhood. I know this is just about the last thing you need.

Meanwhile, I'm crossing my fingers.

Forgive me, but I do not know your whole story, because I am just a lurker from time to time, BUT.. I was just wondering if there is counceling going on in your situation?? not only for you, but your DD..? I my self have a teen.

(it is getting alot easier, not because of age, but because my ex left yrs ago, so "time" truely is the biggest healer, and at first she blamed "ME" for his leaving, because he said, he did not want to come back, because of me, meaning it was all my fault this was happening, "in the beginning" which was the furtherest from the truth)

I took it upon my self to make an appt for her/us, with out her permission, put her in the car, and after going through two councelers, which she did not like, we finally found mutual ground with the thrid one.. we went for two yrs straight, EVERY WEEK, (unless there was a holiday) and hardly missed one appt. this was my life saver.. I told her, this was not just about the divorce, it was about HELPING "US" communicate better as mother and daughter, because "I" remember when I was young how my mom and I clashed.. and so I wanted "US" to have MORE then I did with my mom (at the time, we are great freinds now) in a relationship.. BUT my dad and mom never divorced when I was that young, (they did much later, in my twentiesm which by the way, hurt just as much and more, being an adult/child, but thats another story all together) so I did not have to deal with my parents divorce, as a YOUNG CHILD.. (which I "do" concider teens these days, with now a days trends, young screw up adulescents).

any way.. I had some super tough times, and we still clash here and there, (she is 16 now, and DRIVING!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> so she is much more independent, and she also has a job, and is doing a heck of alot better as a grwoing teen/adult, but BOYS were always ALWAYS an issue, (being she missed her dad on a daily basis, she looked for male affection through all her friends.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> which were always more boys then girls)

I would suggest counceling asap.. and if at first she rebels, just say, too bad, "WE" need to do this together, and the counceler will be "OUR" mediater. and we will search until we find one we are both comfy with..! VERY IMPORTANT for her to like who it is so it is not a struggle each time you go..

I wish you all the luck in the world.. and remember and I promise you that this is the absolutel truth.. "TIME" is the only things that helps the healing, AS WELL AS COUNCELING put both together, and you "WILL" all come to much more peace with the situatiuon..

take care...AV

LordsLady,

Wow! I couldn't imagine hearing something like that. My oldest is still a bit younger but getting close.

Sounds like she is going through as tough a time as you. I agree with NumbHeart. U2 need to be able to communicate.

I'm sure that she is petrified to tell you. If X and OW already know, I'm sure they don't know how to tell you either.

One thing that you need to remember is that OW is not her parent. She is more like a friend if anything, so it may be easier for DD to face this with her right now. Also, maybe OW has been in her shoes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I have teenage nieces that I am very close to and I know that they would go to my STBXW or their fathers new W before they went to their own mother. This way they could build up their support and confidence before having to upset their mother.

Wishing for the best for you and DD

WIWH

LL,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Doesn't it seem to go that way sometimes? Every time you think "well, it can't get any worse than this," it does.

Have you talked to her yet? Granted, I know you overheard her, and aren't "supposed" to know, but I think this might be one of those times when you can and should approach her about it anyway. Just go to her, tell her what you heard, and tell her that you want to be there for her, that she shouldn't be going through this alone. This is a case where she may not come to you, may be afraid to. I think it might be a relief to her to find out you know, she doesn't have to tell you, and that even if you are sad about the situation, you still love her and want to help.

And you can still pray that maybe it's just a mistake. But either way, she needs her mom to help her get through this. And you can. You are stronger than you realize....

Meanwhile, I'll be praying for you and for her!

Oh, and I wanted to add - like some of the others on here said, I think if there's any way for you to get both of you into some counseling, you should. If you do belong to a church, talk to someone there. Someone on the church staff should be able to help you find some help, I would think.

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>

Am still reeling from everything so will write more later.

Message from OW: "You are not going to be a grandma."

I called back. PG test was negative, though since my daugher isn't technically "late" yet, they want her to come back in a week if she still hasn't gotten her period, and they'll redo the test.

Actually, we're still waiting in a week, I will take her to her pediatrician and have them run a blood test. They are very accurate.

She is going to Paris. I am not happy. School is not happy. OW and STBX are happy.

So I wait, and hope, and pray on everything else, and feel that God is far, far away today because of the bad language I used and the hateful thoughts I had (have?) toward STBXH and OW.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> So I wait, and hope, and pray on everything else, and feel that God is far, far away today because of the bad language I used and the hateful thoughts I had (have?) toward STBXH and OW.

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey Double L,

I know it feels that way now, but if God left us every time we messed up, He would never be near any of us, ever. So do your best to keep your chin up & just know that God will bring some good out of this mess.

LL, I'm glad it's negative. Let's hope it stays negative. I think the blood test is an excellent idea. From it, they get some more information based on levels.

Either way, your DD is going to need you. And, I'm sad to say, she'll probably also want OW. OW is not Mother. She can be more older friend. Entirely different. Don't worry too much about it. DD won't be corrupted by OW. I wasn't! Of couse, I wasn't pregnant, but I was running away from college and more.

Sorry for rambling.

((((((((((((LL)))))))))))))


I don't know what to say. When I was 18, I thought I might be pg from my abusive BF at the time. It was prom night, he left me, and I went home crying to my mother. God bless her, because she must have been reeling mad, scared, and shocked.

I learned how strong my mother could be that night. I have never respected her more than I did that night. She did not yell, she did not even lecture me. She said "we will go get a pg test, and if it's positive, then we will decide what to do." Luckily it was negative. She said to me "I think you know what you did was wrong, and I'm not going to punish you. I think you have punished yourself enough."

Wow. Talk about trust. I had screwed up, and she still took another chance on me. She put all her trust back into me. I can tell you I never let her down in that way again.

I can only imagine (from remembering my mother's look on her face) how hard this must be for you. And to this day, I still hold my mother in the highest regard for maintaining her composure, grace, and taking a risk to trust me again.

I hope that you are able to find strength, and that your D is able to find herself. I am truly sorry for the situation with H and OW - but I also know that you seem to be a lovely person, and deserve so much better. For all the pain you are going through now, I hope you are repaid X20 with happiness. I think your day will come. I will pray for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

My daughter is home tonight. She finally let OW bring her late this evening. She won't talk to me. She's in her bed--still refuses to eat--just wants to go to sleep.

I told her I was glad she was home. That's all I said.

I love her. I am afraid she's bonded very much with OW (because OW had a child at 16). I know on one hand she needs a friend, and while I don't particularly like OW for many reasons, I suppose she is maybe a little more mature than my daughter's other friends.

OW and I had a long talk tonight when she dropped DD off. We didn't argue. I remained very composed, but also told her how hard it is to send my daughter off to Paris with them, and how much I want to have her live with me and not with them.

She swears that my STBXH said that even if she decides to live with them, that he would continue to pay child support to me so that I could keep the house. But see, sometimes these REALLY NICE things come out, and then all Hades breaks loose a day later. I believe nothing.

But we did talk about Paris. I am being agreeable. I will send her with some money, a phone card that works internationally, and probably a camera. They are responsible for all else. I told OW that I want a call daily from my daughter. I don't care if it's 3am my time, I'll still take the call. She said she understood, since she will also be calling back her to check on her own 2 daughters. Time will tell. For now, I'll try and believe.

I think OW wants this DV to be over and I'm trying to make it as simple and easy and quick as I can for STBXH to sign the final decree (with me still listed as having physical custody of DD). Again, time will tell.

Finally, we may not be out of the woods yet on the PG scare. I guess the woman at the clinic told my daughter she could breathe a sigh of relief FOR NOW, but that if she doesn't start in a week, she needs to come back for a second test because they couldn't guarantee this one 100% to be accurate.

DD is still very queasy and not wanting to eat tonight, but we're hoping it's just stress.

However, OW said she read or heard somewhere that a First Response brand test can detect pregnancy 5 days before a period is due. THAT'S the test she used at home that was positive.

So we have a week. If at this time next week, nothing has started, I'll have to take her in and have her tested. If it has, as much as I hate it, we're going to be getting her on birth control.

Pray lots for me. I need strength regardless of the outcome (and I'm feeling mighty weak and a little queasy myself), but obviously I'm hoping this is a false alarm. My daughter is a very messed-up girl right now who is struggling to succeed in an alternative school. The very last thing she needs at this moment is a child.

LL

Sending more hugs, etc. LL, you are a brave and courageous woman. You are also generous.

Hi Lordslady.....my daughter is also 15, has ADHD and is giving me many problems. They sound quite alike.

Sunday morning past, my D informs me that i need to take her to the clinic, to get the Morning after pill.

Here's the clincher though, she doesnt know if she had sex or not, cause she had too much to drink.

Off we go to the clinic to be on the safe side.

D was difficult before WH left, but now with him gone it has escalated.

You got plates thrown on the floor, I get her putting her fist though walls.

I am at a loss, sometimes i just dont know what to do anymore.

She sees a councelor at school, dont know if its helping cause its confidenial between her and the councelor (yeah, makes alot of sense, doesnt it)

Everyear I put a peice of paper on the fridge with there names on it, so they can give me their Xmas wishes.

Under daughters name, she put, Dad to come home.

And our OW, huh, dont get me started.

Nicey, Nicey, buying her things, going out to lunch, she even asked her for a hug. URRRRGGGGGGG.

I am considering putting my D on the pill, but am afraid in her current state, she will take advantage of it. The male figure in their life , has left, so they need to find comfort from other males, how sad, that my cheating H is unconsiously sending her down a path of distruction.


My WH is not coming back, i am trying to accept that. I am trying to move forward, I now am starting to feel so much pain for my teens, that this has happened to them.

I am so sorry this has happened to them, how devasting for them. Every child wants mom and dad together forever. My poor kids.

Ok, i just starting to ramble as usual.

Your , not alone, Im in this situation too.

Take Care
Lordslady

A/C

LL and A/C

I am telling you both, COUNCELING is the answer.. not from school.. but from some one with MORE education to handle this age group..

my daughter became physically active at 14.. she went to her dad, who never told me he took her to get the pill.. well in a way, it was best, but I was furious, not only that he took that aways from me with my own daughter, (feeling this was a mother/daughter thing, which I so wanted to share with her, being my mom and I never had this closeness, which I will forever hate him from taking away from me, or at least informing me of) but he aloud her to do this, with out the lecture of thinking about it, or the long term medical problems this can cause, starting at such an early age.. (cancer for one)

(now I am rambling) what I am getting at, is the counceler I had, (which as I said, took 3 to go through before my daughter liked her too) HELPED SOOOOOOOOO MUCH I can not begin to tel you.. that would take a book.. but she would have my daughter in the room alone first, and yes there was the code of secrecy there between them, BUT she then took me into the room for the last 10 minutes, and we went over things that bother my kid, and she became the mediater.. WELL IT WORKED!!!!!!! so very well I sooooo recommend this, for both of you..

and LL.. I have no business TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO, we are all adults and have to make our own decissions and then live with them.. BUT I would suggest not to allow her to go with her dad to paris, but thats me, being a costodial parent, and a girl belongs with her mother.. (to me) not her dad.. (if the mother is given custody) and the court should have been told about this.. there is usually a clause that people can NOT TAKE thier kids out of state with out written permission.. AND if she must go I would enforce her DAD to take her to a counceler.. and have it all written up and leagal, and have him reinforce this with proof that he is taking her with receits.. this kid needs some one on the out side, working for her, and helping her, and you and your ex, are parents to which it is NORMAL for teens to rebel.. but these therapists are PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED for these situations, and I SWEAR TO YOU, she will come around to a much more mature way of thinking IN NOT TIME FLAT if you do this.. she is sad, depressed, in denial of so many things, and looking for attention in all the wrong places, and using her body (as so did my kid) to fill a void of affection to feed her ego, and lifts her spirits.. this is sometimes like an addiction, and becomes wourse BEFORE IT GETS BETTER, and not dealing with it, is only going to forlong it.. and drive you and your ex to perhaps remain enemies, and THAT will keep reinforceing her confused deep inner emotional termoil..

I am sorry if I have offended you in ANY WAY from anything I said.. this is just the bare reality of these kids, these days with parents that are not being such a good roll model.. (meaning your ex) and needs some one who is confident and strong to show life

LL and A/C

I am telling you both, COUNCELING is the answer.. not from school.. but from some one with MORE education to handle this age group..

my daughter became physically active at 14.. she went to her dad, who never told me he took her to get the pill.. well in a way, it was best, but I was furious, not only that he took that aways from me with my own daughter, (feeling this was a mother/daughter thing, which I so wanted to share with her, being my mom and I never had this closeness, which I will forever hate him from taking away from me, or at least informing me of) but he aloud her to do this, with out the lecture of thinking about it, or the long term medical problems this can cause, starting at such an early age.. (cancer for one)

(now I am rambling) what I am getting at, is the counceler I had, (which as I said, took 3 to go through before my daughter liked her too) HELPED SOOOOOOOOO MUCH I can not begin to tel you.. that would take a book.. but she would have my daughter in the room alone first, and yes there was the code of secrecy there between them, BUT she then took me into the room for the last 10 minutes, and we went over things that bother my kid, and she became the mediater.. WELL IT WORKED!!!!!!! so very well I sooooo recommend this, for both of you..

and LL.. I have no business TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO, we are all adults and have to make our own decissions and then live with them.. BUT I would suggest not to allow her to go with her dad to paris, but thats me, being a costodial parent, and a girl belongs with her mother.. (to me) not her dad.. (if the mother is given custody) and the court should have been told about this.. there is usually a clause that people can NOT TAKE thier kids out of state with out written permission.. AND if she must go I would enforce her DAD to take her to a counceler.. and have it all written up and leagal, and have him reinforce this with proof that he is taking her with receits.. this kid needs some one on the out side, working for her, and helping her, and you and your ex, are parents to which it is NORMAL for teens to rebel.. but these therapists are PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED for these situations, and I SWEAR TO YOU, she will come around to a much more mature way of thinking IN NOT TIME FLAT if you do this.. she is sad, depressed, in denial of so many things, and looking for attention in all the wrong places, and using her body (as so did my kid) to fill a void of affection to feed her ego, and lifts her spirits.. this is sometimes like an addiction, and becomes wourse BEFORE IT GETS BETTER, and not dealing with it, is only going to forlong it.. and drive you and your ex to perhaps remain enemies, and THAT will keep reinforceing her confused deep inner emotional termoil..

I am sorry if I have offended you in ANY WAY from anything I said.. this is just the bare reality of these kids, these days with parents that are not being such a good roll model.. (meaning your ex) and needs some one who is confident and strong to show life CAN BE WONDERFUL, but sometimes just needs help..

please think about what I said, and talk to your ex and OW if you have to.. to get this kid some professional help.. you will not regret this..

(I am not sure but I may have double posted.. SORRY!!!!)

good luck and stay strong.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
AV

I just want to let you know that I had a negative pregnancy test at the doctor's office -- and, yes, I was. Child #4. Good idea to go in again, especially if her period wasn't due yet.

Cherished

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cherished:
<strong> I just want to let you know that I had a negative pregnancy test at the doctor's office -- and, yes, I was. Child #4. Good idea to go in again, especially if her period wasn't due yet.

Cherished </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is good advice. Please take it.

I am trying to not worry about the pregnancy thing (though it's hard not to). My daughter, through word I got from OW, at least decided to eat and drink today. She has been on basically a starvation diet for several days. She was actually hungry today. That's good. But when she eats, it doesn't set well. That's bad.

But then again, when this whole affair thing came to light last fall, I couldn't eat for a month. Nothing went down. Nothing had flavor. I had no appetite. I survived on Ensure.

I will be very nervous by Monday night if she hasn't started. And we will go back in--and I will request a blood test if they'll let me.

------------------------------------------------
I'm having a lonely, rather miserable night. I'm here at the house--just me and the doggies. It's cold. It's rained all day. My daugher, after desiring to be dropped off at STBXH/OW's place after school today has decided she's spending the night with them again. And she's not sure if she's coming home tomorrow, or the day after, or ever right now. (I let her go there after school today--I understand her desire to be around people and not sitting alone at the house while I'm at work.)

I miss her. I'm thinking how hard it will be when she's gone for 8 days in Paris at the end of the month. But worse than that would be if she does decide to live with them.

My worst fears of this whole thing would be realized. In one year, go from a 4-person family to a 1-person family, and risk losing my house and the puppies if the child support thing gets flipped the other way.

I'm praying that God will help her see that she should be here with her mother. But sometimes I wonder if God allows my worst fears to come true, just because I do worry about them instead of doing a better job trusting Him??

And I'm worried about this one because if she IS pregnant, then who is she going to feel more comfortable around.....her mother?? or her "friend" (OW) who went through the same thing when she was 16?? Who is she going to identify with. And who is home all day because she doesn't work, so can cook for my daughter, take her fun places, and just pretty much be there on call whenever she's needed?

I, on the other hand, have no choice but to work unless I want to just let the bank have the house and then go live on the streets. That idea doesn't appeal to me.

LL

On perhaps a slight positive note...

I did send the draft of the final decree to STBXH and OW to review today. Figured they just as well give their input now, rather than to send them what I believe is final and then waste the time having to make more changes.

Well, I got an email from her tonight. "Looks good as it stands. Have the attorney type up the final and STBXH will sign it."

While this is rather scary because it means the DV could be final as soon as early next week, it also means that they have agreed to my 55/45% split of my 401K instead of the 50/50 they originally wanted.

It also is written that STBXH and I have joint legal custody but that I have primary physical custody of our daughter. So if they sign it, even if she decides to live with them, if they want to get the child support thing changed, they'd have to take me back to court. It'd not be a big hurdle, but even little ones are good.

And if he has to continue to pay me child support (or at least not receive child support FROM me), hopefully that will be a motivating factor in them guiding my daughter to ultimately come back to me where I think she belongs.

Time will tell.

LL

LL, remember back when you were pregnant? And remember after you gave birth? Who was the person you really wanted? Besides your husband. If you were like me, it was your mommy. (Actually, I wanted my mommy more than my H.)

If your daughter is pregnant, she's going to need you a lot and want you a lot more than OW. Because she's a teen, she will probably rebel against this desire for your support and comfort, but she'll need you.

OW is a refuge from how much DD let you down, how much she let herself down. OW has no emotionally charged expectations of DD. This can make it easier for DD to be around her.

If DD is eating now, maybe invite her out to lunch. Tell her in advance it will be an escape lunch. No talking about Paris, living arrangements or possible baby. Mom promises for one hour to try and stop being Mom.

Maybe have little dates like that for your DD. After all, you wouldn't constantly talk about the "BIG ISSUES" with your spouse. We probably shouldn't do it with our kids either.

I'm rambling. My oldest is still 8. I'm just basing this on what my mother did right.

Dear LL,

I feel so bad for you. Kids steal your heart when they are born and break them when they grow up. (or become teens anyway) <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I hope and pray that she is not pregnant. I have 2 DD's and my oldest gave me a hell of a scare when she was 18 and still at home. Thank God she wasn't. Got her on the pill right away. Put my younger DD (turned 17 yesterday) on pill year ago.

Then at 21 my DD did get pregnant, and it was planned. I found letters from her worthless bf telling her what a great thing it would be to have a baby blah blah. It was his idea. His way of hanging on to her when we were doing everything we could to get her away from him. He is abusive and has almost killed her.

But you know, that little girl is the best thing that ever happened to my DD and myself. She is the most special and beautiful little girl. My DD never did another drug or excessive drinking. No more parties for her at all. Healthy normal pregnancy and birth. I got to be there.

My DD is 23 now and we shipped her clear to the west coast to keep her away from abusive bf. I miss them terribly. Bad thing is that he is still the father of my granddaughter and I can't change that.

The bum does not pay support and my DD still brings the baby to him for visitation though there are no legal papers nor custody arrangements.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Sorry so long...just wanted you to know I feel for you and am thinking of you.
Danneill