I'm sorry to be introducing myself this way,by a long msg but I hope someone out there can help me make the right decision. Maybe tell me if I have a right to feel this way or if I am being totally out of line.
Here it goes!
I have been married to my husband for less than 10 years. We have lived close to his parents since we got married. After out daughter was 2yrs old, he pretty much guilted me into moving into his parent's home, "to save money." He has a very close relationship with his family, which I respect. I agreed to live with his parents for 1 year at least, to see how things go. I really didn't want to move there. I did it to please him. 3 years later we were still living at his parents and not a dime saved! I love his parents, they are great people, but we had no privacy whatsoever. I wanted our own space. I became depressed. During that time my father became ill and died. He left me a substantial amount of money after he passed. I used this money to pay off my husband's delinquent credit (I had no outstanding credit debt. His debt came out to be at least $3,000!), and put away enough money for a down payment on a house. I wanted out of there!
We bought a house in a nice safe neighborhood for my daughter to grow up. The schools are excellent, neighbors wonderful, it is a dream come true. My husband was very reluctant in buying the house in the first place, but agreed. It is an hour away from our families, in the suburbs of a large city. Since he still worked in the city, he stayed with his parent's some nights, because "the drive was too far." Or he was helping his father after work with some project or other. There always seemed to be a project his dad had for him.
A year and half later he comes home one night and announces that he is interviewing for a job as a "city worker" near his parents. In order to be a city worker, you have to be a city resident (this does not include the suburbs.). I knew he wasn't really happy with his current job, and asked him what he thought his plans were (our living arrangements)? He right away suggested that we move back in with his parents. I told him absolutely not! We went that route before. I understand he is close with his parents (he hangs on his father's every word.) but I really love my house and love the fact that my daughter is in a safe area and is stable. He shot back, saying that this house is too expensive and we won't be able to afford it soon. I tried to discuss the possibilities of us budgeting better, but he did not want to hear it. He wanted to move back in with his parents. He then informed me that he is taking this job if they offer it. We got into a screaming match about it, I was extremely upset that he already had his mind made up about this. Turns out, he got the job, he accepted, and gave his 3 week notice to his current employer that same day before he even told me he got the job! The first person he told, was his father. He totally supports his son's decision! I told him, that I am not pulling our daughter out in the middle of the school year. Also, he said we would have to give up our pets( 2 dogs)and put our daughter in the city's public school system. I told him no, that we will have to come to some other arrangement. My daughter would be devastated if she had to leave her home, school, give up her pets, to go live in a city that is 'unsafe' in my opinion! He told me that he already gave his notice and he has no other choice but to take this job. "Got to go where the money is."
I do not work, so he backed me into a corner with this whole deal. I begged him to just let me and my daughter stay in the house until she finishes out the school year and we will come to some arrangement then. He finally agreed to it. He has been living apart from us for 6 months now (at his parent's home full time), in fear of coming to the suburbs to live with us, "because he will be terminated if they found out he lived outside the city."
In the mean time, I hate to say it, but since he has been away, It is calm here. I am pretty much enjoying it. I don't really miss him and the arguing! I want what's best for my daughter. She misses her dad, but she is so used to not seeing him because he spent so much time at his parent's house while in residence here, it doesn't bother her as much as I thought it would. In fact she is more calm and throwing less tantrums and crying.
We have until June to decide what to do. I really don't think I can go back to living with him again. He calls daily and tells us he misses us, but makes no effort to find a different job to be with us. I don't hate him, but I resent him a lot for this position he has put us in. He is only concerned with his status with his father. My daughter and I come second to his family. I don't think its fair and I have discussed it with him numerous times. He talks in circles and just keeps saying that we can move to his parent's house. I can't live there! I worked too hard on his credit and finding this house to give it all up because he is a 'daddy's boy. ' We could have worked out our financial problems, but he did not want to do it. He is only interested in making big money, and impressing his father with his employment status. I don't think he will ever change, or ever put us 1st.
My mother is in the process of fixing up her home and selling it. She wants to help. She is willing to move out here, so my daughter can stay in her school and she is willing to put me through school so I can have a career.
We are not exactly a young couple. We are in our middle 30s! Its not like we are just starting out and ran into trouble. We have been together at least 15 years. He can not make a move without consulting his father first!
Divorce has been running through my mind, even though I don't hate him. I just have a lot of resentment. I would suggest marriage counseling, but I really don't think he will go for it. We have been back and forth about this for 6 months! Its driving me crazy not knowing where we will be 1 year from now. My mom's offer sounds really good to me right now. But how do I go about asking him for a divorce? We are not angry with each other right now. Every night he calls and says "I miss you and love you." How do I not make this bitter, and save my daughter from all of this pain?
I'm at a crossroads and don't know where to go. I don't think I love him. I have so much resentment! I don't want to make a bad decision and hurt my daughter.
Please help.

it sounds to me like you made up your mind already. You just want someone to sayit is ok.

Try counseling by yourself. It can't hurt and it might help you. I wish my x had gone. he needed it. (not saying you do) But I have been going to help me get over the neg things he has said about me and it has been so helpful.

You don't have to do anything they say but you chose your path. (anything else is bogus) Like they wanted me on anti depressants but I felt I needed to be real. So after a month I went off them and my dr and counsolor did not agree but it was ok. And my feelings are real. Not muted by something that may help someone else. this is just an example of how you shouldn't be forced by a counsolor into something you don't agree with.

My counsolor is great. So is my dr.

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: Stone Cold ]</small>

I understand what it is like to still love the person you are contiplating on leaving.
It sounds as though you are doing well as is your daughter. Moving in with him and his family again and THEN deciding to leave would prove to be much more stressful on you.
You are in your mid 30's, you deserve your privacy. In fact I believe you need it.
Do what is right for you. Don't live your life for anyone else besides you and your daughter.
I wish you the best of luck.

it does sound as though your mind is made up,?

YOu mentioned you want whats best for your daughter,, in my opinion, whast best for your daughter, is for her mom and dad to fix things, and remain married.

Less tantrums?? Is it possible, maybe it's an age thing? Meaning, maybe she is begining to outgroww this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe tell me if I have a right to feel this way or if I am being totally out of line.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you have the right to feel any way you want.

Feelings come and go, as they change about as much as the wind changes direction.

stephan

VS,

I think you really need to sit down with your husband and do some serious brainstorming. The goal is to arrive at a solution that will be satisfactory to BOTH of you -- a "POJA" in MB terms. Assuming you both want to stay married, you both have a stake in the decision about where you live, where your daughter goes to school, how many pets you have, how you spend or save your money etc. These are all pretty big life decisions that CANNOT be made by one of you alone. If these decisions are made by one person alone with no input from the other, then your marriage WILL fail. You both need to understand and accept this.

Everything is up for grabs... including you going back to work to help with the bills. Since he is concerened about finances, maybe this would be a good bargaining point for you?

You have to do this brainstorming in a non-confrontational way. He will likely see it as a way for you to try to get him to quit his job in the city and mmove back in with you. Make it clear to him that is not what you are doing. You miss him, you want to live together as a family, and you want to make some important family decisions that will work great for both of you AS A FAMILY.

Hang in there,

ManInLove

Hi
Thank you all for your opinions on this matter. I appreciate it.
I talked to him the other day and suggested marriage counseling. He was hesitate and said that he didn't think there was a problem.
What!?
Well he agreed, finally. I will call and make an appointment this week.
Thanks again for the support. I will let you know what happens.

Can you go to school while you are waiting till June? Get yourself a degree of some sort and maybe a job? That way you can contribute to the income and if the worse happens you will have an income for you and your daughter.

I too am married to a man who wasn't allowed to "leave" home. I am in the process of divorcing. All throughout our marriage, he spent hours on the phone in his office with his mother and father every single night. Their opinion consumed his every thought. Any decision he made, they made for him. I may have learned about it later, maybe not. It wouldn't have been bad if these were decent people but they weren't. They were scared little people who hated first in case someone just might hate them. And people did-in droves. They modeled for him that lying was right if it served a purpose. Their lies hid their insecurities. His lies hid the insecurities they imbedded into him so that he wouldn't leave them. They hated me before they ever met me...long before.

There was nothing I could do to prevent anything they did. His mother even taught him that sex was sin. I recently learned that the reason we rarely had sex during our marriage was because he had sex with prostitutes. He learned well-it has to be sin. He couldn't disappoint his mother by being close to me-she wouldn't allow it.

Now that you have our similar history, let me tell you what happened when they died. He lost it. When she died, he immediately started an affair with a woman who could be his mother's double. His father became ill and went to a nursing home. He rarely visited his father and went to Vegas instead of his funeral-yes you read that right. The nursing home called him at work to tell him that his father was going to die more than likely on that day-he just came home. His father died alone. I've yet to figure that one out!

His behavior became worse and worse. He's unable to make any decision and is so secretive. His life is in such turmoil and I'm thankful that I'm out of it. He's unable to be truthful and still lives in a world that he creates. It has taken his attorney telling him over and over to leave me alone for him to get it. It's not how he wants it to be.

What your husband's parents have done to him is beyond cruel and it looks as if there's nothing you can do about it. When they're gone how is he going to function? Not very well I would guess. You'll be as I was, left with a husband who has the maturity of a six year old...and who wants that!

Please think long and hard about your decision. He has to choose-his parents or his wife. God tells us in His Word that we're to leave our parents and cleave to our spouses. Some people can't allow it and others can't do it. It's very sad as it's a waste of life.