Hi all. I'm usually over on EN, though I lurk here occasionally.

I'm considering moving into a trial separation with my H. i don't know a lot about how that would work so I'd love any ideas, suggestions, "this is what I did and how it went"s...

The mini story is H is/has been neglectful, unkind, and sometimes downright abusive. He isn't a batterer, but he has physically hurt me. I hoped for change, have been working towards it in myself with the hope that he would follow along, for almost a year now. Found MB last feb and started using mb principles (mostly boundaries and EN awareness, POJA) without much progress. I think it is now time to move to a Plan B sort of deal (though without the affair) to see if H can pull it together. I would like to maybe do a legal separation so that we are financially independent, but I'm not sure what that looks like, how that process works, pros or cons, or any of that. and also - what does it look like to move from legal separation to either reconciliation or divorce?

Thanks in advance!

lfc

I suggest you consult a lawyer. The laws are different everywhere.

Where I live, legal separation takes care of all the important legal stuff such as custody, property division, child support etc... The divorce agreement basically just frees you up to remarry.

In my opinion once you go through the legal separation process you are less likely to reconcile. But if there are things you need to protect (such as children, or assets) you definitely should consult a lawyer and see what your rights and risks are.

I'm no lawyer (just someone who is currently going through a legal separation) but I hope that helps...

**edited to say** By less likely to reconcile I mean emotionally not legally. I'm not sure about legally but I don't think that is a problem.

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

HI Miker! Thanks... this is exactly the sort of info I need. I do want to do a legal becuase I am concerned about making a division under the label "divorce" will make him much more likely to be his not nice self. But under the label "legal separation" I think things owuld be much easier.

I am also hoping to do this w/out lawyers (maybe that's a pipe dream) so any books or advise/resources etc. would be great.

that's interesting about the emotional... I'll ahve to think about that...

lfc

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miker:
<strong> I suggest you consult a lawyer. The laws are different everywhere.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I second this. In Texas where I live there is no such thing as legal separation. You are married, in the process of divorce, or divorced.

Miker said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In my opinion once you go through the legal separation process you are less likely to reconcile.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">During my consultation with my attorney re legal separation, he stated that most people who legally separate do not reconcile. He knew of only two who had. In his opinion, it was a waste of my money to legally separate since most return later for a D, so why spend the money.

But, I could not D my (then) H. I loved him. I had hope he could change (he was a usually unemployed, self employed, alcoholic with 'spending' problems who became abusive---always verbally, sometimes physically when drinking).
So I did the only thing I could do to protect myself financially and mentally/physically.
I got a legal separation.
And I hoped and prayed.

You asked:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> - what does it look like to move from legal separation to either reconciliation or divorce
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think reconciliation would be so much of a problem for two people who love each other, but for whatever reason, need the separation. If both are working together, while apart, to get the marriage back on track. (*we* were not working on the marriage...I was...he was not)
Actually, though I did not know about MB back then, my legal separation what kind of a Plan B.
By the time I got the actual D, it was a breeze....ten years had flown by.

Good luck to you, LFC!

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: Olyvia ]</small>