Lots of anger right now. Not a Christian attitude, so for starters, I'm very angry and frustrated with why I can't just be what God wants me to be instead of letting it get so bad that I just sailed my poor cordless phone at the wall again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My mood took a dive yesterday. Not really sure why. Just feeling exhausted mentally and angry because no one seems to care about respecting me or my feelings.

So it gets better:

1) OW tells me she and ex can no longer pick up DD at school at noon on M/W/F...starting TODAY because she got a job. (Thanks for the notice...) So I now add a 30-mile, 1 1/2 hour round trip to each of my days, along with $$ more in fuel, and I give up ALL my lunch hours during the week instead of just the Tues/Thurs ones.

Fridays are even more fun because DD only goes to school from 10-noon, so I drop her at 10am, get to work at 10:30 if lucky, leave again at 11:30, pick her up, drop her at home, and get back to work by around 1pm. I've basically blown off an entire morning. I don't have that kind of vacation or flexibility. But they don't care. Not their problem. What to do? Call in a cab from downtown at $30+ a pop to pick her up?

2) Ex and OW aren't planning on giving DD a Christmas gift this year because she blew them off on the Paris trip. (Perhaps they shouldn't have given her 15 minutes to make the decision of whether or not to by the ticket, and done so while she thought she was PG.)

3) I would like at least one weekend per month (divorce decree specifies two) for ex to have his daughter so that I'm not "on-call" and so that I can perhaps clean my house and do some stuff without her tearing it up again. I need sanity. But he's still PO'd at her for sticking them with a plane ticket for the Paris trip she skipped out on, and besides, he says "She won't stay here because she doesn't want to follow the rules."

So that means he isn't going to even come get her and try. The don't want to deal with her and rules. They'll just let me do that.

4) Daughter is on a rampage again--disobeying curfews, refusing to obey anything I ask her to do at home, rifling through my closet and taking whatever she feels like wearing while I'm at work, being very verbally disrespectful when I call her on what was MY cell phone up until a couple weeks ago, and then hanging up on me repeatedly.

Tonight's latest: She told me she'll be home by 3am, she won't tell me where she is (though I have first names of a couple people she's supposedly with), and now she's shut the phone off so I can't call her.

That's when I sailed my cordless against the wall in my bedroom. That's when the sickness set in because I realize I"m still the same loser with the uncontrollable temper I always was.

Instead of just being calm and thinking of solutions and asking God's help, I'm getting really, really, REALLY angry.

I'm angry at EX--for abandoning his family, for not being a father when he was around and teaching respect, for now not being willing to step up to the plate and help out with a very defiant and strong-willed girl.

I'm angry at OW--because she's a ho, because she's cold and manipulative and mean and I'm having problems finding one ounce of good in her.

I'm angry at DD--because I love her so much and have given and given and given of myself to try and get her to come around, and she just basically tells me to F-off.

I'm angry at myself--because I'm so angry and I can't get past it.

And I wonder why my XH left me???!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I was looking at a Christian singles website tonight..and then it hits me, I want the kind of person who would never have me.

LL

Furthermore (as my blood pressure probably hovers around 200/100 right now!)....

I'm angry at XH because I gave and gave and gave to try and keep him happy during our marriage (no, I wasn't perfect!) and he left me for someone else.

And he says he left because I made him leave. It's TRUE. And then even though I know I asked him to move out because he refused to quit seeing OW and I said if he couldn't then maybe it'd be better if he did have a place of his own, I let him twist it in my mind until I believe that the DV would never have had to happen (and that perhaps he wouldn't have even moved her in) had I not told him to leave. Logic says that's stupid because he was seeing her the whole time and never once got any closer to giving her up than to say, "Lay off LL, I'm working on it..." But I'm not logical sometimes.

As for my daughter, she did come home and give me the insincere "sorry I'm late". I was bawling. She said to quit, that it isn't working (which I guess is sort of like when I was crying because I was hurting from the affair and XH would say "suck it up!".)

She was, of course, wearing one of my trendy summer work shirts...and one of my bras. Wouldn't be a big deal but being the world's flattest female, it's hard for me to find things I like that fit, and I pay good money for what I buy. Let's just say she doesn't wear my size bra and they don't always come back in the same shape they were in when she took them. And she stains my shirts, runs my hose, and just basically trashes things. (and then I'm angry at myself for saying all this because in a few years she'll probably have moved out and I'll miss her).

Came home tonight to find my bathroom (which is already filthy because both she and her brother when he's back from college feel they must use it instead of theirs, but neither does anything to clean it) covered in handfulls of her hair.

She frequently decides she needs a new hairstyle and just takes scissors or a razor to her hair. But she stands at my sink and styles, fluffs, and apparently just walks out. There was hair everywhere...stuck to the sink, the faucets, on my toothbrush, all over the floor, on the towels that are on the floor...you name it. UGHH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I need the weekend to clean all the bathrooms and dust and scrub and vacuum and catch up on laundry, because when I get home at 7:30pm from work and have to clean up the havoc she wreaks in the kitchen and fix myself something to eat, I'm normally not in the cleaning mood.

And then there are those lofty thoughts like wanting to get Christmas cards out, making a holiday bracelet I've had $40 in beads to make forever, copying some VHS tapes to DVD for family christmas gifts...you know, fun things that I don't have time to do.

Forget having time to go to Al-Anon. Sure, I should go, but I already feel like I"m stretched to the limit, and I'd only be able to hit a Saturday or Sunday meeting. I work too late all other nights..and noon is out because of kid-pickups.

Forget therapy. Don't have the $$ unless I stop having my nails done and they're about the only luxury I have left that I do for myself.

Forget going by myself or with kids on any weekend jaunt. Even if I had the time, I don't have the spending money to do that, and I already owe far more on a credit card than I ever intended to put there.

And then if I get past all this, did I mention that if I ever meet someone (how...not sure...I don't get out...perhaps a pizza man will come to my door by accident and we'll fall in love??), and that someone is somehow willing to give my temperamental self and my defiant daughter and my somewhat selfish son a try, that then I have to say, "Oh by the way....I once had an affair myself. I'm I wayward spouse, too." (And he will run screaming into the night, never to be seen again.)

One of my pastors said a few weeks ago that we all have a cross to bear, and it's his opinion that our cross is usually the one thing we're most afraid of and most want to give up.

Uh...that means my cross is being alone for the rest of my life. And I think that is even making me angry.

Being single isn't killing me. I don't long for someone 24/7. There are good things about it. Fewer eggshells to walk on. No husband fighting with me, degrading me, using the "f" word every 10 seconds, looking at porn, pointing out big boobs to me, drinking and driving, dabbling in recreational meth, cursing at me because his dinner isn't fixed or the kids aren't respecting him or whatever. And I realize while I AM lonely, I don't feel "trapped" like I often did in the marriage when he was drinking heavily and scaring the daylights out of me by being out late and driving drunk and I knew I couldn't leave even if I wanted to because he wasn't being unfaithful. I was married, but was very alone then, too.

But I think I'm really starting to miss the physical touch, even though it was very limited in my marriage. However infrequent they may have been, I miss the hugs, and the kisses, and the SF too. Little kids are all huggy, but teenagers like I have aren't much that way--especailly the defiant ones. So the only physical contact I get most of the time is from the dogs snuggling up against me at night. It's better than nothing, but it's hard to accept that it may never be ay more than that for the rest of my life.

Cart is WAY ahead of the horse, I know. I'm on a roll.

Typing has at least helped me to calm down a little.

Any of you who pray who might read this...if you feel up to it, might throw in a little prayer on my behalf, that I can work though the anger. Apparently I keep it deeply buried most of the time, but when it's triggered, it's ugly. I want rid of it.

LL

Perhaps there is something in the air - I'm having the same kind of night. I will pray for you - I am deeply sorry, but have no great words of wisdom for you. Somehow there is always a way to break things down and recover - but it is often elusive. Since I can't find my own elusive solutions, I don't have any to offer you other than hugs and kind thoughts.

Please take care!

LL,

Forgive me if you feel I am out of line, but I have only one question for you.. Did you ever think of going for some meds, to take the edge off, and perhaps help you cope??

I know for a yr after my ex left, I fought that question, tooth and nail.. I tried so hard to stay calm, amd rationalize on my own, but the Divorce really got the best of me.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

AND... I too have a teen girl, to which we clashed trimendously in the beginning, (past tence) for a long time after the ex left.. he was a responcible dad, financially, and for his D, (to an ext estent) emotionally.. (from his perspective, mind you) but I was a basket case, and my D was young, (10) when he left, and I did NOT have the knowledge it took, that comes with time and HELP from a counceler, and meds, IF EVEN TEMPORARILLY)to help my situation.. I was too HURT.. to a point of no return, UNTIL THE MEDS..!

I finally took them the second yr after our sep. while going through our divorce proceedings, (knowing my marriage was over) and I had to face that reality..

My reality was that it was now MY LIFE, and no one elses, there for all dicissions were/are MINE AND MINE ALONE, as well.. and IF the ex had anything to say, he could go talk to his lawyer..!

take time to think things through, and take control of your life,your house, and all who live in it, again.. (but think about the meds, will you?)

I took drastic measures, and got a lock for my bed room, so my daughter could not borrow things with out my permission, AND I also had important documents that where for my eyes only.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So the lock was also, in case the ex decided to mosy around.

I also layed rules and regulations down, and if my D did not like them or listen, things of importance to her were taken away from her.. like her cell, (which was most important to her) and her PC, and if it got really bad, I took her door off her bedroom, so she had NO PRIVACY, until she acted responcible again.. these things are called tough love.. it is hard to have to go through, but needed, to show each and ever person involved, you mean business, and no one is going to walk all over you, ever again.

as for the pick up at school, is there a bus company in your district that perhaps you can get to pick her up, investigate it.. I have heard there are some districts that realize people delmas, and can be worked out. If it cost you, then just TELL YOUR EX, since HE and OW can not keep this routeen up, he will have to fork it over, instead, and charge him half of this fee, (back it up withh, a letter as well from lawyer, so he knows you mean business!) being he can not comply with the written agreements.. AND tell your lawyer, your ex IS ALREADY not complying with the agreement, as far as taking daughter week ends!!!!! As far as I know, I beleive it does not cost you to call and ask questions, of what can be done about this.. perhaps a letter sent from your lawyer, TELLING HIM to comply or there will be consequences.. like no visitation at all..!

I did take one last HUGE and nasty step in that reguard long ago, as well.. and had the locks changed on my house, so daughter could not get in or be dropped off, unless I was home.. (I know thats going a bit over board, but they both, (D and ex) got the message!!! immediatly!! and re-thought their dicissions.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

any way.. enough said.. please think about the meds.. it was a true life saver for me, and I only took them for a yr, (It is now 6 yrs later) and after only one yr, I came to a calm, and was so much better, AND able to rationalize on my own.. everything falls into place, with TIME.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

good luck to you...
AV

Hello LL, having some real poopy days aren't ya? Let's put LL first!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Furthermore (as my blood pressure probably hovers around 200/100 right now!).... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PLEASE get your blood pressure checked and monitored. (when you are checking out med's to take the edge off)

Constant, non-stop stress can play havoc with your blood pressure and your overall health if it goes untreated.

I admire Numbhearts parenting style...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I took drastic measures </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Taking the door off of her room is classic!

LL, you have it in you. GET TOUGH with the entire lot of em'! TAKE CHARGE of your life and home. Separate your brain from your heart when dealing with your daughter.

Did I forget to say GET TOUGH?!?!

Take YOUR LIFE back or I may have to come see you (short drive from central Nebraska) and give you some pointers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Your DD wouldn't like this 5'1", buck 10, pain in the behind, giving you support cuz she'd get her walking papers!

I have references if you want them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Call your doc.......today!

Dear LL:

oh dear I can hear you say: IP again. Well, I am trying to help. I just read your post and I felt sad that you are going through this never ending cycle of abuse. I WANT YOU TO FINALLY REALIZE THAT YOU ARE ALLOWING THEM TO TREAT YOU LIKE A DOORMAT.

LL, please go back and read your post. Imagine it is one of your MBfriends writing it. What would YOU tell HER?

Would you tell her to set limits with that defiant daughter? O.k. example: hair all over the bathroom...she picks it up or else...no money, no car service...some kind of consequences...be creative. Sitting there crying is not going to do much to change this kind of tough teenager (REALIZE THAT, pleaase). Haven't we had this problem a while ago with the mess in the kitchen? How about you lift that right foot of yours off the floor and stomp it down hard...good, keep practicing that in front of the mirror and then use it in the next argument with your daughter. It is called "putting your foot down" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I really like you , LL and I want you to change. Please, please change!

Another thing is teaching your daughter to respect other people's personal property. That knowledge comes in handy in life in such common places as the mall, the supermarket or mom's closet. This is mine, that is yours. My three-year-old knows not to touch my things...you just have to stand up for yourself. Please!

I am proud of you that you got rid of your abusive H. Now, how about telling your equally abusive daughter (genetic copy of her dad???) that you have had it with her as well. Give her the example that -YES- you made the decision to kick out her dad...you are definitely able to do the same with her. If she does not listen to your pleading for decent behavior, if she does not want to have a dialogue with you, she needs to leave (it doesn't seem likely anymore that she'll choose to enrich XH's and OW's lives...).

It seems that you have two options, LL (and I may be repeating myself in this...I promise it is the last time you hear it from me)

1. continue what you have been doing. Confuse love with "setting no limits poor parenting style", continue to be miserable and put up with never ending abuse.

or

2. You realize that you are enabling your daughter's bad behavior, you stand up for yourself, start counseling, give your daughter one last chance and kick that abusive child out of the house if she fails to turn around, and then begin to heal. Heal, recover, find yourself again. Come back here to write "I am happy again".

You choose...

((((((LL))))) WOW!!!!!!! Now that you got that all out of your system, what are you going to do about it? I’m presuming that you’ve been to al-anon in the past and do they not teach you to get “Stuck in the Solution” rather than “Stuck in the Problem”? I was talking with a mother of a 19 year old, she told me about going to one of those meetings and doing all of her “venting” and one lady said to her “Ann, put your big girl panties on and deal with it”. I love that saying.

So seriously, what are you going to do about these problems and when are you going to stop allowing X, Xow, and your kids to run your life? And I don’t know, do they have 12-steps in al-anon? If so, when are you going to work them? If not, when are you going to find some and work them?

Carrying around all this anger, these resentments, allowing your self-esteem to be walked on, and all this other crap is going to lead you to ride in a padded wagon. So at some point you’re going to have to make a choice to change your life and then put forth the effort to follow through.

Xh & Xow being themselves, so what? Why would you place any expectations on them? So they ain’t going to get your daughter a Christmas present, so what? That’s their deal and not yours, you don’t have to take any ownership of emotions for that situation.

Daughter, now that’s a big deal. You’ve expressed some concern about basically pissing her off and then she leaves or get’s taken and you loose your CS. Well, I’m here to tell you, she’s on a one-way path to doing way more than that and not only is it costing you your sanity now but tomorrow it could cost a whole lot more than the CS your worrying about. That, coupled with the fact, that the path your allowing her to run on now will lead her to a life of misery, I’m voting for some serious life changes with her. Be proactive, gather what resources are available in your area and utilize all of them. Again, make a plan and follow through. The one thing I can guarantee is that if you change nothing, nothing will change.

I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but I noticed you’re ANGRY. Anger is not a primary emotion, it’s secondary and usually is used to mask another, such as fear. So some time is needed to get down to those primary emotions and work through them. You say, forget al-anon and therapy, I don’t know if that’s an option right now. I think that somehow you need to bring sanity back into your life and those are pretty valuable tools in doing so.

I do vote for “Forgetting” the Christian singles site for right now. Your plate is far too full to even consider that. If you’re looking for someone to bring order out of chaos, I don’t think you’ll find him. If you’re looking for someone to love and cherish you, again I don’t think you’ll find him because right now I’m sensing that you don’t have the ability to love yourself. As for your insecurities, you are a very attractive woman with a warm heart, and at some point someone is going to be very lucky to land you, but right now maybe you need to land yourself.

There is another way to live. There is a life of sanity. If you’re looking for the answers here or there, you will not find them for the rest with you. You have the choice.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers


Just remember, if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. Because nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes.

LL,

not sure what all to say right at the moment as I haven't read your entire post--I Got stuck at this comment--and wanted to ask--what makes you think it's un-Christian like to feel angry???

"Lots of anger right now. Not a Christian attitude, so for starters, I'm very angry and frustrated with why I can't just be what God wants me to be instead of letting it get so bad that I just sailed my poor cordless phone at the wall again."


Does not God Himself get Angry for people stepping over HIS boundaries??? Is that not what Hell will be about--Satan and People ignored God's boundaries for being in a relationship with Him??

Did Not Jesus get angry and turn over tables in the Temple??? Because they were selling in the temple which was against Gods boundaries--

So why do you think you shouldn't get angry when people hurt you and over step your boundaries??

Granted God shows grace and mercy right now when we over step His boundaries--but His grace and mercy won't last forever--He will reach His limit
and it won't be a pretty site--so God is long-suffering--and patience to us right now--
but it won't last forever--

Don't you think you have shown patience for a time?? Granted it hasn't been thousands of years--
but life is shorter for us on this earth than it is for Gods eternity--and we certainly aren't more long suffering than God is--so relax and don't be so hard on yourself--that you are angry--it's an emotion God gave to each us to let us know when things aren't right in our lives--and when others are stepping over the line--

Hi LL!!

First of all, I am sorry that you have all this happening to you and it is not fair. Now the rest is going to be really harsh, so get ready...

Next, it is time for reality. It is happening, your choice is what are you going to do about it.
As to ExH & OW, it is none of your business what they are doing. However, even though he may be an alcoholic drug user, he still is smart enough to say that a 15 year old girl who does not follow rules is not staying in his home. You have made the choice to put your daughter in the alternative school & if OW can no longer pick her up, there is nothing you can do about it.

As to your daughter, OCD, ADHD, whatever, she is nothing but a spoiled little brat. From your posts, it is easy to see that you are the one who has spoiled her. You have worked for 15 years to create this monster and now you have to deal with her. Unfortunately, 15 is too old to put across your knee, so you have to do other things.

WHAT IS SHE DOING STAYING OUT UNTIL 3 AM!? I would let her know that the house is locked at 9:00 pm, and that is that. If she is not there, she is welcome to find other sleeping arrangements.

She has stolen your cell phone? Take it back, sheesh! She steals your clothes? Put a lock on your bedroom door. She messes up your bathroom? Do not let her in, deadbolts work really well. She messes up the house? Change the locks and do not let her in the house unless you are there. As for your 18 year old son, there is no excuse for him to use your home as a cheap hotel room either.

So from what you have said, neither your ExH, your son, nor your daughter have any respect for you. WHY SHOULD THEY? No one respects a doormat, they only step on it and kick it back when it moves from its assigned place. Your anger is not bad, it is your self-esteem finally trying to get out.

You have spent 15 years trying to be a loving, giving mother and all you get in return is a spoiled brat who steals from you and curses you. Haven't you read in Proverbs that a man who does not discipline his son hates him? You are not showing love by letting this 15 year old tyrant run over you.

Here is what you are looking at...

1) She is sexually active with no birth control, so get ready to be supporting her financially and taking care of her child(ren) soon. (By the way, the new babies will probably not be eligible for your health care through your job as grandchildren)

2) If she has not already, she will soon be infected with some STD, maybe even AIDS; so you will soon be paying for that treatment.

3) I am sure she is abusing alcohol, so get ready for marijuana, crystal meth, crack, heroin, etc. Do you have an extra $1500 for her attorney each time she gets arrested?

4) Girls who hang out until 3 am tend to hang out with really wonderful, stable people, so don't be surprised when she shows up beaten or raped.

5) Since she already curses you, she will probably soon start hitting you too, so be ready for the fun midnight visits to the ER. It is so wonderful to be a prisoner in your own home.

Now you may be wondering how I know this. Well, I am a prosecutor in a fairly large city (600,000), so I see this every single day. After these little spoiled brats have abused their parents for years, the same parents are right there posting bond, hiring a lawyer, and begging a judge not to send the little darlings to jail where they belong. The looks of contempt on the faces of the judges are really priceless.

You have a choice, LL. You can let her keep on the path of destruction or you can make the incredibly difficult decision to put a stop to the madness. Give your daughter the gift of letting her experience the full consequences of what she does. It will be harder than anything you have ever done, but you will gain a child who respects you, a sane home, and, believe it or not, self-respect.

LL, here is my advice. Take what you want and leave the rest.

I think you would be greatly helped by attending a few meetings of Alanon the support group for people with friends and relatives addicted to drugs and/or alchohol. Also, read some of their material. You can get it from the library for free. Why?

Your ex, the OM, and your DD, are out of control and you are trying to control them. But, the problem is that you can't control them. You can only control yourself.

Let me give you an example. You say that DD has taken YOUR cell phone and now turns it off so you can't call her. You can't force her to return the phone, but you can call the phone company and report it as lost. They will disconnect it so DD can't use it. This can also save you loads of money. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your ex is not living up to his end of the parenting agreement. You can't force him to do so, but you can get the courts to make him pay you more in support since you are footing a lot more of the cost for the DD.

LL, you need to start controlling what YOU do and for the time being worry less about others. Yes, that is hard, but in the end you will be healthier and be able to help DD when she is willng to accept the help.

LL, Have you read any of Cloud's books on setting boundries? If not, I suggest that the next time you are tempted to clean up after your daughter, go down the the library instead and get a copy and then read it. His name is Henry Cloud and his books on boundaries are pretty good.

I'm really having problems with this single-parent, no backup thing. I have been trying since Tuesday evening to get the ex or the OW to give up one lousy lunch hour and go pick our daughter up from school tomorrow at noon so that I don't have to miss my company's holiday celebration at a very nice restaurant. I've been with the company for 19 years--I'm leaving in February. I'd really like to attend this one final time.

But....no one responds to my emails. So I called--but no one responded to my phone calls. So I called again tonight. Ex still didn't answer, but OW answered her phone. I asked again. She said in a very sharp voice, "I'll ask ex and get back with you!". Of course no one has gotten back.

My daughter's boyfriend is in school--can't pick her up. There aparently isn't anyone she's close enough with at her school to ask for a ride. She doesn't want me to call a cab--I don't blame her. She's never been in a cab before.

My neighbors either work or have small kids and I'm not asking people I'm not that close with to bail me out of it's not life or death. So, I'm out of options at this point.

It just frustrates me--that I have absolutely no backup. It's all 100% on my shoulders. How do I set boundaries or get help in this situation? I'm spending each and every lunch hour (a time when it would be nice to relax a bit) busting butt to drive the 10-15 miles to get my daughter and drop her at home, then busting it another 10 miles back to work. When you factor in the parking garage and the several block walk to my office, it can't even be done in an hour. And that doesn't include eating, which is normally grabbing the first leftover I can find at home, stuffing it in a bag, and then digging it out at work and eating it while I work.

The one time I want to do something special...for me...that I won't ever be able to do again with all the people I've worked with forever...and I can't. I'm feeling a little Scrooge-like. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

LL

LL

Hw about you let your D stay home for the day, give YOU and HER a break, so you can go.. (being it is a special school.. this one time, calling in sick, is not going to hurt things) or is it??

there are times me and my daughter say, JUST THIS ONE TIME, and take advantage, for US... D will probably love it, and you can go to your party.. it is a holdiay.. if you feel it is that important to go.. then go..

this is what we are all talking about.. DO NOT CALL THE EX OR OW.. take control (or advantage) of your own decissons...!!!

It seems to me you call them (EX & OW) more then need be.. Your ex has his visitation worked out in the paper work.. anything more, sure you can call and politely ask, but if they do not agree.. then take matter into your own MIND AND HANDS. and if you can`t.. KEEP THINKING!!!

There is always a solution. AND FOR YOUR OWN SAKE.. get out and join a group for a passion of your own, and meet people in your area, that perhaps in time, can help you, as well as you helping them.. Did you ever hear of the Bardar System???

GO TO THE PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!! and enjoy!!!

AV

And getting back to all the rest of you who took the time to respond (I've read them..just haven't had time to reply):

First, as for my B/P...it's probably not 200/100. That was exaggerated. However, the top number has been known to be 150, but since the lower number stays around 80, my dr. doesn't mess with it.

Did you ever think of going for some meds, to take the edge off, and perhaps help you cope??

Actually, yes. I take Lexapro. I've had some anxiety issues for years so have been on and off different A/D's but some have side effects I just don't like. Lexapro has been about the best. What I should do when I get really stressed is pop one of the Xanax that the dr. gave me. But they are so hard to come by, I tend to save them for real emergencies.

I do have a lock on my BR door, but tend to forget to have the key on me at all times, so don't lock it. I'm taking the week off work after Christmas and hoping to reclaim my br/bath, so maybe I can stash keys around the house where my daughter can't find them, and then start locking it again.

As for consequences for her actions, I agree she needs them. Punishing is hard, though, and doesn't often have the intended effect with ADHD kids. One thing that has come through from all the different people who have been involved has been to "reward the ADHD child for good or improved behavior". I do think that has a bigger effect, but it's hard to reward when you don't see the better behavior!

Separate your brain from your heart when dealing with your daughter.

This is where I fail miserably..with my daugher, with my now XH, with my son, with bailing my mom out of debt when the bill collectors were calling, etc. I am too stinking soft-hearted when it comes to people I love! How does one change their core personality?

Iceprincess, your comment about my daugher being a genetic copy of her father is totally correct. They are two peas in a pod! She hates it if I compare them, but it is SO true. As for kicking her out though, like I did him--I don't think I could tell her that because I'm afraid she wouldn't run to him, but would run away, and then the state would get involved and she'd end up in some awful group home, she would become hardened and hateful like her cousin and another girl I know have. While the "system" may have temporarily preserved the mothers' sanity, it did the girls zero good.

I still maintain that she's better off with someone who loves her and wants her to succeed in life. But I MUST get stronger and learn boundaries!

LH made a comment:

You’ve expressed some concern about basically pissing her off and then she leaves or get’s taken and you loose your CS.

If she leaves and goes and lives with her father (which I believe is almost as bad as the state system), yes I'd lose my CS and yes it'd be really tight. But I could probably cut back and make it if it were just me I was paying for. And if he reopened the support thing in court and I had to pay him CS, that'd really bite but I might still be able to make it if I put a minimal amount of expenses on a charge card each month until she turned 18.

BUT...if the state takes her, my support will be a lot more to pay because the state's income is considered to be zero. I don't think I could make it then. And all the while I'd be really angry because the state would be taking my money AND possibly screwing up my kid even worse at the same time (really all dependent on which group home they get stuffed into--some are really bad and some aren't as bad, but it's whichever one has an opening at the time--and guaranteed to be 100's of miles from here because they'd want her away from her friends. That's already been explained to me.) It would not be helping my sanity!

TR, as for my anger and it being right or wrong, I'm not really angry at myself just for being angry. I'm feeling "un-Christian" because of how I dealt with it. Throwing a cordless phone at my bedroom wall--not an appropriate response!
(But it is my normal response--the one I'm wanting so badly to change! I react first, think second. Bad! Not how God wants me to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

And yes, I have been MUCH more patient and MUCH more calm than when XH and I were still married and he was living here. Both my kids have pointed that out. But then something like this happens and I go and blow up and throw the phone again.

IsIt2Late--yes, I'm feeling a little bruised by the 2x4. But it is the truth and things I need to deal with. I appreciate you being honest--sometimes we need to face things that we don't like.

Couple points to clarify:

You have made the choice to put your daughter in the alternative school & if OW can no longer pick her up, there is nothing you can do about it.

The alternative school was the only option--definitely not my choice had there been other options. She was expelled from her H/S for failing to show up at most classes. Iowa law requires that she be in school until she's 16, and it's the parents' responsibility to see that she is. The only place she could go was where she is now, as I didn't have the ability to home school her. And because she was expelled from her H/S, they won't bus her because she isn't to be at the school (which would include being there to catch the busses). And the alternative school is at the very edge of the metro area in an industrial area. No city busses run out there. It's good for keeping kids from playing hookie because there's nowhere for them to go, but bad in this situation.

From your posts, it is easy to see that you are the one who has spoiled her. You have worked for 15 years to create this monster and now you have to deal with her.

I have tried not to spoil her, and have raised her basically the same as my son who seems to have grasped the "authority" issue. Granted, he's lazy and shows a general lack of respect for my wishes, but he's a straight-A student at UofI, doesn't drink or smoke and won't be around people who do, has never been in trouble with the law, was in National Honor Society in HS, etc. Two kids raised basically the same turned out totally different. The only thing she's probably gotten more of from me than he did was attention because he's been very independent almost since birth.

I don't really know how to deal with her. Some nights she can actually be really sweet when we're home together. Last night she came home and wanted to fill me in about a movie she watched, about what was going on with her boyfriend, about all sorts of stuff. Other times she's pure evil.

As for the other points:

1) Yes, she is sexually active. Makes me sick to know it, but it's a fact. I have begged her to let me take her for birth control. She doesn't want to. Says I don't need to worry. Of course I do, and yes I know I'd end up raising a baby if she was PG, and yes I know it wouldn't be eligible for insurance. So I'll keep trying to press the BC issue.

2) STD's--they scare me, too. While in Iowa, we're more fortunate than a lot of the nation when it comes to HIV rates, I know it's out there and so are a lot of others. Right now, I truly believe she's only been with one guy--her off-again, on-again boyfriend who is currently on-again.

3) Alcohol--yes, I know she's drank. Right now, she's angry with her boyfriend because he drinks though, and his mom, like her dad are alcoholics (great genetics if they get together-NOT!) and she's threatened to break up with him if he doesn't quit. Drugs--I do not believe she is doing drugs (her drug test last spring was clear), nor do I think most of her friends do, other than a couple who have dabbled in pot. I know it could happen, but I think the current friends are more the "flop at a 21-yr-old's house and drink group" if anything.

4) Not worried as much about the people she hangs out with, as most are high-school seniors, but am more worried about WHERE they hang out. They spend a lot of time downtown seeing local bands play (her 17-yr-old BF is a lead singer of one local band), and it can get rough in certain areas. (She actually did show up that night at just after midnight which was a LOT better than 3am that she'd threatened.)

5) Hitting--again while I may be eating my words, I don't see her hitting me or anyone else. Other than squishing 3 of her brother's tadpoles in anger when she was 3, she's never been physically violent. She's just very, very, very verbally hurtful and manipulative (much like her dad there.) Her cousin (the one that spent time in the state group home) is exactly what you describe right down to the drugs, the pregnancy (she just aborted a baby in October at 15 yrs old), and the physical violence. It may actually work in my favor with my daughter, because she isn't fond of what that cousin has done.

You are right, I don't want her in jail. But I was actually the one who landed her on her informal probation (which ends in January). I turned her in for stealing my $ on the advice of a therapist. It was a hard decision for me to make. Problem was, we hoped she'd end up on probation with a tracker, and that they might also help with some in-home counseling. Instead, they did the informal probation with threats of a group home if she voilates it. Not the outcome we wanted.

I guess what frustrates me so much about my daugher is that I made call after call on the advice of therapists to the Dept of Human Svcs, to cops who work the juvenile system, etc asking (begging) for help that does not include removal from the house (because they keep telling me that removing the child is the last think anyone wants to do). But when it comes right down to it, there is no help available. One side says call the other, and the other refers me back to the first place again. I finally gave up last fall and said screw it, I'll deal on my own.

But that's the problem. It's wearing me out not to have a second parent helping just a little. I don't have relatives in town who can pinch hit when I need a break, which I badly need right now.

So, in response to a comment LostHusband made, I am trying to put my big-girl panties on and deal with it, but apparently I must be trying to put both legs in one leghole or something! I seem to need a little assistance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

-----------------------------------------------

PS...X just called at 9:30 saying he would pick up his daughter at school at noon tomorrow so I can go to my holiday celebration. He was civil.

Then OW called 5 minutes later on her phone (must not have known he called). Very snippy voice telling me to "make sure she's out the door immediately when school is out and that she looks for a black Mercury. That's the deal." (click).

Witch!!!

LL

Post deleted by FoundMan

I recommend you read" "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Gottman (or something like that)...the title is right.

Look on amazon...it is $10.

It may very well change your life...and the life of your daughter.

My girls are 10,9, and 7....and I know all about giving, giving, giving, and still having an ex that wants more, more, more.

Lord Lady-I just love you so much! Needed to send this e-comfort card- Dolly sings so good! Think we can all relate. Hope today is a better day.

Turn up your speakers http://www.angelhugs.com/AreYouListenin.html

God bless,
love
sky