Do you really want your ex back ?

Why ?


I don't want my exW back at all ... I post here my top 3 reasons ...

She cheated on me 1997 and I forgave her and she promised me never contact OM. She did it 6 months after that and drove me into insanity ... literally! for 2 years I didn't know what's wrong. I forgive her again but I would never forget it. On top of all, she is still in the deep fog !.

I have given a second chance ... She is my first date, my first kiss, my first GF ... my first love. I know my second time around arm with MB ... I would find a fulfilling M !, I would not settle with my heart but with both my heart and my head. I know someone out there would treasure and protect my heart, body and soul ... w/ 4 gifts of love.

I never tought that I would take AD ... I had to and I was in such a big mess. Those 2 years are my darkest day in my life ... looking back I was in a major depressive state. I come out fine, thank to God, MB, SH and many supports from you all. I am heading somewhere w/o her at all, why would I take a passanger w/ an old baggage ?.

Now I don't know your situation, but I was horrified that some of BS here willing to roll red carpet for ex ... that is still wayward !. Give me your reasons !.

-rh-

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Sometimes, it's easier said than done. No one like misery, but in reality we know that we should move on. But it's quite scary to make change, and most of us do not like changes. But we will once we are pushed far enough.

Personally, I know I am happier w/out my wife even though I still care for her deeply and miss her a lot. As for love, I don't even know what it means anymore. I thought I did, but I don't. I know I should move on, but there are days - I have to admit that I still want to have her back in my life. That's why sometime I call myself stupid for having such thoughts.

Here are some of the reasons: (I think)
1. Afraid of change
2. financial difficulty
3. HOPE - the other person will change - highly not going to happen
4. Religious beliefs
5. For better or for worse
6. For the kids
7. Afraid of being lonely

I assume your xW is still in the fog otherwise we won't have this discussion <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Let's look at it ...

1. Afraid of change >>> change has happened <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , it is thrust upon us. We have survived the worst change of all, being torned apart ...
2. financial difficulty >>> do you think you are better off financially now then if you take back your WS ? or putting you at risk since she is still in la la land ?, how about financing their A ?.
3. HOPE - the other person will change - highly not going to happen >>> You answer your own statement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
4. Religious beliefs >>> Pardon my ignorant. Even GOD (Christianity) requires us to repent
5. For better or for worse >>> take it back, which one will most likely the result ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
6. For the kids >>> what r u teaching ur kids ?, infidelity is ok ?, doormat is ok ?, this is a normal R ? ... you are scaring 'em of R or reaching 'em.
7. Afraid of being lonely >>> is WS really there when u r lonely ?. r'nt u alone now, are u lonely ?

-rh-

Sorry I have to agree with CAsleepless,,,,,,,,,change is TERRIFYING,,and although we KNOW a change has been thrust upon us, and everything red hat says is logical, when you're in a scary situation (facing being alone, huge finanacial difficulties, challenging basic religous and personal beliefs against divorce, upsetting children)you dont always think logically. You think emotionally. Myself, I have stayed for well over 10 years because for the first 10 years of my marriage he was a wonderful husband (not perfect, but wonderful for sure),,,frankly, I loved him,,,but I do agree that it gets to the point where you have simply made too many sacrifices and been hurt too many times or too deeply. That's when you have to start examining things very logically, and start having a serious conversation with God (or whatever higher power you believe in) about what HIS plans are for you, and about whether He wants you to keep sacrificing your self esteem, your children (they ARE affected by all this), your beliefs, and your body for the sake of a marriage that has been so destructive,,,,Annie

So, like, are you really SERIOUS about this??
Why I would NEVER want my ex back:
- her solution to everything was, "That's YOUR problem"
- rules that apply to you and everyone else do NOT apply to her
- it's OK to verbally slam and slander other people
- a 'Oh woe is me' attitude about herself
- lying about things to make other people feel sorry for her
- falsifying documents and signatures to benefit her own self
- she can do whatever she wants to and it's OK but nobody else can do those things
- being totally ASININE about little things, like: Dammit! The toilet paper roll goes on with the paper down in BACK, not the front. How many times do I have to tell you this! What part of 'No' don't you understand?! Once a liar always a liar. You can NEVER be believed ever again. How many times do I have to tell you to fold the laundry towels THIS WAY!?
- doing little in the way of housework, yet claiming she DOES IT ALL and nobody else does a single thing.
- when she's proven wrong by simple unargueable facts, she's still RIGHT and you're WRONG.
- spending thousands of dollars on Jewelery and Antiques, yet I have to fight with her and argue to just get a few dollars for a pack of cigarettes or a blank video tape.
-------------------------
I'm sooooooooooooooo glad I don't have to live with her $hit anymore! The other month I was cutting some trees and stuck my hand into a nest of Yellow Jackets. I only got stung 8 times and I have never hurt so bad in my life, I kid you not. I would RATHER go stick my hand back into that nest before I'd go back to my ex ever again!
Kinda makes a statement here, doesn't it?
Harold

Only been DV for a month so might be a little different answers than some on here:

I actually probably still WOULD take my ex back IF:

* He gave up OW--complete NC
* He gave up booze and got professional help
* He got help for his anger issues
* Was willing to go to MC
* He showed a truly REPENTENT attitude about what he did, not just coming back because there was no other choice

However, right now it doesn't appear those things are happening so I will live as I am living and if someday God brings someone else into my life, I will no longer be available for my ex. I am not intentionally "waiting" for him.

There are a lot of reasons right now that I would not go back. In addition to the above, I cite Sauron's items #1-#4 and #7.

(By the way Sauron, in my house the toilet paper roll does go on with the paper coming down the front, not the back, so your ex was wrong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Loneliness is is a fear of mine, but I'm single and while there are things I obviously miss about having a partner, I'm not dying from it, so it's not a reason to take ex back.

I'm also fortunate in that I have a decent job, so unless the state comes and takes my daughter and I have to pay them (story on a different post), I don't have a problem keeping my house and making ends meet. It's tighter--no doubt! But it's still do-able.

LL

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Would I want my ex back? Yes...

Yesterday was my court hearing for DV. Everything went smooth and ex W and I actually kinda joked a little. We did talk a little during the wait before our case came up. She seemed a little distant, but she was the person I married 18 years ago. My whole adult life was spent with this woman and I still love her today even though we have been through hell in the last year and a half...

Why would I take her back? Besides the usual stuff like being the mother to our children and being the woman in my whole adult life, she knows me, she knows all my good and bad habits, she is still very beautiful for a 38 year old, I still feel a commitment to her--almost feel bad for her because she has gotten herself into a huge mess... I sometimes feel I need to save her from the madness, the financial bind she's gotten herself into, the road to nowhere she is presently on. I know I shouldn't feel this, especially since we are now divorced, but I still feel bad for her...

We have so much history together. We've been to many places and seen so much together. We may have not been as close as I would have liked, but she was like my navigator, my right hand (wo)man.

Sure, I'm scared of change, of financial stuff, of being alone, of not having the same lifestyle, of the fear of failing in other relationships, of having a different relationship. Yeah, these are all factors in not wanting to let go, to holding on to her, but I think the biggest thing is is that she was my friend. That is the main reason I'd want her back...

In saying all this, however, I wouldn't take her back in the current situation. She's still deep in the fog and doesn't seem to have any remorse for the things she's done. I'm pretty sure she is still in contact with OM. And, she shows no willingness to want to ever reconcile. But, if she did do the things that needed to be done to reconcile, I'd take her back in a heartbeat... Just my 2 cents worth.

I would not take my ex WW back. She is NOT the woman I married.

Besides, she doesn't want to come back. That is only a ridiculous fantasy made possible by my lack of being emotionally healthy. I need a complete recovery, not a cheating ex wife.

I hear you Lost,,,,,I've been married 22 years myself, I was bearly 18 when I got married, and he was my first one and only boyfriend,,,,EVER. He was my life, the reason I breathed every day,,,,,and the thing I resent most, I think, is that he STOLE that from me,,,,,and I'm not the same person I used to be,,,Annie

Hey Redhat.

And I am with you. At first I tried like h#ll to save what i thought was a marriage. It was a complete charade. Nobody knows who he is. He doesn't even know who he is. He put me through the darkest days I could ever imagine and he has absolutely no conscience about it. When the man broke into my residence a year and a half ago, he said that he was "made to do it" because "I had turned our divorce into a mud slinging fight" because I couldn't agree to do things his way in the divorce.

I couldn't imagine living with him. He is handsome, knows just what to say, smooth, well dressed, and knows how to woo a girl. He gives great gifts, etc...but that's just to control the object he wants in his life. I am no longer his object. I am again the woman I was before marrying him. I am happy. I am no longer depressed as much and am a great mom.

I went thru the fears that most people do when divorcing and mine was imho, a horrid divorce. I lost tons of money, he ruined my credit in the process, he lied, cheated, and stole from me. He moved his mistress in with him and thumbed his nose at the court system hiding behind a gated golf club subdivision thinking that nobody except a few neighbors knew he was living with her. He got her preggers and all the while was seeing OW1. Does a sane woman want that back? No.

There comes a time when you have to reclaim your life. Getting there isn't easy. But even if you are married, you must always be who you are. My xh didn't let me be that person ever.

My best days are ahead. I still struggle, but I met some awesome people here and I LIVED THRU THE HELL

NeverAgainTheSame, nothing to be sorry about. Everyone could agree to disagree, at the end we are the one who live in it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sauron The Dark Lord, LOL! ... I made a pack w/ one of my best freinds to do anything she could, including 2x4 if I ever get into BS's fog. I have something that your exW would sing one day: Gollum Song

lordslady, lost-without-her & JustinExplorer, I am talking about eX that still in the fog. W/ FWS, it is different answer. However my answer still the same, that is just me. Becase I start enjoying my single life and I am bless w/ second chance in my life. I would never give it up for eXW even when she is out of her fog ... she has nothing to offer. I am just dumb founded by BS that happily roll the red carpet for WS.


peachy, I am proud of you considering where you were on your first post. You know you will be bless with happy life.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>

(By the way Sauron, in my house the toilet paper roll does go on with the paper coming down the front, not the back, so your ex was wrong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ha! I knew it! I knew I was not losin' my frigging mind! Thank you for VALIDATING that for me. And... my wife (the sweet one I met and married 4 1/2 years ago) also says that the roll goes on paper front.
Ha! I sure as heck hated having to unstick that darned roll of paper every time I needed it - butt (no pun intended here, folks hehehehe) since I met a lady (woman, really) who sees the SENSIBLE side of things, it's really a lot easier to use the TP these days...
Lord, THANK YOU for rescueing me from nearly 18 years of total HELL from that woman (or girl in a woman's body, really).
Miracles do happen!
SDLOTR <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Merry Christmas Redhat!

Of course we are all much more content, saner and getting better without our x . All that pain is movin in the past.

Wanted to send you a thinking of you card-Hope you have a wonderful day! Thankyou for all the support and good things you always have to say!

No I never want to see, hear, from my x again. History-should remain in history records.

Sending you a e-card to brighten your day during this season! Thanks for being there for me last year when I needed the support!I really appreciated all your wise words especially to my son...that wayward older woman that had her claws in him. What a year last yr was. And God used you to get me through!

http://www.angelhugs.net/WeCan.html

Christ Love
my love
Sky

would i want my WS back?
yes and no.

absolutely no, not not with/under same circumstances,,,

yes. I would take my WS back,,, Having to do with a commitment and a promise.
Including the wedding vows, for better for worse and in sickness and in health, til death do we part.


Not knowing all, but so far i haven't been able to locate where God says He has somebody better in mind for me,,,??? I know He tells us that He hates divorce, that all marriages can reconcile, that none shall parish,,,
,,,many will be fooled.?

I would take my WS back, involving the thoughts about being an inspiration to our children. Reflecting to the true meaning of a family.marriage. The way God planned, not the ways of the worldly ways of the flesh.


Would i take my WS back, in so many ways, yes. Especially knowing that so much pain/hurt would be lifted from my childrens heavy heart.

Would i sacrifice my selfish wants/neds,, you bet.

I still "STAND" in the gap praying for the healing of not only my marriage, but so many all across. Especially for all the hurting children.

God tells us that all prodigals do come home,,??


am i crazy? some are convinced,,, as i only try to become less grey,each and every day- and having that light shine.

Merry CHristmas to all.

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 04:51 AM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

Nope. Plans A and B "worked" for me in that respect. Plus I am seeing a woman who is an upgrade in just about every way. My biggest problem is making sure I remember what love feels like. Things do get better.

"Do you really want your ex back?"

NO.

"Why?"

I will never get passed the enormous pain he put me through when he protected the homewrecker and her feelings instead of me and my daughters after DDay.Not to mention continued contact after 2 false recoveries and many other mini attempts.I will never be able to trust WH again,ever.No matter what he spews as "truth".It's over.

O

Not now. 2 years ago, I would have went back at the smallest sign of reconciliation. But I no longer need to fill the void that he left in my heart and life. It is filled and repaired. When I first left my home and the marriage, my heart had a hole the size of California. I thought that he was the only one who could make me feel whole or complete. I no longer feel that way at all. I am very happy and I AM NOT lonely anymore.

Everytime we talk or see each other, I am so glad that I do not have to live in his chaos. He accused me of acting like his mother but ya know what, he needs a mother. But I am not the one he needs.
Praise God and Hallejuah. I am free.

Merry Christmas to all

TW

sky diver,
Merry Christmas to you & your son <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... yes, we have a choice. Hope you will be bless with someone that is 1000% upgrade in all ways that your exH would. I know it is not hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .
Stephan,
No, you are not crazy. You follow what your heart and your faith tell you to do. Of course no one should ever want WS back ... only SO back. However many of us here have met and seen the life w/o WS and we choose differently. There is a time for everything, in time I hope you don't victimized yourself and let your happiness pass by you.
tmmx,
Well, let the lucky lady to learn 4 gifts of love ... bring her to the MB seminar. My requirement for my next SO is willing to use MB as the basis for R.
Octobergirl,
Yeap, looking back at your story, you will no problem finding some one that would tops your WH, even H pre-Dday.
tossedwave,
Thanks for stopping by. I am glad that you are strong and moving on in life.

All,
If you have slight doubt or love that you still have for WS or ex ... it is ok and normal. You should let the love drained out before you hook up in a new R. It takes time to get there ... DV Care said that 1 year wait for every 4 years of M, good M that is. However never take back your ex or WS for any reasons ... only take back you exSO or FSO. Otherwise you will end up hurt again and wasting yourlife.

Merry Christmas to all from MickyLand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> -rh-

Hello Redhat,

I am waiting another 6 months so I can file in the D without his signature (or something like that, it would have been two years separation this May).

Reasons why I would not take him back:

1- Not trustworthy. Lies are his quickest way out of any situation
2- Cannot manage $$$. Earns plenty, but have a lot of bad debts. He is one of those people ruined by credit card interests. He has a penchant for designer goods.
3- Unhealthy. Smokes about 30 ciggies a day. Unhealthy eating habits and no exercise.
4- Unbeliever. Mocks God. Thinks God ought to give him everything he wants-- God equals Santa Claus.

Actually, I loved him despite all above, except I didn't know about item 1 till DDay. He lied about many things, not just the A. But most of all, I will divorce him because we don't have sex anymore, and he wouldn't tell me why. This has been a big issue with me for many years. I am constantly angry because of this.

And the last reason-- he's short.
I would just like to have a taller husband <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I ponder the question and think the answer is "no" but wonder if it is self-preservation. I am convincing myself I don't want him because he probably doesn't want me. See how screwed up my head is.

He has major health problems and I was prepared that hard times were ahead. Now I think I would resent being his nursemaid when the time comes (his kidneys are wasting away). I wonder if he thought he might as well go and have a fling while he still had the energy to do so. Only God knows what went on in his stupid mind. My friend said to me the other day, "it's not your problem anymore" but it still feels like it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />