Looking for some insights here on forgiveness. Moreover, when have you “truly” forgiven someone? I mean, we can all say “I forgive you” and not really mean it. But when do you know if you honestly, really have forgiven someone? Allow me to explain my ponderence of this…

For about 6 months or so I have been praying and praying to find it in myself to forgive not just my WW, but the OM as well. Finally, I felt I had reached a place where it was time to tell WW that I had forgiven her. So, I did… just so happened that it was our anniversary (our son had a school conference that night). I told her, and I meant it. It didn’t seem to impact her whatsoever… but it was very liberating for me.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can honestly say to myself that I have forgiven her. I still feel animosity towards the two of them. I still have thoughts of doing him great bodily harm. I still sometimes want to see her suffer for what she’s done. I find myself still wanting revenge at times. Not all the time… but there are days where I want her to hurt as bad as she hurt me. So, have I forgiven her?

I want to forgive her. I really, really want to. I want to have zero animosity, zero bitterness, zero emotions whatsoever for them or about what they did. I want to be able to hear his truck start up (the @sshole live 150 ft. from my door) and not feel a thing… Usually, however, I feel a twinge in my spine… the bile in my gut… the hairs on the back of my neck stand up… and I want to hurt him. Badly.

The point is, I don’t want to feel these things anymore. I want to forgive and forget. That’s what happens when God forgives us of our sins… they are as far from his memory as the East is from the West. Jesus died on the cross to forgive us of our sins… it seems the least I can do to forgive the WW and OM. And I want to… I just don’t know if I have, or how to. Any thoughts? Anyone else know what I’m talking about? It just feels like it is a touch hypocritical to say I forgive her, to outwardly act forgiving to her, when deep down inside… I’m not all that sure it is true. Am I just going nuts?

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

Want you wife back!

Forgiveness is a process- a special work done in our hearts, choices we make. Difficult to do when we are so deeply wounded. Takes time, and our own wounds need to be healed-Imho-if we focus mending our wounds-forgiveness comes as a bonus pkg.

I forgive my x more each day- last year- I was incapable. Forgiveness means now to let him go away in peace.

Just because your hurting so deeply I am going to leave you one of my favorite Christmas poems. Hope you find a bit of comfort!

At Christmas and Always

God loves you with a Father's heart and guides you with His light-Created in His image, you are precious in His sight.

You can trust He'll bless and keep you though life's problems may arise, For His grace is never-failing and His plans, divine and wise.

You have a friend, a champion, a help in all you do, You have an everlasting love-
because God cares for you.

Take good care,
Christ love,
lovingly
sky

WMWB,

There are so many things that I don't think I could ever forgive X for. I guess forgiveness would be more associated with reconciliation.

I know that I am and will get over what has happened, but thats not the same as forgiving.

I wouldn't have to have reconciliation to forgive. (Keep in mind that forgiving and forgetting are two different things though...I might forgive, but I doubt I forget).

However, in order to forgive, it would be REALLY helpful if the "forgivee" was truly, honestly sorry for what they'd done. It's a little tougher not to harbor some resentment when they're still carrying on their merry way.

LL

Sigh...

IMHO, forgiveness requires an admission of fault and active changing of the destructive behavior.

I do not forgive my WS XW. She married the OM and is still married to this day. I've lost track of how long, a few years now.

My anger has turned to pity. I see her now and she doesn't look happy. If I were to meet her for the first time, seeing her the way she is now, I would not be interested. Affairs are a train wreck in slow motion.

This idea that forgiveness is somehow required for getting over it is pure BS. Failure to condemn an act is implicit approval.

So, I'm cordial to her. I don't go out of my way or anything, but I don't hastle her and she doesn't hastle me. It's good for our daughter. Being cordial is the meanest thing I can do to her now. I'm sure she's questioning her choice and I don't give her any reasons to validate her decision. Better yet, I have the rest of my life to live andthe best revenge is living well.

First (Want My Wife Back),
It is both wise and honorable that you said
"so I have been praying and praying to find it in myself to forgive....". Real men love Jesus.

To really understand your situation we need to know more about what happened, are you seperated, have you been to marriage counseling?

I have no idea what it would feel like to have adulteror 150' from my house. I'd seriously consider moving so that I would be surrounded by peace. Restraint is not weakness, and patience breeds character.

For one to turn away and go to another there are underlining issues that need addressed. Coffins of resentment or loss of belief in you, your marriage, then finally herself. Open true discussions mixed with time and actions supported by the grace of God is your antedote.

Yes I forgave , truly, my wife. People we trust and love, fall and fail us at times. Peter went fishing instead of meeting up with Jesus at the appointed place after the resurrection. The shame was so overwhelming yet what did he see on the beach? Jesus preparing a meal for him, his friend, his master, once again gave him what only we can reflect with our lives. Christ love, the most powerful force in the universe.

Want My Wife Back,

This is from a Sexual Abuse Survivors book I use in a support group--but it will help you out here--as Forgiveness is Forgiveness no matter what type of hurt or abuse has taken place--

You don't have to forgive on a schedule--you can forgive when your ready--

Forgiveness is a step towards recovery but not the first step--

Look at the reasons you don't want to forgive--

Anger
Afraid
as long as I don't forgive I wil not be hurt again
If I forgive, it's saying what happened didn't matter, or that it was somehow okay
it hurts to much
or any other reasons---

Before we discuss what forgiveness is--let's look at what forgiveness is not--

It does not me what they did was okay or acceptable and it does not give them permission to hurt you again--

What is forgiveness?

You can forgive someone and still expect them to suffer the consequences of their actions--

You can choose to let go of the bitterness--
refusing to forgive only hurts you--

When I chose to forgive, I chose not to take revenge for the hurt that resulted by what the other person did--

I benefit from forgiving even if the other person
does not care or want to be forgiven--

Forgiveness validates your survival and grants you the freedom to thrive--

Forgiveness does not depend on the other person--
we sometimes have a problem forgiving because they have not asked for it--they haven't repented--but
forgiveness is not about them--it's about the one who was hurt--

We can forgive even if the offense was deliberate or repeated--

Forgiveness and rationalization--

just because you can rationalize their behavior by bad things from their past--doesn't make their behavior right--it isn't license for them to hurt others--

Forgiveness is choosing to resolve the hurt, anger, bitterness, sadness and most importantly the offense--

Forgiveness is not denying the offense occured or that it was wrong. Forgiveness is not absolving the person of the responsibility. It is recognizing the person must answer to God and possibly the legal system but not to you.

Certainly our forgiving the people who hurt us affects our responses to and relationship to the person, but a person is not truly forgiven until THEY seek Gods forgiveness. God is the one who takes away the sins of the world. God is the one who atoned for sin. Most importantly, God is the one, and the only one. who pardons--

In the OT, the Hebrew word for pardon is only used in connection with God and implies forgiveness by
God when God is offended. Certainly humans sin against humans, but sin is primarily against God.
Sexual abuse is a Sin against God and must be pardoned by God as all other sin must be pardoned by Him.

Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling--

Just because you forgive does not mean the relationship MUST be restored--if they refuse to seek God's forgiveness why would you want to restore that relationship??? As long as You are doing what God has put on your heart to do, forgive, then it doesn't matter what the other person does--that is between them and God--as that is who they answer to--Not you--

And unless they are truly repentant meaning willing to turn away from the sin--and make changes in their behaviors--you should not reconcile the relationship--even though you forgive them--as they will continue to hurt you
by their actions--

Read Matthew Chapter 18:15-17;

<small>[ December 27, 2004, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

What up?! WMWB!

It's winter break so I had some spare time and figured I would drop in and see how everyone is doing. Hope things are going well with everyone.

That forgiveness issue, it is something else isn't? On one hand you want to forgive and forget, you want to do as what we know was done to us and for us. You know that in fact if you do not forgive you cannot be forgiven as we all need to be. But on the other hand, the people who hurt you are so raw and callous in what they have done, they hurt you intentionally and they know it, but they don't care. Not only that, they continue to hurt you over and over and over again. What a dilemma.

I have thought these thoughts so many times before.

1. we are obligated to forgive each and every time someone comes to us and asks for forgiveness. That is, seventy times seven, or better yet, an infinite amount of times. But the thing is, the ex has never asked for forgiveness so how can you forgive her? Forgiving comes easy when the person humbles themselves and asks us to forgive them. But what if they feel justified in hurting you? What happens when they do not feel the need to ask for forgiveness? What do you do when they are nonchalant about your pain brought on by them?

2. we are obligated to forgive even when someone hurts us insofar that they really don't know what they are doing or have done. Christ forgave the soldiers nailing him to the cross even though they did not ask Him for forgiveness. But He forgave them because "they knew not what they were doing". In other words, had they known they were killing God's Son they probably would not have did what they did. Well, our wive's knew exactly what they were doing. They knew who we were and they knew how badly we were being hurt. They knew because they married us. They knew because they saw us cry. They knew because we told them. What about them? What's their excuse?

I have learned that the pain we feel, the hurt, the anger is really not from the people themselves, but rather from the acts they have committed towards us. I try to target my anger towards that. I hate adultery. I hate selfishness. I hate seeing sad children. Even though my ex and her lover has been the catalyst so to speak in all of this, it is their behavior and not them directly that is unacceptable and unforgiveable. They can change. And if they do, I am here waiting with an open heart. If I see my ex on the street in need, I am there to help her. Crazy as it may sound, if I see her lover in need of a ride, in need of a saving act, I will be there. I don't hate him. I hate what he has done. When you look at it that way, forgiveness and forgetfulness comes easy. But, as long as they continue to hurt you and be unremorseful you will continue to have the feelings you described. You are human. Channel those feelings towards the behavior. You may find forgiveness a little easier that way.