</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tdr:
<strong> Well at least you do not have stretch marks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, I needed that laugh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MIF

I have to agree with most of the others. It's not a good idea to date until after the D is final (and then some). I made that mistake a few months after my STBXW moved in with OM. You know what kind of blow your self-esteem takes. I figured out pretty quickly that all I was doing was feeding my ego. Unfortunately I ended up hurting this woman pretty badly because she developed feelings for me that I didn't share. It was a bad deal all the way around.

Unless you're a much stronger person than I am you're not ready emotionally for dating yet, even though it seems like it would be just the thing to help you feel better. I have read a lot of your posts and you seem like a person who takes his vows seriously. I am too, and breaking those vows by seeing someone else was the biggest mistake I have made through this whole process. I promise you that you won't regret waiting.

MIF?,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I kind of think that too. I mean, I am 33. If I wait a year or two I will be 35. Here I am a 35 yr old man with 3 kids. Who in their right mind would want to date someone like that?????
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh...Hello!!???! I am 39 years old...will be the big "four-O" in 9 months and I have teenagers, one of whom is very difficult to manage. You think YOU have something to worry about?!

(BTW: I don't think you do have anything to worry about. Maybe if you were mid-50's and had toddlers or something?)

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MIF?:
<strong> [QUOTE] If I wait a year or two I will be 35. Here I am a 35 yr old man with 3 kids. Who in their right mind would want to date someone like that????? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, some of us like younger men! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Seriously, age is in your mind. I remember being divorced the first time when I was in my 20's and was sure I was over the hill. Now that I'm older, I know I am "old" - but I'm older than you are. You're still a pup! 35 is young. Especially for men.

I don't expect to meet anyone myself, but that's more because of my lifestyle. If I wanted to, there are things I could do to meet people - I just don't care enough.

Alright, I get it. I am not *that* old. I just am stuck in the 80's. I remember thinking "Man 30 is over the hill". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I did have a difficult time with my 30th b-day too. So now with this crisis on the horizon I am thinking, as I mentioned above, "Who in their right mind wants a mid 30's man with 3 kids?"

starman,
Yes, I do take my vows seriously. I consider myself to have strong morals and my original screen name was Marriage Is Forever? I chose that because I always felt that you got married once and made it work, for better or worse.

MIF = just fearing the future a little bit.

<small>[ December 27, 2004, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: MIF? ]</small>

I am certainly nothing special, but I have to tell you that I was shocked by the number of dates I could have gotten when I started going out and socializing. There are a LOT of people out there looking for a good person to be with. And I'm 40 with 5 kids! I'm sure it's much more difficult if you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, but they are out there.

It's scary facing the future alone - none of us expected that outcome when we married. I'm scared too. I've been alone before. I've had my life turned upside down career-wise and relationship-wise multiple times and I always came out ok. In fact, I always have improved my situation following major upheaveals. So, I try to hang on to this belief and keep on truckin'. Today is all that counts - and what we make of the present.

I think it's the fear of living the rest of my life alone with no one to share all of those little life events with that is frightening me. I work with a guy who is divorced and he seems like he is a lonley guy. He puts on a tough exterior, but you can just tell he is not really happy.

MIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MIF?:
<strong> I think it's the fear of living the rest of my life alone with no one to share all of those little life events with that is frightening me. I work with a guy who is divorced and he seems like he is a lonley guy. He puts on a tough exterior, but you can just tell he is not really happy.

MIF </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've read that divorced men are more unhappy than divorced women. I don't know if it's true or not. I know once I'm all moved in and these little settling in projects are done with, I'm going to fall pretty hard. Right now I have no life. I used to have a life - way too busy a life - but have either dropped or lost interest in everything else since then. When the dust settles, I am scared of finding out I don't care about anything anymore.

Vu, you have any children?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MIF?:
<strong> Vu, you have any children? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My three "children" are all canines - a border collie age 1, and english cocker spaniels ages 5 and 10.

A BIG problem with dating too soon after / during D proceedings is that no matter how hard you try to convince yourself...you're still hurting! It's just natural. There's no cheating the grieving process. No shortcuts whatsoever.

And because of that, all you can really do is deal with the pain over time. But you throw caution to the winds...and you go right on ahead & date --> Now it will take strange twists in a dating relationship, but basically if ya wanna guarantee a host of failed relationships like a string of unwanted fish on a line tied into your past, then go right on out there & have at it.

The sorrow will come....later.....Then, you'll have MORE crap & baggage to deal with. Kind of like postponing your recovery. Not a fun thought since we all really want to get better & move on with a better life!

Just my thoughts.
High Flight

My question is, when do you know when you’re done with the grieving process? When do you know if you’re ready to be back out there?

In my situation, I feel fine now. I spent my summer months in a pretty severe depression. I remember that I didn’t eat for about 3 weeks, drank and smoked WAY too much for a while, I was a mess. What I remember from that is me is telling God, “Look, I have no idea why this is happening. I have no idea what You’re trying to teach me here. I do know that there is a lesson, and I’m going to try to open my heart and just take the pain.” I just tried to accept everything that was coming in the hope that it would help me heal faster if I didn’t fight it.

Now, I realize that my STBXW is not the person for me anymore. Maybe she never was. That idea doesn’t bother anymore. The idea that I wont be with her anymore doesn’t bother me anymore. The idea that I may be single for a few years doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m at a point where I want to get out there and see what’s out there.

I feel like I was able to get over this pretty quickly, but I hope that there’s not a round two waiting to happen. I don’t feel it, but I don’t want to get taken by surprise either.

You are either married or divorced/single. Any in between stage does not exist. My x seems to believe that the marriage was over when she no longer felt in love anymore. Typical WS BS. To date while you are still married blocks the opportunity for reconciliation, and also opens you to the temptation of committing adultery yourself. Really stupid move, and spiritually suicidal. DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER IT until you have a decree in hand.

It has been 1 year and 9 months since WW disclosure of affair. The D was final 10/29. I went through pastoral counciling and much pain over the entire time, and worked at reconciling actively for that entire time. I have grown spiritually and feel very much on solid ground with an ocassional tough day. I am open to the possibilities that dating may bring although I am aware of the ongoing healing. I look foreword to meeting new people. Who knows what the future will bring. I feel clean and can honestly say that I did everything I could possibly do, and cleared every possible hinderence that I was aware of for reconciliation. I turn her over now, with the knowledge that I did it right and honored God and what he would have me do. As a result, I am free. Free to find another God willing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jjhbicycle:
<strong> To date while you are still married blocks the opportunity for reconciliation, and also opens you to the temptation of committing adultery yourself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I straddle the fence between saying that I don't think we should be dating - and keeping my mouth shut in hopes the delayed D will be worthwhile. If I tell him I expect him to be faithful, he may feel backed into a corner and press for the D sooner. Even if he is not planning on seeing anyone - I could see him reacting that way. Or at least that's the thinking I've been using - I suppose I am in a fog???

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. It would be no different that what my STBXW is doing if I started dating while we were still legally married.

If you start dating while married and waiting to be divorced, you are not giving yourself the necessary time to heal emotionally and to learn how to avoid falling into another similar relationship in the future. Giving yourself some time alone before and after the divorce will help you enormously in achieving those two objectives.

TMCM

Niether of us has filed Yet...But, should it happen:

I will not date until the divorce is final...

Even tough, I my WH has already divorced me in his mind and actions. He has removed himself emotionally and physically from me..

From his current lvel of activitity he is "dating"..though still M and living in our home..

I plan on giving myself alot time to find out who I truly am, what I want, and how much I can give to a relationship..maybe I'll never date..It may not be worth the effort...especially, if the outcome is the same as where I am today...

I'd have a really hard time trusting any man again. Especially, since I still see here on this BB, among co-workers,and friends - that sooo many people are involved in A's..ONS...etc. and don't really view it as "wrong" and I can't accept that logic...

My motto may be - SAVE A COWBOY- RIDE A HORSE....yeha...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:

I'd have a really hard time trusting any man again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Funny, but after my divorce from my serial affair loving XWW, I had a harder time trusting myself than I did women in general. After all, the red flags were waving in front of me, and some of my closest friends gave me their reservations about her prior to marrying her but I did not listen to my good sense of that of those closest to me. In some sense, the worst betrayal was not that of my XWW but that to my own self. That is why I have harped on being alone to emotionally recover and to learn to enjoy being by yourself, before you start dating.

TMCM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>
I'd have a really hard time trusting any man again. Especially, since I still see here on this BB, among co-workers,and friends - that sooo many people are involved in A's..ONS...etc. and don't really view it as "wrong" and I can't accept that logic...

My motto may be - SAVE A COWBOY- RIDE A HORSE....yeha... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would disagree with that. If you take a stance that you are NOT going to do something because you don’t want to face the bad, you are putting yourself into a position where you can also not experience the good. The two are separate parts of one whole. This is just how Life is. There can be no good without bad, no light without darkness, no long without short, etc.

If you decide to date again or have a relationship you WILL open yourself up to the possibility of heartbreak, yet you also open yourself up to the possibility of happiness. To deny one is to deny the other.

I guess you can choose to live your life for fear or for hope, but not for both. Either way, Life will have its way with you. You cannot escape that.

I know how bad it hurts, I have been there. But I also know how Good it can be, I have been there as well. If I had it to do all over again, I would. Even knowing how much pain I was in for. Because the Good and Happiness I experienced more than made up for it.

I will date and marry again, even knowing what it feels like to have my heart broken. I also know what happiness can exist there and I wont deny myself that. If I want one, I must accept both.

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Noonespecial ]</small>