I still love my WxW and respect the role she has as our children’s mother so I wanted to give her a Christmas gift. After much reflection (and some debate here) I decided to go with my gut and give without expectation. Well, I settled on the Michael Jackson Boxed CD set and a pair of Elton John tickets.

She was ecstatic b/c those are her favorite artists. She jumped up and down, hugged me half to death and started singing "you just made my week". She then proceeded to invite me to the concert. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That was not the response I had expected, (she doesn't 'owe' me a 'date' but nonetheless I'm glad she received in the spirit that the gifts were given.

ThornedRose later wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So if she's inviting *you* to the concert with her--
things with the OM must not be as perfect as she tries to portray--
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But don't you all think she's just trying to eat cake? I don't want to be her buddy right now, and I can't be he boyfriend, lover or H. The concert is in March. I want to respond about the invite, but have no idea how. Every time I think I got this figured, the fog reminds me that I don't.

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

I have to laugh. Dleightonc.... yes, please go to the concert with your WxW. Have you read Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders? If not, this may not make sense. But if you can treat it as LITERALLY a no-strings-attached Freeloaders good time, you'll be doing exactly what it ought to be. Yes, you want to have fun. Yes, you want her to have fun. But that's -it-. It's just fun.

The OM? At this point, basically he's a competing date. Do you care? Well, of course you care. There's a history there.

If you were starting out fresh and going on a date with a complete stranger, would you care? Not as much, I'm guessing. It's expected that single people who are "dating" will go on dates with more than one person. By its nature it's a time to be non-exclusive, to meet people, to find out what they're like and whether things are likely to work out between you or not.

So? Go on dates. Go on dates with your ex-wife, and go on dates with other people too. Try, as much as you can, to objectively figure out what the best match for you will be. Try, as much as you can, to just enjoy it! You deserve to enjoy yourself, after all.

You may want to think about your boundaries for dating overall -- how long after your divorce do you want to wait before you date anyone? How are you feeling about that whole sex thing? How long do you want to date someone before you sleep with them? Are you a marriage-before-sex kind of a person? What level of romantic contact is appropriate in a non-exclusive relationship? How long do you want to wait before your kids meet a new significant other? How are you going to balance your time so that your kids don't lose time with you? Etc. etc. etc.

Dating is complicated when you're old enough to think through the implications, when you've got a history, and when you've got more than just you to think about. I -think- it's worth it, but I'm sure not ready to jump into the even more complicated world of a serious relationship at this point. I don't know how people do it!

JJ:

I never looked at it that way before. You're right. If I met her today and she asked me to go, I'd care less about her BF or the xH, or the kids. I'd see her as a beautiful, fun loving woman bxn long term-committed relationships. And I'd have some fun.

But I do have the history and the feelings associated with it. I will have to really work hard to move that stuff around. You did, however, give me something new to consider. Thanks!

Wow! I'm going to watch the outcome of this with bated breath.

I think it is impossible to have a platonic friendly relationship with an ex-spouse.

I also think that all contact should be strictly for and about the children, gift-giving included.

Please take into consideration how your kids are going to perceive this. Children of divorce get their hopes up over every little thing that goes on between their parents no matter what their age.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsed:
<strong> I think it is impossible to have a platonic friendly relationship with an ex-spouse. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not. I have a platonic, friendly relationship with my x-H.

It requires forgiveness and asking God to help you see them thru His eyes.

Maybe I should have added a bit more to that thought or been more clear because the word relationship can mean alot of things...

By relationship , I meant hanging out together, talking on the phone, going to concerts, giving each other gifts etc... I feel doing those things with an ex is setting the children up for disappointment.

I certainly believe that you can forgive them and be civil and even friendly, but dleightonc says he still loves her and their divorce is almost brand new and the children are very young.