We were married (still are but separated and divorce pending) for 11 years. He cheated, I couldn't forgive. He remained in contact with his affair, I finally told him to leave 9 months later. He filed for divorce 2 months later stating that it looks like we are not going to reconcile. Many problems, he resented me for having 2nd child, he wanted to play more but too much responsibility with 2 kids. I got 2nd job to pay new mortgage, he had to watch kids, resented it. I let him openly be friends with (ex?) affair We stopped talking about stuff, told him I didn't love him anymore, hated him. Kicked him out because of his temper and irrational behavior. He was beginning to get increasingly violent with me toward the end. I filed domestic restraining order after he filed for divorce because he would come over and force his way in the house to take things. He has court date coming up. We are now cordial with each other, we have children, very young ones. I tried to approach the possibility of getting back together, but I think he just hates me now, we didn't say a word to each other about it when we met for dinner with the kids. I am nice to him, he is cold to me. I wrote him an e-mail reflecting on our time together, he wrote me a mean e-mail in return accusing me of causing him to cheat. Is this a lost cause? Should I just forget it and move on?

living in oblivion,

What do you want ?. You could try to do "proper plan A", I don't think you can do plan B ... he has "hate words" b/f you kick him out plus w/ RO that he is into. The other choice is just let the whole thing go ... can you ?.

What plan A is to you ?.

-rh-

I wouldn't call it a lost cause, but you have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to try and save this.

ISBTH

I really don't think plan A or B would apply in my situation now. He lives on his own as far as I know, don't think he has a girlfriend. But we have been separated for 7 months so I really have no idea about his personal life at this point. We communicate because we have children together. Exactly how does one approach asking if the other would even entertain the thought of working it out with all that has occurred, without being completely put on the spot and possibly laughed at and humiliated if the answer is no?

I'm new to the group and hope joining will help me get through this time.

My H came home from deployment last Christmas Eve and told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me and wanted to be on his own. I didn't kick him out because I didn't want the kids to suffer so for the past 11 months until he deployed again at the end of Nov. we lived like strangers. He slept on the couch but spent time with the kids.

Prior to him telling me, I thought it was because of my weight (I knew he hated me being a size 16 but so did I). He deployed and I went down to a size 6.

When he told me it crushed me and then the strangest thing was a couple of hours after sleeping he comes downstairs and says "wow you look good" but that was it.

I've tried for the past 11 mths to show him what he will be missing. Not only me but two 4 yr olds that love him dearly. I never really saw the problems but now that I look back he never treated me very well (everyone else saw it but me). He's completely changed from being anal about everything to not caring about anything.

Here's the kicker, he wants us to live close by so he can come over whenever he wants to and thinks I one day will go into his arms and hug him like a friend. I told him I'm your wife and friend, I don't want to just be friends, so that won't ever happen.

I've conceded and am going to give him the divorce. He's major Midlifing and I'm lost but trying to stay in control for my kids.

As for living close by, he doesn't even know where his next orders are and I'm not moving until I am assured I have a job with the same pay as I make now.

Sorry this is long and rambles. Right now that's how I feel lost and rambling. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by living in oblivion:
<strong> I really don't think plan A or B would apply in my situation now. He lives on his own as far as I know, don't think he has a girlfriend. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why ? do you think your situation is diff ? ... LOL!.

What is plan A to you ?.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Robin32464:
<strong> I'm new to the group and hope joining will help me get through this time.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB and you could create separate thread so that we aren't thread-jacking <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Learn as much as you can about MB. It is standard that Plan A & exposure are the first order of biz (unless there is physical/verbal abused and/or chemical dependency). When plan A fails you go to plan B. Then you decide when to Dv.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by living in oblivion:
<strong> I really don't think plan A or B would apply in my situation now. He lives on his own as far as I know, don't think he has a girlfriend. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why ? do you think your situation is diff ? ... LOL!.

What is plan A to you ?.

-rh- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't plan A separating the WS from the A? I really don't believe H is seeing anyone now. So how would that apply? Plan B, well we have been separated for 7 months, he filed for the divorce. He has made no attempt to reconcile or even mentioned the possibility. What I am asking is how can I go about asking him if we even have a chance without making myself look like a complete idiot? I e-mailed him some info. from this site to see what kind of reaction I would get. He will probably receive it tomorrow. I saw him tonight when I picked up the kids from him. Again, he was very cordial. He treats me like I'm a business associate.

He came over on X-mas to watch the kids open gifts, again treated me like a business associate. Very polite, very formal, no emotion, no eye contact. Could it be that he is just done? We did try for 9 months to reconcile after his A, but I found out AFTER I told him to leave that he was still in contact with his A the whole 9 months. That's probably why we never were able to fix anything. Plus I was still very angry and upset that he had betrayed me.

I tried to go on as normal, but found myself being distant from him. He blamed me for him having the A, says I was not attentive to him (I had just had my 2nd child). Children are only 19 months apart. He was mad at me for getting pregnant the 2nd time, told me he only wanted one child because the 2nd interfered with his ability to do things like travel or go out with friends. He said because he felt we could not afford having the 2nd child and be able to go out and "party".

He says he is permanently damaged by the fact that I did not consult him about having another baby and will never forgive me for it,(he told me this AFTER the baby was born) but we had agreed to have 2 children even before we got married over 6 years prior. We are both well educated and have good jobs. But he did not want to ever try to progress in his job, was satisfied where he was even though it was entry level in his field.

When is it that you just give up?

LIO, I don't see what you have to lose by asking. Swallow your pride and ask. If he says no, then move on. My STBX asked me on Christmas day to reconcile, told me he would do anything for me to regain his trust and love. I asked him to tell me the extent of his A. He said they only had kissed and it was after we separated.

The D was almost final at that point and I was at peace finally. I considered taking him back until that very night that we had had a very nice talk, his OW called me and told me their supposed EA had been a 2 year PA....there is way more to this story than I care to write. Suffice it to say, the depth and magnitude of his A were too much for me at this point. I don't want to be involved in this anymore. My heart has healed....if I take him back, I'd hurt all over again and I don't think I can love him the way I would want to.

Anyway, my STBX has discovered that he waited far too long to suck up his pride and beg my forgiveness and dump the OW. You owe it to yourself to at least see what he says. Never let pride stand in your way.

The thing is, he has never apologized for his A. He told me i should have let it go and let him continue it, which I believe he wound up doing anyway even after the counselor advised against it. I found an e-mail from Feb 2004 about her, and supposedly he had broken all contact back in April 2003. All he pretty much did was mope around the house during that time and not participate in family activities. He would go to his friends house every weekend over 2 hours away and spend the weekend partying leaving me with the 2 babies, and the house cleaning and grocery shopping and laundry.

He still maintains that it was my fault he had an affair, that I forced him into it. And yet...he only claims to have kissed her once. Although the e-mails I read professed their deep and undying love to each other. I know they still see each other because they are affiliated with the same sports activities, but I don't know the level of their relationship now. She is (still?) married also I believe as I have researched the local divorce records and don't see any posted.
I just don't want to make fool of myself or have him degrade and insult me with him mean words again. I wish he could get over his anger but also take some responsibility for having the A.

What do I say to him? How do I say it? Can I use E-mail so if the answer is "nO' at least I won't have to face him in person?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by living in oblivion:
<strong>Isn't plan A separating the WS from the A?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes ... and working on M. If he still have contact w/ OW it is still A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>When is it that you just give up? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you know 10 years from now you could look at your self in the mirror and say I did my best.

IMVHO. You could try to ask but in you will get the same answer. You are confusing WH from H.

This is my suggestion if you still have the energy and the will to do it. Stop asking WH back and wait until H shows up and want to come back. You should focus on secondary benefit of Plan A ... which is to use this opportunity to chart off your life, better yourself w/ or w/o H.

-rh-

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: Amanda,P,33 ]</small>