Ok, I know a lot of you will probably want to take a 2x4 to my head and I am okay with that. I am in the process of getting a divorce and had a ONS last week. I don't feel guilty about it at all, I mean my STBXW has a boyfriend and all, it's just i wondered what the general consensus was about this behavior. I figure I told the woman I wasn't looking for a relationship and she said she was okay with that. As long as I am up front with them do you think it's alright?

ISBTH

Is a one night stand EVER "all right"? Whether you are single, never married, 20 or 60.....? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

wow.

I just think they are confusing...and in the realm of safe sex, probably risky...unless both of you used protection.

I just think it's safer to keep to one's self when a d is pending. She may have had sex with the OM more than you did with this OW, but sex outta marriage, if both partners are still married, is an affair any way you put it.

It's a brief way to escape sexual tension...but you could find alternatives.

I don't think it's right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by annasnewlife:
<strong> Is a one night stand EVER "all right"? Whether you are single, never married, 20 or 60.....? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not as long as both parties are aware of the situation going into it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justpeachy:
<strong> wow.

I just think they are confusing...and in the realm of safe sex, probably risky...unless both of you used protection.

I just think it's safer to keep to one's self when a d is pending. She may have had sex with the OM more than you did with this OW, but sex outta marriage, if both partners are still married, is an affair any way you put it.

It's a brief way to escape sexual tension...but you could find alternatives.

I don't think it's right. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are they confusing? I respect your opinion on this. Just wanted some clarification on why they are confusing. Especially since I told this OW I did not want a relationship and she answered Me either".

I am not sure...not sure at all about why you're even posing this question when you obviously have your own answer to it...if you're searching for a group hug on this one, I'd say it is a longshot.

At least you called her what she is...an OW. And that's that.

Nobody can change your mind. If you want to do that, then do that. But it is counterproductive to alot of MB principles that I hope you follow.

If somebody says they have no emotions with regards to intimate relations with you, then why have them at all? I don't get it.

If you want to do this then go ahead. I know my words will not change your mind, and I am not going to continue trying.

Just remember this...I am a female and have tons of female friends. I have a few who have indeed had one nighters in their past. And the myth about having no emotions about the other party is wrong. One of my friends really got hurt after a one nighter. She'd never do it again. Plus if you combine that with the hurt that comes from a divorce, then it just really doesn't make sense to me.

If you're "still better than her" then live like it I say.

Best wishes to you and I hope things go well.

One last note...I would add again that as a medical professional, I would not condone a one nighter at all...unless both parties utilized birth control and you wore a condom...Even then, nobody is completely safe from diseases.

That's why it's best to wait and find somebody special. Somebody you can trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by I'm still better than her:
<strong>Especially since I told this OW I did not want a relationship and she answered Me either". </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is b/c you could doesn't mean you should.

Why don't you change your handle to "I'm the same as her".

-rh-

OK-You don't feel guilty - since your STXW has a BF - But, exactly how did the ONS "feel"?

Is it allright??? Only you can answer that one...

Was the person S/M/D/???

Did you jeopardize their integrity or yours???

To me - why bother? Why take a risk??? IMHO - I want more for myself than a ONS...

Why would a person mainly a woman only want a ONS??? I can't imagine "needing sex" so badly that I would have it w/anyone that just asked me too...

Ok, that is what I was looking for. I appreciate the responses. I did feel that as long as both are consenting adults and as long as the air was cleared beforehand that there would be nothing wrong with it.

You are right, there are a lot of risks, STD's, unintentional emotional involvement by one or both parties. I can just take matters into my own hands <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> instead. Maybe for me right now it is a self esteem issue. My STBXW/WW got involvde with another man and I am looking to find someone to show me I can be desirable/lovable even if for only one night.

-RH-
I originally made my handle "no better than her" but changed it after thinking about it. I know I am still married, but I waited for the marriage to be doomed before I stepped outside. Does that make it any better, I guess that is up for debate. I know I am not going to lose sleep over it, since my WW doesn't seem to be doing so.

Thanks for the replies.

ISBTH

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: I'm still better than her ]</small>

Interesting name choice. It's rather defensive, don't you think? It comes across as something like "even though I've done certain things, I can assuage my guilt feelings by reminding myself that my wife has done certain other things which I think are worse."

Personally, I would rather concentrate on the question of whether I am being and becoming the best person I can be, rather than on the question of whether I am better than my (ex-)wife.

My personal opinion is that one-night stands are stupid, shallow, destructive of both parties, and indicative of a lack of respect for self and others as well as a lack of appreciation for the role of sex in intimacy. Using one's sexuality in this way is much like using a piano as a piece of living-room furniture; the piano may "function" in that way, but that is not its intended purpose.

My opinion aside, though, I've never understood the kind of logic which allows one to believe that adultery isn't cheating if one arbitrarily declares that one's marriage is "over." That makes about as much sense to me as the prostitutes in some Islamic areas who get temporarily "married" for a few hours so that their liaisons can be somehow legitimized.

If you don't take marriage seriously, that's your business I suppose. But if you're not going to take marriage seriously yourself, then what basis do you have for being upset with your wife for not taking it seriously?

ooops, double post

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: I'm still better than her ]</small>

GDP,
Like I mentioned abouve I originally called myself no better than her, but changed that. You are right, I am really no better than her I appreciate your opinion. I see my thinking is flawed here. That's why I came here asking this question. My thinking lately has been flawed quite a bit by my situation. I do take marriage seriously and am lying to myself (and you all) by saying I don't feel guilty.

I hate what my life has become.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I just changed my name. Is this any better?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by I'm still better than her:
<strong>I hate what my life has become.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not about the mistake but what you do afterward define who you are.

Your WW gave you pain but it is your choice to learn, grow and be a better man w/ or w/o your WW. Don't victimized yourself.

Look back and check what are her complaint in M about you before her A ?. Fix it for your own sake and your next R.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by I'm still better than her:
<strong> I hate what my life has become.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're old life has just been ripped away. As much as that sucks, you have an opportunityto create whatever life you want.

Don't like the way you look? - Hit the gym.
Dead end job? - change your career, look for a better gig.
Not enough friends? - Make some.
Personality faults? - change them too.

Understand that right now, the world is yours, to make whatever you want of it. Take the step, become who you want to be. Everything else will take care of itself.

I'll just echo what redhat said: "It's not about the mistake but what you do afterward." It's also not about what your wife does, but what you do.

I don't know that I like your new name much better than your previous one, because you're still comparing yourself with your wife.

Figure out what kind of man you want to be, and then try to become that man regardless of how the people around you - including your wife - respond.

That's a large part of what Harley's "Plan A" is about, I believe. In one sense, it doesn't matter whether "Plan A" results in winning back a wayward spouse. It is still a success even if it "only" results in building one's own character.

One of the reasons I can say I have no regrets about having married my ex-wife, despite my losses, is that I know I am now a much better man than I otherwise would have been. No, I didn't always handle everything optimally, but on the whole I like who I have become. I am grateful for how God has used all that happened to show me and teach me things which will serve me well for the rest of my life.

By the way, don't be too hard on yourself for the "flawed thinking" bit. We are all guilty of that, I don't doubt, and sometimes only a more distant perspective - whether from a more objective observer or from our own hindsight once we are finally out of the crucible - can cut through the confusion.

Your willingness to examine yourself is very commendable.

You are still M'd until the DV is final.

2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 lefts do.

-ol' 2long

redhat, noonespecial,

you are right. Now is the time to take the bull by the horns and steer this life of mine in the right direction. I just don't know if I have the inner strength to do that.

GDP,
Thank you for this comment. "your willingness to examine yourself is very commendable"

That really is what I am trying to do. If I came off as arrogant in my original posts I appologize. I just want to know if I am making further mistakes that I may not be aware of at the moment. My life is spinning out of control. I filed for D, but still love my WW. She is deep in the A and refuses to give up her OM. I think they are thinking marriage, not that she would admit that to me, but I saw she was looking up wedding rings on the internet the other day. I just want to let go of the pain, but can't. I know my M is over, I don't even know if I would want my WW back if she came to her senses, but my feelings for her are there none the same.


Here are some websites I have read to try and help me let go of the hurt. Any other suggestions?

http://www.divorceasfriends.com/healhurt.html
http://www.enter.net/~ronblue/howtoletgo.html
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
1. Don't invest time, money or energy into a dead relationship. You have to be sure it is dead. The relationship has to be dead in your own mind. You can't live in the past. You can't have what you use to have. It will never be the same again. You have to know that it is over to let go.

2. Set a reasonable fixed deadline and live with it regardless of the consequence. Right or wrong live with your decision. Don't look back. You may protest that your relationship is a lifelong relationship in accordance with your religion. The reality of the situation is that they are not with you and you are not with them. You know you must let go but emotionally you are having difficulty letting go. We can determine what we feel by choosing
what we think. You are not a failure if you let go. You will be a failure if you don't let go if they are gone.

3. You have to let go to survive, to grow and become. The pain of letting go helps you become the person you want to be. The only thing that is certain is change. You have the right to be treated with respect and dignity.

4. To let go you can not feel guilty. To let go you must truly love the person and allow them their freedom. They have a right to leave, right or wrong. If you believe that this rewards them for wrong behavior you are correct. But anything that keeps coming up that makes you think about them will keep you from letting go. Letting go has to be your number one goal. When you try to make them angry or they try to make you angry then you want the other person to feel guilty. This means that you have not let go. You must chose without guilt or remorse how you will live your life without you partner. You are responsible for your choices.

5. Stop keeping a record on the other person's point of view. Our memories of the positive are so strong they must be temporally over come by thought control. The positive thoughts will come back because memory is a weighted average interaction with the present. So don't worry that you will destroy the positive memories. What will happen is that they will be viewed differently as a part of your life that made you the person you are.
Write down only the negative about your partner. Write down only what you will get if you let go. Read these list every day out loud.

6. Become secure in the idea that a new relationship is better that an old relationship or no relationship is better than an old relationship.

7. To let go you have to defend yourself fairly. Build up your self esteem by saying out loud over and over again - I'm attractive, I'm cute, I'm loveable, I'm smart, I can do anything, my needs come first! I need only what I say I need. I need freedom from my x.

8. There is no gain in life without pain. The pain will make you change and grow.

9. Issues do not have to be settled to let go! Questions do not have to be answered to let go! Write down your questions and answer them yourself.

10. Determine what you are going to do not why you did what you did. Don't focus on the whys. Set a specific time table to accomplish your goals that you have written down. You do not have to be strong to write down what has to be done. Read your list every day. Say, I can because I think that I can.

11. Don't analyze. Experience and accept! You can not change the past. You can only change your future. Don't allow your what ifs, yes buts and shoulds to trap you into thinking about a dead relationship.

12. Use the following words to talk about your former relationship. My x ....., etc. Remove any articles that constantly remind you of your x.

13. One has to accept the reality of the loss. Talk to anyone that will listen. Do what you think is right. Remember people will only listen for a short period of time as you try to get your life back on track. Constant whiners will lose their help.

14. You must want to let go! Say over and over again, I want to let go; I can let go; I will let go; and I shall let go; Nothing will stop me from letting go! The relationship is over! It is finished! It is dead! What he or she is doing and thinking doesn't matter anymore! I am not responsible for them.

15. Get out of your rut. Pay the price to experience change. Buy new outfits. Try new things. Read self help books. Meet new people in church, grocery stores, bowling, college, Laundromats, and through friends. Go out even if you know you won't have fun. You can have fun if you think you can! Say over and over again - Boy, I having fun!

16. A new love is a sure fire way to let go. Your number one problem will be that you will expect too much in a new relationship. A true love is a person you can call a friend and would like to spend the rest of your life with. Any two people can make a marriage work, but one person can not make a marriage work.

17. Develop a consuming positive goal that is greater than your self. When you are lost in doing, you become.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Am I any better than her?:
<strong>Now is the time to take the bull by the horns and steer this life of mine in the right direction. I just don't know if I have the inner strength to do that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honestly, I don't believe I had that strength in and of myself. If it weren't for my faith in God, and being able to lean and wait on Him, I don't know what I would have done. As it was, my life during the divorce process largely consisted of persevering through a holding pattern, and it was only after the divorce was finalized that change and growth began to become apparent. (That doesn't mean development wasn't happening, any more than winter means that plants are dead. Roots grow in winter.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I just want to let go of the pain, but can't. I know my M is over, I don't even know if I would want my WW back if she came to her senses, but my feelings for her are there none the same.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never learned how to let go of the pain. I never learned how to kill the feelings I had for my (ex-)wife. I still love her, and I believe I always will.

But I no longer want her back. Feelings are not a sound basis for choosing to sacrifice yourself, when everything you know leads you to believe that the sacrifice will be in vain. If my ex-wife decided she made a mistake in leaving me, and demonstrated an apparent willingness to learn what it would take to build a healthy relationship along with a determination to put in the necessary effort, I would consider trying again with her. But I don't know what I would eventually choose to do in that situation.

There are some things it's good to let go of. It's necessary to let go of one's dependency on a wayward spouse. I believe it's best to let go of any expectation or fantasies of reconciliation. And if you're hanging onto pain - picking at the scab, so to speak - well, that's obviously bad.

But, some things you just need to accept.

Like pain.

If you got in an accident and lost an arm, would it do you much good to try to "let go of the pain"? I don't think so! When you are wounded, it hurts! You can try to find an anasthetic if you want to, or you can focus on the bitterness of your loss; but in the end the only healthy thing to do is to recognize that, yeah, it hurts, but you've still got two good legs and another arm, and you're going to get up and go on with your life.

Same thing with the feelings. The only way I could think of to try to kill the feelings I had for my wife was to cultivate hatred for her. But that seemed to be a case where the cure is worse than the disease. Hatred is always self-destructive.

So what can you do? What else is there but to acknowledge your feelings and then go do what's right anyhow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Here are some websites I have read to try and help me let go of the hurt. Any other suggestions?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No suggestions, but...in my opinion, the quote you provided is quite a mix of good and bad advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. Don't invest time, money or energy into a dead relationship. You have to be sure it is dead. The relationship has to be dead in your own mind. You can't live in the past. You can't have what you use to have. It will never be the same again. You have to know that it is over to let go.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2. Set a reasonable fixed deadline and live with it regardless of the consequence. Right or wrong live with your decision. Don't look back. You may protest that your relationship is a lifelong relationship in accordance with your religion. The reality of the situation is that they are not with you and you are not with them. You know you must let go but emotionally you are having difficulty letting go. We can determine what we feel by choosing what we think. You are not a failure if you let go. You will be a failure if you don't let go if they are gone.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This one I'm not sure about. There is some validity in the statement "We can determine what we feel by choosing what we think," although it's not quite so direct a process. But choosing what you focus on is not the same thing as choosing what you believe, and there are some ideas it just takes time to adjust to. (That necessity for adjustment is, after all, what the "Five Stages of Grief" are all about.) When your head knows what you need to do despite what your heart says, then yes, try not to look back too much. But if your head still has doubts, then I'm not so sure it's a good idea to rush things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. You have to let go to survive, to grow and become. The pain of letting go helps you become the person you want to be. The only thing that is certain is change. You have the right to be treated with respect and dignity.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Huh? How does the pain of letting go help you become the person you want to be? You become the person you want to be by doing the things you believe you ought to do. I don't know what they're trying to suggest here. And as for having the right to be treated with respect and dignity...well, to some extent, I think that that "right" has to be earned. But if they mean that you shouldn't allow yourself to become a co-dependent doormat or punching bag, I'd certainly agree: that's no good for anybody.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4. To let go you can not feel guilty. To let go you must truly love the person and allow them their freedom. They have a right to leave, right or wrong. If you believe that this rewards them for wrong behavior you are correct. But anything that keeps coming up that makes you think about them will keep you from letting go. Letting go has to be your number one goal. When you try to make them angry or they try to make you angry then you want the other person to feel guilty. This means that you have not let go. You must chose without guilt or remorse how you will live your life without you partner. You are responsible for your choices.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pretty good stuff here, on the whole. I don't know about they having a right to leave, but they certainly have the ability, and that has to be accepted. I don't quite agree that "letting go has to be your number one goal" because that still focuses too much on what (who) you have to let go of. In my opinion, your number one priority has to be doing the right thing regardless of whether you have "let go" emotionally yet. It's true that you have to take responsibility for your choices, but depending on what those choices are or have been, it may actually be appropriate to feel guilt or remorse. In that case, it's best to seek forgiveness if possible. (If it's not possible, it's best to move on). On the other hand, false guilt is common in these circumstances, in which case you need to acknowledge the feelings but remind yourself that they are just feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">5. Stop keeping a record on the other person's point of view. Our memories of the positive are so strong they must be temporally over come by thought control. The positive thoughts will come back because memory is a weighted average interaction with the present. So don't worry that you will destroy the positive memories. What will happen is that they will be viewed differently as a part of your life that made you the person you are. Write down only the negative about your partner. Write down only what you will get if you let go. Read these list every day out loud.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't really like this advice. Focusing only on the negative is likely to breed anger and hatred. I preferred to remember both the negative and the positive, in an effort to find a more objective perspective. I attempted to get the appropriate distance by reminding myself "That was then, this is now."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">6. Become secure in the idea that a new relationship is better that an old relationship or no relationship is better than an old relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This makes no sense to me at all. A healthy relationship is better than no relationship is better than a destructive relationship, but whether a relationship is "new" or "old" has no bearing on whether it is good or not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">7. To let go you have to defend yourself fairly. Build up your self esteem by saying out loud over and over again - I'm attractive, I'm cute, I'm loveable, I'm smart, I can do anything, my needs come first! I need only what I say I need. I need freedom from my x.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah, the power of positive thinking! But...what if you're lying to yourself? If you're going to "defend yourself fairly" you have to be objective. If there are things you need to work on, admit it to yourself, and then work on those things.

I also don't like the "my needs come first" self-talk. I prefer asking "what does love require of me?" In cases like this, love requires "allowing" the wayward spouse "freedom."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">8. There is no gain in life without pain. The pain will make you change and grow.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Baloney. There is gain in life without pain sometimes. And pain itself isn't what makes you change and grow; it's what you do in the face of pain that molds you, whether it's positive or negative change.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">9. Issues do not have to be settled to let go! Questions do not have to be answered to let go! Write down your questions and answer them yourself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes it's the questions themselves you have to let go of.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">10. Determine what you are going to do not why you did what you did. Don't focus on the whys. Set a specific time table to accomplish your goals that you have written down. You do not have to be strong to write down what has to be done. Read your list every day. Say, I can because I think that I can.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good advice, I think. Although, I never said "I can because I think that I can." I said, "I can because God knows this is what I need to do, and He will give me the strength to do them."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">11. Don't analyze. Experience and accept! You can not change the past. You can only change your future. Don't allow your what ifs, yes buts and shoulds to trap you into thinking about a dead relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Um...you mean I shouldn't try to learn from my experiences? Analysis can be extremely helpful. Over-analysis can be extremely wearing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">12. Use the following words to talk about your former relationship. My x ....., etc. Remove any articles that constantly remind you of your x.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good advice, except that your spouse isn't your ex until after the divorce is finalized.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">13. One has to accept the reality of the loss. Talk to anyone that will listen. Do what you think is right. Remember people will only listen for a short period of time as you try to get your life back on track. Constant whiners will lose their help.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two things help with this. First, get your support broadly, so that you don't dump on any one person too much. Second, get involved with doing other things so that you will have other experiences to share with your friends.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">14. You must want to let go! Say over and over again, I want to let go; I can let go; I will let go; and I shall let go; Nothing will stop me from letting go! The relationship is over! It is finished! It is dead! What he or she is doing and thinking doesn't matter anymore! I am not responsible for them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heh. I think it may be better to "let go" of the need to "let go." It's going to take time, so let yourself have the time without getting all in a tizzy about it.

It is good advice to remind yourself that "what he or she is doing and thinking doesn't matter anymore." It took me a whole year after my wife left for it to occur to me that I was no longer subject to her approval in my decisions. It was an important realization.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">15. Get out of your rut. Pay the price to experience change. Buy new outfits. Try new things. Read self help books. Meet new people in church, grocery stores, bowling, college, Laundromats, and through friends. Go out even if you know you won't have fun. You can have fun if you think you can! Say over and over again - Boy, I having fun!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just get out and do it. I don't think it's necessary to keep saying "Boy, I having fun" even with better grammar. Once you get home again, you will realize that you did have fun, or at least kept your mind otherwise occupied for a while.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">16. A new love is a sure fire way to let go. Your number one problem will be that you will expect too much in a new relationship. A true love is a person you can call a friend and would like to spend the rest of your life with. Any two people can make a marriage work, but one person can not make a marriage work.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is basically true, but it is dangerous to go this route too soon. Your number one problem is not that you will expect too much in a new relationship, but that you will bring too much baggage into it, and will both end up getting hurt. Give yourself time to disentangle and heal before developing a new relationship and go slowly. The new relationship will be the final nail in the coffin.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">17. Develop a consuming positive goal that is greater than your self. When you are lost in doing, you become.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, that's a good one.