Please help me rid this letter of venom. It was great to get these feelings off my chest, but I need a professional, factual note that I can CC to the Friend of the Court to document the violations of the order.

----------

January 8, 2005


Jackhole,

In the future, please give me at least one week notice before changing your scheduled time with the children. You were aware well in advance that I intended to have the children this weekend, as it is the same every-other-weekend schedule we’ve had for three years. Yes, I had the children last weekend, but that was because of winter break and you had them two weekends in a row before that. I now have to pay for child care for Friday because I was not given adequate advance notice to change my schedule. I am willing to be flexible with you but consideration should be given to previous arrangements, such as the appointment with Dr. S that I had to reschedule.

It is my understanding that while it is not in violation of our custody agreement that you sought alternate psychological counseling for DS, you were in fact supposed to consult with me on this decision before he attended any appointments. Although you may choose not to respond to my letters, I have always informed you of upcoming appointments.

Is it your intention to undermine the counseling that DS has been participating in for several months? Why take him to yet another counselor rather than cooperate with the one he has a relationship with? If it is your opinion that DS does not have ADHD, I would have expected you to consult his pediatrician who has prescribed ADHD medication for him, or the psychologist who diagnosed him, rather than seek the opinion of a new professional with none of DS's medical or psychological background.

It would appear that you have been less than honest about your motives.

Frankly there seems little reason for DS's elevated levels of disrespect and anger upon returning to my house after spending time with you, other than to assume you are violating the order with parental alienation. Specifically I would like to address a comment DS made to me recently, after spending time with you. He said, “Dad hit you because you deserved it.” That is clearly inappropriate and I expect that as a father who does not want to raise a future spouse abuser, you will speak to DS about this.

Further, DS told me that I only changed schools from {old} to {new} because they have bus service and I was too “lazy” to drive him to school. Almost word for word what came from your lawyer this summer. It is extremely damaging to a child to run down his or her other parent and I urge you to attempt a more dignified approach to handling conversations with the children about me. You may be successful in making the children “hate” me in the short term, but when they grow up they will remember who was civil and who was bitter.

----------

As much as I'd like to give him a piece of my mind, I need all that I have left to deal with DS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

P.S. I didn't want to change weekends, but what choice do I have? Call the cops and have them do nothing once again?

xp,

I feel for ya. No one ever said that co-parenting would be easy. I have been divorced nearly 3 years now, separated about 1 1/2 years prior to D and it is getting easier as time goes by.

The biggest lesson to be learned is NEVER to put the kids in the middle. They get jerked around enough. I have had to do damage control on many occasions, especially early on, in order to keep my DD out of emotional harms way. Her mother is the poster child for Nutz*R*Us.

I have learned these two valuable lessons regarding parenting schedules:

Rule #1: Stick to the court appointed parenting schedule.
Rule #2: XS is undependable. Alter the court appointed parenting schedule at your own risk.

Your letter is full of accusations, disrespect and hear say. I would chuck the entire thing. Never argue in writing. Anything you put in writing can be used against you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is my understanding that while it is not in violation of our custody agreement that you sought alternate psychological counseling for DS, you were in fact(refer to court order) supposed to consult with me on this decision before he attended any appointments. Although you may choose not to respond to my letters, I have always informed you of upcoming appointments.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a valid point and should be discussed, not penned.

I posted the following several months ago. I hope it can be of some use to you and/or your XH.

**************
I keep this little "reminder" in a place where I am sure to see it every day. It serves as a constant reminder of what's really important when a Mom and Dad are no longer together under one roof.

It's called "A Child's Bill of Rights in a Divorce." I suppose much of it can be used in any situation when a Mom and Dad are no longer together.

"I have the right..."

* To be told that my mother and my father still love me and will never abandon me.

* To be told that the family break-up is not my fault, and not to be told about the adult problems that caused it.

* To be considered as a human being, and not as another piece of propety to be fought for, bargained over or threatened.

* To have decisions about me based on what is in my best interests, not on past wrongs, hurt feelings or my parent's needs.

* To be allowed to love both my father and my mother without being forced to choose or feel guilty.

* To know both my father and my mother through regular and frequent involvement in my life.

* To have the financial support of both my father and my mother.

* To be spared having to listen to bad, hurtful comments about either of my parents which have no useful purpose.

* To be a child, and not to be asked to tell a lie or act as a spy or send messages between parents.

* To be allowed to have affection for the other people who may come into my life without being forced to choose or feel guilty or being pressured.

I try to recognize these "rights" every day so that my daughter can be equally loved and parented by her Mom AND her Dad even though we live apart. Even though her parents may have their differences, I try my best to make sure that the differences have a minimal effect on her life.
**************

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Princess,

I say just leave out all the unnecessary details and explanations.. You don't need to justify yourself.
..............

January 8, 2005


Jackhole,

In the future, please abide by the same every-other-weekend schedule we’ve had for three years. I was not given adequate advance notice to change my schedule. I am willing to be flexible with you but consideration should be given to previous arrangements.

It is my understanding that while it is not in violation of our custody agreement that you sought alternate psychological counseling for DS, you were in fact supposed to consult with me on this decision before he attended any appointments.

DS has been participating in counseling for several months and I feel it would be in his best interest to cooperate with the one he has a relationship with.

It would appear that you have been less than honest about your motives.

Some comment DS made to me recently, after spending time with you. were clearly inappropriate and I expect that as a father you will speak to DS about this.

It is extremely damaging to a child to run down his or her other parent and I urge you to attempt a more dignified approach to handling conversations with the children about me.

I sense and feel your upset and frustration.

I would address all issues as facts in any letter. If "Jackhole" senses your frustration, he will simply continue to do these things as a way of engaging with you and pushing your buttons...that seems the intent....so....my 2 cents worth.......

Jackhole,
I would appreciate that the next time weekend parenting schedules are changed, I be given a weeks notice to ensure that our children are not confused about whose home they will be staying at. Timely notice will also allow scheduled appointments and child care to be rescheduled without repercussions to our children.

I feel it is in our sons best interests that he continue seeing the professionals who are already involved in his care. Should you believe that other health care professionals can provide an alternative diagnosis and follow up counselling, I welcome working with you to ensure our son's needs are best met. Please do not hesitate to communicate with me in advance if any of your plans for this differ to those that exist. I will advise you at any time I have information to share and will seek your input should you wish to participate.

I am sure neither of us would want our son to grow up believing that disrespectful behaviour to either of us is healthy. I hope you will work with our son in ensuring that his behaviour to both his parents is consistently respectful.


........and pigs will fly if your X actually cooperates and behaves as the father to your children they deserve.
I have learnt that when I give pointers to what is a problem, then that is simply escalated as working to frustrate me by using the kids..............can you not get 100% decision making for you son's care?

Just the facts and only the facts.
I write letter constantly, and never get responses to any letters. I fax them so I have confirmation they were received.
I have 3 friends who edit the letters to ensure there are no disrespectful judgements or demands.

I think Wish had some good ideas. But if you didn't want to give into his demand for time, why did you? Just respond with "this is my parenting time". My X, if he pushed it, would then say "ok, then I'll take this as vacation time". Fine, we are both allowed to do that (up to the limit).

Set boundaries. Your X doesn't care that it costs you money for childcare. In fact, he likely enjoys that.

Write any letter as you would to someone with whom you do business. From a third person point of view with no emotions.
Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong>But if you didn't want to give into his demand for time, why did you?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had no choice. He has done this before. He will just show up at the school to pick up the kids. If I am there and say he is not to take them, the police will be called. The police have nothing to go by as to which weekend is whose, and can do nothing. The kids sit in a room while the police interview my ex and I separately. We are urged to cooperate and settle this between us.

I will spare the kids and the school staff the joy of having the police intervene. It isn't pretty.

What would you do?

I know many X's will exert their "power". You are afraid to call the police. Mainly because of the impact on the kids.
Can you give the school a schedule of the weekends, then let them know that unless they hear otherwise from you - not to release the kids to their father on your weekends without a written note from you.

It wasn't me but the previous school that called the police when I tried to leave with my children. My ex wasn't even there to pick up the kids, his parents were. Imagine a school not letting a child go with his parent!!

I literally had no warning that XH was going to pick them up this past Friday other than him saying to the kids Wednesday night as they left his house "See you Friday" ... I questioned him on it as it was my weekend ... he started in about how I had them New Year's weekend and how HE 'gave' me extra time during winter break (not) and was clearly going to turn it into an issue. I won't argue with him in front of the kids and drove off.

If he hadn't made that comment, I'd have shown up to after school care to pick up my kids at 5:30 and panic would have ensued upon finding out that they weren't there ...

He is just impossible.

Boundaries!

And get a backbone in dealing with him.
Stop acting from a point of fear, act from a point of love for the kids.

And who gets your kids this weekend? Did you work that out yet?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had no choice. He has done this before. He will just show up at the school to pick up the kids. If I am there and say he is not to take them, the police will be called. The police have nothing to go by as to which weekend is whose, and can do nothing. The kids sit in a room while the police interview my ex and I separately. We are urged to cooperate and settle this between us.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I am past the point of police involvement, I still carry a copy of the divorce papers in the glove box of my car. These papers are proof of the parenting schedule and with whom the children should be with at the time. Without them, the police cannot help you.

A judge will tell you the same thing the police did. "Work it out." That is why you should stick to the parenting schedule and only alter from it when it is absolutely necessary. The police AND the judge will enforce it.

If you and your XH cannot learn to co-parent, your chilren will always be in the middle of your tug of war.

One of you needs to develop a level of maturity to parent and protect your children effectively. I would hope that you would be you. You can set the example for your XH to follow.

I guess I'm not sure how to stick to boundaries that are not enforceable. He's never respected me or the law in the past, why would he start now?

He took the kids this past weekend (not his weekend). I cannot afford to go to court every time he's a jerk! Friend of the Court is no help. Law enforcement is no help. Even if we go to court, I get another piece of paper signed by a judge that means nothing more to my ex than the other pieces of paper he disregards. I'm dealing with an abusive person who hates me. I don't need to pay an attorney money to find that out again.

Boundaries? Well, I've become awesome at remaining calm while he hurls insults and lies at me in person or over the phone. My personal boundary of not letting him see me 'blow up' is intact. Good Lord he tries though. He does not dare get in my face and I have not felt physically threatened by him since we separated. (We are never, EVER alone together out of public view. He doesn't come in my house; I don't go in his.) So my personal boundary of safety is intact.

I can only control so many boundaries. Anything that is not exceedingly specific in the order (such as winter break) becomes a battleground. It took weeks and a ridiculous amount of negotiating to settle on an equal split of time, since the order doesn't say we split winter break "equally" just that we split it.

I have been given the impression that in Michigan, I would need concrete evidence of a serious threat to the children in order to get sole legal custody, which still wouldn't solve things like the winter break mess, or the fact that he'll do what he wants with the kids anyway. (Like taking DS to a new psychologist without consulting me.)

I have the boundaries issues too, and the winter break issue. So I decided to get proactive this year.
X plans nothing in advance, nor does he answer my letters. I wrote to him in March to say that I wanted the Winter break split in half this year.
I fax letters to him as proof of communication, and get no response. So as the year progressed, I continued to mention Winter Break in letters (broken down by topic) and still heard no response.
So as it got closer, I told him what time I'd be taking (1/2) of the holiday and when I'd be taking it. And said I needed a response from him since I needed to book the plane reservations.
No response, so I booked it.
On the dropoff before Christmas, I asked him about the holiday schedule. He said "I'm not happy about it". Me: "Oh, I wouldn't know that because you didn't communicate with me to let me know otherwise. As per my written letters I will pick up the kids at X at xtime."
And trust me, if he had pulled any stunts, I would have been prepared with the letters.
Your X still operates as if you are afraid of him.
Time to change your ways.

And trust me, my friends edit these letters alot, although I am getting better. Now I have two versions to send to him. What I really want to say, and the business like letter with the facts. The first version just helps me get it out of my head.
It's a lifelong battle, find a way to make it easier.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong>Now I have two versions to send to him. What I really want to say, and the business like letter with the facts. The first version just helps me get it out of my head.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's kind of what I'm trying to do. Write my anger out, then edit the anger out.

My anger eraser isn't working on this one though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I need something I can CC to Friend of the Court, especially since I'm moving across the county line and will have a new caseworker and such.

It's hard isn't it.
Uggh. Times like this remind us of why we are no longer married to the person, and are glad about that.

Just keep to the facts only. Keep a parenting journal too with dates and times of contact.
For example, on Jan. 2, 2005 I found out from DS that X was taking him to new counselor. Called X on 1/4 to discuss this issue, but no phone calls returned.
I learned X took DS on 1/7 without my knowledge.

These are the types of things you can send to friend of the court.

Thanks for responding. I worked on this before I saw your latest.


Mr. Humperdinck,

In the future, please give me at least one week written notice of any parenting time schedule conflicts. You informed me January 5 that you intended to switch weekends to have the children the weekend of January 7-9. We have had the same alternating weekend schedule for three years. I had the children New Year's weekend, but that was because of the winter break agreement we negotiated, and you had them two weekends in a row before that. I am willing to be flexible with you but consideration should be given to previous arrangements, such as child care and bussing, and our son's Saturday appointment.

It is my understanding that while it may not be in violation of our custody agreement that you sought alternate psychological counseling for our son, you should have consulted with me on this decision before he attended any appointments. Although you may choose not to respond to my letters, I have always informed you of upcoming appointments.

Dr. X has not returned my calls. Please forward a signed release of information form so that Dr. X's evaluation can be shared with Dr. P, Dr. S and Dr. H.

Some disturbing comments have been made to me by our son that would lead me to believe that you are not complying with the divorce order. It is extremely damaging to a child to speak ill of his or her other parent. I should not be hearing about conversations you've had with your attorney about me from our son.

Please note that I will be moving in two weeks. My new address is below.

Buttercup

Newly’s edits

Mr. Humperdinck,

In the future, please give me at least one month’s written notice of any request for parenting time changes. You informed me January 5 that you intended to switch weekends to have the children the weekend of January 7-9, my scheduled weekend.

I am very concerned that you sought alternate psychological counseling for our son, without consulting me before he attended any appointments. I have tried to contact Dr. X, but he has not returned my calls. To facilitate effective co-parenting of our children, I would like to meet with Dr. X prior to any additional visits. Therefore, I request that you do not take DS to Dr. X until that time. Additionally, please forward a signed release of information form so that Dr. X's evaluation can be shared with son’s current doctors Dr. P, Dr. S and Dr. H.

Please note that I will be moving in two weeks. My new address is below.

Buttercup

PARTS DELETED FROM THE LETTER AND WHY.
(You are preaching and explaining to someone who doesn’t care. PS, in my divorce decree, vacation must be requested 30 days in advance. I do more than that)
We have had the same alternating weekend schedule for three years. I had the children New Year's weekend, but that was because of the winter break agreement we negotiated, and you had them two weekends in a row before that. I am willing to be flexible with you but consideration should be given to previous arrangements, such as child care and bussing, and our son's Saturday appointment.

(Doesn’t matter, he doesn’t believe in paper – right).
It is my understanding that while it may not be in violation of our custody agreement

(PB, I know you want this to occur, but keep the note focused on specific acts/actions. The following can be sent in a future letter in which you enclose a copy of the Children’s Bill of Rights. This letter is the wrong venue. And the wording is very accusatory which would put him on the defensive.)
Some disturbing comments have been made to me by our son that would lead me to believe that you are not complying with the divorce order. It is extremely damaging to a child to speak ill of his or her other parent. I should not be hearing about conversations you've had with your attorney about me from our son.

We should write the letters with no emotion, as if to a distant coworker. No expectations.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: newly ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Some disturbing comments have been made to me by our son that would lead me to believe that you are not complying with the divorce order. It is extremely damaging to a child to speak ill of his or her other parent. I should not be hearing about conversations you've had with your attorney about me from our son.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sticking my nose in one more time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This paragraph really puts your son in a bad position. He wants to please both of you. The next time he faces his dad, he can expect to be scolded for sharing TMI with you. He is bounced back and forth between the two of you like a ping pong ball.

Kids will eventually use this to their advantage and start pitting you and XH against each other. Sometimes to get something they want and other times to distract you from their poor behavior.

My kid used to go back to her mother and get interogated about the weekend at dads to the point of tears. I had a hell of a time getting her mother to back off the poor kid.

When my kid would come over and start a sentence with "Mom said..." I would cut her off mid sentence. I don't want to hear it.

It takes two to fight. You don't have any obligation to your XH anymore. You do have an obligation to your kid. Until one of you steps up and assumes the role of parent, you will continue fighting.

Newly, I really like your edits and I see why they are made.

Should I write another letter for Friend of the Court outlining the order violations and/or my concerns?

They won't do anything, but it would be on file for any future action.

I learned the hard way about documenting this crap. Years of physical and emotional abuse, and the only thing "on record" is his protection order against ME. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Buttercup-

quite the frustration huh?

I've been reading at your posts, i noticed soemthing you said- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been given the impression that in Michigan, I would need concrete evidence of a serious threat to the children in order to get sole legal custody</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With my case, and yeppers here in MIchigan, there was no concrete evidence of any threat. Yet, i was granted sole physical custody.

W/o an attorney as well, i went up against her attorney- who went years to school, and i only spent a few months in the family laws books-- roflmao lol

sorry, i was somewhat proud of myself,, although at the same time it was bothersome.

Michigan uses the point system, and i scored the vast majority of the 11 or 12 points- although at the same time, the points can in some cases mean nothing,,,
just felt like mentioning this,, hoping maybe it can be of some help??

The children, they are the real loosers though- and it's quite sad--too sad.

Good luck
stever

Well, I gave him the letter exactly as newly left it. (Okay, I changed the names. *G*)

I dropped it off last night when I picked up the kids, as well as a stack of papers and questionnaires from the neuropsychologist that DS is seeing Monday after next.

That is, IF my XH signs and returns the form stating that he consents to the evaluation!! See, I get a doc that does things RIGHT and he finds one that not only didn't get my consent but won't return my calls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am considering undertaking the battle for sole legal custody if he stands in the way of this neuropsych exam, on the grounds that he is witholding medical treatment. Hopefully at this point I've got enough ammo.