What's it like to start over in your mid 30s on with a child? I'm likely heading down the road to a divorce after years of trying, and I have an 8 month old baby. I can't even begin to imagine dating again. I was so independent in my 20s, didn't marry until 32 and was married the past four years. I'm doing the poor, poor pitiful me thing while I'm separated. I'm living at a nice corporate suite and need to apartment shop, i can't even get mself to do that. I can't face that I'm going to be single again, but it's better then a marriage with ongoing abuse, if only for my child. Just wondering if there's a life after all of this. Will I look back and know why I went through this. Will God grant me a chance to start over at mid life? Or will I be alone for the rest of my life?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by horsey:
<strong> Will I look back and know why I went through this. Will God grant me a chance to start over at mid life? Or will I be alone for the rest of my life? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, someday you will look back and know why you went through this.
Perhaps it will be the same reason I went through an abusive M.
It was what you had to do at the time .

God IS granting you a chance, though I don't think you are starting over. You are continuing on.
You have a wonderful job. You have a beautiful son.
A lot of folks don't have either of those things.

As for being alone the rest of your life.
I doubt you will.
At first I thought I wanted to be alone, and I was for many years.
By choice.
After my abusive M, I did not trust men and I did not trust me to not make another bad choice.

Fortunately, like you, I had a good paying job and more importantly,
the ongoing love of my life, my daughter.
So for years we had our own little HAPPY, PEACEFUL family....just her
and me and the our puppy.

And you can do that too, Horsey.
If you choose to.

Good luck.

Olyvia

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Olyvia ]</small>

Great!
I'm a more confident person than I was in a bad marriage. I've learned that I could survive the divorce, and other things look minor in comparison. I have a great group of friends - the base from a divorce support group - with children and we support each other emotionally, and go out and have fun together.
I don't want my married life back - it was unhappy. I am content with myself, and with my parenting skills and believe I can give my children a better life than they would have had in a bad marriage.
There is a bright side to this. Focus on the positives rather than the negatives.

Ok, I went to the store today and bought little household things - for my hotel room, for my baby and I. It was insane, I bought paper plates and plastic silverware and IT WAS MINE. I didn't go home to a husband asking, why did you buy this or that, questioning my every move to prove he was all so important and so much smarter then me. As simple as life is this week in our hotel room, my little boy and I are having a nice time. I can BREATHE again, I haven't been able to in a few years. RELAX, feel at PEACE.

My mom said if I left him I'd wonder why I hadn't done it earlier, years ago, why I put up with it so long. I found a book, When Love Goes Wrong, about controlling me and the quest to change them, hope they change, etc. I'm in that book, IT"S ME and MY HUSBAND, his controlling ways and how I've blamed myself, as HE wants me to. I had ENOUGH over and over again, tried to move out a number of times. He laughed at me three weeks ago, saying I'd never leave him as I "had it made" with him, in our big 600k house and he did "oh so much for me..." REALLY, I told him, WATCH ME. As he pushed me around not only did I leave, I called the police first and slammed him in jail. Sometimes the past three weeks I have felt bad, but he CHOSE to be an ongong controlling pig to me, getting worse and worse since a baby. Hammering on me after a move, a baby, a dying father and running a business - telling me over and over that I was lazying, can't do anything, etc. I am a workaholic and a good mom, but he was cutting me down at what I do best, keeping me constantly mad so he could have control over me. He said I couldn't make it on my own, what a jerk...

Now what's he doing in his big house all alone? He's cryed, I've seen it. Are the tears real? I cared some when I drove away a few days ago when I let him see the baby a day, he sat on the floor crying as I took the baby from him, crying like a little boy. The big man that pushed me around is now a little boy who can't control his emotions. Should I feel bad or not? I feel terrible that it came to this, that I didn't leave quietly as I could have a few years ago, a shrink told me this would happen if I didn't go, that there would be a day I'd do this. I thought it would get better, I kept the dream and the hope, the jerk didn't even deserve that I did. He knew I came from a good family and couldn't get divorced unless it was the last option, he took advantage of that and he thought he knew I'd never do it.

I did. And I"m alone at a hotel with my little boy for a month, paper plates and all. And I'm quite HAPPY not having someone in my face all the time cutting me down, criticizing me and draining all of my energy. I never thought I'd be a single mom, but it looks like that's the road I'm heading down. Yes, I'll look for the good in it... it's hard to see right now.

Horsey,

I have been keeping up with your posts. To tell you the truth......I KNOW you will find the strength in moving on with your life with you and your son. You have made good on your word, leaving your abusive husband. You should be an example for every one of us women who live in a abusive marriage/relatioship. I just wish I could have done this very thing; leaving when I threated to do so many times, but here I am still, living overseas in a foreign land with no family support.

You have given me hope that one day I will be free to buy paper plates and plastic utensils and not be reprimended or questioned!! You are still young with a new lease on happiness. I hope for the best for you and your young son. Maybe this is what your husband needed to see (the house being empty). I just know that somtimes we are allowed to go through what we go through, but God promised he doesn't give us more than we can tolerate. I know that might not be what you need to hear, but just keep focusing on what it is you want and need for you and your son right now. That is what I am doing, even though I stay here with my husband, I focus on me and the kids. Best of luck to you and thanks for the inspiration!!

Another good book to help you process everything is "The Verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans
It opened my eyes a great deal.

American Woman, wow, an inspiration with my paper plates and plastic silverware... that's something. Actually a Christian shrink told me a few years ago that I will have gone through this to help other people. No it's not really what I want to hear about how God doesn't give us more then we can handle and such, but part of what he said might be true. I have helped a few women even work on their marriages that were about to leave minus the abuse having gone on in my marriage. One emailed and thanked me, she was an employee of mine. I don't know why wisdom has to come from hard knocks but sometimes it does. Really you can leave, and you'll breathe fresh air if you do. It's the strangest feeling. I woke up this morning wanting to go for a jog, having energy despite lack of sleep with the baby - I'd blamed my tiredness on the baby, but it was long before the kid, really its' my husband draining me and it's so hard to be a good mother in an abusive marriage. I have always traveled a lot with the baby so I know the difference of being at home vs. on the road in a hotel with him. When I'm at home I've braced myself, felt constantly down, got angry easy and maybe even took it out on my little boy some. Sound familiar? You'll leave when you are ready, I think I was slowly leaving. Even as I unpacked our new house, I was sorting through everything, boxing, sorting, in the back of my head I was thinking I might leave and trying to declutter my possessions. I still have to go back and get my stuff. Right now I don't care, I don't need it. But when I'm done with a deadline for business in three weeks, I'll find an apartment and leave my cozy hotel (the music from the bar is a little loud but actually it's better then a husband yelling at me). Someone on this site said to think temporary, that moving out isnt' a bed of roses. I'll admit that I'm used to the high life, but everytime I think of where I am now vs then I think temporary. I'll rebuild my life, get some furniture that's mine and will workout, go to church, make new friends, take up new hobbies. Last night just out of curiousity I looked at singles websites, I know it's too early for that. But it made me feel good that there are men, right here in my town, some divorced, some never married looking for a real relationship. Men who are deeper then my husband I can tell just from their posts. I felt comfortable with the idea of dating, it's the first time I have, before when I tried to leave my husband the thought of another man made me sick. It'll be awhile until I;'m ready, maybe I can find a divorce support group to help. But now I know it's not all over...

Horsey ~ I'm following your progress with a prayer for you to keep strong! Stay focused on what you need to do to get better. Guard that lil guy with your best efforts!!! You're doing the right thing here.

Listen, while the world is chock FULL of bad guys (and bad women too for that matter), there are indeed some godly men out there who would cherish you & your son and give you full time love and caring -- not just a fake life full of stuff & fancy homes & the trappings of success without the real substance of a happy God-centered home & family that is very much filled with unselfish love.

I know. I'm one of those guys! And there's more out there like me. So press close to God. He knows how to sustain you right at this moment.

Here's a wonderful text from my morning devotions today:

PS 68:5,6 "A Father to the fatherless and a judge for the widows, Is God in His holy habitation. God makes a home for the lonely! He leads out the prisoners into properity. Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land."

He's setting you FREE from the prison of an abusive marriage Horsey! He will provide fatherly love for your boy. He will give you a home and prosperity! Only your abusive, mean WASband will dwell in the parched land of tears and self-inflicted loss of son and loving wife.

((((HORSEY)))) <-- A Hug for You!

High Flight

I'm only separated, so I'm not looking for someone, let alone dating. However, I love my new life. I too can breathe. Even if I will never have another romance in my life, I wouldn't trade my peace in.

On the other hand, I hear a lot about women who get remarried. My mother waited until she was over 50 to get remarried. Sooo, I don't think age is such a big factor any more.

WASband - I got a chuckle out of that.

Horsey, you'll make it. You're very courageous to do what you did. Much more courageous than I am. I give you a lot of credit.

And Geeze, I hope that there's hope to start again out there as a single mom!

I love my son more than anything, he's wonderful. But man am I exhausted.
(My husb. left 3 weeks after I gave birth)

Aron is now 4 1/2 months old. He still doesn't sleep more than 2-3 hrs at a time. Any suggestions?

Advice for Tess:
Ask for help. Many of us have been afraid to ask.
If you have friends or family, ask them to watch your son so that you can have an afternoon nap. And don't feel guilty about it. Sometimes we all need to recharge.
Friends always offer to help when there is a new baby, but many people are afraid to ask for help.

A friend had a great idea. She kept a running list on her fridge of all the tasks she needed to accomplish. If someone stopped over to see the baby and asked if they could help, she referred them to the list - that way they could choose and it would be less of a demand. I'm talking really basic stuff like wash dishes, sweep floor, fold laundry, take out trash.

Or trade time with another mother, just to have some down time.

ooh, I like that list idea Newly. I'll use that.

Yeah, I'm not one to ask for help. I always feel like I should be able to do anything I need to on my own. If a woman can raise a couple children, get a masters, and be elected as a senator etc. Than I feel like I have no excuse as far as being able to take care of my child, home, job, etc. on my own. Asking for help was always seen as a weakness in my family.
I guess I need to get over that one quick.

Horsey, I hope you're having a great day. Like I said you're very courageous. You'll make it.

Something I've been trying to stand on:

"I will restore what the locusts have eaten." - says the Lord.

I'm praying that God restore what has been ripped out of my life and then some.
I totally believe that for you. I don't know why but it's always easier to believe this for someone else than for myself.

horsey,
Hang in there. I too am in my middle 30's and have a child. At first I didn't think I could do it all on my own. I got married when I was 19....married almost 15 yrs. I wonder sometimes how I can do it all alone but then I look around and say "Hey, I'm doing it". You can too. It gets easier every day. I would rather be alone than to be with a man who has no respect for me.
Chin up...you will survive!!!

Unless your marriages are very different it's likely you were already working alone.
I was lonely throughout my M, and felt like a single parent most of the time as X took no responsibility for the house, kids, etc.

Now I feel like I have more time because I no longer have the third child (X) to care for. It's alot easier, and less emotionally draining.

Look at the bright side.

Hi Horsey,

I'm still fairly new at this (and I don't quite meet the mid-30s criteria as I am 28) but in my experience the whole "starting over" was not nearly as scary as it seemed.

Last Christmas my husband finally confessed to his affair. We were living out-of-province for (his) schooling, and he returned to our home (and his mistress) while I remained with my parents. I had been a stay-at-mom (with two part-time term jobs) since my daughter was born in 2001. I had a two year old and an eleven-month-old nursing baby. I had no home other than my parents', no job, no childcare and no child support. We had the three weeks of clothes we had brought for our Christmas "vacation" and that's it.

Your story of the paper plates made me so happy because that's exactly how I felt. I had "nothing" but it was MY "nothing."

I couldn't have done it without the people around me helping me - an amazingly supportive family, fabulous friends and a haven of a church family. But I still had to go out and do a lot of hard work. I got full-time daycare. I got two jobs. I rented a house.

One year later, I'm really, really happy. My husband and I have had several false recoveries (I filed for divorce last week), but in spite of it all things are going great. Having done so much on my own, I have come to be really proud of myself and to love myself. I've renewed interests and hobbies and spend lots of time doing things and spending time with people I love. (One side benefit of having no partner is that you get to invest any extra time left over after your babies are cared for on you!)

You will be okay. You have tons of things going for you. I hope you can lean on God and love your sweet baby. God's help and my amazing kids are what got me through this past year.

Blessings.

I was sitting here with my baby at another hotel on the internet working, decided to check out this website as I was feeling so down. Horribly wanting to call my husband. Last night I gave him a last chance he didn't even deserve, look if you want counseling YOU move out of the house three months, I'll move back in and we'll go see the Christian shrink that we met with after this mess a few weeks ago. Of course he didn't offer to move, he didn't feel bad that his wife and baby are at hotels, and that I looked for housing in his town and all I can afford are low end apartments there. So I said I'm moving back to the town we lived five hours away, with the baby as that's more affordaable and I do busineses there. Last night I drove until 11 pm to get here now I have to apartment hunt. Since I'm 5 hours from him maybe it's better, less tempting to try to work it out again, I'm so weary of the abuse and yes Highflight, there has to be nice men out there, but as other women say I prefer the peace to the hell in a marriage with such disrespect and selfishness, even if it's a hotel with silverware that's plastic. Ok, I splurged last night on a fancy suite as I was exhausted so it's luxury for a night, now another until I find a place. It seems so nice here but I didn't care when I stayed in not so nice hotels either. Ok, one day it was depressing and I gave in called my husband who's been thinking I'll just come home of course. Last night he cryed, begged to work it out with a counselor - but he's been a jerk and I'm tired. Maybe I'll stay separated a time and not go direct to divorce, I don't know. I told the counselor I don't even want to try counseling until I have a few weeks of complete space. This seems so sad for my little boy, I wish he had his father, but I wish he had a nice, loving, Godly father. Yes, this has been a very mean, selfish home of mine, four years of it. Certainly there has to be better out there, or no relationship at all is fine for me. I'm so tired, I need peace. My dad is dying of cancer, I have to fly home every month to deal with that, last night they found it's spread and will likely go fast. How dare my husband not be there for me during this, or even help with the baby? I was there for him when his dad died, we separated, I moved back in to support him, he'd never do that for me. He'd never even go to my home state for me, never has. It's all about HIM... and Him that I want my life to be about is God. Not some selfhis pig for a husband. Thanks for the input, I was having a bad day and this made me look up, this is a great supportive website.

Horsey, Just a quick note to let you know that I'm praying for you my friend. I care. I'm thinking of your situation & your son. Just know there are plenty of us right here who feel your daily pain & we care!!!

You're on the right path!

Moving further away is the right thing to do in my opinion. Make your own life and space.

Pampering yourself is healthy! Good for you!!

Hold that precious baby close! God has given you one of His own best gifts!! You are NOT alone! He NEVER will leave your side. He's the perfect Heavenly Husband!!!

He will sustain you through the cancer ordeal with your earthly father.

Here's my prayer for you:

Dearest Father God in Heaven. My friend, your daughter "Horsey" and her precious son need YOU! All of YOU!!! Every resource You can send from Heaven dear Lord. Please sustain them, keep them safe. Give answers to their questions and needs at this very difficult moment. Help her find the exact right place to live and recover from the evil done to her. I thank You Lord, that You have heard this prayer that I ask in Jesus' holy name. Amen!

High Flight

Horsey,

I haven't read all of the responses--but to let you know--that yes, there is life after divorce even with children--

Don't think you have to do it all alone--you don't--
get a support network that can help--it won't be easy but it can be done--

Work on yourself--to during this time--figure out why you thought you needed to stay in such an enviroment--it wasn't all about living in hope things would change--though I know that was a BIG part of it---I lived that way for years too--

think about why you felt you would be a failure for leaving in an abusive situation--how does that make YOU a failure?? It doesn't take a person of strength to stay and be abused--it does take strength to say I will no longer stay here and allow you to treat me like this--

And you said something that I think you may want to address as well---

"I can't face that I'm going to be single again, but it's better then a marriage with ongoing abuse, if only for my child."


Why only for your child??? Don't you believe YOU are worth more than that too??? Don't you believe YOU deserve to be treated with respect? So it's NOT only for your child--but for you--because YOU are worth more--

Thank you, yes I do think I'm on the right path but I'm always second guessing myself. A counselor said this man hurt my self esteem that it's hard for me to think things through logically. Especially when I'm tired and dealing with other issues in my life like the death of my father. I keep doing the "what if's" - if I hadn't done this, he'd have done that instead... I blame myself. But it can't be, this marriage made me very ugly. I'm not like that, I'm finding support in friends who have known me so long they saw me change in this relationship even before I married him. I've been having flashbacks about how awful he was to me while we were dating at times, things he said to me that were so rude. I broke up with him,, he'd cry, now I think the tears were all manipulation. I can't seem to motivate myself this morning. I think I have an emtpy apartment approved, I don't know how to even move. Most of my stuff is at my husband's. A friend said he'd help. It's going to be hard, it's like closing the door when I move isn't it? I dont' even want to go back to that house, I'm wearing the same box of clothes and I have a huge closet of them. I don't even care, all the designer labels that I loved and it doesn't matter to me. The huge house I don't even want. It is wrong to have to live in a house with such selfishness and meanness, why would God want me to stay, he doesn't does He? Everything in life tends to tumble down at once, there's an old folks saying, that things happen in threes so I should be done with my three after this mess. Anyways it's going to be Feb soon and then Spring, a nice time of year for a fresh start. Some day I will look back on this and know I made the right decision to leave, I know I will. I just don't know how to control my thoughts...

Horsey,

I am also asking our Father in Heaven To keep his hands on you and your son. Protect them and guide them during this ordeal. help her to focus on her mental state and allow her to make good choices for her and the childs well-being. And Lord, about her husband. Open his eyes and heart. Have him to see what he is doing to his family!! We ask this in the name of the Father and Son.... Amen.