How do you make agreements with your maybe to be ex, likely to be ex, when you are separated? We have a ten month old baby. I just moved five hours away from my husband and am getting an apartment. I'm not ready to immediately file for a divorce but I need space at least six months to decide for sure and likely it's going to be the big d. For my baby's sake I'd like him to be with his dad, but there has been some light violence, fighting and such in my marriage. I don't want the baby to be under that stress. Should my husband come to my place, stay at a hotel and see his child. Should I meet him halfway every other weekend or should I leave the baby with him a few days every other week while I do business near his town? I tried to get an apartment closer to him, but my husband wanted to argue and I knew we weren't at the point of helping each other with daycare and other issues that it would result in power plays between us. I've never been through this and never thought I would be. Is there such a thing as a legal separation and why would one do that? Should I quit being nice to my husband and not let him see his kid? Or sometimes I think I should just go file the divorce as it's likely inevitable with all that's gone on in this marriage?

In every state the laws are different; some have legal separation and some don't. In WA he have legal separation, which is EXACTLY like divorce except you are still married. Meaning, everything from child custody, support, and visitation to maintence and bill paying are decided.

I have no experience with any type of neglect or abuse in marriage, but of course am going to advise you NOT to put your baby in any danger whatsoever! Others will chime in here because many have had such experiences and can help you more.

It sounds as if you haven't decided for sure to divorce. If you haven't, then don't. Read things here and use this time to decide if you're marriage is worth saving and go from there. As I said, I'm sure other people will jump and offer more advice than I'm giving.

CM

Horsey,
I live in MO and the laws regarding legal separation are the same as in WA. You have to negotiate everything just like a D. It is all legally binding. The only difference is that you are still married when you're done. When I first wanted to try and save my M I counseled with SH and he reccommended I go that route first to try and shake things up. He wanted to get my W thinking.

I haven't read up on your situation but if your H is a good parent you should think about what kind of custody arrangement you could live with. I know it's hard to keep other emotions out of the mix but you need to for your child's sake. I have done a LOT of thinking and research on this issue since I have so many little ones. I have had full custody of them for the last two years (since my STBXW moved out) and am going to try and keep that permanent. The evidence I have seen leans toward having the kids be with one of the parents most of the time for stability. A place they can look to as there home. Then you can be as strict as you feel necessary with any visitation beyond what the court decides.

One thing I have been warned about is to be careful with the visitation arrangements during this "in between" time. Anything you agree to can be looked at by the court as precedent setting and work for or against you as the case may be. As long as you are setting up the arrangement for the right reasons it should work out pretty well for you no matter what happens with your M. GOOD LUCK!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by horsey:
<strong> How do you make agreements with your maybe to be ex, likely to be ex, when you are separated? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless you have no worries that your H is going to take your child or file for custody on his own I would suggest you consult with an attorney as state law will determine what your rights are.

Many states recognize separation and will issue a temporary custody order even if there is not a support order or legal separation.

Remember, posession is 9/10 of the law and if you allow H to take your child, he is not obliged to return him unless ordered by the court. He could potentially file for separation/divorce with custody in his favor that would only allow you visitation.

Good Luck.