For those of you who have known me, I am a Christian, married my XW when she was a Christian 13 years ago. We just finalized our divorce after six years of separation and multiple relationships on her part (some of them sexual, some not).

I'm finally free of this mess but I have to deal with her almost every day since we split the kids 50/50. She wants to talk like she is walking close with God and attending church. I try not to involve myself with her life since it is just a dead end street for me emotionally.

Anyhow, a few weeks ago, I just woke up in the middle of the night and just KNEW in my spirit that she was dating a non-Christian and that she was sleeping with him. It wasn't related to any conversation we had, it just came out of the blue. I don't know why God still gives me insight like this because there is nothing I can do for her.

So, today she calls me about dropping off stuff at my house and I offer to come by hers (mind you, it is 8am on a Sunday). She hems and haws and then says "I don't want you to come here". Fine, I say and drop the subject. She comes over my place and proceeds to tell me how her boyfriend "had" to stay over her house last night because he lives far away and the roads were bad and he slept in guest room...

Part of me just wants to lay into her and say "what the heck are you doing!!!" In my heart, I know she is doing exactly what she wants. She is bound and determined to "fall in love" and considers herself sexually deprived so I'm sure she has justified all this in her head. Her single friends from her church are all dating and sleeping around so I'm sure she looks at them and feels justified.

It just makes me steaming mad to have to face her on a regular basis knowing that she is "acting" Christian but it willing to do whatever she wants when it comes to relationships. She has only known this guy for a couple of months and tells people he goes to her church. However, she doesn't go to many events at her church anymore and I know that if he really was a committed believer, she would have put it out there for me since she knows it is a major concern of mine.

I am just so disappointed in her. I don't know how someone walks with God for 25 years and just says "I don't care what he says, I'm going to do what I want". I know I shouldn't be suprised given our history and her choices the last few years but it still bugs me. She has my 3 kids 50% of the time and it bothers me that they are going to have to grow up with this "if it feels good, do it" kind of lifestyle.

I have been going nuts today and didn't know where to turn other than MB. Thanks for listening! I know the Bible says that people who sow to the flesh will reap destruction but I don't really wnat that for her or my kids. I just want her to grow up and start living a life consistent with her faith and stop acting like a spoiled teenager.

Her Mom and I talked the other day and she asked me what I thought about my XW ever remarrying. She too is a believer and thinks it is wrong given the circumstances of our divorce. My XW has convinced all the believers around her that God has forgiven her and she can do what she wants. Anyone who disagrees is labeled self-righteous so most of us who feel differently just keep quiet.

Ultimately, i know it God alone who will have to deal with her but watching from the sidelines still aches. I resent her deeply on some level but I also love her as well and wish she'd just right the ship and give her life fully to God.

God bless everyone here,
Didn't want a divorce but survived!

I would like to intervene here.

And it is good that you choose to honor your faith and you are committed to bring up your kids in a good home.

In most divorces or in separation agreements most say something like the parent is not supposed to have overnight visitors in the custodial home with the children in the house. That's pretty standard.

However, my xh did that openly and the courts basically poo pooh'd at it. It is something that happens unfortunatley every day.

I would also like to address you as well...I looked at your timeline and it is a bit long..you're still imho, too focused on what your xw is doing. It has been a good long while since you separated and you've been that way for you said six years now? And if the divorce is final, she can date who she wants and you can too. I think calling your xmil is a bit strange since so much time has passed by. I can understand you being concerned with somebody sleeping in the home, under same roof if the kids are around, but you cannot control what your xw does. No more than I can control what my xh does. It would be like beating my head against a wall all day.

So...what have you done in the "moving on" department to heal yourself? When my x cheated and was unrepentant, I filed. I was freed and know that I can be the best mom I can be and the best person I can be. My x is not part of the picture, unless there is a parenting issue.

And while I am sure that your xmil is synmpathetic and understands why you divorced, I don't see how involving her and all the calling will do anything but keep you hooked on the inside of a circle...free yourself from this and if need be, legally intervene so that your kids are brought up without overnight visits by the opposite sex in her home. I think that's all you can do. You can pray and pray she changes...but as a fellow Christian, I would like to say that despite even the actions of my xh, who also professes to be a Christian, you are getting mighty judgemental here and are outright judging your xw and her friends. After six years, it's time to let go. You can always pray for them, and if they are indeed to come back, then God can work on them. If you want her back, doing what you are doing is not going to work..it will further make her not want to be around you.

I am being a bit hard, I know, but you aren't clear here...on one hand, I see somebody waaaaay too wrapped up in their x after so long...somebody who doesn't like their x dating (and who even can assume the spiritual status of who she is dating????who are we to judge another's soul?)and is imho...somebody not ready to let go and maybe wants to reconcile.

I think you should first make sure and do so gently and RESPECTFULLY TO YOUR X that she is aware not to have overnight visitors of opposite sex in the home just as you do and that's the law (if that is written in your decree that is). And secondly, I would figure out if either I need to finally move on with my life or if I want to win my xw back. You sound stuck...and this is waaaaay too long to be stuck. Alot of people do reconcile, but you gotta also understand that some people do NOT...and that's ok. I have faith that there's a better future for my son and I. Faith makes you look ahead, not judge, and not look back because if you're stuck doing what you're doing now...then who's really in control of your life? Who?

I can take the hard words so thanks. Yes, it took me a long time to let go (and I know I still haven't fully done it). I just didn't think there was any reason for us to divorce as long as I was willing to forgive the affair(s). I realized that she is living the life she wants and I'm better off moving on. I have started dating a wonderful person recently so there is nothing in me that wants to reconcile.

The situation with the xmil is that she has been more of a Mom to me than my own and so we stay in touch. Generally, I don't talk to her about xw but she threw it out there last time we talked (which is only about once every couple months). I have never told her all the stuff that happened with her daughter and never will.

I guess it bothers me that she professes a close walk with God but lives contrary (at least in some areas). I know I'm on shaky ground with the Lord in judging others but this is the mother of my kids and a person who spends 50% of the time with them. I just wish they would see a consistent faith. As they get ready to date, how important are they supposed to think it is to date and marry a fellow believer if xw doesn't think it is important? Her attitude towards sex is going to be "try your best but it is inevitable you'll sleep together".

I know that ultimately, God is faithful and will honor what I'm trying to instill in my boys. I tell them all the time that they can't wait for others to change, they have to just change themselves. I know the responsibility for change here falls on my lap. Just needed somewhere to vent and I try not to do that in my new relationship.

Thanks

You know, often times, if not all the time, God allows us to witness certain things for the sole reason of having us pray for that situation.

Whenever we see a person fall our job as Christians is not to think and wonder and muse about how far off they drifted. Our duty is not to criticize or even tell other people about what we saw. When we see someone, a loved one included, doing something contrary to God's word, our FIRST thought should be, "I'm adding them to my prayer list" and in that sacred hour you plead with God on their behalf.

God allowed you to see what you saw so that you can pray for that person. He does not allow us to witness things to give us ammunition to gossip. Our only reason for telling someone else about a person's backsliding is to get them to pray for them too. All of what you said can never help your ex. If you really wanted to help her the only way, the only way, the only way she can be helped is by you talking to God about her. Anything else is counter-productive and sheds a light on your own heart.

oh...just so you know, that goes for me too. The temptation is great to tell people how much of a hyprocrite she is by what she does. And I can go on for days talking about it. But the truth is, talking about her and her ways takes away from me and what I need to do to correct my faults (there are many). I just wanted you to know that if you want a change in your ex for your children's sake, you have to take that up with the Lord. Tell him. And then leave it alone. Tell us later how He changed her.

Your quote: "I guess it bothers me that she professes a close walk with God but lives contrary (at least in some areas). I know I'm on shaky ground with the Lord in judging others but this is the mother of my kids and a person who spends 50% of the time with them. I just wish they would see a consistent faith. As they get ready to date, how important are they supposed to think it is to date and marry a fellow believer if xw doesn't think it is important? Her attitude towards sex is going to be "try your best but it is inevitable you'll sleep together".

There you go...judging her again. And yes, you have NOT let go. And you feel that your M didn't need a divorce because YOU forgave her for the affairs. Obviously she wanted something different. That is control. YOu say that today and it is controlling behavior. Could that possibly be something that was a HUGE LB for your xw? Hmmmmm.

Another quote: "I tell them all the time that they can't wait for others to change, they have to just change themselves. I know the responsibility for change here falls on my lap. Just needed somewhere to vent and I try not to do that in my new relationship." You are telling your sons something BAD about their mom. That is uncool. Kids are smart. They don't need us to badmouth somebody else...especially not their other parent. My son already knows what his dad has done. But I am not going to confuse him or make him want to judge me or turn from me by saying negative things about his dad ok? You say that you can't wait for others to change, you have to change yourself. I SUGGEST YOU TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE HERE OK?


Now this is a bit unsual as. It is obvious you aren't over your x and you say you are in a new relationship as well...that is strange. Does she know of your inability to disconnect from your xw? In last quote, you alluded to a new relationship.

It's good that you and your xmil are good friends. That is nice. But using her to gain info about your xw's personal life is again...wrong. Your life is your life now. Her life is her life now. And if you have a dating partner, that is your relationship to focus on. Your xw can date whoever she wants to...as long as neither of you are doing anything harmful to your kids and are NOT breaking the decree or the law. And yes, having overnight visitors of opposite sex is breaking a decree.

I think you should take two huge steps back here...sometimes reading what you've written here will open your eyes. Talk to God about the judging part. Work on healing with somebody good. And please please do not badmouth the mother of your kids in front of your kids. You are TEACHING THEM TO JUDGE LIKE YOU ARE JUDGING.

Just peachy,
Just to clarify, I NEVER said anything to my kids about their Mother. The comment about change was one I said just about life and dealing with difficult people. My kids have no idea of anything that happened between us because I have chosen not to expose them. So, I am guilty of not letting go, I agree but I'll pass on the teaching my kids to judge. We pray for their Mom together every day and they have never heard me say anything bad about her (and God willing, won't).

As for the comments from deadtoitall, I fully agree. I have not said anything to anyone (including xmil) about what I think God showed me. I've carried it around and prayed for her as you sugggested. I came here to vent because it is a burden I'm not thrilled with. I haven't even said anything to the xw. I wish that I didn't have to interact with her but for whatever reason, God has me here so he has a purpose. Thanks for the words of wisdom,

I wish you well and know you are here to learn more so one day when the time's right...you...along with people like me, can be blessed with a good relationship.

That's what I will pray for for you. And for your kids to grow up in a loving home. I am glad you didn't say that to your kids.

If your'e in a relationship, please get some closure with the xw and former M because this new person deserves that. I say that gently and respectfully. And if you're x is sleeping around in front of the kids, that is wrong. That can be fixed.

I myself had to resign the fact I cannot change my xh. I had to let go. God's been good to me and stuck by me thru some very trying times...even recently. He's been sooo good to me. When I finally "got it" that my xh is not my burden to carry, it was literally if God had freed my chains...freed me from the heavy burden I had carried about. For years, I had tried to save my x from himself. Save him. But that's part of me. Part of my profession and who I am. God let me know that HE'S THE KING IN THE SAVING DEPARTMENT AND I NEEDED TO REST SOME. And He freed me of this pain. When I let go and saw that, it was unthinkable and so great. I have some very good MB friends here who let me see that. And my two old elderly sunday school teachers read to me over the phone long distance about how when "an unbeliever (or one we think could be one or somebody really unrepentant) leaves...we let them go...for God commands us to live in peace." I did that. I let him go.

Now some prodigals come back. Some may find their way back to their families...some do not. And some may not get back to their families, but they may find their way back to God. Or they may never. But you can pray.

I changed my byline here today to reflect the new me. It's not about my x anymore. It is about my new life and about God making a better mom outta me, and making me whole again. My faith is that ship which will not sink.

It amazes me how so-called Christians get things so horribly wrong.

This concept of not judging others is so horribly wrong as to make one puke. You people who fail to judge are the problem with society.

The Bible does NOT say that you should not judge others. How about you folks actually read what it says, ALL of it? So, open up your Bible to Matthew and actually read it for yourselves, rather than parroting off what you've heard from your ignorant breatheren. As far as judging is concerned, it says to not be a hypocrite.

So, one should aways judge others, but be prepared to be judged. Failure to do so is an implicit approval of their wayward actions.

Get a clue people! Get a clue! Failure to condemn an action is a silent approval.

READ!!!

Matthew 7:2-5
Matthew 18:15-17

Although I use a little different verbage than father of 1, I do agree that God wants us to judge all things.

1 Kings 3:9 So give Your servant an obedient heart to judge Your people and to discern between good and evil. For who is able to judge this great people of Yours?"

We can pray for those people but also have to be wise & look at the type of "fruit" they're producing as well.

(I know you guys all know this. I mean you wouldn't go out and reconnect with some total jerk. You would see his/her behavior, make a judgement on it, and hopefully hightail it outa there!)

I don't think we can just say 'don't judge' - that's how the acception of sin is seeping into the church more and more.

I think maybe the point would be to try and let go of the relationships our ex's are in (SO HARD!) so that our hearts can heal, and I think that's the point that some were actually trying to convey.

But you becha - for my son's safety and later emotional, mental, and spititual well being I'll be judging everything that comes along his path and warn him one way or another.

I don't like one bit that the judge is allowing my WH to have visitation at the apt. he shares with his gf. So, yeah I can't control that and can only pray about it. (I think this was the type of sitch some were speaking of - things we can't control.) But if I ever do have a say I will definitely share my feeling about it.

Thanks for the comments everyone. Just "talking" this through has helped me alot (which is why I turned to MB so I don't talk it through at an inappropriate place).

There is a balance here that we need to find. On the one hand, I do think that God has called us to judge within the house of God (Paul was clear on this in several places). Having said that, we should never forget the mercy of God in our own lives. I shouldn't be "cheering" for God to punish someone in sin because it may be me one day in that seat.

I just am so disappointed in my xw. She is a great person in many areas but relationships are her downfall. My goal is to pray for her but not to comment. God will orchestrate something in her life to discipline her if necessary and I'm sure it will be redemptive, not spiteful like I probably would be.

God bless all,