First I want to say HI and welcome to MB!

I wanted to answer your questions from Jen Brown's thread. I didn't want to hijack her post so I started a new one.

My WW and I have been separated for over two years. She had several A and finally ended up leaving to go live with one of the OM.

She is a BIG mess emotionally right now so I felt I should do what I could for her. I could only do so much because of the choices she continues to make. I know that part of the reason she fell into this depression is because she is in yet another relationship with someone and it's not going well. She doesn't know that I know this. She told me that she wasn't seeing anyone but I knew better. I am at the point where those things don't hurt me like they used to anymore so I was able to help her a bit.

It took me a LONG time to get to this point and I was afraid of giving up too much of the ground I had gained over the last two years. That's why I stepped back out when I did.

Thank you Starman. I didn't want to judge. And I am glad you were able to convey what happened. You did try after two years and I guess it comes a time when enough is enough.

My H left in Nov because I think my depression was a bit much for him. He left because he said he was trying to save the marriage (so we went into Plan B before I even knew what that was). My depression was basically (now that I had time to reflect) due to his constant darkness...He says he is a spiritual and God fearing man, but he also spoke a lot about the devil and evil. Even the movies he chose were dark themes. He wanted me around him 24/7. He set me up on a pedastal so high, that I felt confined and claustrophobic. Whenever I got a chance to break free and go the mall by myself, I'd come home to "Where have you been?" I felt I wasn't being trusted anymore. Then the overall feeling of him not telling me how he felt was just too overwhelming. So I felt alone...like a princess being doted on but locked in an ivory tower. I was so lonely...I would tell him how I felt, but he would just stare at me and without emotion. Like I was talking to a wall.

But I felt I did something wrong..and internalized. Which now I know was definitely wrong. I just wished he would come to my rescue and hug me and say that things would be alright. Not to worry about anything because we have each other. Now looking back, I was expecting this from him and he didn't know how to give it. He thought showing emotional love was to buy me things. I am simple...I don't need anything materially. He couldn't understand that.

So when I responded to your message, I thought about my plight. I just wanted to see what causes a man to run and not confront. To leave his family and run to his Mom's for comfort. He and I have only been married for less than a year and I feel that if he comes back, my views of him has changed from seeing him as a man to seeing him as a little scared boy.

Starman, if you have any suggestions on this I will truly appreciate it. Since I don't have many male friends that I can share this with.

Thanks,
Nomoregames

I have to go to work pretty soon but wanted to post a little to you before I left.

I would be happy to try and help in any way I can. Just from reading your post it doesn't sound like you two have anything too out of the ordinary that you couldn't work out together. That's if you were BOTH willing.

The thing that doesn't make sense to me is how quickly he left. If he is not willing to stick it out and work on things any harder than that it is troubling. Were you two together for a long time before you got married?

I've got to go but will catch up later this evening. HANG IN THERE!

Thank you, Starman for the swift response.

No, we met January 3rd, 2004 and married May 12th, city hall style. This is my first and his second. I know it was worldwind, but I just felt it was right at the time. I went into the marriage know he was not perfect, but I was willing to work and thought he wanted to work as well. Trust me, if you are confused I am just as confused.

Looking back I think his is threatened by those closest to him. Each time I tried to get to KNOW his inner self, the further back he would push away. I took it as him not wanting me, but I think it is he is in so much pain, he doesn't know how to express it emotionally. So I am a threat to him...possibly exposing something he is scared to reveal.

He was abused as a child by his older sister. And I don't think he ever got over it. A friend of mine told me last weekend, that he is probably threatened by any woman that gets too close. Whenever I revealed my true inner self, he would stare at me as if he couldn't understand why I felt ANYTHING. He even said he doesn't show emotion because he was taught by his father it is a sign of weakness.

I truly believe that if my H cracked his shell for just a moment, he would feel so much better. He will be able to see that his reactions in life were unnecessarily done. I also notice that whenever something happens to him, it is always explained that it is someone else's fault...that he had nothing to do with it. My friend told me he probably felt like a victim as a child, and he has to continue to feel victimized. Not putting blame on himself, but on others.

I hope this helps...and thanks again Starman,
Nomoregames

Ok Starman, I need your help here.

My H called me Saturday night, and we talked for over an hour. It was the longest I talked to him in over 2 months. At first I was excited, then reality kicked in...My feelings of the reason why I was depressed with him in the first place bubbled up. He talked about my letters I sent him and said they seemed depressing (well, duh, my heart got ripped out when he left so did he expect me to sound excited and having a ball...although, now I am for the first time in a long while). Then he mentioned he like to talk to me more often, but have a plan to have me buy some deregulated phone service (through his get rich quick scheme for ACN) so that we can talk unlimited at no cost. I was excited that he wanted to talk with me more often...it seemed headed in the right direction, but he wanted to put me in a vulnerable mode again by taking control of the phone bill. When he left he disconnected our cellphone service and my family and friends couldn't reach me for days. I was devastated. So naturally I told him I am reluctant to have my phone turned over to him. He said he understood. Then I asked if I don't sign up for this new fangled phone setup, would he be upset? He said, "I will be disappointed but will get over it." Well he is going to have to get over it...I am not changing my reliable phone service to someone who has no regard for me.

My friends don't trust him, and they are warning me that he is impossible to trust. I admit he has no compassion and is very callous to other's feelings. He left me without so much as a payment every month to help me keep things afloat financially. I could have been put out on the streets.

What was really disheartening is that he got his old job back from his hometown, so he is establishing his roots away from me. I think the sands of time have run out on our marriage. He has no remorse for departing...he has no concern for my well-being. But yet he says he cares for me and doesn't want a divorce. He is so me, me, me, me oriented, that I don't think he knows how to love someone. I don't know if he knows how to be concerned for someone else other than himself. He is such a spoiled little brat (at the age of 44) that he is so used to getting what he wants (I would assume his mother's doing).

Someone told me last week that if I plan to keep him, I have to treat him the same way his Mom treats him. Well, I am not a spoiler...sure I will do nice things for the man I love, but I will not do EVERYTHING he says just because he says it, and negate my own opinions and emotions. I almost think he wants a stepford wife and not a woman of substance. So I am letting him go. He can stay with the one woman that makes him happy; his Mommy.

I don't know if you can help me on this, but I can sure use some guidance. I really don't want a D, but I can't see no other way right now.

Nomoregames

Sorry I was gone for so long. I've got five kids and they keep me very busy most of the time!

I feel for you and the situation you are in. My STBXW is a major CA like your H appears to be. She has also always been very self-centered. I never realized how much until all this happened.

You sound like you don't know what you want to do yet. The biggest thing for me was getting to a point where I knew that in my own heart I had done all I could to save my M. That really doesn't have as much to do with your H actions as it does with you personally. Do YOU feel satisfied that you've done what you can? If not then are you taking this time to learn about your own shortcomings in your M and working on making yourself better? That's really the essence of MB and the principles it teaches.

Even if you have decided that you are done with your M, I would encourage you to work on these things for yourself. It will do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence over time. It will also give you a much better idea of what to look for in another partner.

Your H sounds like he is a rather big mess emotionally. He left you and you have to decide if it is worth it to you to try and stick it out with him or to cut your losses. I certainly wouldn't blame you for not wanting to wait around and see if he is ever willing to work on himself or not. Like I said, my STBXW has a LOT of emotional problems herself that she has never been willing to work on. To be honest I would have been gone a LONG time ago if I didn't have my kids to think about. It just would not have been worth it to me. There is so much more to life than trying to help someone who refuses it and keeps hurting you along the way.

Starman,
You read right through me. I am in such a turmoil in determining what to do that I get conflicting emotions and ideas.

Well, you are right in that I am working on me. When I talked to him on Saturday, I saw him with child eyes. He didn't appear as a man to me anymore, but as a boy...a little scared boy. I don't know if I am able to manage to be a mother figure to a 40+ yo man. I always wanted a man who knew what he wanted in life and could take care of business...not me taking care of it alone for the both of us.

He is very emotionally needy. But I will say that last night I spoke to a girlfriend from church who has been married for over 30+ years, and she asked me a bunch of questions about what he has done, and while I described his reactions, my anger and insecurities came out. She said that I need to work on not making him feel like he is being belittled. Like, I explained to her that he didn't even know what a Roth IRA or a 401k was. (My thoughts were, how can you be 40+ yo, and not know what a retirement plan is?) She brought to light that by me questioning him on his financial plans, I was making him feel less of a man. Like I am a Miss Know It All. Starman, am I supposed to downplay my intelligence to make him feel like he is superior? If I have to do that to keep my marriage, it is a tough pill to swallow. I thought he married me for my intelligence. Maybe I need to express my intelligence with less force. I don't know...maybe I should act like I know nothing...I don't know...

I will work on my self-esteem a little more. In fact he wants me to call him on certain days of the week...fat chance! I don't feel I need to be put on a schedule to contact someone. It makes me feel cheap...Is a husband supposed to control their wife that way? I don't know...

Thank you Starman. I appreciate what you have written for me. I appreciate your food for thought.

Nomoregames

Starman,
I miss my H so much, and with Valentines coming up, it is just painful. He left me him phone number, but he put me on a schedule to only call on M T W. Everytime I think about that I just feel like he is controlling me again. To keep me in a small circle...like bondage. My friends tell me to ignore him. That by him giving me a set time to reach him is another means of control. I just wish he was home and this mess was over with.

Don't know what to do...

Nomoregames.

nomoregames,

Sorry you're feeling so down. I remember how hard all the first holidays were after my STBXW left.

I was wondering, do you consider yourself in plan A right now? Have you been thinking about what you want to try and accomplish for yourself? The more you can plan the better. Just feeling like you have control over your life is a big help.

This V-day will be the first holiday that I won't even acknowledge to my W. It feels funny not having to plan something. Hopefully you won't get to the plan B stage like I am because your H will come to his senses (if that's what you want).

Time is the only thing that will make it all get better. Stay as busy as you can and take care of yourself. Keep me updated on how things are going!

I was wondering, do you consider yourself in plan A right now? Have you been thinking about what you want to try and accomplish for yourself?

I think when my H left he put us in the Plan B mode right away...no contact whatsoever. He severed telephone numbers and other means of communication... I resorted to letters to his Mom's address to express my feelings. Of course, without replies.

But I guess you can say we are in Plan A. Last Saturday he gave me his phone number to at least call (eventhough it is on certain days of the week). But I find myself a little more reserved with him...not pouring my heart out to him so he can stomp on it again. Last Saturday, I just listened and gave a small comment like "Oh that's nice...". It wasn't an act, after 2 months of crying and feeling like dying, I just felt numb to his antics. I also noticed something new too..whenever I spoke to him in a calm voice without tears, he would back down from his line of questioning. Like he mentioned I wrote in one of my letters that I felt he was immature to run off and move in with his Mom at his age. I immediately said, "Yes I did." He paused for a moment...like as if I threw him a curve ball. I think he was waiting for me to say "I didn't say that!". So instead of him explaining why he brought that up, he just moved on to another conversation.

As for what I want to accomplish...I want to be permanently happy again; like before I met him. So I need to do more me-stuff.

This V-day will be the first holiday that I won't even acknowledge to my W. It feels funny not having to plan something. Hopefully you won't get to the plan B stage like I am because your H will come to his senses (if that's what you want).

Starman, we will make it through V-Day together...I decided this morning to go back to my love of flying. I have a private pilot license and haven't flown in 5 years, so a little excitement will do me some good, I think. I called the Civil Air Patrol this morning and will start going to the meetings. And guess what? They meet on Monday nights at 7pm. Oh well, I guess that eliminates one of my scheduled phone times with hubby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Time is the only thing that will make it all get better. Stay as busy as you can and take care of yourself.

I am working so hard to get my career and life back on track. This harping on someone who may not feel the same really drains the system.

So Starman if you don't have anyone for Valentines, I will say "HAVE A HAPPY VALENTINE DAY"! May you have a loving and kind day with your kids. (You know Valentines doesn't have to be with a significant other...it can be a time to express love for our family and friends, too.)

Nomoregames

nomoregames,

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to you too! Holidays aren't too hard for me with the kids around. My D-day was Christmas eve two years ago. That Christmas sucked! All the holidays have been good compared to that one.

How's everything going? Did you talk with your H over the weekend? I re-read your responses on this thread and it looks like your anger may be getting in the way of you doing a good plan A. Would that be a fair statement? Or is it more that you're not sure WHAT you want to do?

Sounds like you're keeping busy, that's good. Flying would be an awesome thing to get into! I took the liberty of reading over some of your old posts over the weekend. It's clear how much stronger you have gotten over a short period of time. Good for you!

I married quickly myself. Within one year of meeting each other. I also knew that my W had some problems, but nothing I thought we couldn't work through together. Things were really good for the first half of our M (about seven years). But it slowly went bad the last half. She got worse instead of better. She was never willing to work on her issues from her childhood and it caught up with her.

It's very frustrating to watch someone you care about make bad decisions. It took me a long time to understand that there was only so much I could do. I didn't want to accept that I couldn't fix things if only I tried hard enough.

Thanks for your response to my thread on the GQ2 board. It was helpful to me. Stay strong and God Bless.

starman

Starman! Starman!
You won't believe what happened last night!? I was not planning on calling my H at all. In fact I was trying to find something else to do to avoid calling him, but after work it was raining really hard and the radio was on...The DJ had a full call-in discussion on successful marriages. He had people call-in if they were married more than 20 years and to provide the insights on what it took to keep it alive. There were people that called in married over 30 years, and even 50 years. The DJ asked, "What did you to keep it alive?" And for the most part it was:

a. Honesty
b. Respect
c. Compromise
d. Reliability
e. Love

Well, the DJ also mentioned that most of his callers that were married for a short period of time, should have dated for at least a year or two and got to KNOW one another first. He said a very good point that you should be friends first and lovers last. While I was battling the heavy rains trying to get home and listening, I realized that I never really got to be my husbands friend and he never got to be mine, fully. The DJ mentioned so many failed marriages were due to finding someone, lusting after them, then going to the chapel. Which we should learn each other first.

I was very sad while listening to this, because I realized that my H and I did exactly that. We did the microwave version of marriage and not the slow cooker method. Then I realized that if I knew before we were married that he was capable of packing up and leaving at the first sign of trouble, I would have never accepted his proposal. So I held back the tears then kept swimming along to the house in heavy traffic. Then I had this feeling and this voice inside saying, "Go home and call your husband." All of a sudden I was weaving in and out of traffic trying to make my car fly to the house; through flooded streets and all.

When I got home, I didn't even take my clothes off to relax, but grabbed the phone and just dialed...I prayed he would answer and not have the answering machine pick up. On the 3rd ring it was his voice.."HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, Honey!". I was so confused and taken aback, that I had to ask if it was him or not. I thought I dialed the wrong number. It was as if he was waiting for me to call.

Well, we talked for at least 2 hours, and I threw caution to the wind. I asked him why he left and he threw caution to the wind and replied. This is a MAJOR step in our relationship since he usually clams up when I get too deep in his head. But I made sure I kept things as light as I could. I didn't want to overwhelm him.

I asked if he liked me...he said the first honest thing he has said in months, "I don't know who you are anymore." I told him I am the same woman he married and fell in love with. He knew I was an independent woman when we met, but it didn't really hit him until we started living together and he realized that I CAN take care of myself...I think I hurt his ego. I told him looking back, I did take on more than I should have, and am learning to let go and let someone else take over.

I asked if we can discuss the Bible each time we talk and he agreed. I told him, it helps me to understand from another's perception and I can gain a greater connection with him. So we read Romans 12:2-3. I was so excited that we are even making this first conversation step that I holding back the tears, because I think it overwhelms him when I cry, too.

So is this the marriage we once had?...No, which is what we both agreed. Is this the start of a friendship? I hope so. He says there is no other, but that he is confused about our relationship. So I am taking the approach to take out the mushy love stuff and work on us building a strong foundation as being just friends. Right now I don't fully trust him and he doesn't fully trust me. Which is fine for now because we hurt each other. But I pray through constant communication and confidence building, we can be a family again.

I am continuing my prayers...Thank you Starman for preventing me to see the lawyers right away. Not saying our M is fully saved, but it feels so good just to talk to him again.

Nomoregames

nomoregames,

Good for you! Sounds like you will both approach this slowly, which is a good thing.

I don't know about you, but I never realized how much I still had to learn about being a good partner in a M before I found this site. I also learned that as long as BOTH are committed to it there are almost no amount of differences that can't be overcome.

I thought I would always be someone who, if my first M didn't work, I would never try it again. But after learning so much about myself and HOW to be a good partner, I am actually looking forward to being able to have a relationship like that. I would have liked it to have been with my STBXW, but like I said, both sides have to want it. This whole thing has also proven to me that I don't NEED it to be happy, which is valuable in itself.

Keep the updates coming! Your situation is unique in that you have been M such a short time. I would love to see you two get to know each other again and get past this. Just keep your guard up and STAY STRONG!

Thanks Starman!

I am like you, I learned a great deal about dealing with a man who is so close to me. M is not easy and it requires the effort of both partners. MB is really opening my eyes to how I react to things and how others may see it as offensive, including my H. Not that I was a bad person, just that I call a spade a spade and didn't realize I busted my H ego. I have reeaally toned down and listen to him...I mean really listen to him.

I guess as long as we learn how to be better in relationships and practice it, then finding someone new will be easier. I don't know about you, but I think I learned about some of my barriers and may be able to let them down a bit more if I had to date again. I think I will be better at discerning men better through active listening and I will be able to communicate what I really want in a mate.

Starman, you are my guardian angel...I hope to be yours and will continue to pray for the best for you in whatever you do. As my Mom said to me during the holidays..."2005 will be a year of blessings for you." I believe it really will be for all of us.

Take care and I will keep you posted on where my H and I lead next.

Nomoregames

Nomoregames,

Hey stranger, what's up? I'm getting ready to go to work so I will post more later this weekend. Just wanted to see if you were still out there and how things were going. God Bless.

starman

Hey Starman!
I am chugging along as usual. Nothing new...I read you are taking a stronger Plan B stance. Good for you! How is it working out?

I agree with you that there is a time when you have to say enough is enough...and I don't have a problem with giving up if you and I do all we can do to salvage our marriages.

Last Monday, I spoke to my H for three hours. The first two hours were good, then about the third hour resentment kicked in and I kept asking more probing questions. I guess what hurts me is that he says he is over with the reasons why he left. And I definitely am not...I think I asked you earlier how do you recover from severe pain of the way he left me. He made comments that he sees us in reconciliation mode, but my question to him was, "Are we?".

That last hour every pain and resentment I felt just flowed out of me...I couldn't shut that faucet off. I started it off with, "Let me tell you what my day to day life is about:"

"a. I am forced to pay bills that I had not planned on paying...I couldn't even buy food for over a month because I had to pay mortgages and utilities.
b. You stood in front of my family and made a promise you would take care of me when you propposed, and you did this...
c. I felt as if you left me at the side of the road to die because you rejected and neglected me...
d. If you don't want me just let me go so I can have closure and can move on."

My counselor felt it was appropriate for me to say...to finally let him know where I stand. My Bible study group felt the same and felt I didn't take steps back, but made several strides forward by telling him out and out that basically...'You don't treat me any kind of way...I won't tolerate it.'

Well I hadn't heard from him since. So I don't know if we are in reconciliation or breakup for good after what I said. At the time I felt I made a grave error for exploding the way I did...but looking back, I had always showed compassion for him, and he showed none for me. He did apologize for one thing, but has not showed any remorse for leaving...and he has the nerve to refer to 'our situation' of being apart as ours...Why do I need to take ownership for being in this situation when he is the one who left? I am sorry...that is my anger exploding again.

He said last Monday, that he still wants me and wants to stay married to me. That he is willing to work on himself. I ended our conversation that he needs to work harder. I can't work towards reconciliation by myself. I refuse to be the only one pulling it together. I didn't marry myself..I married him.

Well this is where I am sitting now...Starman if you can provide me help on what I am to do please chime in...I love my H, but the love I feel for him is like a brother and not a lover. I don't feel intimate with him anymore...maybe because I hadn't seen him since November. Out of sight out of heart, I guess. I truly yearn for a much stronger man that what I got. But who knows, maybe he will change...maybe he won't.

Thanks Starman for checking up on me. I appreciate it.

Take care,
Nomoregames

nomoregames,

HEY!What's up? My computer has been down for the last three days, but it feels better now (no thanks to me).

Thanks for your response on GQ2. I am going to update that later.

I don't know how relevant this is going to be since so many days have gone by, but I didn't see anything too terribly bad about the things you told your H. If you consider yourself in plan A (do you?), then strictly speaking you may have come on a little too strong and scared him. No worries, I haven't come across a person here yet who hasn't let there WS know what they think from time to time. The emotion is just too strong to expect anything different.

Your H does need to know what you expect from him when he returns. You need to find out what he expects from you also. Since you are the one that has to take the lead right now it's up to you to figure out the best way to educate each other on these issues. Has your H been in enough contact with you for you to be able to work on these things?

I understand the hurt and the loss of love you feel for your H. You will not be able to get past these feelings until he is willing to come back to you and help you work through them. I don't mean to be a downer, and I am certainly no expert, but the short time it took for your H to turn and run really worries me. It doesn't seem possible that your relationship could have gotten so bad that quickly to justify such a drastic step. Am I wrong about this? If not then what's going to happen when you hit a MAJOR bump on your journey together?

I don't want to discourage you in any way, more of a warning to be careful and go slow with this. I was wondering, what does scripture say about a situation like the one you are in? Does God allow you a way out of your M if one S just up and leaves? I am still a novice when it comes to the study and interpretation of scripture, but am very enthusiastic about learning all I can.

I'll talk to you later, I'm late for soccer practice! Take care and God bless.

starman

<<<<bump>>>>

Hey Starman,
Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you. I appreciate you responding to my messages. This past week I felt I was in a decline again. I guess I just miss talking to my H.

I think he is upset with me since our last conversation two weeks ago, because he hasn't called or answered my phone calls. I just wish he can look past his anger and act like an adult and talk it out instead of pouting.

I still don't know what I plan to do just yet. Although he is not speaking to me, I am glad I got everything off my chest that day. I told him what my world is like so he can understand that there IS an impact when you do reckless things. I also worked on forgiving and FORGETTING a little more. Now I can talk about our situation without much emotion. I don't feel the rage that I felt before. I guess forgiveness is a powerful thing.

I won't fully forget, because I think I will always have what he did to us in the back of my mind. And this experience will allow me to discern a bit more on our relationship, but I am willing to let many things go. If he says, no kidding, he is ready to move on, then I am ok with it. Because at least I can move on and find the right man for me.

I guess I am just in limbo, but I am keeping myself busy.

Wait...I got to reread your previous message...I forgot what I was supposed to answer...

Nomoregames

[QUOTE]Originally posted by starman:
[QB] nomoregames,

I don't know how relevant this is going to be since so many days have gone by, but I didn't see anything too terribly bad about the things you told your H. You're right...I didn't say anything too far out of line. But it sure felt good getting it off my chest. If you consider yourself in plan A (do you?), then strictly speaking you may have come on a little too strong and scared him. That's the thing, I have no clue what plan we are in. So whatever I did shouldn't make a difference if I don't know where I stand. No worries, I haven't come across a person here yet who hasn't let there WS know what they think from time to time. The emotion is just too strong to expect anything different. Thanks, Starman. My H is so unpredictable at times (or is he? It seems he stops talking whenever I say something he doesn't like to hear...that's his problem, not mine.).

Your H does need to know what you expect from him when he returns. You said it...I expect:
a. love
b. respect
c. openness
d. honesty
e. integrity
f. trust

You need to find out what he expects from you also. Thusfar he wants:
a. me to not disagree with him
b. me to accept him for what he is
c. me to not interfere with his ideas
d. (the rest I have no clue)

Since you are the one that has to take the lead right now it's up to you to figure out the best way to educate each other on these issues. Has your H been in enough contact with you for you to be able to work on these things? BIG DILEMMA here. Talking once every two weeks doesn't allow a lot of interaction. But when I can steal a moment, I do throw in my two cents to help him. And I am learning, through my forgiveness and forgetting stages, to stop sweating the small stuff. To overlook his insecurities and not harp on them. With the grace of God, one day he will eventually catch up to his fullest potential. I have to keep telling myself that I can't change him or fix his problems. He has to learn to fix them himself. Like his truck broke down (right after he left me) and he had to get it fixed. The money he had to sustain himself while he planned to look for a job ran out. He finally got a job, but he realized how close he is to being financially strapped. He is working to take care of his issues and I am purposely staying out of it. There was a time when I would step in to help, but no more.

I understand the hurt and the loss of love you feel for your H. You will not be able to get past these feelings until he is willing to come back to you and help you work through them. He scarred me beyond belief when he left, but after weeks therapy, spiritual guidance, prayer, and letting go, my scar has turned into a slight blemish. I really feel like a weight has been lifted and I even have a springier step in my walk. I figure, my H sent me to the lowest of the lows, and now I am feeling like I am only going in UP direction. My H mentioned that he is learning too, and that is all I ask of him. As long as he keeps learning and I keep learning, then we should be fine.

I don't mean to be a downer, and I am certainly no expert, but the short time it took for your H to turn and run really worries me. It doesn't seem possible that your relationship could have gotten so bad that quickly to justify such a drastic step. Am I wrong about this? My H is a runner. Point blank. Instead of him getting hurt, he would rather hurt others. I expressed that to him in our last conversation, and he just sat and listened. I told him my observation that he HAS to please himself, and himself only. When he is pleasing others, it is only to please himself. So when someone else is under strife he doesn't know how to handle it. He sees it as their problem and walk off. I told him that is a selfish act. And he has to work on it. He needs to consider other people's feelings and not solely his own. (This may be the reason why he hasn't talked to me since.) But I felt I had to stop treating him like an infant and let him face reality. I think he wants to stay in the marriage, but I think he has some issues that he is having a hard time facing:
a. Like, how can he return home and face me after what he has done?
b. How to apologize and express his true feelings towards me?
c. How can he make amends?
d. How can he face my family and friends?
e. How can he start over?
How will he overcome these? Not for me to answer. He has to figure it out on his own. If not then what's going to happen when you hit a MAJOR bump on your journey together? That is the trust factor that I am working on now. He has a lot of growing up to do and will need to address that question as well. I guess what really makes me have a positive spin on all of this is that I am free of negativity. He isn't. He has to face what he did every day. He has regrets that he won't overcome unless he addresses them. I debts are cleared and free. He has many debts with his emotions and conscience. If we break up for good, that is ok with me, because I can move on knowing I did all I could do. I was in there when no one else cared. So it proves to me that the next man will have the greatest treasure he has ever had; a committed woman. This issue will not destroy me but make me stronger.

I don't want to discourage you in any way, more of a warning to be careful and go slow with this. You are not discouraging me. I am taking things so slow now, a snail is moving faster. After my H and I's whirlwind romance, I never got the chance to discern our relationship. Now I have plenty of time to do that. I am learning more things about him I don't like, and things I really appreciate about him. But I am taking my time. I am not even asking him to come home anymore. I think the time apart made me take those rose colored spectacles off. To see the scared little boy inside him. So I am hanging in there...

I was wondering, what does scripture say about a situation like the one you are in? Does God allow you a way out of your M if one S just up and leaves? I am still a novice when it comes to the study and interpretation of scripture, but am very enthusiastic about learning all I can. Well, believe it or not, my H is spiritual and extremely Christian rooted. Which is the reason why I decided not to jump up and divorce right away. He has a foundation to do right in his upbringing, he just has a problem acting like a mature adult.

Since my husband has not committed adultery, abuse me physically, or done illegal activity, scripture says we should work it out. However, if he is a nonbeliever and he wants out of the marriage, then we can divorce, and I can remarry but only to a believer. It is the believing spouse's role to convert the other. And I take this as the more stable of the two working towards uplifting the weaker one.

I spoke to a friend at church over the weekend who's H is exactly like mine and she has endured him for 34 years. I told her the things I felt and the things he said, and just laughed and said she went through the exact same thing her first year of marriage. She said she ended up learning how to accept him for him. To realize that he is not the person she thought her ideal man should be. Once she accepted him, and she changed for the better, then he started to learn how he was supposed to act and changed overtime. She said it took many years to get to that point. So maybe there is a chance with my H and I. I mean we were only living together for 3 months. So I need to take stock in the newness of our relationship and stop stressing over it. And he needs to relax and stop being afraid I am going to hurt him.

1 Corinthians 7
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. 12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace .

Take care and God bless.