I guess it's come to this, and while I understand nothing that has happened this past year, I REALLy don't understand why he hates me?

I was not a perfect wife. But I loved him, and did my best to take care of him with two small children. I have never cheated, and never lied.

So a year ago he tells me he doesn't love me, six months later he moves out, one month later he files for D, and now we are on our way to trial because we can't agree. All the while I am trying to figure it out, and unable to understand why a man is leaving a devoted wife and small kids who love him very much.

So now he's at the point of swearing at me over the phone, and basically treating me as if he hates me. Why? I have never raised my voice to him and have been more than accommodating up until this final paperwork, which i am going to be a stickler on. I still love me "old" husband, and would love to find him.

I need to mention that there is an OW involved and he is doing a considerable amount of drinking, which i also discovered has been going on for quite a while, unknown to me as H works out of town so I never saw him except on weekends.

I just loved him. How does somebody go from loving you so much to hating you so much?

cm

Honey - He doesn't HATE YOU - He hates the tangled web he's put himself into. He may dislike you since he does have OW. He is shutting you out because of OW. He may also dislike you because you are what he is not..He is weak and knows it and dispises anyone that shows more strength than he does. His drinking is alos a sign of his weakness - he's drowning himself in OW and booze he knows no other way out of this situtation.

Stick to your guns in the divorce proceedings - to bad if he's angry - you deserve the world since he destroyed yours.

Cyber Hugs

He hates you because it makes it easier to continue to move forward with the divorce, FOR HIM.. He may have built up some resentments that are no hard to forget and forgive.. So in essence, if he was even the slight bit casual with you, (to him) that may weaken him, AND also cause contriversy and friction with OW. it is a tactic that they don`t even realize they use, to keep the divorce coming.. whats the old saying. LOVE IS BLIND..

Be NICE as pie, ALWAYS.. and he will ALWAYS FEEL THE GUILT!!! lol..!
%

He hates you because it makes it easier to continue to move forward with the divorce, "FOR HIM.." He may have built up some resentments that are just hard right now to forget and forgive.. So in essence, if he was even the slightest bit casual with you, (to him) that may weaken him, AND also cause contriversy and friction with his OW. it is a tactic that they don`t even realize they use, to keep the divorce coming.. whats the old saying. LOVE IS BLIND..

Be NICE as pie, ALWAYS.. and he will ALWAYS FEEL THE GUILT!!! lol..! but as far as coming around to a calm, do not expect that any time soon.. TIME is the magic word.. everything takes time, and at some point he will come around. how much time depends on how things are handled BY YOU as well.. so start working on YOU!!! YOUR whats most important now. and if he sees a significant change in you, he may come around ever sooner.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I made the mistake of staying as mad at him as he was with me, and saw no change for a very long time in my situation.. It is only when YOU make the change that this will come about..

BUT I will say this.. with an OW around, HE will remain blind to his past with you, and THINK that the choice he made is the right one.. I now am the only one who "IS" rational, and have to cox my ex to talk to me from time to time if need be for the importance of our daughter.. I know for a fact it still kills him to talk to me, and that I`m sooooooo nice now, becuase I am past all of the BS.. but I do know and hear in his voice when we do talk he still hates me.. and for all that happened in the marriage to cause this, he also is like this, because he feels the guilt for treating me the way he did, and "STILL" can not face his own demands, or move on to forgivness.. sad, but oh soo true!

Give this time, and let him see the OW for what she is, be it good bad or indifferent, he has to learn this for him self.. If, by you ALWAYS being nice, and "SHE" (the OW) does not like it, it may cause friction, then it is SHE, who will eventually look like the bad choice.. LOL! and that will be his BARE REALITY..

good luck to you.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
AV

He doesn't hate you. He hates what he's become..He hates the bridges he's burned. He hates the fact YOU held him accountable. That's what happened to me.

My xh used to do the same thing. Swear at me constantly. He was evil to me thru and thru during the divorce. Blamed and swore the whole time. Meanwhile he was eating cake left and right. And he disliked me b/c I held him accountable in his life.

Now...he doesn't get a chance to be mean to me. If he starts on one of his rampages (during a phone call or a visit/child issue), I either hang up or walk away. You cannot fight with somebody that is not there. He will learn how to treat you.

And it's sad, but until they wake up...they're not going to change. And with the OW around, it's true. My xh is remarried, was 3 days after ours was final. So he never had to face anything..

And they will rewrite your past. Be ready for that. The whole "I never loved you" or "I only stayed for our child" is classic. Why do we know they don't mean that? Because SO MANY CHEATING spouses have said this time and again over the years.

He hates himself. He wishes you'd have said "Oh honey..I love you so much. Go right ahead and divorce me right away and take as much money as you want. And don't bother with spousal or child support because I just want YOU TO BE HAPPY. And when you feel like it, you can even come around, because I know one woman can't possibly make you, a guy like you, happy."

That's what the foggy people want dear. And when we make them stand up and see what they do, they have a choice. Life is at a crossroads for them. I think that's when either MB and similar programs either succeed or fail instantly. When the WS is at the crossroad and they actually are face to face with their destruction and cheating. When the lies are revealed and their cover is blown. The WS at that point will either begin moving out of the fog or deeper into it. My xh moved deeper into the fog.

Did he come out? No. But I've seen glimpses and it's sad. Would I ever take him back? No. Not ever. He broke something inside of me that cannot return. And we had a decent marriage before he became the man he is today...he is SO different from the person I knew before. before...

Just realize it is nOT you. It is all about him now.

You loved somebody, and they changed. That's it. You tried to show reason, intellect, and love. You know you did all you could do...and you will be given peace for that.

I know. I have peace. I feel it. Sure, it's hard and life's not easy as a single working mom. But you can do it. You can make it. And you will be loved...you already are. Your children and family love you. Your friends love you, we love you, and God loves you. One day when you're ready, somebody else may fall for you. You've got all the right tools for a bright future. I am sorry he was part of the "fifty percent" of our population who think this kind of lifestyle is acceptable. But be hopeful! There's the remaining 50% who don't and we're a large number! Stay strong and remember..you're in good company!

JustPeachy - You explained this sooo well ..You got it absolutely right - holding a WH accountable and exposing them is what can drive them deeper in the fog. As your WH did - so did mine - exposure did not work for me..

Mine who is very private person - was mortified that I would tell friends, family, etc. his "little secret".I never said this to him - but, it's coming..Why should I not tell the world what you are up to??? Expose who you really are...
While you were "working" these MOW - did you tell them My wife is great, I love her to death, She's the world to me??? No, you lied and said horrible things about me, about us - to get them into bed..and you have the Ba332 to be mad at me??
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he come out? No. But I've seen glimpses and it's sad. Would I ever take him back? No. Not ever. He broke something inside of me that cannot return. And we had a decent marriage before he became the man he is today...he is SO different from the person I knew before.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm in the same situation - seeing glimses of the man I fell in love. But, he won't come out of the fog - for some it is easier to start over than to deal w/their demons and show remorse for their actions. It is sad knowing they have changed so dramatically and there is nothing you can do. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now...he doesn't get a chance to be mean to me. If he starts on one of his rampages (during a phone call or a visit/child issue), I either hang up or walk away. You cannot fight with somebody that is not there. He will learn how to treat you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's where I am - I promised I will not allow him to bring out the worst in me anymore - I will walk away and not fight w/him - It just give him more reason the "hate me". "See this is why I cheat on you"..I won't give him a reason anymore..that will frustrate the heck out of him..

It takes awhile for us to understand all this and realize just as we want them to be "accountable" we must "accept" that they may not do the right thing. We must let go and move on to a happier place in life..

I agree with the above posts. He doesn't hate you. His "hate" is a strategy to justify any bad behavior. I'm not that familiar with your sitch. But this one sounds rather clear.

It's easier to make himself feel better about what he may be doing (he has an OW?) if he makes you the bad guy. Plus, he's probably stressed, out of control with the drinking and unhappy in his wrong relationship. That all comes out as anger. You symbolize the mess he's gotten himself into.

Best,

Too

deleted

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by country mama:
<strong>
I need to mention that there is an OW involved and he is doing a considerable amount of drinking, which i also discovered has been going on for quite a while,
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't that your answer? Between the fog of the affair and what may be alchoholism, the man you married is completely possesed by two demons. Alchoholism is a primary disease. If he had become addicted to it, he must be treated. Until he is treated, there is little you can do to fix him. You may wish to read up on the literature put out by Alanon. It will help you understand how to help yourself and you children. By doing so you will do all you can to help your husband. But, keep in mind that you are powerless to control him. If he chooses not to seek help, you can only do what is necessary to protect yourself and your children.

You guys are all great to respond so well. My kids are needing me right now, but I'll checkback in later tonight

cm

{{{{{{country mama}}}}}} I agree with everything that's already been said. My WH is an alcoholic/addict who was sober for about 9 years, started drinking, got involved with one of our employees - a much younger MOW who idolized him. After that I became the object of his (self)hatred. It's still very painful, even when logic tells us it's not really about us.

Do what you can to take care of yourself. It took me too long to realize I needed to end all contact with him - it helped that he kept kicking my door in, trashing things, threw the kids and me out of the house to move MOW in, which enabled me to obtain a restraining order.
If I had it to do over again, I'd remove myself from the situation with less drama, but I really never believed he'd get as crazy as he did.

Try to keep your "old" husband separate in your mind from the person he's become. Going to "Plan B", if possible, can help. It will keep you safe, preserve the love you still have in case reconciliation is still possible, allow him to see what life with OW and without you is really like, and allow you to slowly heal if DV is imminent.

I so much appreciate everybody taking the time to respond to me. I plan on printing this out to read when I get to blaming myself too much. And I still blame myself.

In actuality, he is usually nice a pie to me, tries to strike up casual conversation and all that. I've just mostly ignored him or spoken briefly, not mean just the bare necessities. Should I be nicer to him? that's just very hard to do right now, as I am so resentful of what he's doing to our family. I am polite, just not his "friend" as I think he would like me to be.

It is interesting, in relation to many of resopnses, that this mean behavior of his just recently came about. I have "heard" that he has moved out of his rental and is possibly living with OW. Are these two events, hatred of me and moving in with OW, then related? This move also puts him an additional 2 hours drive away from our hometown and our children. Keep in mind he has been working on the road for 6 years now, so really doesn't have a "home" per say, anywehre. That is also, I believe, a factor in depression I think he has, which has most likely broght about the excessive drinking.

cm

Letstry,
Thank you for your imput. I guess I am doing plan B. We exchange kids every other weekend, and since he doesn't call at all during the time he doens't see them, then I don't have to talk with him. I keep all conversations very brief but polite.

Divorce will be soon. We are most likely going to trial, unless he changes his mind about terms. He already pays CS, but agreed to a year's maintenance in Nov, which he hasn't paid. He is also to pay me for some bills of his which I paid, and his portion (90%) of day care costs related to me going back to work ( I was a SAHM).

I also want to claim the kids, which he thinks is his territory since he pays the most FS, but the Working Families Tax relief Act of 2004 says that since the kids live with me, I get to claim them.

I just still have intense moments (it's been a year) of wondering where my H has gone, and why can't I bring him back? I know it's out of my hands, and I truly have accepted this divorce, but I'm just still so hurt by it all, and ticked as heck that I have had to adjust my ENTIRE life because of a decison that he made all by himself. And of course,our two beautiful children, who want Daddy to come home and live with them. (can you see the blood dripping from the knife twisting in my heart??)

cm

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just still have intense moments (it's been a year) of wondering where my H has gone, and why can't I bring him back? I know it's out of my hands, and I truly have accepted this divorce, but I'm just still so hurt by it all, and ticked as heck that I have had to adjust my ENTIRE life because of a decison that he made all by himself. And of course,our two beautiful children, who want Daddy to come home and live with them. (can you see the blood dripping from the knife twisting in my heart??)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Many of us BS feel the exact same way..Yes it's sad that we are the ones that have to adjust our lives because of their weakness/infidelities/addictions.

I tried for so long to get my WH back to reality - family, friends, business, a lifestyle to be proud of - I have given up..I realize his addictions are stronger than I am. Heal thyself - try to let go of what was and look to a future of not trying to "fix someone".

Funny, how we all realize this "isn't about us" - but, yet it affects our entire life that we've lived, built, nurtured. We have to start over and they the WS just merrily go along like nothing is wrong nothing is different. Sad....