Thank you to any and all who are praying for me!
I can so use the prayers.

When I asked God why my husbands band is still going I felt like God told me that I would need to fast and pray for this to be accomplished.

I've started to feel down a little because as I'm praying for those around me and their prayers are being answered - I'm still waiting for mine.

It's so hard to wait sometinmes isn't it?
I think part of my feeling down is a subtle loss of hope. Like what if my prayers about my situations DON'T get answered for whatever reason.

I let my husband have our son today for visitation when I didn't have to - and yet he was still bitter and hateful towards me when he came.

He's the one who cheated and walked out. He's the one who while I was in labor went to the bar to play a show (HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS THERE) and then STUCK AROUND AFTER THE SHOW TO DRINK!

When he came into the room my mom told him to hurry because the head was coming out - He said he had to pee (he smelled like booze) and went to the bathroom. He didn't care that she said "But you're gonna miss it!"
He didn't though. He was back in time to cut the cord, not that he wanted to. I think he felt pressure from his family to do it.
That's another thing, we had agreed that his family WOULD NOT be in the room as I gave birth. Then low and behold who walks in?

- His mom
- His sister Angela
- His sister Angela's fiancee Troy

Then my husband takes off for the bar and leaves me on the birthing table with his family there!

Why do I not feel like I can move on and let go of him?

Why can't I feel hopeful for a better life and relationship with someone else?

Ok, I know people see these things different ways, so take this for what it's worth. But I think you may be praying for the wrong thing.

From what I've learned in my study of prayer, a lot of us don't really pray the right way. We have a tendency to tell God what to do instead of asking for His help and guidance. Basically, that sometimes we put God in too small of a box.

You're praying that God will make your husband's band fail, I imagine because you think that will help WH see what he is doing, get rid of OW, etc. Now it could be that you need to have more patience here, but it could also be that the answer you're getting is "no." Why? God sees a lot further than we can. Maybe He knows that won't fix things, or might make things worse. Maybe He has another plan in mind, or just something different in mind for you.

I had been praying for several years before DD, asking God to fix whatever was wrong in our marriage. I didn't know WHAT was going on, just that something was, and that I was miserable, and that I needed things to get better. As I started going to some of our prayer breakfasts and retreats at church, though, listening to some of the speakers, I started wondering if maybe I wasn't trying to tell God what to do instead of asking for His help.

So, I changed my prayer. I started asking God to do something. Anything. Whatever it was that was needed. That I knew there was a problem, that I had tried to talk to my H about it and gotten nowhere, and that without a push from somewhere, somehow, nothing was going to change and I was going to continue to be miserable.

After that, signs of the A started appearing, or perhaps my eyes were just opened to that possibility, which I hadn't seriously considered before. DDay was within about 2 months of me changing what I was praying for. H was forced into telling me because OW was going to tell me and he was beating her to it.

Was it the answer I was looking for? No. But was it what was needed? Yes. I realize now, too, that with all the emotional abuse that was going on, I really think God was giving me a way out. Yes, He hates divorce, but I do believe there are circumstances where it is necessary. But I also think God was waiting for me to be ready to accept a different outcome than the one I was asking for - fixing the marriage.

So, ask yourself what you could ask for instead of telling God how you want things fixed. My opinion - ask Him to help. Don't tell Him how, just ask for the help. And ask Him to show you the way you should go, the way this should be handled. The bottom line is, put it in His hands, because He may have a much better solution to the situation than any you could think of.

JMHO.

Thanks for your reply penquin. You know, You're absolutely right.
I've got to confess I'm afraid of any other outcome than what I've asked for. Seriously, I'm really afraid of things not turning out as I've prayed.
I know that's a lack of faith. I kept thinking that having faith that MY prayers would be answered meant I was walking in faith.
But realistically after reading your post - I don't have much faith in this situation at all. Not if I'm scared to death of any other outcome than the one I've been praying for.

Anything else just seems too painful to handle.

Like if he and his band go on and get bigger and bigger which means this woman will cling to him harder and harder.

What if he doesn't decide to repent and eventually see the error of his ways so to speak and come home?

Can I still trust God that I can have a good life?

I guess that's my big question.

I get no sleep and I'm so tired. I really don't have the time or energy right now to re-enter the dating scene.
I know technically I don't need to because God can bring a person from anywhere.

(I was asked out at the grocery store and also by the guy who came to my house and installed my cable. hehe)

But it just seems like re-entering the scene would give greater options. Maybe part of it is also that I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

I love him and we've been married for 12 years. There's a comfort zone there that I don't want to have to rebuild with someone else. Obviously he hasn't had a problem rebuilding that zone with the cow he's living with - so why does it scare me?

Maybe because I'm looking for more.

I want a sold out Christian guy who's either a musician rocker type, artist, or you know just off the beaten path. Again with the lack of faith thing. Do I really believe God can pull someone like that out of the woodwork that would click with me in personality, things in common, etc.?

Well, your post has me realizing I need to do some soul searching.

Tess,

Believe me, I know where you're coming from. It took a long time for me to realize that I just didn't want God to give me an answer other than the one I had in mind.

My XH and I were married 11 years. No kids, thank goodness, but still... And, to me, well, I'm not SUPPOSED to be divorced. That's the one I'm struggling with now. I realize now there was a lot of emotional abuse on his part even before the internet porn, the internet personals, and the As. I say now that he did me a favor, because I would never have even considered divorce myself, but I am better off now.

And still.... my mind continues to dwell on the fact that this isn't the way it's supposed to be. I'm having a tough time getting past that one.

Unfortunately, the answer is the one we don't want to hear - it takes time. Plus a lot of work working on yourself.

And I too think chances of me finding the kind of guy I would need to consider marriage again are next to 0. But, I've decided that I just can't let that be important. If it's what God wants for me, He'll bring someone into my life. In the meantime, all I can do is work on myself and not worry about it. But that's a lot easier said than done.

I will say - I know you've probably seen it from a lot of other people on here, and again, it seems to be one of those things that people have to live through on their own, but.... don't even try to start dating yet. You need the divorce to be final first, at a minimum. If nothing else, think about this - in the long run, would you really trust a guy that would go out with you when you aren't divorced yet. Because no matter how much you say it's over, that's what everyone who is cheating says. And pretty much everyone knows that. So, the liklihood is that if he'll date you before the divorce is final, then the vows of marriage probably don't mean much to him. There are exceptions to that, but not many. It really is just asking for trouble.

And finally - I REALLY do understand your fear of him going on and having a successful, happy life. It just isn't FAIR, right? Not after what he did. I recently found out that OW was either cheating on or left my XH, and it felt good. Not that I was happy he got hurt, but just that it all seemed a lot more fair. But in reality, you can't count on that happening. Chances are, things will fall apart for him - but you may never see it. And it doesn't seem fair. I wish I could tell you an easy way to get past that, but I haven't found it myself. The only thing you can do is try as much as possible to get your focus off of him, and on yourself and God and living the way you know is right.

Sheesh, why does this stuff have to be so hard?

It's natural to be afraid of the unknown. It is. You would NOT be human if you weren't afraid of life being different.

And that's what this is. It is tantamount to a death..they say divorce is the same kind of feeling. My old minister used to call it "attack of the living dead" because your x may be gone, you grieved over the loss, you dealt with the loss, but that person who left you is still somehow walking around and managing to talk still. Outta sight and outta mind is easier. You might could do that if you didn't have kids. But you do and I do. And we gotta endure the "living dead" encounters from time to time.

Now here's the tough love part.

You're at a zero balance in your LB. Zero. I was there for a long long time. Until I found out how to fill my LB with other things besides romantic love, I was vulernable like you were.

You're not divorced yet. And an "eye for an eye" philosophy is not correct. You can't put a bandaid on a severed limb. Trying to prematurely date when you're not over your prior relationship or allowing for a good while until the relationship's future is determined is imho...wrong. I think you could further damage yourself, healing, and your ego if you did date. Plus it's wrong to date until you're legally and morally free to do it. And if your x should wander completely outta the fog, what would it look like if he came home and found you doing what he did?

Please re read what you wrote. It feels to me you wrote it outta lonliness. And you miss a guy being around. While he's not there, you hang out with your kids, your friends, etc. The "dream guy" you are talking about is a fantasy. He's not real...he's part of the BS fog we sometimes ourselves enter. We want so badly for that "white knight on a white horse" to take us away from that pain. My old counselor told me to not consider dating until the judge said I could.

Here's what you wrote:I get no sleep and I'm so tired. I really don't have the time or energy right now to re-enter the dating scene.
I know technically I don't need to because God can bring a person from anywhere.

(I was asked out at the grocery store and also by the guy who came to my house and installed my cable. hehe)

But it just seems like re-entering the scene would give greater options. Maybe part of it is also that I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

Then you talk about some burned out Christian rocker type guy. Maybe God wants you to get to know yourself right now? Maybe he already picked out the right guy for you and he's some accountant with glasses? You'll never know. Just forget the fog stuff. Friends, family, and faith right now ok? Focus on those three.

You're in the BS fog thinking you'll never be loved again, that your WS is the greatest thing since sliced bread despite their idocacy...remember that we can get fog too.

What I did: counselor had me do this to negatively associate things with x to speed in my recovery..When I got that sad feeling whenever I'd see a photo, see the x, hear a song on the radio, I was to snap hard a ponytail holder that I wore on my wrist. Yep. Put one on. And when I snap it, I would remind myself of 1)what has happened 2)where I am in my life 3)where do I want to go in my life and 4)TELL MYSELF I AM WORTHY OF SOMEONE LOVING ME WITH ALL THEIR HEART...not with their EGO.

Do that. Wear the rubber band. Snap it when you get that awful, melancholy feeling. Say four reaffirmatations to yourself about yourself, where you M is now, what your x is actively doing now, and where do you want to go in your life.

It does work.

Some excerpts from some email I have been getting since signing up for divorce care daily emails that I felt were appropriate to you Tess.

Hang in there we all know this sux!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stabilizing Your Life: How Long Will It Take?
Day 13

Each person's recovery experience is unique, and there is no guarantee on how much time it will take until you feel whole again. Although you cannot be certain about the date, you can be certain about the healing, and in order to heal, you must take some specific steps. The first step, as we have said before, is to point yourself in the right direction. Second, make a commitment to moving forward. Third, acknowledge that what you are experiencing is normal. The fourth step is to understand that you must go through the recovery process.

"Let the pain run its course," says Rob Eagar. "As humans we are so focused on wanting to feel good all the time. Then when hurt and pain come into our lives, we do anything to get rid of it. Understand that it is going to hurt for a while. Having that realization helped me to face my pain and to be able to say, 'Okay, this is how it's going to be.'"

An important part of your healing is based on your understanding that recovery is a process, and it is a process you must go through, despite the pain.

Fishing in the Desert
Day 14

Where have you been looking for stability? Think carefully about the places and people you have gone to for feelings of assurance or acceptance. You may have searched in places you never thought you'd visit. You may be doing things that some part of you is repulsed by, but a stronger part of you can't help but keep doing in a desperate attempt to ease the pain.

"The process of alienation that occurs during divorce destroys your moral value system, and you end up doing things that you never thought you'd do in your whole life," says Dr. Jim A. Talley.

It is not uncommon for people to fall into alcohol, sex, drugs, meanness, or rage, seeking anything or anyone that will make them feel good at least for a moment.

"Finding true love in a bar," says Dr. Talley, "is like finding fish in the desert. You tend to go the wrong places first and finally end up in the right places."

The Impact of a New Relationship
Day 15

Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "Another relationship is like Novocain for the heart. It is the easiest, quickest, slickest way to do away with the pain. But it's sort of like having a broken foot. You can take a shot of Novocain in your foot after you break it, and you can still walk. You can keep right on walking. You can look around and say, 'I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.'

"One day you look down, and you see these white bones sticking through the skin of your foot, and you realize that you've done a lot more damage to yourself with the Novocain than if you had put a cast around it, protected it, and put some structure to it."

You need to protect your heart and you need structure so that your heart is supported and strong on its own. Getting involved in a new relationship will only damage a heart that is not fully healed.

Embrace Your Singleness
Day 16

A person helped get you into this situation. Do not think that another person will help get you out—no matter how right he or she may seem for you.

"After people get divorced, they rush into a new relationship because they hurt," explains Dr. Myles Munroe. "They believe the secret to relieving the hurt is a new relationship, which is the worst thing a person can do. If you get remarried and you're still hurting, you are taking your hurt into another relationship, and that is going to become the foundation of the relationship, which is faulty."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks for your replies.

I really wouldn't start dating before the divorce was final. The six month mark will be April fools day. I don't see it going any farther than that. As long as we are still technically married I have this ever small sliver of hope but realistically I don't know.

I just bring up the dating thing because April first is not that far away. ( And I was starting to think along the lines that the articles said.)

My husband has his girlfriend as a distraction - so I was looking at it as a distraction from the pain of this situation. But, like the post says It won't solve anything.

I'll try the rubberband thing Peachy. I really need something because I'm expending a lot of energy grieving and thinking about him with her every night. Coming home to her, watching movies cuddling on the couch, sleeping together, etc. It's so draining. I hope I can "snap" myself out of that.