My "other mom" -- my spiritual guide and role model of how I'd like to be in a marriage -- is separated from her husband. I just heard last night and it hit me like a battering ram to the chest. Who could make a marriage work if not her? Certainly not me.

I am just overwhelmingly hopeless now about marriage. Maybe I've been looking for ways to avoid it for the last four years. It seems the closer we get to that point, the farther away I want to run screaming, and find reasons to never get married again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: xpButtercup ]</small>

Just not my day I guess? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am under triple whammy field stress trial danger alert mode.

The house that will never be ... delayed again, with a major legal/financing issue, thought to be cleared up but apparently done wrong. The kicker is we thought we were SO CLOSE and would be closing by the end of the month, and that we MUST CLOSE by the end of the month, or we go back to square one and start almost two years' worth of work over again. Horrible, painful news today.

Third (counting the first post as #1), my son does NOT have Asperger's Syndrome. He just hates me. The neuropsych talked with me today. She feels that the best thing for DS is not what I have fought for all along and believe in. She feels that his level of anger and depression calls for immediate intervention including possibly moving him back to his old school. Huge, major, horrible rotten news for me.

Can't function, can't type without crying. Please remember me in your prayers. I'm melting down. Will update tomorrow in a better frame of mind I hope.

I'm sorry. ((Hug))

Take some time to just breathe. I hope that things look up soon.

((((((((Buttercup)))))))

I am thinking of you. I hope that these things don't overwhelm you too much. It's so hard when many cr*ppy things happen all in one chunk! When it rains it pours, huh?

Hang in there, baby! (Picture that cute kitten from the 70's hanging on with one paw)

Hey XPButtercup,

My son has Asperger's Syndrome!!!!

Ali~

I am sorry. People are human. And I am praying for them. And for you and your son.

Hope the issue regarding the legal issue is resolved positively. And when it comes to health issues with our kids, that is especially not easy.

Many good thoughts coming your way. Wishing you peace and positive resolution and healing.

((((Buttercup))))

None of us can know truly know your pain right now...but we are reaching out to you and giving you positive energy. You can make an intimate relationship work. You have learned many valuable lessons here on MB's. You have learned much from divorce if you analyze it well. You seem to be such a sweet, kind and loving person. You will surely find much love and eternal happiness if you just give it time.

There are better days ahead!!

What is "getting" me right now is the more I think about DS going back to the other school, the more it becomes apparent that the *best* way to facilitate this would be for him to live with his dad.

Which brings me back to WHY things aren't working out with his new school.

Dad is against it. If Dad had come on board with the school change in the beginning, DS would be doing fine. Dad instead has used this as a wedge. He could have done what was best for DS in spite of disagreeing with me on the school issue, and encouraged DS to embrace the new school as an opportunity. Instead, it became a bitterly divided issue with DS and his Dad vs. me.

But I can't do anything about how Dad behaves. Leaving me to be the big person and do what is best for son even if I am going to hate it.

If DS changes schools and goes to live with dad, what about DD? She isn't having an issue with the new school, but won't she want to be in the same school with her brother, and won't she want to live with her brother? Do I reverse current parenting time and become the every-other-weekend parent? Do I separate the kids? DS would love it, DD would not... what will dad think/say/do...

What have I been fighting for the past four years?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

With the good there is also bad ...

My ex came to DS's doctor appointment on Monday. He decided to use the time the three of us were in the room alone between the nurse seeing us and the doctor coming in to put me down in front of our son, making negative comments about my parenting, and even went on a long tirade against the counselor DS has been seeing since September, calling him a joke, a jerk, fake and stupid among other things. The only things I said had to do with redirecting the conversation and implicating that this does not need to be discussed in front of our son.

Consequently DS channelled that anger and hatred that my ex has toward me, was explosive and agitated Monday night and Tuesday morning. He screamed and shrieked at his sister and I, that he hated us and hated living with me, hit his sister; just totally lost control of his emotions and actions. I had to warn the day care and the school to keep them separate... he was absolutely furious at his sister for "getting HIM in trouble" when she didn't do anything to escalate this, and furious with me for not punishing her. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

During the screaming I asked him if he wanted to go to his dads, I would call him RIGHT NOW and he could spend the week there... well NO he didn't want to go because he would miss the kick-off meeting for the fundraiser that we are involved with every year, because he knew his dad wouldn't take him to it!

Last night and this morning, I had my sometimes-frustrated but fairly normal son back.

My ex won't see the connection. Even if he did, he probably wouldn't stop, because he would see that it was hurting me and probably not believe that it could be hurting DS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The neuro psych recommended family counseling for my ex and I. I am giving him a list of providers to choose from, but I know he won't do it... he doesn't think he is at fault! I have to cancel DS's appointment with his counselor (of course now that dad has called him all these names DS doesn't want to go and won't respect him) and hopefully find him a new one...

Ugh. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. I don't hate my ex. I don't think about him or care about him or worry about him for one second that isn't DIRECTLY related to our children and the effect he's having on them. I wish he would move far away and never do more than send the kids a postcard... it can't be worse for them than what he's doing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He *still* hasn't chosen a psych. I've asked him about it a couple times. I finally asked if he wanted me to choose one. "No, I'll do it..." and basically turned the conversation to why *I* wanted DS in counseling since I hated going to counseling when I was a child. I reminded him of DS' anger issues. "He doesn't have a problem when he's with me."

In a nutshell, he doesn't want DS in counseling and is once again blaming DS' issues are 100% ME.

So tired of this dance. It just goes in circles.

I feel for you! Believe me when I tell you that it will be a long hard road for you and for your son. For while he thinks he wants his dad now he will regret it later.

Remember that this neurologist is not his mother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> No one knows your son like you do! If he needs immediate intervention then consider other alternatives than just shipping him back to dad. You know that this will just make his issues worse. If dad is saying that your son is not like this at his house then he is lying and you know it. When did that man ever admit to anything ever going wrong when he is in charge?!!

You need to get up and get out of your funk! Your kids need you to protect them from that A-hole!!

I have a lot of experience with this! My daughter was lost to her dad (another fine example of A-holery) and she has major anger issues. She was manipulated and twisted by him from an early age and now lives with me and drives me nuts. I wish that I had put her dad into family therapy when she would have been young enough to avoid some of the issues developing that later did.

Sunny (formerly Harlequin99)

Really rotten horrible day.

My son decided he was too sick to go to school. This is about the fourth time in two months. No symptoms other than what he describes as a horrible stomach ache. Made up or very real from stress? Don't know. He usually goes to my mom's or ex's mom's or my Westley's house for the day, and is always 100% healed immediately after I drop him off.

So I stood my ground and made him get up and dressed and go to day care (he rides bus from there to school).

He refused to get up out of bed. I lifted him to his feet. He slumped down. I had to pick him up again. He refused to get dressed. I had to undress him and dress him again. (He is almost 10.) He slumped down again, screaming about his stomach pain (which incidentally didn't start until I told him to get out of bed, half hour after his alarm went off--he'd been reading silently the whole time) and wouldn't get up.

I carried him to the porch where his coat, boots and backpack were, and went back in the house to finish getting myself and DD ready to go. He sat in a chair on the porch and screamed "IT HURTS!!" and "YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME!" ... screamed so much my DD started screaming back that he was giving her a headache.

I put his boots on him, carried his coat and backpack to the car then carried him to the car. Not two blocks from the house a policeman pulled me over. I couldn't think of a thing I could have done wrong in those two blocks. Oh no, it wasn't me... one of my neighbors had called the police because of my son's screaming. I was mortified, explained the whole thing, the history, offered that he could check and there was not a mark or scratch on the boy. He didn't check but I wish I'd have made him check or call an EMT because I know my ex will find out about this.

The fun, unfortunately, was only beginning.

Got to day care. Had to once again carry him in because he refused to walk, kept screaming it hurt his stomach to move. Put him in a chair in his group's room at day care. Tried to say something to the day care worker in the room over his screaming and just *lost it* ... started crying and went and sat in the hall, with my DD trying to console me. I just sat there for about five minutes holding onto her. She is such a fixer; breaks her little heart to see anyone sad. Finally got up, sent her back into the room and went and sat in the day care office and waited for the manager to be called in.

Talked for a LONG TIME with her about what I could do ... don't know how to document this stuff that almost always seems to follow the kids' weekly visits with dad... the staff has noticed a big difference in DS since he stopped seeing a counselor. I hate the helpless feeling. They didn't want to call in CPS although I wondered if it might help to document that DS was NOT abused.

Days like this, how can I *NOT* consider letting him live with his dad??
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

xbuttercup - Yup your day bites - I will give you that... Ok now does your son want to go and live with his dad??? Will he be better of without this tug of war so to speak that your ex likes to do with him??? What if he went to live with his dad and his dad decided he didn't really want him with him - he just wanted to make your life miserable??? I mean what happens if you say ok - you can live with your dad - and we are building our beautiful house and we will set up your room and you can visit??? Do you think maybe then he wouldn't want to move??? I guess you have to make the decision what is in the best interest of your child... He needs to get the counseling that he needs - I thought that the court decided that you had final say in all decisions regarding your children????

Yes, he does want to live with his dad (and grandmother) and he wants to take ALL of "his stuff" with him. Well, that's what he says when he's mad. Given the opportunity to GO--well, it always seems like something is in the way. No, dad won't take me to the thing tomorrow night. No, grandma's out of town so there is no one to watch me while dad is working (midnights). Hmmm. I think he wants MORE time with dad, certainly, but *maybe* not to live there. He really liked the idea of going there for two weeks at a time in the summer instead of every other week, when I suggested it.

There was another episode in between... I also pick the kids up at the same day care after work, they ride the bus from the school to day care. I worked late and it was almost 6pm. DS had a bad day that day. He was hiding in a corner and wouldn't come out for the day care staff or for me. I tried to talk to him, and he demanded "I get 12 points or I'm not coming out!"

(He has a points system at school where he can 'earn' points for good behavior and 'spend' them on privileges at home.)

I said I wasn't going to give him points for defiant behavior. DD and I went to the car. She started screaming at me that we can't just leave him there. I sat and waited for DS to come out. (Day care closes at 6.) Finally he shows up at the back door with two staff members, one holding him to keep him from running back to the room, and one holding his things for me to get. He refused to put on his coat and boots. I went and got his things, put them on the porch, and then had to physically remove him from the building. He was fighting me so I couldn't carry him. I am *fried* by this point so I put him down next to his stuff and go sit in the car and wait for him... it's cold and snowing, he can't stand there long, right? DD gets furious at me (not common) and screams that I can't just LEAVE him there. Gets out of the car and goes and stands by him. She has 'the look'. I went up to them both, got DS' stuff to carry to the car, and told DD to please get back in the car with me, I wasn't going to leave him but I couldn't carry them both. She complied. We both got into the car and waited for DS.

DS starts screaming loudly "Dad is going to KILL YOU when he hears about THIS!!" He ran, in his socks, to the front door and tried to get back into the day care building. It was locked. I went to carry him to the car, had to pry him loose from the door handle. When we got home, I just went in the house. He came in a few minutes later and went to his room. After a while he came out and apologized (also NOT common) and started telling me about all the things that had gone wrong that day. I listened, and then told him okay, I'm sorry you had a bad day, but that doesn't give you an excuse to act the way you did. He was upset that I didn't automatically give him 'points' for apologizing, but he still hugged me and stayed calm (very uncommon).

I am so lost...

I mean, I know I'm getting good advice, but have four years' experience in these things to do NOT working, and the situation actually getting WORSE instead of better.

DS spent all of yesterday in my sister's office on a cot. Didn't feel 'well enough' to go to school until he knew there was only 1/2 hour left... he just read books all day.

Called his teacher and was told that he had a bad day Wednesday and something he hadn't finished was due yesterday... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

OMGosh buttercup what a horrible thing to happen. I wonder if you couldn't somehow prove Parental Alienation Syndrome? This extreme anger directed toward you has to be fall out of his anger at his dad. See he feels safe being angry with you because he fears to be angry with his dad.

What is the official custody position with Dad?

I'm really worried about you because it is not good for him to so disrespect you! You say he is like this with the daycare and school as well? Is he taking any medication? He might be depressed...

Sunny

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ to you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I feel your anguish, frustration and pain.

Only one piece of advice from someone who has walked in similar shoes for 6 years with 4 older children , 2 with mental health diagnoses which X denies. These 4 have and are still being used as pawns in X's war against me despite his remarriage etc.......

Do not give up on your son and getting him the help he needs so desperately.
What I am gong to suggest will be very painful for you, but might actually achieve a future where you will be able to do what you have to as a mother for your son and daughter without X being able to use the children as pawns to emotionally destroy you.

Think about having your son live with your X, with him being the parent doing everything for him as you are now doing. It will very soon come apart. I have walked in your shoes.........At that point, you will renegotiate a parenting plan with your X where you will have 100% control over all decisions regarding your son's school, treatment etc and visitation will be seperate and apart from this and should be negotiated aswhat works for you, your family and most importantly, your son, not what is good for X.

I know that the older the children get, this never gets resolved and there comes a time when it becomes more and more unmanageable and more and more intervention, energy etc is needed......It is this that you want to protect your son and yourself from.

multiple post...sorry

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: amnow.ok ]</small>

multiple post...sorry

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: amnow.ok ]</small>

amnow.ok,

It wouldn't work that way, her ex lives with his parents and they do everything for him.

So it's not like he would be a single parent doing it all, his mom and dad would raise her son.

My ex suffers from dumasity. Actually, he seems to rather enjoy it.

After initiating a conversation in which I was trying to give him credit and taking responsibility for things I have failed to deal with successfully, he decided to seize the opportunity to not only kick me while I was down (not literally) and demean my entire FOO as well. What a piece of work.

I have to plan a course of action that includes my own self-preservation.

1.) I have to operate as if he is doing NOTHING detrimental to the children's emotional health. I can't prove it, and I certainly can't change it. So my strategy has to be between the children and I, and not take into consideration whether or not he is being a complete turd.

2.) My relationship with my son needs immediate emergency assistance. Resusitation. I have to throw out the whole because-I'm-the-mom-that's-why modus operandi because it not only doesn't work, it's making every interaction with him resemble a head-on collision.

I'm just hoping I can hold to the pattern. I'm trying the concepts from "The Explosive Child" and not sure I can maintain the level of let's-work-it-out that I need for it to succeed.

Anyone wants to join me on conductdisorders.com ... I'm glad to have the company.

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: xpButtercup ]</small>