Had a heart to heart talk this evening with my w. She has been distant the last few days. It started when I said that I would prefer she not be in contact with om. She said at the time that she understood my feelings. She said she would not call him, but she is in email contact with him. She told me tonight that she misses him terribly. She also said she was really discouraged about us, that she has no romantic love for me. She wants to do the right thing, but is afraid that I'll just go back to my old ways again. We haven't really started counseling yet, the first session we had last week was the "getting the story" session. She feels that she is at her wits end. I'm trying to be understanding and show unconditional love. She isn't sure how much longer she can stand it. Says she wants to just quit now. I don't know what to do. Our next counseling session isn't until mid week. We had such a nice day today. We both did things we enjoy doing together, things we've done in the past. Recreational companionship type things. She doesn't want my affection, so I give her hugs and kisses on the cheek, given flowers, cards, said I love you daily... How can I fulfil her emotional need for affection? I told her we haven't given it much time at all...that we haven't really been counseled... What should I do? Help!

Britn,<BR> I am so sorry for the pain you are in. But your wife is in a state of semi- withdrawl, I say semi because email is contact with the om. And you are right, one counseling session and a few weeks isn't enough to get past this. All you can do is keep doing those little things for her. And keep showing her the love you feel for her. I wish I knew a way for this to be over for all of us,and we could all live happily ever after, but since I don't all I can do is send you a hug and some prayers.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Britn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Hi Britn, deb is right. This is a very normal reaction to what happened. And yes counseling might help.<BR>Just keep doing you best to make her feel confortable, but take care not to overdo it, it will overwhelm her.<BR>Talking is good, even if both of you hurt a bit by it. Make sure that communication doesn't go down. DO not let her feel that it's o.k. for you that she continues to e-mail the om, but don't take it to personally either, it's normal that they still have some contact for a bit longer.<BR>ABove all, just give it some time, and find ways to avoid her leaving or feeling discouraged enough to think about leaving ( it really is easyer to work from the inside ).<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

Thanks for the encouraging words Deb. Last night we were both tired when we had our talk. We had a really emotional day yesterday. Went to a family get together then a college football game. (We're both big college football fans! She actually got me into college football when we met and we go to just about every home game.) She said she had a great time at the game and really enjoyed watching me get so excited. We haven't had much to get excited about lately. This morning is a little better for her so she says. I'm just worried that she will freak out and want to leave. She's such an emotional person and I'm afraid she'll act on her despair. This is soooooooo hard!

Kat1,<BR>She said she didn't see what good our talking does because it just causes more hurt. I told her that it hurts now but that in the long run it may help us heal. She says she forgives me for my neglectful past but that she can't forget it yet and can't get past it. That's why she thinks I'll just return to my old ways. She still doesn't have faith that people can make changes. She said she doesn't trust me. She's the betrayer! I can't trust her either! This is so frustrating.

the hard part about this is she still is "justifying" her affair. Your fault, etc. She still made the choice to have a relationship outside of marriage. <P>I never once claimed my H was to blame. And as far as the missing the OM and such, she has to stop having contact before she can begin withdrawal and recovery. And, until she accepts responsibility for her own actions, completely separate and aside from yours, she can't begin to do this. She sees the split from the OM as too painful, or never really knowing what "might have been". She needs to decide if she wants to throw away her marriage for something that may not be a "sure thing" or work hard at something that is worth the effort.<P>Best of Luck<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Dear BritN:<BR>Give it time. Don't pressure anything or expect her to do anything more than she wants to. Laughter is the best medicine. Do fun things together, enjoy life by maybe renting a funny comedy, going to a comedy club, a cruise, etc. Do try, however, to keep going to the counselor. I really think that both you of really need it. What did you mean when you said she is afraid that yu will go back to your old ways??? How long has it been since you have changed? If I knew that maybe I could expand on my answer.

Katya;<P>My old ways were neglect. I didn't fulfill her need for affection. She says I didn't let her in my heart. Said in the begining I did, but that I then began to shut her out. I had some problems years ago and it is true that I shut her out.