Hi folks, It has been over a year since my ex moved out to be with the OM. The divorce has been settled for quite some time.

Yet, I still feel the pain. In the past week I as I move about my house, I still see her there. I see her sitting in her favorite chair, where she would sit when we would have a quiet evening togther. I see her brushing her hair in our bathroom. I see her gardening outside.

I ask myself why did she have to do this thing?
Did she ever think of me when she was loving the OM?
Did she ever care what the affair would do to me?

I wish I could hate her. But, I can't.

Wow, I know it is common to come back to these feelings for quite a while, but they have never been as powerful as this before.

I can understand your pain. It has been 3 and a half years since my husband admitted his affair and made the decision to stay with me. While we are very happy, I am still haunted by the OW. For a very long time she harrassed me by phone almost daily. Now, she just calls once in a while. I feel pain every single day. I keep hoping that it will stop, but it never does. I guess that's why I came to this site to begin with. I keep trying to figure out a way to stop seeing the pictures in my head.... I know our situations are very different, but I just thought I'd let you know that I understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JustinExplorer:
<strong>Wow, I know it is common to come back to these feelings for quite a while, but they have never been as powerful as this before. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not, I think, unusual, Justin. You were married a long time, a year isn't really all that long, and healing doesn't come quick.

I noticed that I went through cycles of emotional intensity myself. After a while, the numbness wore off and I hurt. After a while, the denial wore off and I hurt. After a while, my heart opened up to someone else and again I hurt.

It takes time.

Justin,

I think you and I have tread on the same ground buddy; I had almost 2 years in the peaks and valley's you are talking about. Hopefully you walk out of there soon than I did...

Not a 12-step program by any means, but here's what got me over it all;
1) the calendar (I know - everyone says time, while true, not what you need today - sorry)
2) taking my thoughts captive (i.e. every time I thought of her, I remembered what happened, that she made a choice, and then I chose to put the memory, emotion, thought of her away - replacing it with something else)
3) prayer
4) "clearing the ground" (anything with strong attachments or memories were either thrown out or put out of sight)
5) Rearranged everything (replaced that what was practical/economical and shuffled everything else around - effectively turning the house over and making it appear different, if it doesn't make you forget her it, it will make you frustrated and give a problem to solve when you can't find the ____ that was always in THAT spot)
6) Dated - just company at first, serious (romance) stuff later (when you are ready, the first few will remind you of her, you'll compare with her, but it will fade)
7) Talk it out - vent to friends, family or here - you will get tired of talking about it and that will be a step further away from here.

You will have more days like this I am sorry to say. But it will pass. Hang in there! What you are feeling is normal, and in time, and in turn, it will pass.

Justin,

I think you have to make a clean break from the past. Ideally, you would move. The excitement of setting up a new home can generally boost morale, but in any case, you should make as clean a start as you can afford right now. That might mean just taking everything out of the house and getting rid of anything that you especially associate with your xw. Then put back in the items you are keeping - arranged in a completly different way. Paint the place (paint is the least expensive home improvement if you DIY).

Don't keep photos on display from those days. I'm not saying you should burn 'em, but certainly don't keep them out. Start some new traditions. Don't do holidays and vacations the same way you did with her. Don't eat in the same restaraunts (I never could spell that word). Get a new recipe book and cook things for yourself that she never cook (nor did you cook for her).

For example, if she used to play the piano (and you and your kids don't), sell it.

Since she was a gardener, have the gardens / flowerbeds etc. ripped out and replaced with new.

You get the idea.

-AD

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

And I thought I was the only one! My divorce from xWS was in 2002. We tried reconcilation for about another year. Yet for the past few days I have been crying and crying over the loss of our marriage...relationship. I didn't think I had any more tears left to cry.

I think a lot of it was that I'm going through cleaning boxes and closets that I had put off before. I knew I couldn't handle the memories then, but I thought I would be ok now. Afterall, I'd been doing some dating, and living on my own for a couple of years. I think there was still this tiny part of me thinking that I was going to wake up and find that it had all been a bad dream. It's still hard to believe that someone who said he loved me so much..that I had felt so loved by...could have betrayed me so deeply. Good thing I had a new box of Kleenex around! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Such a fitting thread for me tonight... I know where you're coming from. It's been almost 1.5 years since DDay. I've lived alone for over a year. And the DV was final 3 months ago. Yet tonight the ache was stronger than it's been in some time.

I have my ups and downs--up when I don't think of XH, down when I do. I'm not sure it's that I miss him (though I know I do) or that it breaks my heart to see this man I've known since I was 15 destroying his life in multiple ways, and there's nothing I can do to stop him.

But I hadn't physically SEEN him in nearly 2 months. Hadn't even spoken with him in a couple weeks or so. But tonight my daughter finally decided she'd spend a night at his place, and so I dropped her off because OW had their only car and she was out.

He invited me in for a minute. I'm dumb, so I went. We talked. He was in what seems to be his continual state of being tipsy--just enough to be chatty. He seems to feel like I'm his "pal". We transacted some business. And then he wanted to show me all his stuff from the Paris trip he and OW took in November. And I'm in this continued Plan A or something--I did my best to detach from the emotions and pretend he was just another friend.

My heart was in my throat the whole time, but I did my best job in a long time making like I was really happy and upbeat. And I was looking decent--still dressed in my work clothes. I don't want him to think he's winning. But it is SOOOO hard to see what he's become and to think of all we've lost, and not just break down right there.

I told him that I heard congrats were in order (referring to his engagement). He gave me his usual "uh oh, I've been caught" fishy grin. I asked about a date. He said none was set. I asked if I'd ever even know if they were married. He just smiled again. I muttered under my breath "well, maybe there's still time for your eyes to open." I don't think he heard me--he has hearing loss.

And OW's toddler was at home with him, standing there by his leg saying "My daddy!" among other things I couldn't understand. She's darling, but that's hard for me, and for our daughter who was sitting there on the sofa taking it all in.

And then when I hugged my daughter good-bye and was leaving, here was the toddler with her lips all puckered wanting me to kiss her bye, too. I feel sorry for what she lives in daily. I gave her a kiss.

As I was walking to the door, he told me it had been good seeing me. I'm not even sure what I said after that. I just walked out the door, to my car, and started bawling as I drove away.

Refocused long enough to stop and gas up my car (thank goodness for pay-at-the-pump so that I didn't have to go inside), and then proceeded to cry the entire 10 miles home.

My problem is that I keep thinking of how we did this or that together, or I'll see something that will remind me of vacations we took together, or I'll pass restaurants we used to frequent. I'm lucky that we don't have small kids, and that I don't have to see him all the time. I can stay busy enough not to think of him sometimes. But then those reminders come and the pain comes back again.

Found myself dwelling earlier today on how I didn't let him come home in June because he couldn't commit to NC and to getting help for his drinking. I believed at the time he was only wanting to come home because he was very uncomfortable where he was living. But today I was rehashing the whole deal, thinking "What if I would have let him come home? Could we have saved the M? Is it my fault?" Guess I'll never know.

It's hard. Especially when you've spent the majority of your life with someone.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LL

Excellent advice. Some I'd never thought of.
One more I'll throw into the pot here - BURN ALL if not most of your pictures together.
It sure helped me!
Of course, she kept nearly all of them anyway and I only had one or two to burn, so that didn't affect her much... but it sure was healing for me!
JMHO,
Sauron

I understand what you all are saying. It's hard to be in the same place where you shared the same experiences and dreams. Change is the key. Not so much in yourself as in your surroundings. Get back to the basics of living on your own with friends and family around to support you. I'm doing things now that I've always wanted to do but never had the time or the freedom to do. I don't care about what she's doing now because I know in my heart of hearts that my way of living is right. Do I miss her still sometimes? Sure. That might never change but there are also some things that I don't miss and the way I look at it, those things outweigh the good times. I guess that's a good reason not to be together anymore. She called me about a month ago and everything she said bothered me to the point where I had to change my #. I don't want to know how she's doing because to be brutally honest, if it's not with me, I could care less. I'm trying not to feel anything for her and that includes empathy and pity. I guess the grass is always greener depending on your point of view and that's something that we never could agree upon.

The one thing that has helped me to let go is knowing I don't deserve to treated the way stbx has treated me. I think back on his passive/aggressive behavior, how I felt guilty & responsible, how I tried so hard while he was not, & the list goes on.

I'm sure you deserve better too.

You don't have to hate your ex, but do recognize she isn't the person you need her to be. You picture her being a good person, picture her as the person who caused you such pain.

I will sometimes picture my stbx looking at me with no love, only wishing to move on to his "new life", is he the person I want to share myself with? No. He is incapable of being intimate with me or sharing himself with me & I deserve that & want that from the person I want to be with.

The photos are another tricky one for me. Afterall, this has been MY life for the past several years. If I toss the photos...I toss out several years of my life. And most of those years were good years. Then there are the photos taken at family gatherings. He's from a large Irish Catholic family. I'll probably pass them on to him at some point, but again, that was part of my life, too. Photos of our children (from previous marriages),growing up, are mixed in.

Little by little I'm going through the photos. When it gets too painful, I leave them for awhile and go back at it at another time. (There are a few family gathering photos I cut myself out of because I was at my heaviest weight. My ego couldn't stand the thought of the OW ever seeing me look like that! It's hard enough that the OW was only 21 when their affair started and my xWS was 47. Ouch! )

And then there's those lovely "Our First Christmas Together" ornaments! Hey...maybe I should pass those on to the OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I thought about dropping those first Christmas together ornaments, the sound of them breaking could have been theraputic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The more I think about it, the more I realize I have to think of my ex-wife as being dead. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I have said it very often: "The woman I married does not exist anymore." Now I have to believe it.

Thanks for all of the supportive comments. They are greatly appreciated.

Justin -

I've been going through this for 2 years. FINALLY the pain is gone. I've accepted the fact that my WH chose someone else. I've said for some time that my husband is dead. He no longer exists.

I have lost the conviction that my husband and I were meant for each other, that we had something special that could not be shared or severed.

But I have moved on with my life and am happy again. You will get there too.

Check out Ambiguous Loss. This little book explains a lot.

-AD

Hi Justin,

I understand what you are saying, I wasn't married to my ex but for 6yrs and together a total of 10 yrs. We've been apart since 97, I'm remarried and have a son with my H but there are still moments where I miss my ex. The first 4 yrs were the hardest. There were times I would miss him so much my whole body ached.

My counselor once told me that it takes longer than you think to get over a divorce. There are also stages to go through and it depends on your emotional capacity as to how fast or slow it goes.

You were with your wife a long time and it's understandable you feel the way you do!!!

Right now for me, I just sent a certified letter to my ex saying that within the next 4 months I want to move to AZ. Whenever I think of my ex reading that letter my heart sinks and my stomach gets queezy. I don't want him to hurt but at the same time I know this is a great thing to do (schooling, job, home, etc etc etc)

What Difil8ade said is very true!

My heart aches for you. The pain is so strong and so deep. I also understand the not being able to hate them. My Husband has cheated repeatedly and hurt me beyond comprehension, but I still love him. I honestly do not think they love themselfs. In some ways I feel sorry for people like that. I wish my Husband knew what it was like to love someone so much you could never , ever consider cheating on them. I wish they could love themselfs enough to live by morals, values, and the commandments. I would recommend getting involved in an upbeat fun Church and making some good Christian friends.. It does not make the pain go away, but you might have some moments were you actually do not think about it and you might have some small joyful moments.