</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>I don't intend to date for quite a while. No singles groups around here that I know of, not intending to be intimate before M (which really knocks down my chances of serious relationships), and am not convinced I could actually make someone happy long term, so have no business dating right now anyway. I see a therapist, but I'm not really sure we're getting anywhere--she and I don't really see eye to eye on values/morals.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The therapist may still prove helpful in some areas. (I am a firm believer in the idea that it is possible to learn from anybody; although, to be sure, I am also of the opinion that therapists often do more harm than good - not so much because they are incompetent, but because they can only work on the basis of what they are told, which means they often end up reinforcing lies.) However, I am not happy about your therapist expressing her opinion that a no-sex-before-marriage stand is going to hurt you.

Think about it. That stand does not reduce your chance of a serious relationship. It reduces your risk of a casual relationship. Personally, I have no interest whatsoever in dating a woman who does not share my belief that it is better to reserve sex for marriage - not just because I would want someone who shares my moral values, but also because I want someone who shares my spiritual values. If that cuts down on the pool of women who might be interested in me (a pool which at this point appears to be empty, I might add)...well, to that I say "Great!"

The bottom line is that if God decides to play matchmaker, the "odds" don't mean a thing to Him.

And while I don't believe that God will play matchmaker until He has finished preparing us (a process which we can slow, of course!), I also don't believe that God is going to withhold that blessing as punishment - or grant it as a reward either, for that matter. He gives us what He knows to be best for us even as He uses us in the fulfillment of His purposes.

As for "singles groups" - I really don't know which makes me shudder more: the idea of going to a church/Christian "singles group", or the idea of cruising the clubs. Not that past (or present) experience suggests I have anything to worry about, but I hate, hate, hate the idea of walking into a situation where I might be viewed as some sort of commodity or prey. I have no interest in desperate women, thank you, or women who are just doing what everyone else does while "waiting" for life to happen to them. The kind of woman who would interest me is one who is actively engaged in her own life, deciding what she values as an independent person and pursuing those interests.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I stay at work until 7-8pm just because there are things I can do and it's what I'm used to doing. Better than coming home and sitting here alone. And I'm tired and it's dark out and I don't have any ambition to try and find some club to join.

...I'm a homebody. I don't really care to go out and be social and out on the town.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, let's see if I've got this straight: you're a homebody who stays at work late because you don't like to go home and sit there alone.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm an introvert. I consider myself something of a homebody, because I like being at home - yes, by myself - and that's where I recharge. But, I have an active social life. Not because I wander the club scene, but because there are things I like to do that take me out of the house and friends who always have something going on.

Take today, for example. A week ago, I was looking at my calendar trying to decide whether I should invite some friends over for dinner today. Then I found out about a training opportunity for something I'm involved in, and then I got an invitation for a small party a friend was having. I was invited to go out with some friends yesterday (which I ended up not doing because I had to work late), I had classes on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. Monday night I was supposed to get together with someone but I was sick.

Yeah, it's tiring sometimes, but it's a little different when something's already sitting on your calendar, versus trying to decide whether you're feeling up to going out and facing the world alone. And the thing is, when you decide to have a life, you meet people.

Just say "no" to spouse-hunting and dating, and say "yes" to living.

Of course, I have no children, which may make my situation considerably different. Your mileage may vary.

It is worth noting that two years ago, I had no life at all. I spent virtually every evening sitting at home reading, watching TV, browsing the Internet, or playing video games.

I want to feel like someone thinks I'm special.

Sweetie, when are you going to start treating YOURSELF like you're special?

What about a bubble bath instead of all that staying late at work?

What about buying yourself flowers at the store?

What about practicing how you want to be treated in a new relationship by treating YOURSELF that way?

What about sending yourself a box of Godiva chocolates?

What about a glass of wine with dinner?

What about reading a completely silly and mindless novel just for the fun of it?

LL,

I do not often reply on your threads. Don't know why exactly. Perhaps because in a lot of ways I feel far inferior to the Christian woman I perceive you to be. Perhaps because when I hear you baring your soul, I high tail it outta here. Why?

Perhaps because my soul is often singing the same song, and I do not want to admit it, hear it, face it, or deal with it.

I am knee deep in a study right now by Christian author Joyce Myers called the Love Walk. She asserts that if the bible says our #2 calling is to love one another (second only to loving the Lord our God with all our mind, body, sould and spirit), then we had better get really good at love.

And you know what I am starting to realize (intellectually I see it plain as day, in practice, well, that is another story)??????

I am starting to realize that I had better find out a way to love myself in a balanced way so that I will be equipped enough to love others.

For my own reasons, I have been slowly dying inside for a long long time. And instead of facing the hurt, letting God do much needed surgery and repair work, I got really adept at stuffing it all down. Or so I thought. Instead, it would erupt up in overconfidence (a coping mechanism to overcompensate), or worse, total rage. I would go from zero to total ballistic, explosive anger in 6 seconds. The poison was still inside, only instead of purging it, it was seeping out and poisoning everyone else around me.

I was at the alter praying at church the other day. I started to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. I was thinking about all the events over the course of my life where I just knew GOD was there. It made me cry because I was thinking how totally unworthy I was of His love, grace, and attention. And I was praying and weeping at the alter, just in utter amazement at God's grace.

A sweet lady in the church, one of the elder's wives and a powerful woman in God, came up behind me and started just praying in a whispers voice behind me, rubbing my back. She does not know me very well, and knows nothing of my situation, but she could see I was dealing with something up there at that alter last Sunday.

This, for some weird reason, made me cry even harder. I was a wreck up there, losing all my mascara, tears flowing, my stomach in a knot, with all the feeling of inadequacy, hurt, rejection, betrayal, and that stupid voice inside me YELLING about how unworthy I am.

She leaned down and whispered into my ear.

"The Lord is telling me to say something to you."

Of course that got my attention.

"He says, 'I love you. You are my daughter. You are not perfect, and no, you could never EARN my love, but I give it freely. I love you. Every time you feel the wind blowing around you, that is me, your Father in Heaven holding you in an embrace. Won't you accept that you are my child? Won't you accept that you were fearfully, wonderfully made? Won't you accept that I knew you when you were conceived, that I knitted you in your mother's womb? Won't you believe that you are deserving, as my child, of the plans I have in store for you."

I just cried and cried and cried and cried. In that moment, I thought about my own children. No matter what they do, how bone-headed they act, no matter how disobedient they are, no matter how MAD I GET, I love them so much. And I know nothing they could do, adultery, murder, lies, none of it will ever change that. All those things would deeply hurt me, anger me, dissappoint me, etc., but I could never stop loving them.

In that moment my heart was so happy.

GOD DOES LOVE ME!

Wow.

The bible says "Love you neighbor as yourself."

That implies some need for self love.

I am not talking about arrogance, pride, or condescension. I am talking about loving yourself in a God-balanced way.

I am talking about getting inside of you, deep down inside, the undeniable truth that God loves you. And that you are made in His image. That you are made to receive and accept His love.

If that is not true, than what, Jesus died for garbage???

Maybe you need to have that "alter experience" I was speaking about?

Since then, I have to constantly remind myself. When I hear the self loathing nagging creep in my mind, I stop, and say, "No...God loves me. I am His daughter. He PURPOSELY made me! Wow!"

And I do not care how long I have to keep reminding myself. I guess until I no longer ever doubt it again.

Already it has increased my ability to love Him. It makes me want to do better, learn more, love Him more. There is something building up in me, a reserve, a "supply" that was never there before when I let the self hatred prevail. That self loathiung would suck me dry.

LL, God loves you. It may sound cheesy, cliche or whatever.

When are you going to believe it?

lordslady I hope you can see that your your own lady and not the lords....

As the kids grow up they ask more questions and its OK if they know the truth. and they should.

Now you seem very level headed and I am not worried about you and you should not think your going to be alon efor ever.

If he DV you he obviously needed an excuse and so he took it.

Your gonna be fine, I can tell by your determination to want to succeed... as for that so called pastor... Well he will go on hurting people and these are the types of pastors that this world does not need.

Nick

Hi LL!!

I would like to recommend a book for you. It is called Forgiven Forever by Joe Beam. After growing up in the church you described, you will probably really benefit from it. It is available on Amazon.com.