First I would like to say to Author mace00 in "seperation" that I feel your pain and am a very similar situation. I didn't want to add my story to your post. My wife of just over 3 years and been together for 10 years since high school seperated from me on Saturday 4 days ago. We have a 23 month son. We have been in problems for about a year and tried counseling. She stopped it because she didn't think it worked. Where I got a lot of progress out of it. She says she needs her space and doesn't know what she want's. Her, her sister (who has lived with us for 14 months) and my son moved into their dads. She is letting me see him so that's good. I've been trying to give her space but it's so hard. I realize I made mistakes and counseling has helped me realize this. From then I have been working sooo hard to fix them and save our marriage. She just keeps saying she needs space and she loves me and is sorry. She says that were both unhappy and she realizes that I'm trying so hard but she can't right now. Has anyone's seperation worked? Has anyone here been in a similar position?

Widgit I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
This is the worst time of your life right now you just have to find a way to stay strong and go about things day by day..Since you are early in your seperation let me give you some advice and maybe you can learn from my mistakes. For the first month amd 1/2 i begged, cried and pressured her to come back and the only thing that accomplish was pushing her further away, so the best thing you can do is give her space and let her figure things out on her own..Let her see what she is throwing away..I have read all the e-books out there and most agree that the best thing you can do is 1) Stop Pressuring 2) Agree with everything she says 3) Act happy - go out with friends when you are ready..I recommend buying "divorce Busters" it is a good read and really builds your confidence..Don't stop being a father because you have just as much right to your kid as your wife..Protect yourself..Please feel free to write me anytime and maybe we can through this together..Best of Luck!!!Stay Strong!!

That's some good advice mace. I've been pretty good on not begging but the space thing is hard. I actually see her everyday so far with pick up and exchange of our son. But every time we leave it's like starting over again. I'm wondering if she is seeing another man. She says no but I'm not sure. Staying happy is hard especially infront of her. I know I have to get there but actually doing it is another story. Thanks for the advice and email offer. We have to get through it no matter what.

Widget,
Have you read the Concepts on the site, if not, go there immediately.
Learn how to avoid lovebusters and rekindle the love in your relationship.
It can be done, you just need to show her the person you can be. You can only change yourself, not another person. If you become the best person you can be, you can attract your wife, and recover your M. Good luck.

Widget,

I'm very sorry for your situation.

My W moved out when our child was just a baby and it just about killed me!

I missed my baby much more than I missed my wife.

We've been back together for awhile, but looks like Div is coming now.

I hate to tell you this, but in situations like this, there is a very high probability that there is another man involved.

You need to put some surveilance in place. Don't wait like I did.

-AD

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Thanks newly for the suggestion. I think I read it but I check it out again.

AD Thanks for your sympathy. I'm also sorry to hear about you. I've wonderd many times and your not thr first to suggest someone else. She has had a few instances in the past pre and post early marriage. She swears it wasn't intimate just kissing. But oviously I have my doubts. She swears now that nothing has ro is happening sense then.

I've considerd a PI but I don't think I can afford it.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: widget ]</small>

widget,

Well, I guess my idea won't work for you.

-AD

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Thanks AD but I'm not sure how this would work because were seperated. Also she drives for a living.

Hello all... I am in the same boat.. my wife actually moved out 6 days ago after about 5 weeks of in-house separation. She said she needed her "space" or else there was no chance for us! What could I say?? She says she needs to "find" herself.. She can see I've changed, and the separation could work for the better - "if she wanted to".. I can't make her - I can only prove to her that I love her. I have been seeing my Chaplain almost daily since I found out she wanted out, and I've been going to a counselor every week too.. They all said that it would be better if we could work on things in-house if possible - especially because of the kids.. But when she says that it is the "only" chance we may have - then I have no choice but to support her.. and I did.. she has moved into a house, and I helped her move.. We have agreed that she will have the kids for one week, and then me for the next - trying to be fair to the kids and to us. We can also schedule time to see the kids during the week we don't have them.. I try to see them every other day or so.. Yet, I'm still trying to stay out of her way and give her her space.. That is sooooo tough to do... but at this point - it's in her hands... All I can do is read, cousel, and become a better person.. I just bought the His Needs/Her Needs and Lovebusters, and I'm hoping that she will be open to reading it.. HOPE. HOPE. HOPE.. I think separation "could" help "if" both people are open to working on the relationship... Good luck...

JDS..Sounds very familiar. Sorry to hear about it. I don't understand the "space" thing myself but we're not women either. The space is VERY HARD I agree. I want nothing more that to talk to her but she doesn't. I can emagine moving her would be heart breaking. I hope ours doesn't come to that. My fear is that she want's to leave for good but doesn't have the guts to tell me. She is on a business trip for the next 3 days so that's good. We are supposed to have a date Friday so I'm looking forward to that. I just hope she keeps it up.

Hey Guys,

In most cases, sorry to say, they need space so they can spend more time with their other man.

I know you don't want to hear that. I wish it wasn't true of my wife, but that's the usual case.

-AD

Yeah - I've had suspitions of someone else, especially since she admitted having an "emotional" friend at her work before she was fired a couple of weeks ago... but she keeps assuring me that is not the case.. But I still have to wonder.. Her thinking doesn't seem reasonable to me.. She seems to be unable to even give me a chance.. Regardless of the years we've been together, or the two kids we have..

My previous posting was on 6 March, and at that time, she was still saying that there was a chance for us - possibly - .. that she hadn't thrown in the towel.. And she seemed open to couseling (although I think hers is hurting more than helping), and reading.. Now I get a call on Tuesday morning (8 March) - just two days later... and she tells me on the phone that at this time, she doesn't see "ANY HOPE" for us.. WHAT??? She says she has had some time to think, and she said that being there for that one week with the kids, it felt all right.. not much different she said - then being at home with me..
I was quite upset.. I talked to my Chaplain.. and then I went over there, as scheduled, after work - to drop off some stuff from our house.. and to take the kids to a movie.. I told her that I had thought about it.. and that I'm sorry.. Sorry that she felt she had lost all hope, and that it was my fault.. I had pushed her to that point.. and that I wanted her to know that I Loved Her.. and that I was committed to being her husband (while I had the priveledge of being that), and to being a good father.. She just kind of looked at me with that deer in the headlights look.. and didn't say anything..
After I brought the kids back from the movies - she had some food cooking, and she asked if I wanted some.. So I stayed for a little bit... Then, she asked if I wouldn't mind staying a little longer to watch the kids, and maybe tuck them in.. so she could take a nice bath.. I said that was fine.. She went in and took a bath.. I took care of the kids... I brought her in a soda for her at the tub.. She was reading the His Needs/Her Needs book..
That night, just after her bath - a friend of hers called, telling her that she was leaving her husband cause they just got in a big fight.. My wife told her that she was reading a book (Hn/Hn) and that it was actually pretty good.. I truly hope it helps our situation.. I'm actually reading a copy too... and some of it I don't see as helping our situation much at all.. but we'll see..
I "finally" got the kids to mellow out and go to bed - and she put in a movie, and said I was welcome to watch it if I wanted.. She also said her legs hurt.. so I offerred to rub her legs for her.. She said, ok if you insist.. and I said - no, I'm not insisting, I'm offerring.. so if you think it would help and make you feel good, then my hands are at your disposal.. She told me where to get the moisturizer - and so I did and rubbed the back of her legs down (she was only wearing a skimpy nighty.. I asked her if she wanted anything else rubbed, and at first she said whatever.. then I had to run downstairs because of a noise.. and when I came back she was laying under the covers.. I asked her again if she wanted anything else rubbed and this time she said no she was fine... So I watched the last 45 minutes or so of the movie.. Then I got up and told her that I loved her, and left..
I'm sorry this is so long... my apologies.. anyway, yesterday (9th) she calls me all upset about the dogs making a mess because I left them in the crate Tuesday night.. She was ranting about everything.. That the kids were stressing her out.. that "how" can she be independent, if she can't get things like washcloths, or baking pans.. and on and on.. I tried to console her and make her feel less stressed.. I offerred her this: I told her that if she wanted - I would come to her place and take our kids so that her and her newly separated friend Mrs. M could talk... I also said I would take one of the dogs back to lessen that stress.. I also told her I would look around the house and try to think of things that she could use that I could share with her.. Sooo - I did that.. I loaded up the van with some stuff (wash cloths, towels, baking pans, a fan, a small TV) and then I went out, bought her a single pink rose and a card. In the card I simply put that I hoped the card made her smile, and that the rest of her day when better.. Then I signed it: I Love You, Your Husband J.D.S. I also brought her some Pepsi, since I know she likes it..
When I got there - she was in a better mood, and her friend Mrs. M was there.. I was a little late by the time I got there, so my kids wanted to stay and play with Mrs Ms two kids.. I gave her all the stuff I brought including the flower/card. She read the card and put he flower and card on the counter.. I asked if it made her smile.. She didn't say anything..
I hung around for about 45 minutes, and then she mentioned that her friend M.J. a single female was coming.. I got ready to leave, and she mentioned that she was thinking of asking me to stay longer so that all three of them could go out to Ladies Night at a dance club... She said that Mrs M didn't think that I would but that she (my wife) said that the "new and improved" me would do it... I said no - I don't think so,, and that it wasn't fair to ask me to do that.. I told them I would for anything else, but not for them to go out dancing.. My wife said - but you would when we were together.. I replied - yes, but we now have issues we are dealing with and we are supposed to be working on our marriage, so I didn't think it was right... By the way - she has gone out dancing every week since I was told there was a problem back around 20 January.. I then left... Come to find out - they didn't go out (although they would have if I accepted)... they stayed at her place and got drunk.. I found out because I called around 9:00 last night to see if my kids were going to call me to say goodnight.. but they had already gone to sleep. That's the last I have heard from them as of this morning (10th).
My wife is supposed to see my Chaplain today (with some resistance) to initiate the process of marriage counseling and setting up a separation agreement... I am praying that something comes out of this that helps us... We are supposed to get with him together tomorrow to continue the process...
I just can't understand.. She says she needs her space because that's the "only" chance we have.. Then she moves out.. and one week later tells me she doesn't think there is any hope for us.. How can she not feel anything for me, or see the changes in me.. If her and I were to meet today for the first time in our lives, I know we would start up a wonderful relationship... but that's because she wouldn't be holding on to past bad feelings or be resistant to being open to me... It's just so damn painful... I don't know if I can keep this up... I know I have too... but wow!! I just don't know... Please help??

Oh my God!! Sorry to add another one.. but I just finished with my posting when my wife called me at work.. We were on the phone for over an hour.. She said she didn't think she wanted to see the Chaplain today.. She also didn't want to do marriage counseling.. She didn't feel it would do any good or change how she feels.. She said she does not see any way that she could be "in Love" with me again.. That no matter what "changes" I've made.. I could never make up for the past 12 years (which haven't been all bad... there were alot of good times).. but her feelings right now - she doesn't think she could ever have the Love feelings for me again that a man and wife should have..

It basically sounds like she wants to go straight to Divorce Court to me.. Before she moved out she said things like: "I never mentioned the "D" word", and "I picture us separating, and then after awhile dating, starting fresh, and maybe putting the past behind us".. and now - she is saying this stuff, and it appears to be over.. The Hope I had for a reunification for us is fading very very fast... She said that she said those things because she wasn't out of the house, and couldn't think straight.. but now she says she's had time to think, and she doesn't see me in her future - now, or 5 years... etc.. HOLY CRAP!!

Is it really over??? It is so hard for me to imagine that she wouldn't even "try" or be "open" to looking at possibilities... if not for us, then for our kids... I've told her that other people - on this site and from Dr. Harley's books - have had the exact same feelings and said the exact same things - but they were open to the "possibilities".. and that many of them had fallen back In-Love with each other...

I guess I just need to accept the fact that she is not going to stop until it is over.. I am so very sad at this moment - my stomach is twisting... I can't believe I have lost my wonderful Jen... and that I can't win her back no matter what...

I did (I think) manage to get her to say she would see the Chaplain today... although, at this point - I don't think it's going to make any difference.. It appears my life as her husband is over... and the kids are going to have to start a life of being pulled in different directions, and eventually dealing with "step" parents.. Oh my God!! I am so scared....

JD I feel for you. My wife is not far from yours and I can see it. I also don't know what to do and can't believe my life is falling apart and that I'm losing the woman I love more than anything. I've been trying for months to get my wife to counseling but no luck. I'm not really sure on what to say to you but continue talking to us and your chaplin. Good luck I'll keep you in my prayers.

Don't mean to interrupt you guys conversation here, but there were times in my marriage when I needed space. It wasn't to be with another man, mine was for a chance to recover from the way I had been treated. My H didn't see where he had treated me badly at all, and still doesn't. But through communications from Dr. Harley, I learned taht the things he was excusing were actually abuse. My now XH still refuses to acknowledge his part in any of it. I know I did things wrong just like he did, but I learned from mine and tried to do better. He refused. Dr. H said that a situation like ours was actually frequent in second marriages, but he also told me that the way my H was behaving, he would never have a relationship last with anyone.
I didn't want the space - I needed it. I cried and it ripped me apart.
We've been apart since 11June04 and just yesterday something happened to remind me of the things I missed. I cried for two hours and had a headache I couldn't get rid of. If I'd had my way, we would have kept on working on things, but he just threw everything Dr. H recommended out the window and basically said he was asking too much.
Believe it or not, there are a few good women out here. It hurts to be labeled when you've tried so hard and given so much.
Be careful of your assumptions. You can let them take over sometimes, even if they aren't true. It could just be that someone has been through a similar situation that ended up being that way. ALL situations have their differences. And we are all guilty of leaving some important factors out. Sometimes they might not seem all that important to us but are a big deal to our SO. And viceversa.
Don't build up negatives that aren't proven yet. They will only serve to build a wall that is harder to climb than the one you are trying to climb now.
God Bless and Take Care!
Becki

By the way, I just finished reading the last couple of posts. I really do feel for you. I know what kind of hell it can be trying to reconcile. No matter what I wish only the best for you. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you are hurting so bad. I've been there. It feels like it will never end - the pain I mean. It's almost like burning in Hell itself.
I'm still struggling with everything that's been going on in my life. And only in the past month or two have I started being able to see a glimpse of light at the end of a long, long tunnel. My counselor told me that the feelings would have to fade over time, but it feels like 10 months ought to bring some relief. He tells me that it didn't all happen overnight and it won't all get to feeling better overnight. I sure am ready for a break though. I finally gave up last October when my H had me backed up in a corner screaming in my face. I told the lawyers about it and they said for me to call the law if he set foot on my property again. That was a hard one to swallow for someone who wanted things to work out so badly.
I hope things get better for you. And I know that sometimes hope is a hard thing to see. I see no hope in my future right now. I'd have such a hard time trying to trust a guy again until I'm afraid that if I found a good one I'd do something to mess it up just out of sheer fear. They say we have a tendency to make the things we fear the most - happen. Just because we believe so strongly that they will happen. It doesn't really make sense to me - but I have seen it happen more times than one.
Once again-
Take Care and God Bless!
Becki

jnb
I'm not trying to label anyone.. really.. I am just trying to get a grip of why she is so very resistant to working on the marriage.. Maybe after some time has passed... I think time is on my side right now.. so hopefully she won't be in a hurry to end our marriage.. Best case scenario for me at this point would be for her to do "any" kind of couples/marriage counseling, and to allow time to pass.. Time for her to heal, and time for her to see that the changes in me are not a show just to get her back...

I can only hope... that is all I have to hold onto right now... I'm grasping at straws... It is so hard to work on myself as far as keeping myself busy and not dwelling on my misery - when in fact my misery is impacting how and if I can do anything entertaining or something to occupy my time... She doesn't have that problem.. as she is in party, party mode... like this weekend - I know she is basically going to be "gone" for the weekend drinking and partying... that all by itself makes my stomach turn... God knows what could or might happen..

But - I guess, there's nothing I can do about that... It is so hard being nice and upbeat (trying to deposit to her Love Bank) while I'm hurting so very badly.. and while her actions such as the partying and dancing is tearing me apart...

I do think I need to concentrate more on me, and make a point not to see her so much.. I need to give her the space she needs... It just is very hard not to see my kids for a week at a time... That's just not right... but I don't know how else to give her the space she needs without also eliminating/severely limiting seeing my kids...

This whole situation just purely sucks... If I could make one wish in my life - I would wish for her to be open to working on our marriage... God - please hear my prayer...

JDS I think our wives are friends! Mine is also in party mode. I have our son this weekend and I know she just keeps going out and drinking all weekend. And we just have to sit here and wonder and drive ourselves crazy!! Why do the ones you fight for so hard want to fight to leave? Why is trust one of the most important qualities, yet is so easy to loose and rebuild? I think it's lifes sick joke. I keep finding myself looking at personal adds and I keep compareing them to my W. Which just makes me feel worse. Why can they see that we don't want anyone else and are willing to go to the moon and back for them? Don't they care? Or do they but are too chicken **** to tell us the truth!!

JNB - Becky,,

Thank you for you last posting.. and I'm sorry for your pain as well.. It does sound like you are in a better situation now, then before.. but it still hurts I know..

I just came from the very first couseling meeting my wife and I have been to since this all started almost 2 months ago... Unfortunately, where I had some hope yesterday that she might be open to the possibilities of marriage counseling and "seeing" if we might be able to work on the marriage.. she stated pretty clearly today that she does not see anything for us except divorce... She seems to have closed herself off to any possiblity of reconciliation.. The only tiny thread of hope came from one statement... My Chaplain asked her: If I continued on my path of improvement and proved to her that it was for real, could she see it as a possibility for us to get back together in 3, 6, 12 months... She said she didn't know what the future holds.

I know that isn't much, but as my Chaplain put it... that sounds like a door that is not locked... That is simply the only thread of hope that I have to run on at this point... How desperate am I?? Holy crap... sad, sad, sad... but I Love Her with all my heart..