He came by today saying he wanted to reconcile. Our divorce is scheduled to be final in just 3 weeks. I'm scared.

He lies so much I don't know what to believe.

He said that the OW says she loves him and he just smiles and winks back at her.

He's bought her a lot of flowers, lingerie, dinners, etc. but says they've only had sex a handful of times since he moved in with her 6 months ago.
At the same time he says that she is willing to put him through medical school. (She has $)

If that's true then why would he want to come back to me now?

Men, how do you see this situation from a male perspective?

Is he just playing me so he doesn't have to pay child support and half the daycare costs?

What do you all think?

I'm so confused right now.

Why did he wait until the last minute to want to reconcile??

I could've avoided six grand in attorney fees and a lot of emotional hell if he wouldn't have left in the first place moving in with the fat skank.

TessW,

I'm a man. (Gee, that's a weird sentence, not the sort of thing a guy has to say very often).

Anyway, I don't think I have any special insight on this. Just watch his actions more closely than his words. He's still living with her. I don't know what he's talking about.

You remember the song from "My Fair Lady"?
Show Me!

That's what he's gotta do.

As for the CS. In many states, the total household income in considered. So, if OW is rich - and they marry, you will get more CS. Check it out with your lawyer.

-AD

Hi Tess,

I agree with AD, actions speak louder than words.

Let him prove to you that he means what he says.

If you think you may want to slow the "D" process down to see if he means what he says... talk to your attorney and see what they say.

It's a tough place to be since your coming up for the final.

From a personal stand point... my exW use to say that she wanted the "M", when it looked like I was going to end it. I called my "D" off seven times before I finally said "enough". Things never got better in my "M"... they got worse.

Hang in there, and say a long prayer about it.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thanx guys.

I don't know if I can handle dragging out the divorce process any longer than it has to be.

Firstly, I don't have the financial means to drag it out; and secondly I don't think emotionally I can live in this constant state of limbo.

I don't know how much time to give him to prove his actions.


My husband is very vain. Deep down I wonder if I was still a size 12 (pregnancy size) instead of a size 5 whether or not he would be trying to reconcile. That really worries me. I don't want to go through the ramifications of reconciliation just to have him trade me in for a younger thinner woman 10 years down the road.

I'm 34 and don't even intend to go above a size 5 ever again but you never know with a vain man. There's always someone prettier out there.

Plus, like I said if this OW is willing to put him through medical school - then why the heck is he trying to get back together with me? If he really loves me then wouldn't he have never left in the first place?

Tess, I am not a guy...but would like to tell you all he has done is spout out words at you..

He came by and "SAID" he wanted to reconcile. Meanwhile he's saying other foggy things...like ow's wanting to put him thru med school. Tell jerko that my sister put my bro in law thru med school and he's stayed with his wife. Tell him that wives can help their husbands thru professional school just like men can help their wives if they want to move ahead.

Tell him you will stop immediate divorce proceedings if he is willing to put his actions and words in unison.

I'd say something like: Well H, so much has happened. I MIGHT be open to reconciliation, but first there are some issues I would like you to help with...and it would be good because during our time healing, it would show both support and good faith on your behalf to our reconciliation.

A few things I would want solidified:
1)legal and binding separation agreement. Also wording added that should he relapse into his infidelity and immoral lifestyle, that the legalities of the separation agreement would be immediately implemented into a final divorce settlement without change.
2)that he agree enthusiastically to both IC and MC...WITH YOU...and with a MB coach too.
3)that he immediately move out from OW and sever ties with her completely. NC should happen immediate or he's not sincere.
4)should be willing to account to you, his W, for all his spare time, and show his faithfulness. You have to see that as a BS.

You do not do anything. He has to do all these things. If not, it's not a reconciliation.

If he doesn't do these things, the words uttered from your WH are just the musings of a man on a complete sugar-high from too much damn cake eating. He could be in cake/carbo overload and his brain be warped.

I know this is what you "want to hear". We want to make sure this guy is't trying a new ploy to cheat you in the divorce proceedings...just a side note, my xh tried the "reconcile" card a few weeks before final filing by me..he used the time he bought to hide and disperse joint finances so he could remain living like James Bond and cheat his family out of money.

I just want you to be wise. You can both choose to reconcile, but make sure it is a true attempt at a reconciliation and not an 11th hour half a@@ try so that the man legally gets by with something. My suspicions are high...because he's still saying fog talk like "ow wants to put me thru med school".

Incidentally, contact Orchid. Her H's OW, PBR (psycho babble rabbit) told her H wild tales and promised him his own business, riches, and wealth...she promised him everything, said she had all this money...but did not deliver on any promise. Just more ramablings of the foggy people my dear.

Orchid could enlighten you on this.

I hear ya peachy!

Since I had filed for divorce is that enough to be considered a "legal and binding separation agreement"? Our temporary order says I have physical custody of our son and use of the marital residence.

I did tell him that if I agreed to reconcile he was IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM ALLOWED TO CONTACT THAT SKANK.
I made that very clear.
On the one side if we do reconcile I can't wait to call her up and tell her that you never win in the end sleeping with married men you fat cow!! I have never disliked someone so much in my life. She actually had the nerve to tell him to go for as much as he could in the divorce and if possible leave me with nothing!

What the heLL did I ever do to her?
She's the one who chased my husband for a year and a half including throughout my pregnancy - the B@#&*.

Now's not the time to run on emotion...it's time to think clearly and you are one in drivers' seat as of today.

Nobody wins or loses here except our kids ok? Take OW out of the picture mentally. Yea, she's microbial pond scum, but your xh is a pond scum lover ok? You only win when your WS becomes a H again. And then your family wins.

Consult your attorney about this. Incidentally, in some states if you RECONCILE, and take a WS back for infidelity, then you cannot re-file under same charges again...if you move in with and forgive your spouse..Some states, I believe consider having just one instance of sf, reconciliation...how do I know? My xh tried that card. I slept with him once...he claimed by virtue legally that I slept with him (I was still frustrated...single...and wanted a bit of action...I didn't forgive him...just my fog of being celibate back then)that law and tried to get my "adultery" charge tossed out of courts...he didn't but the judge did say not to do that in the future at one trial...

Your xh could be still trying to find a trump card so D could go off easily and he could worm out of something.

I'd consult an attorney to make it legally binding and only dissolved after say a 6 month reconciliation and cohabitation with divorce proceedings permanently dismissed.

Reconciliation with you? Is he really serious? He does NOT know what reconciliation is - so tell him what it is: DUMPING the other woman and taking his rightful place as your HUSBAND with HER out of the picture - it's YOU and HIM.
There is no other reconciliation.
JHMO.
Sauron

Wow peachy, I didn't realize that there were so many ins and outs to this whole thing.

He actually tried to use a moment of SF against you in court? Good Grief !

I hear ya. I do need to think logically right now.

It's just that after everything they've done to me I want to really stick it to her. I totally believe someday she'll get hers. I just hope I can be the one to rub it in! I know that doesn't make me look to great in the realm of being a Christian woman an all - but dog freakin' gone it all I want her to SUFFER like I did. That's just a weakness I have right now.

I'll be careful.
He suggested we each make out lists of what we need from each other and then trade them to see if we can both agree to both lists.

If we do reconcile and he EVER has ANY contact with her that's it - deal's off.

Sauron, you're right on. It's nice to come here and talk with guys who have their heads screwed on their shoulders.

(as opposed to foggy morons)

Boy, am I mean tonight or what?

I'm just in a mood because I'm sick of being played with.

He said he missed "good" sex.

I told him that I wouldn't sleep with him again until he was tested for every STD known to man and could show me the proof that he's free and clear.

p.s. peachy , your # suggestions are going on my list for him !

Tess,

I really don't understand the thought process these guys use when they say and do this kind of thing. My XH called 3 days after he went to live with OW, saying he wanted to come home. I said that he couldn't come home, but we could work towards that. The conditions were that we had to go to counseling and he couldn't continue living with her. We went to counseling, he wrote me a sappy poem, gave me flowers, etc. for 2 1/2 months. I then found out he had been living with OW the whole time.

I think the closest I ever got to a true answer from him in all of it was when he told me "I CAN'T be alone. I can't handle it." I wasn't giving him any guarantees, I wasn't letting him just walk right back in the door. And it was the right decision, because even if I had, I think the A would have continued. He didn't want to give up either of us, because, well, what if he did and then the relationship he stayed in didn't work out? Why, he'd be ALONE!!!

What it came down to was that he was just plain selfish. It didn't matter if I was alone, as long as he wasn't. It didn't matter how much he lied, as long as it kept things the way he wanted them.

Like others have said, there just is no point to him talking reconciliation until he has actually left her and given some indication that he's being sincere.

----

As an aside, something you said made me wonder, probably because I am fat. You said you were worried about him leaving you again if you gained weight. But in posts on other threads, you have indicated that OW isn't exactly skinny. Did you ever consider that maybe WH likes women who are heavier? That kind of preference doesn't have anything to do with being vain. In fact, if he is vain, he would be more likely to hide that preference, because it tends to be less socially acceptable, and so a vain person would be worrying about what other people might think. But it doesn't make their attraction go away - only makes them hide it.

Now, I'm not suggesting you should run out and gain weight back or anything, I'm just trying to get you to think about it a little. Why? Because from what I've read, you seem to be pretty focused on it. Which is up to you. But, to me at least, it seems as if you are projecting those fears onto him, and that from much of what you've said, it may not matter to him at all.

No real point - just food for thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men, how do you see this situation from a male perspective?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a man although I question whether your WH is! Sorry for your sitch.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He came by today saying he wanted to reconcile. Our divorce is scheduled to be final in just 3 weeks. I'm scared.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Until he shows up with all of his belongings and a strong NC letter in-hand; he's not serious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did he wait until the last minute to want to reconcile?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has not SHOWN that he wants to reconcile and words are not reliable from him. Don't fall into that trap!

As to what OW says; do your best to disregard it. Save your emotional energy for yourself. As peachy said; Now is not the time for you to make decisions based on emotion.

Bottom line: Continue with D-procedure exactly as planned. If WH makes physical commitment as mentioned above and mails (certified) NC that you've approved, then perhaps consider postponing. Yes; he's playing on your emotions for his betterment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

So sorry! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

FR

Good advice Fishracer. I'll ask him for proof of his commitment to NC with OW

Penguin, I'm sorry for the crap your ex put you through.

You're right. I do focus on weight a lot. It's because for 12 years he critiqued everything I put in my mouth. He would ask how many carbs I had eaten so far that day, have I eaten many fat grams?, how much cadio had I done so far, and what about weight training for the day?

He was extremely concerned with how we looked. No, I seriously do not think he's attracted to heavier women. Otherwise he wouldn't have been so hard on me. I was a size 12 at full pregnancy and he would tell me how huge, fat, and horrible it was. He said that if his band was successful he needed to have a "trophy wife" on his arm to keep up with the image so I'd better work at it.

I've gotten so used to being sort of paranoid about it over the years - that's why I bring it up so much and cannot believe that he's with Cheryl who is a bigger gal. (Even though he says it's a relationship of convenience, maybe he thought he could mold her into his trophy girl like he rode me. I don't know. That and the fact he says she has money are the only things I can think of.

I'm trying to be very careful.

I called a clinic this morning and they said they could only test him for HIV, ghonnorea (sp?), and clamydia. There is no test for herpes etc. The only way to know is if you have the sores she said - and they can lie dormant in your system for a long time before you can realize you have it.

GREAT.

So, even if we do reconcile how the heck will I know if it's safe to have sex with him?

The woman at the clinic said to just always use a condom.

C'mon now.

For the men, Isn't it like you could slam your member in a car door and not feel it with one of those on? Doesn't it just kill the whole thing?

If we get back together I want the sex to be even better than it was before, but before we didn't use condoms. So how the heck could it be better now if we have to use them?

tess... i'm a man (yea, that is a wierd sentence)... i agree with everyone else on this deal... as far as condoms, car doors, and members... well, i have never slammed it in a car door with or with out one on, so i can only imaging what that would feel like... i think the rule of better safe than sorry is always key... does it ruin the whole thing?.. it is the distracting smell of latex more than the reduction in sensation that is more of an issue for me... but i would still protect my health at all costs, smell or not... the 'trophy wife' comment is classic... if my band is successful, i would want a mutualy emotionally fulfilling M...

penguin... your XH sounds like my STBXW... three words to describe mine... selfish, selfish, and selfish... a pure taker... and what is with the inabillity to be/live alone for awhile?.. i just don't understand...

be well

samm

Thanks Tess - and yes, my XH did put me through a lot, but I also say he did me a favor. I don't really believe in divorce - I believe there are acceptable reasons, an affair being one of them, but I still wouldn't have chosen it. I certainly wouldn't have gone that direction if he hadn't had the affair. Even then, I tried to reconcile. But looking back, over the years he had become very emotionally and somewhat verbally abusive towards me. I was nowhere near recognizing it until after he was out of the house for a while. So, he ended up forcing what was really best for me in the long run. Oh, and his life has gone downhill - his OW appears to be very much a gold digger (I was paying for pretty much everything during the marriage, so he could use almost everything he made to look like a big spender, and STILL racked up huge debt) and has evidently cheated on him a lot.

But enough about me. I'm sure someone else knowledgeable will weigh in on the disease and testing issue. If I were you, I would make an appointment with your regular ob-gyn, and just explain the situation to her, and ask her/him all the questions you can. I didn't ask a whole lot of questions, because by the time I went to the ob-gyn, reconciliation was out of the picture. But I did tell her what had happened, and asked her to do the appropriate testing. It's no guarantee, but it gave me at least some peace of mind.

Oh, and not saying this is the case with your WH, but you would be surprised how many guys out there are attracted to big women and HATE the fact that they are. They want to sleep with them, just not be seen with them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Oh, and there are two things about your situation to remember. First, most of the time, the OP isn't as attractive as the BS. I can actually say that myself - XHs OW is just plain trashy looking, and he definitely wasn't trading me in for her because of the weight. The affair is hardly ever about looks, and plenty of people have said the same kinds of things you have - why would he go with her/him, I'm much better looking!

The second - usually, if a guy is that obsessed about wanting only a thin woman, he would not be with someone larger (larger being defined as anything even slightly bigger than his ideal.) So he wouldn't even have looked at OW if weight was as big an issue as he made it with you. That makes me think that the weight stuff he pulled with you is much more a control issue than anything else. Someone who is being controlling is extremely good at honing in on what will make the person they are trying to control paranoid. Come to think of it, it could also have been a diversionary tactic on his part. Keeping you so obsessed and upset about him thinking you were "fat" that you wouldn't notice anything that might have made you aware of the affair. Of course, in a way, that's controlling too.

I am a man also and do agree with everything that is said. He is a real comedian your husband. Does he always tell you these jokes about coming home. Let him show you his material first. It's all about money honey and lack of it. He will do anything to hold onto it a little longer. It doesn't matter if you are 300 pounds if he loves you he loves you for you. You don't have to change a thing, he does. So good luck to you!.