My wife and I have been married for a few years now. We agreed that we would not have sex before marriage. The problem is that we have been married a few years and have NOT had sexual intercourse ONE time. Everytime we try, she says it is too painful. I do not know what we should do. We met early, so we are both actually still virgins. HELP!

She should see a GYN asap. I am not personally familiar with any of this, but I know there are some medical conditions that can cause this.

In fact, one woman I know mentioned that she had this problem at the beginning of her M, and that it caused them both huge distress, made her wonder if there was something wrong with her, if their marriage was "doomed" etc., before she found out that it was an easily fixable medical condition.

Kathi

I have suggested this. She goes to the gyn(annual exam) every year, but will not say anything to him. She gets very tense and he has problems performing the examination. She will not ask; she is "too embarrassed". I have suggested counseling and the like, but she refuses this as well. I am at the end of my rope. I have tried to be patient, but this is going on too long. If I try to discuss this with her and convince her we need help, she just breaks down crying. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I don't know what to do next...

Make an apt. and go with her. Another option is a sex therapist.

I am no expert, but my W has often told me she feels more comfortable with a female ob-gyn. Is this a possibility for her? By all means go with her on her appointments.

Rick, It is very admirable that you are there for your wife. She is lucky. Keep supporting her, tell her you love her and be patient.

<small>[ October 26, 2002, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

does she even want to have sex? if so, she must get over the shyness and ask the ob/gyn. or allow you to go in with her and ask. before you do anything, you should take care of any possible medical reasons for problem. how about foreplay? is she willing to indulge in that if there's no intercourse to follow? if not, maybe the problem is emotional as opposed to physical. excuse me for saying this, but my first time hurt really, really badly too, so i know where she might be coming from. but if that's the case, then there is no other choice but to get that first time out of the way. it will get better!

Was she ever sexually abused?

Rick,
Your questions generate even more questions. How long have you been married? Why wait till now to bring up this problem? Any triggers? Apart from sexual problems, does your wife have other medical problems? How old are you? And your wife? Does she have regular monthly cycles? Are her cycles normal or painful? Is she tall or short? Does she ever show interest in sex/sexual activities (note that it is possible to want to do it, even if she cannot)? Whose idea was it to not have sex prior to marriage? Was it due to religious convictions? How open are you to each other? Etc, etc
With the scanty information available from your post, one can surmise that your wife probably has a psychological problem, causing her dyspareunia. However, other conditions can also be responsible (e.g. endometriosis).
In any case, she needs to see her Ob/Gyne, for a start.

Either go with her to the doctor and bring up these concerns, or phone her doctor and tell him ahead of her visit.

I think you should speak to your church clergy. This is not normal.

Dear Rick,

I know that this will sound very harsh, and I hope that you will not be too offended, but this is a very extreme situation which requires extreme action.

Divorce her. Not later, now. This is completely abnormal. A woman who expects a man to stay married to her but never experience marital intimacy is far too selfish to be married. You obviously do not have children, so the damage will be minimal.

The fact that your wife refuses to discuss the matter with a counselor or doctor indicates that she honestly does not care how her actions are affecting you. A normal husband or wife wants his/her spouse to be happy and fulfilled, you are married to someone who obviously does not care.

Again, I am sorry to be so harsh, but if you do not get out now, you may be wishing that you did for the rest of your life. Also, this could be the shock which could help her realize that this is a problem that must be dealt with.

I am totally APPALLED at the reply from IsIt2Late. I cannot believe he would be so shallow as to make such a recommendation. Obviously, you love your wife, and want to stay with her, which is great. This situation requires a level of patience most do not have. It is apparent there is something seriously wrong with your wife, and it demands attention. I agree, she should change to a female GYN. She also may need some type of counseling, because something has her so upset that she can't relax to the point of actually having intercourse. It has to be frustrating for you both.

Try to continue being as supportive as humanly possible. Divorcing her doesn't seem to be the answer here.

I was in this exact situation for 10 years -- my wife unable/unwilling to consummate our marriage.

My wife and I come from a religious background that encourages us not to have intercourse before marriage, and on our wedding night, I learned that she was deeply afraid of sex, and she found it extremely painful.

This condition lasted for almost 10 years.

Your wife might have "vaginismus" a pain disorder believed to be caused by strict religious upbringing (although the exact causes is unknown), or sexual abuse. The disorder causes vaginal muscles to contract involuntarily when intercourse is near. The root causes is psychological.

A gynecologist might provide rubber dilators that gradually stretch the muscle. Working with these, my wife overcame the problem, although it took about 6 years. In her case, she didn't work at it though, a cause of frustration for me. I spoke with a woman who overcame it in 3 months using dilators, so DON'T think it will necessarily take years and years for your wife to overcome it. However, it will depend on how willing she is to work at it using this method.

There is also a company that has produced an inflatable unit that stretches the muscles gradually. I may be able to find the contact information for the company that has invented it. My wife has never used it because it was sent to her after she overcame the problem, but it might be something to try.

Last of all, there's a place called the Women's Therapy Clinic, I believe they are in New York area. They provide medical/emotional counselling to help women overcome vaginismus. We considered going there, but it is extremely expensive. If you do a Yahoo search for Women's Therapy Clinic, you might find their site. They let us talk with some recovered vaginismus sufferers about the treatment, and they may do the same for you if you want to consider it.

There is also a discussion forum for vaginismus sufferers on Yahoo somehwere. My wife is on it freqently talking to others that suffer with the problem. I will try to get that to you as well.

If you want to talk further about things you may not want to share openly, you can send me a private message if you want, and we can correspond. I haven't been able to figure out how to send private messages or I would've sent this one that way.

As a man who lived with this problem for many many years, I care about what's happening to you, and I hope you will overcome it quickly. For us it was 4 years before we figured out what the problem was, and the lines of treatment that were dead ends. I hope I can help you get there a lot faster.

http://www.tecsana.ca/

This is the link to the site that has the muscle stretcher. It's advertised as a prep for childbirth, but the people there told us it is also for vaginismus.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/vaginismus/

This link is the one for vaginismus sufferers.

Hope this helps, and feel free to ask any questions by however means you wish....

I think that you and your wife need to have a serious talk. First, you should ask her if she wants to have sex. If she cries, be patient. Hold her and tell her that everything is going to be ok. That will make her feel much better. If she says that she doesn't want to have sex because its painful, let her know that a lof of women have the same problem when they start trying to have sex. I did. Whe my husband and I started having sex it didn't work. We had to work for months to make intercourse work. It was very painful for me, but I love him, so I tolerated it. Eventually after enough coaxing, it began to work just fine. But they key was that my husband was never agressive with me. He was always very gentle and I knew that he wansn't trying to hurt me. If I was in too much pain we would just stop, take a little rest, and then try again. But, he also did an excellent job of keeping me relaxed and not getting upset when I said that I wanted to stop.

I understand that you've been married for 3 years and you're still a virgin. I'm not sure how you're handling her emotions around this issue, but the most important thing is to just assure her that you love her very much and that you want to be with her. If you comfort her when she cries and you don't get upset or impatient, then things may progress the way you want them to. If that doesn't work and she is still a little uptight, try to arouse her before you try to have intercourse. That should help her to be more relaxed and open to the idea. Good Luck!