If anyone wants to read my story it is here:
my story

I found out in Dec that the previous 6 months of trying to "make our marriage work" was bull and WH had never stopped seeing OW.

I filed amended petition for divorce and tried to move into Plan B.

I say tried because WH wouldn't leave our home. Kept lying and pulling me back into SF and wanting to believe him.

A week before our temporary hearing,I asked my sister to come from out of state and help me out with the kids for a week and a half because I was a mess and have no support here.

When WH found out my sister was coming, he left our home and moved in with OW saying that he couldn't face my sister.

After WH moved in with OW, he seemed to have no problem letting go of our marriage, our kids, or me. So when he told me he wasn't going to show at the temporary hearing, and he knew that meant I'd get whatever I asked for, I told my attorney.

Well, at the temporary hearing, the judge granted the divorce (which I wasn't completely ready for) and awarded alimony.

I called WH that afternoon and told him we were divorced, and that it was over. He seemed surprised but not upset (i didn't say anything about the alimony). His only concern at that time was "Don't tell OW we are divorced". I said, well thanks for giving a **** about how I am feeling, she's the main concern as always or I should say HE is the main concern as always.

ANYWAY - so that was a month and three days ago. When he found out about the alimony - he said all manner of hateful and foul things to me. Hired an attorney finally- and is now trying to have the divorce set aside.

Nice to know that me and the kids he could live without but the money was a different situation entirely.

Well, after about a week of NC with me and being angry about the alimony - he started emailing all day every day and calling and coming around again. and we have been having SF 3-4 X's a week since then (i know i know, not good for me and my sanity). He has been saying since we resumed SF that he is not happy living with her, that it isn't the playboy lifestyle of the affair anymore, now just the day to day relationship type thing and she isn't someone he sees himself in a long term relationship with. He has told her nobody at work can know he is living with her, and says he is embarassed for anyone to find out. But he is still there.

So the last couple weeks, he has said that all he ever asked me for was time. Time to figure out how to get out of this "Hole I have dug for myself" as he says. That is true, but I rushed the divorce through once he left me and our home and moved in with OW.

Now says that he wants to come home. But - and get this - he needs three weeks to end things. But he states once they are ended, it will be over forever. HA

so, of course I still love him. But is this a financial decision? three weeks is not NOW - thus only words - no action - just as all throughout the affair.

I've told him that I won't make any plans on the basis of his words, only when there is action will I discuss or think about it. I've said that all the things he wouldn't do to save our marriage would have to be done if he wanted to come home and he is said OK, but when I have asked about what he plans to do to rebuild trust or to make these changes, he just says "I don't know"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi 1confused BS,

I just read your story. I'm so sorry that you had to experience a false recovery.

Am I right that you moved basically from Plan A to Plan D? That you tried to get into Plan B but couldn't work out the logistics of the separation (or perhaps were coerced into not separating by some more promises by your husband) and then when he left for OW you headed straight to divorce?

In my very humble opinion, it sounds as though what is happening now is that your XH is dealing with some of the ramifications of what Plan B would have been and doesn't like it very much. Like most WS's faced with Plan B, the initial response is rage (going on the offensive when he realizes that one of the consequences of his actions is alimony payments) and then frantically trying to figure out a way to "fix things" (albeit on his terms, not yours).

However, as this is not Plan B, the water is murky. You are demanding action. Does he know what actions you require other than leaving OW? Do you know what you want him to do?

IMO, once you have actually divorced, the ante is upped. It requires way more effort on the part of the XS to come back. You gave him ample opportunity within the confines of your marriage to return. He chose not to, and the consequence of that choice is that he no longer acts within that marriage.

Just from what I've read, I'd say that he probably does want a way out of the mess he's created. Life with OW is probably getting tiresome as the fantasy fades. The financial consequences are starting to bite. And suddenly you and the life he seemed to leave so easily look all the more valuable compared to the life he has now.

But is it enough of a reason to take him back? Because the consequences of his actions are starting to hit and he doesn't like them?

If indeed he is serious, then he will give up OW. Until that happens (whether it is today, three weeks from now, or whenever), what is there to discuss?

If I may be so bold, I would suggest that the SF is not in your best interests (which I know you agree with). If you allow him to have both you and OW in his life at the same time, you risk tremendous disrespect of yourself and very likely a continuation of his treatment of you.

Please take care of yourself. I'm sorry if this post lacks solid advice, but I wanted you to know that someone is listening and cares about you.

Hugs,

Gris

Hey Confused,

I don't really have time to post right now (as I am at work),bt I wanted to let you know that someone does care about you and your story. I agree with GRIS, on this situation.

Her advice was very sound and you need to take heed to some of the things she was saying. I am in the same boat so to speak and think it is even harder if you don't just let him deal with the consequences himself. I know I think my h just wants to come back really out of fear that he won't be able to have me in his life any longer and mostly because the consequences of his actions are BIGGGGGG when it comes to his WALLET!!!

Have you heard the saying "It's CHEAPER to keep HER" hr should have thought of that sooner!!!


W2E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't let him back!
Yet, anyway. And stop having sex with him!

First off, I see tons of red flags here. The first is the alimony issue. The timing on "wanting to come home" is suspicious. Ask for time. Time for him to establish a track record fo paying child support and alimony on time. I'm thinking minimum of six months.

Next red flag, "it's no longer the playboy lifestyle but an everyday relationship" to paraphrase. Okay, so basically his mistress has become more like an Significant Other, leaving a whole where his mistress is. That old joke about when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opportunity has an element of truth.

I'd say, your X needs to move out from OW and get a place of his own, and establish a track record of no women. (And don't you sleep with him during this period.) If he can do this for say, 6 months to a year, he'll prove that he wants you, and doesn't just need a woman to live with, a woman to do his laundry and cook his meals and service him each night.

After he's established that he's not a terrible risk as a husband, then, you could allow him some more room. Your X would need to woo you all over again. You are starting from scratch in many ways, and I'm sure you'll be very aware of red flags.

BTW, would you sleep with someone who you aren't even dating? No? Well, that's what you've been doing with your X. At best, you are using him as much as he's using you.

Looking back to the comment about OW not being the lifestyle any more, it could be that roles are reversed, and for your ex-husband's emotional purposes, you may have become the OW, the secret, dangerous, liason that makes him feel like his powerful and safe. Safe because he has a second string in his bow, should OW leave.

Any chance there was more than one other woman?

Sorry, I'm not more encouraging.

I was going to write a response... then I saw greengables' response. So now all I have to say is: Yeah! What she said!

Gris, thanks for your take on this. You are right that I went from plan A to D, as I couldn't get or keep him out of our home. I'd given him a plan B letter and asked him to leave in Dec. but he came back 3 days later and refused to leave. I called police but they couldn't make him go. Then after he disappeared for three days in Jan with OW at a motel, I had his key and wouldn't let him in, he broke in and wouldn't go, but he would go nightly for 5 or 6 hours with OW and come in when he pleased.

so at that point I figured Divorce would at least get him out of the house and I wouldn't have to lie in bed every night waiting to hear my husband get back from his "Dates" with OW.

===================

W2E, yes that is my biggest concern is that he will only come back for financial reasons. I don't feel like he is doing this because he's realized he loves me and wants a life with me.
==========================

GreenGables - I know I cannot continue to have SF with him, it is just so easy to do after all these years. I have thought that I've kindof become the OW.

curious why you asked about another other woman? I asked him this yesterday and he said he didn't have the stamina for a third, but he was glad I thought he was so verile. He also said OW had asked him the same thing.

I only asked him because when he left here he wasn't rushing back to their apt. and he never goes anywhere alone - but said he was going to Target and the bookstore - so that was a red flag.

Wow, honey I can so relate! (You can see my post - unbelievable wh wants to recon. then runs back to OW.

These men are totally selfish. I don't know where you are on the subject of prayer at all, but for me I just keep praying that God will ultimately humble him.

They won't truly change until they've hit rock bottom and THEN get counseling.

My husband recently lost his highpaying job and his band broke up, (so they say.)
Apparently that wasn't humbling enough though because he's still only thinking of himself.

Try to Stay Strong and know that we here are here for you!

Thanks Tess!

I read your post so know that you can completely relate, probably better than anyone I have offline or online for that matter that I talk about these things with.

It is just so hurtful, to tell us the things they know we want to hear, to give us just enough to hope for - then let us down yet again and make us feel 2nd best and rejected.

I thought long ago that I had run out of tears, but there are always more to shed it seems.

Confused, you don't actually take your X's word about multiple other women, do you?

I think the response about virility is very telling.

I'd also like to add to Tess, that not only do they have to hit rock bottom, many of them still don't change.

From what you write, it sounds like your X is a skilled manipulator, and he's playing you for all he's worth.

Look, he's your ex. Stop talking to him unless it's about the children. Hang up on him. He seems intent on having his cake and eating it too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look, he's your ex. Stop talking to him unless it's about the children. Hang up on him. He seems intent on having his cake and eating it too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally think GB is on the money, u will only keep hurting yourself to continue any other contact wtih him unless it is children related. For some reason they seem to want to keep their foot in the door - keep us in limbo even though the M is over. Selfish - plain & simple.

Now if only I start following that advice myself.....

confused, listen, listen and listen more. They are absolutly right in what they are saying. Right now it's all about money and lack of it. If he really want to come back he will do what is right and leave OW. Did it take him 3 weeks to leave you when he found out your sister was coming, well then it shouldn't take 3 weeks to leave OW. He's yanking your chain. Just making sure that you are still there. Good luck to you and listen to the excellent advice.

after I emailed to him that as long as he is DOING things that are contrary to what he is saying then I don't want to even discuss the possibility of reconciling - he sent me an email saying he could move it up at least 1 week.

Gee, he can do that for little ole me! He is doing me this great favor, and I still am not happy - lol

My XH played that game w/ me too while he lived w/ OW, kept changing his dates for coming home til she put him out & I took him back like a fool.

He wasn't ready & it sounds like yours isn't either.

GG et. al. are right on the money here. You may have gone straight to plan D from plan A, but that doesn't mean plan B is out of the question. In general, plan D tends to be the formality of making plan B permanent. You went to plan D without doing the plan B part of it, so all you have is a piece of paper saying you aren't married anymore, but little of the peace of mind that should come with it if you truly tried to save the marriage first. (I just re-read this, and felt I should clarify... I'm not saying that you didn't try to save the marriage, I'm just saying that because you didn't follow the normal order of things, you aren't getting the peace of mind you should get from D, because you DID try to save it first.)

I'm not saying that D was a mistake for you - in your circumstances, it may have been what you had to do. But you still need to plan B! And strangely enough, from what you've described, now would be the perfect time, despite the divorce. After all, you seem to have been doing a pretty good plan A despite the divorce. You just got things all mixed around a bit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I definitely agree with what a few other people here have said too, about you now being the "mistress." Given that, and the way he is handling all this, I would be very cautious if the decision is to try and work things out. He sounds like he has very much compartmented aspects of his life. He may have trouble having wife and lover be the same person at this point. I think you should insist not only on couples counseling, but some pretty intensive IC as well. Even though so far he claims that OW is the only OW, I, like a lot of other people evidently, suspect that may not be true. Some of the things you've described here point towards him being a serial cheater. And in a way, he is. He cheated on you with OW. Now, he's cheating on his girlfriend (because you aren't married anymore, she technically isn't OW anymore either) with you. If he's really addicted to the whole secrecy and "being bad" feeling he gets from affairs, it's very likely he would seek out more than one OW. If it's a rush cheating on a W who trusts you, what must the rush be like when cheating on both W and OW, especially when OW already knows he's a cheater, and therefore is likely more suspicious?

Rough situation to be in. I wish you strength in dealing with it!

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>