He came here friday saying he loved me, please call off the divorce, he was leaving Cheryl and wanted us to be a family. He even said that he had been seeking God who showed him we should reconcile. I told him I wasn't ready for him to come home before going to counseling so he agreed to move in with friends of ours for a time so we could rebuild. He was supposed to move in with them on monday.

Well, he had me totally fooled. We had sex, made plans for the future, etc.


Then monday night on the phone he acts like he has no idea what I'm talking about!

He had left me a note in my mailbox saying he didn't want to reconcile now because he felt that by moving in with our friends that he was jumping through hoops and that I wasn't.

I called him on the phone and said "How could you stand here in our living room and hold me and ask me to please call off the divorce, then make love to me - telling me you love me?"

He just kept saying "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO" (like he never did any of those things!)
I said "Scott, what is wrong with you?" "Are you schitzophrenic?? Hello, I WAS THERE!"

Then he says "I don't know what you're talking about!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I asked if Cheryl was on the other line and he said no and asked if I was recording the conversation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

(Ok, this is 48 hrs. after coming to me asking me to reconcile, call off the divorce, telling me he loves me, having sex with me and telling me he loves me the whole time, making plans to move in with friends and go to counseling weekly as well as church, etc.)

He had told me that he told Cheryl it was over and that he had until Monday to get his stuff out of her apt.

I asked "You never did tell her it was over did you?"

He says "We had some problems but we've worked them out and now WE'RE BACK TOGETHER!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

{{{{{{{Tess}}}}}}} I remember being on that roller coaster with my STBXH and I continued to ride it for about a year and a half until I just couldn't take it anymore. Maybe you're ready for plan B?

Tess,

I know you've read what my ex has been saying - that he wants to come home but not for 3 wks. HA

I wrote him this email the other day- then went dark:

I still don't believe that you are leaving Linda's - in three weeks, or ever.

I don't believe you are Not having sex with her or enjoying living with her.

You have lied about every detail of your affair with her since the beginning and I don't think that anything you are telling me is the truth now.

The facts are that she is who you sleep with at night, she is who you go home to every day, and she is who you left your family to be with.

Let's not talk about you coming home as long as you are with her, as it is only hurtful and unproductive. Your words really mean nothing at this point, and I continue to see no actions which back them up. It only serves to cause me frustration and anguish, and frankly - as I've said - I cannot believe your words if there are no actions.

When and if you ever do actually leave there and are ready to write her a "No Contact" letter, and do the other things necessary to rebuild my trust, I don't even want to discuss you coming home.

There is no doubt in my mind at this point that even if you moved back here - the only thing that will change is which of us you are living with. I don't believe that your relationship with her will truly be over - I think you will see and sleep with her.

You need to formulate a plan of what we will do if you come home, to rebuild trust and to ensure you will not continue in a relationship with Linda. This includes finding another job, moving, no contact with her ever again - all the things we discussed when we were still married but you were unwilling to do to save our marriage.

So, I guess until such time as you are not living there and not screwing her, I don't even want to talk about any future we may or may not have together. We should make no plans whatsoever regarding being together, as long as you are involved with someone else.

My trust can only and will only be restored when you have proven to me that you love me and the kids and want to be with us. So far, I only see the opposite.

Tess,

Big hugs to u, the ride is unbelieveable isn't it. I am so sorry your H feels the need to play these games, it is almost like they all read from the same WH handbook. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I pray God leads u to peace be it with or without your H.

{{{{{{{{{{Tess}}}}}}}}}}}

This is so hard ! It helps to know you guys understand. I never thought once he said that he was willing to do what it takes and made plans to move in with our friends and said he was telling Cheryl it was over, that he would suddenly think that I was asking too much of him and not want to reconcile unless I do just as much hoop jumping as he does.
I said well yes you have more hoops to jump through. You are the one who left. You are the one who cheated. You are the one who's been sleeping with other people. I haven't done those things so I don't have the hoops to jump through like you do. I'm not saying everything is my fault. I could've been a better house cleaner. I could've kept my body in "trophy wife" condition like he wanted. I shouldn't have gotten my dog back that I loved when he was against it if he's the head of the home.
But dog gone it, my faults are in no way on the same plane as his.
I know sin is sin, but when you compare a sometimes cluttered home compared with lying, cheating, opening up a secret po box and secret bank account and credit cards & spending thousands and expecting ME to pay for half of all of it, - those are totally different hoops.

Right?

I could've taken him back right away into the house but would've had no guarantee that there would've been any change. Even though he agreed to NC with Cheryl - he lies so much how could I trust him?

My heart really goes out to you and hurts for you. I have been through very similar things. It is so painful to experience that type of stuff. there is not even words to describe it. I will be praying for you. Stay strong. Nobody in the world deserve to be treated that way. I am so sorry.

Also, if he was not okay with your resanoble request to stay with friends (jump through hoops as he puts it) then he should have been a man and been honest with you. Not, lied & acted like he was okay, slept with you, played games with your emotions, and taken advantage of you. As I said above nobody deserve to be treated that way. It hurts like emotional cancer. It eats away at your feelings, emotions, and soul. I do not get how any person can treat another human that way.

Tess, how are you doing today?

In reading your last post and your husband wanting you to jump through the same number of hoops as him, isn't that just something!

my ex keeps saying "What have you sacrificed" he more or less says I want him to sacrifice his job and find a different one, sacrifice this great "Love" he found, and sacrifice the happiness he could have with her!

My husband likes to use our sex life or lack thereof as his reason for the affair. Of course when I bring up the fact that out of the four last years prior to the affair I had maybe four months not pregnant or nursing....

and hormones do affect the sex drive, as does having a moody and uninvolved partner. Still though even when things were at worst, we had SF at least once a month. I know, not enough but gosh - had he cooked a meal, washed a dish, changed a diaper or anything to give me maybe 15 minutes to relax I may have felt like having SF.

So just know that they want so much to not feel the guilt - they rewrite the reality of the way things were, to make them feel justified.

Tess -

Ugh! I am so, so sorry. No matter how many WS we see do this sort of thing, we all hope every time that this time it's different for the person being taken for a ride. I'm sorry it wasn't.

I still don't understand how they can do this sort of thing either, but it seems that almost all of them do. When I found out that my XH had been still living with OW during 2 1/2 months we had been going to counseling with a minister/counselor at our church, I was in shock, even though I had suspected it right from the time he said he wanted for us to try again. Despite all he had already done, I couldn't imagine he would go THAT far - I mean, what was the purpose even? And, of course, it was all my fault. I mean, he wanted to come home, but I required proof that he really meant to change first, by us going to counseling while he lived somewhere else (but not with her!) He had nowhere else to go (except the home of a friend at church, which I had arranged for him, or to his parents', which I also arranged for him, but those were just a place to stay, not HOME, and he needed to be HOME. He wanted to leave her and be with me again, but her house was home and his parents' wasn't????) If I had just let him come home when he'd wanted to, everything would have been different. Yeah, right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And, honestly, seeing the way things played out, I would say you were dealing with about the same situation I was. Because of things I later found out, I believe what happened the day he called wanting to come home was that she kicked him out (the first of many times to come.) He didn't know where else to go, had no money for a motel, and came crying to me, thinking I would take care of him the way I always did. And actually, I did, just not the way he wanted. He had a place to stay, it just wasn't where he wanted to stay. And I figure that within a few days, she was done being mad for the time being, and let him come back. But he continued counseling and such with me because he wanted insurance for when they fought.

I would guess your WH got kicked out, or at least there was a major blow-up, and he figured "Well, good old Tess is there, I'll show Cheryl and go back to Tess." And as soon as Cheryl was ready to make nice again, he had to hurry up and cover his tracks, because otherwise, Cheryl would get mad again.

I know it hurts, and I wish you didn't have to go through it. But now you know - you have to hold those boundaries hard and keep them high. He's going to take advantage if you don't, at least in the fog he's currently in. And the only way to be sure there has been real change is to have those boundaries, see him willing to respect them, and for that to happen over a length of time, not just a day or two.

I said that the reason I didn't let XH just waltz back into the house the day he called was that I didn't want to be one of those women who spend most of their lives putting up with the H running around on them constantly, and who sit there everytime it happens swearing that it's different this time, that he's really changed this time. I said I wasn't about to let my house turn into "Hotel Kim."

Be strong Tess, and know that the only mistake you made here was trusting the person you're supposed to be able to trust. It's hard to adjust to the fact that this person you trusted enough to promise you would spend your whole life with him now can't be trusted as far as you could throw him (and that you'd really like to experiment to find out just how far that is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Wow.
It's amazing that so many of us have such similar situations and circumstances even though everyone involved is a separate individual.

I'm so appreciative of all of your support guys, really. Sometimes you need to know that there is someone out there who understands the deep depth of the hurt your going through.

Since this has happened he stopped by last night and hands me an envelope and said he couldn't stay.

It was a blank card with dolphins on it. (Probably one of Cheryls, Ha.)

He writes: Dear Tess,
Understand that you will always have a special place in my heart. I wish you well always. Call if you need anything. You're a wonderful, speacial, woman. Please take care!
` Scott


Ugh!
Call if I need anything?

How about I need you not to be a lying, cheating, selfish, slimeball?

You think he'd be able to meet that one for me?

He also gave me a (another)2 page letter saying the reasons why we can't reconcile.

The first letter was really rude, foggy, and arrogant.

This one was "nicer".

Reason 1 - since I won't let him come home right away I haven't changed and he doesn't want me unless I've changed and will let him come right home.

Reason 2 - I will not say that I called the police out of spite on him the day he left.

(That was a boundry of mine. There had been some forms of physical abuse in the past & at one point I said if he EVER touched me in anger again I would call the cops. I had called several times over the last 12 years but after awhile had stopped calling and we'd just make up the next day. Well, the day he left he had grabbed me by the arm and whipped me out of his car and pushed me in the face with his hands while his 2 middle fingers were up at me. So I called. He left saying he wanted a divorce.)

So, he wants me to say I just called because I was ticked he had taken off for 24hrs. I told him that if he wouldn't have touched me I wouldn't have called the cops. He says that he knows in his heart I wasn't in fear so I shouldn't have called.
I say he knew what my boundary was & should've been glad that I didn't just blow up at him when he walked in the door at 9 am wednesday when he hadn't been home since before 9am on tuesday, especially since we had a new 3 week old at home.

Reason 3 - Our families don't want us together. He says that he wants to go to his families once every 2 weeks and since they don't want me as his wife it would be too stressful!

Reason 4 - All of the reasons he would've come back would've been the wrong ones. Aron (our son) would've been the biggest reason.

He says he's sorry if "my trying to make things right made things messy."

HIS TRYING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT MADE THINGS MESSY?

OY!

So just know that they want so much to not feel the guilt - they rewrite the reality of the way things were, to make them feel justified.

IconfusedBS - you are so right on with this comment!

Don't for a minute take that poop as failure on your part. My husband says that sex with me is seriously MUCH BETTER than it is with Cheryl, but he's still with her anyways.
So even if you were awesome in that area - just like my husband - yours would've found some other reason.

It is a little tiny miniscule satisfaction if in fact he's telling me the truth about that.
He says she just lays there expecting him to do everything and has no idea what she's doing.

Sorry if it's TMI guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

IC - I should clarify - not IF you were awesome like I'm assuming you weren't.

I was meaning even If he realized that you were totally meeting what he considered what was acceptable he would've found some other stupid thing to say was his reason.

" Hotel Kim "

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I like that one! Can I use it?

I want to tell him not to expect he can just run back to Hotel Tess everytime he and Cheryl get into a little tizzy.

Yeah, how far can I throw him?

Can heavy machinery be involved?

B, Letstry, & Dakota -

Thank you for the virtual hugs and any and all prayers! I totally believe in the power of prayer and thank you for each and every one.

Like I said before, it's even just helpfull knowing someone else understands the "emotional cancer" that I'm going through.

I had actually at that point let my guard down and started to plan for the future and pictured our 2nd wedding: what kind of dress, flowers, what we would say, etc.

I had been trying to keep myself guarded because it was hurting so badly. Then when he agreed to everything and played the part quite well I let down my guard and exhailed so to speak.

For those who feel you could now trust another man, How long did it take you to get to that point?

My husband has my son again this weekend. He'll be here at 10 am tomorrow.

I worry. My little one has another ear infection on top of teething and having a bad cold/cough.
I don't know if my husband and his harlot will take good enough care of him over the next 2 days.

Ironically, his waffling is the reason you have to enforce boundaries like him breaking up with the OW, living with friends, and going to counseling BEFORE you will let him move back home.

Does he really expect you to believe that the reconciliation effort failed because you wouldn't let him come home yet?!? So he thinks the next time he promises it's over with the OW and that he's ready to reconcile you'll let him move back in right away? LOL NOPE! And I'm betting he won't even get the make-up sex form you next time until he 'jumps through' a whole bunch of 'hoops'!

My WH broke up with the OW 'for good' a few dozen times... And he knows all the right things to say and promise...

Just a few days ago my WH made all the right promises again but because I said no to him coming and staying for the weekend he's giving me the silent treatment right now.

Whatever. I left him a message that I am not stopping the divorce because he's apparently not ready to honor his promises.

Stay strong. Ignore all he says and only give credibility to what he actually does. If the OW has too little self-respect to say no to him that's her problem. Your WH is in no position to bargain right now, expecting you to keep putting yourself in the position to be used or hurt again or else he'll threaten you with going back to the OW. Let the OW have him. You deserve better. If your WH doesn't rise to that level then he will lose you.

You got right advice here..

Let the consequences of his behaviors begin. Do not feed their affair.

It's easy to get sucked in to the world of lies and empty promises. YOu've been thru hell. You want something to make sense. So far it's not. And in waltzes the source of your woes...promising to make amends and turn your chaos back into a comfortable reality.

That's what we really miss when we peel away the layers. You don't miss your WH. You miss the real guy he used to be before this. YOu probably don't even respect him at all now. And it may be broken now...very much so. But you miss the stability..the routine...the portrait of an "intact" family despite the undercurrents. You wanted the familiarity back. And he came knocking.

Nothing else. No sf. No words. Nothing. Let the D day come and let it end. Let the reality of what he has done sink in. It may take a day. It may take a year. It may never happen. But you can't stick around waiting for it. It will only hamper your efforts to recover YOURSELF. I speak this from experience.

And be expecting something wierd from him on D day. But don't give in. Stay dark. No calls, no visits. Nothing. He wanted this divorce, you give it to him. Let the man see he got his desire. It won't be pretty in the end. But he will have the dysfunctional OW there to meet or not to meet his EN's. Know the numbers aren't on their side too. Even if they marry. Just stay out and let God/karma do its good work in good time.

Just remember, something different and better may come your way. You don't know now your future. But if you have faith and continue working on yourself, it will find you.

Be calm. Have peace now. YOu did all you could do. And you did well. I know without a doubt when I face my creator one day, he will say that to me about my once marriage. Let it lay down to rest.

And you be good to yourself. Be very good to you. Organize a rebachelorette party (I did) and it was great! Change the way you look at things and you can change reality.

Hi Tess,

Just wondering how you're doing?

Hey Tess,

Just wanted to tell you that if you were using grounds for the divorce (like adultery), he may have been trying to ruin that by this "reconciliation" which would automatically cancel those grounds.

Either way he sounds like an abusive [censored] and I think you are better off with him gone. Now is your opportunity to rebuild your life to be what you would like it to be without him holding you back.

You go girl!

Sunny