I'm seeking some help on dealing with my husband. My question revolves around what possible abusive traits my husband is using and how to handle it. I am strongly committed to my marriage but I know it has big problems. When I try to talk with him about it he throws everything back on me. Basically he says I'm the crazy one, I'm too emotional everything that goes wrong in our household is my fault and lately he's been telling me I act just like my mother. He gets angry and irritated at me for things to me that seem so little. He complains about the way I spend my time and how I do things. I feel like I always fall short of his expectations. I constantly live in tension when I'm doing anything that he might not approve of. I'm sure there's so much more to this. I could go on and on. I guess it's just so easy to get him angry and set him off and that usually involves yelling and some name calling and then his complete withdrawls from me for several days which he usually ends by asking me if I'm ready to apologize by sexually gratifying him. I've tried different approaches such as withdrawing myself, acting like I don't care, calling him names back but I know this is wrong. What can I do in this situation? He considers all problems to be my fault so marriage counseling is out of the question. We have three children and he's a wonderful father and I don't want to ruin that. And, as long as I do everything right, we get along great. Anyway, I feel like there's so much more information that needs to be said to really inform anyone that could give me some advice. We're both believers though he rarely attends church. We've been married 8 years and got married quite young after I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I know that getting married in this way probably greatly effects how he feels towards me. Anyway, any insight would be great or advice on how I can handle it on my end while I'm waiting on God to work on my husband.

I have a few ideas:

1)The counselling might help you more than you think. He might attend thinking he can vent about you, however in my experience, the counsellors are pretty gifted at not taking sides and helping to moderate the discussions. In fact, he may learn something about himself.

We attended some counselling about a year ago, and the therapist used an approach where she gave each of us opportunties to describe the impact certain behaviours had on the other person.

I learned some things I was doing that were hurting my wife. It was sort of indirect the way I learned it.

2) Also, there's this thing called the "soft answer". When get gets really mad at you, control yourself and speak kindly back. Don't let it appear that it's bothering you -- just be calm and controlled.This might take the wind out of his sails and help him see himself for what he is.

When you pray, visualize those moments when he's angry at you, and visualize yourself giving that soft answer. Pray for strength to give that soft answer when the time comes. If you visualize this happening in your personal prayers when it happens in reality, you'll be more likely to respond the way you want to when you're in the warmth of a prayer.

3) Try praying together each day. We always get along a little better when we've said a prayer together at some point in the day. We used to have trouble working on a task together. She'd get impatient with me and start bossing me around. The times we prayed right before the task (together) it always seemed to go better.

Hope this helps. My wife used to blow up at me in public (I mean big public -- baseball games for example -- yelling and screaming at me, completely unbridled -- I had to learn how to not react. I still struggle with outbursts when she does something that provokes me, but I'm much better at not reacting to her own outbursts).