Over on the GQ board, I hold the record for the world's longest thread. I'll not go over my entire sitch except to say that I am at the point of divorcing my wife of 28 years.

My question specifically for this post....

I need advice on how to proceed with my attorney and any "lessons" learned from any of you. Our kids are grown and married.

Thanks -

Georgia

Hi Georgia,

I guess it would depend upon your wife - how aggressively to approach this thing that is.

Your state statutes on family law will give you some idea of what to expect for property division, etc. If she never worked you may end up paying spousal support and maybe even will have to give her more than 50% of the property. Otherwise most states divide stuff up 50/50.

Your cheapest bet is to READ your state statutes, invest $200 in the official marital law book for your state and read read read some more. Once you are totally familiar with the laws of your state then you can direct your lawyer as to how you want to proceed.

My ex would try to bluff me and I would laugh. My lawyer would only do as I instructed and if I were clueless then she didn't serve me as well. I actually looked up a bunch of stuff myself to give to her in case the judge would ask for anything. It came in handy and I used all of what I got for custody.

Divorce and property settlement are pretty cut and dried. There are general guidelines to follow. Knowing the guidelines and the law will help you negotiate with your stbx. I gave my ex very generous settlement offers and when he would try to wheel and deal, I would then calmly hand him a stack of researched stuff showing him that I had been generous and he would get more by taking my offer.

This came in handy because he stalled on everything. It took a year and $9000 in lawyer's fees to get it all settled. Because me and my lawyer did all the work, I suspect that his fees were more like $2000 or $3000. When he would stall then I would just tell him - fine but i'll take my offer off the table and you can take what the judge will give you. Which of course was outlined in the papers I would hand him.

Anyway, I can help with this. Let me know what state you're from etc., and we could look at what you have in more detail, etc.

Sunny

Thanks, Sunny -

We are in Georgia.

My WW has only worked part time and earns a small wage. I have done pretty well and, to put it in perspective, earn about 13X her income.

We have a nice home and I have a substantial 401K account.

I have told my attorney that I am willing to split all assets 50/50, and instructed the house be sold and equity split. (She has asked that she keep the house).

I have told my attorney I want to do everything I can to minimize alimony. He thinks she will be awarded about 3 years to allow her to finish her college degree, then that would be it. She has asked for permanent alimony.

BTW - She has filed for "separate maintenance", I've counterfiled for divorce.

Georgia

GG,

I think it will come down to the lawyers and judge and what the laws are in Georgia. I don't know if you'll be able to somehow let the judge know that you've been trying to make this marriage work but ww is refusing. That might make a difference?

I know this is so hard, you really are doing a great job with everything. Still praying for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well Georgia (duh - I kinda figured that was where you were from),

http://www.legis.state.ga.us/legis/GaCode/Title19.pdf

That is the link to your domestic relations code for the state of Georgia.

Have you hired a lawyer that does mainly divorce? This is pretty important - a lawyer whose practice is mainly divorce will know the statutes, procedures, and local judges and will be able to give you the best advice.

That being said - there is no such thing as slavery anymore in the grand old state of Georgia, and asking for lifelong support is essentially her making you into a slave... Remember that. Even if she has never worked she has the capacity to work and personally I think no one owes anyone a living.

As I was scrolling through that document I linked for you I had to laugh - I had forgotten that I was divorced in Georgia from my first marriage. New Brunswick - Glenn county I think lol.

Oh ask your lawyer - sometimes infidelity plays a big role in support if you want to divorce for "grounds" - your lawyer should know if it is important or if it is one of those things that judges don't want to hear about any more. This could be something you could use to threaten her with if she doesn't want to accept a reasonable settlement. Do you have evidence of her wayward behavior?

19-5-3 page 15 outlines the grounds for divorce in Georgia. Not using grounds is a "no fault" divorce and is quicker but she may ream you on support.

OH DUDE are you lucky!!!!!!!! 19-6-1 Adultery if you have evidence can CANCEL support (alimony)!!!

You need evidence! Weigh your options - how much spousal support = hiring a detective to get evidence.

Now - let me say this. It may be that your affections for your wife and your sense of responsibility would cause you to want to help her out while she gets on her feet. I'm offering this information to you for two reasons. One is that I was a BS and I am angry that someone who would behave as a WS would then ask for support. The other reason is that you should get evidence and perhaps use it to force her to accept a 3 year alimony and selling the house. You need leverage my man.

The bad news is that you might have to pay her attorney fees - so there is another reason why you want leverage to make her settle amicably or you will be footing the bill for some extemsove lawyer fees.

Sunny

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: sunnyva39 ]</small>

Hi Georgia - no advice just wanted to let you know that I had been following your thread on the other board and admire how much you have done to try to save your marriage. My d-day was late September last year and I wanted to save us but he had no interest -- i put in a couple months of fighting but couldn't take the continued rejection and disrespect.

You can move forward with the knowledge you did all you could. I have that and it does help a little bit. No regrets. I'm not filing for divorce - I left that to my STBX to do - figured for once maybe he could develop a spine and make a decision - plus I want him to pay the filing fee -- i'm still waiting to get served. He's moved out of state (to Georgia of all places - sorry!) which is actually helpful for me.

Keep leaning on family and God for support (and, of course, your new puppy!!)

Thanks, Sunny...

Are you an attorney?

My attorney does specialize in divorce, and has advised me I think quite well up to this point. FYI...WW hasn't, as far as I know, committed adultery which requires actual sexual intercours. However, she's had about 6 years of intense EA's with 2 men that she will not give up.

I will read through the link and see if I have questions that I can address back to you.

Thanks again for your help.

And...thanks EnchantedLady for your kind words as well.

Georgia

Hi Georgia,

No I'm not an attorney. I was very scared to go through a divorce/custody dispute. I found a custody website and from there learned how to find state statutes, etc. I was almost scammed by a seedy incompetent lawyer and decided that I needed to know more about what I could and could not do.

My ex is extremely passive aggressive and had never wanted to negotiate or compromise during our marriage. This tendency became worse during the divorce when, I'm sure, he was also scared that somehow he would get ripped off by me.

I will say that when all the negotiating was done and everything was signed, my lawyer turned to me and congratulated me saying that I had really done all the work. Every time my ex would stall or delay my lawyer would call me explaining that again she had sent documents and neither he nor his lawyer (who he was neglecting to pay) was replying. She would then tell me (not very nicely either) to go talk to the man and get him to sign this stuff.

Anyway, being in the dark about what you can ask for and what you can expect will not help you any. You should know what is a generous offer and be able to prove that to you stbx. If you want to be satisfied that you did the best you could to protect your own assets that is. I was very satisfied with the outcome of my own divorce. I bought the house for a fair price, paid him off fairly, didn't let him bully me into letting him take the children when he moved four hours away, and didn't let him bully me into driving to meet him every other weekend. (What a freakin nighmare that would have been!)

Sunny