I have been reading many of the posts and so far have yet to read one where the H is going to be involved with the oc. My H wants to be apart of this child's life. I really don't know if I can handle it. My H and I were waiting for the right time to have children of our own He has 2 from a previous marriage and now he has this one. I have pretty much decided that I will not be having kids of my own and that this OC was in fact the child that should have been mine as I was pregnant 5 mos prior to the OW getting pregnant and before I knew of the affair. My pregnancy did not work out, the anger that I feel is brutal. I don't know of a way to explain the hollow place I have as he has 2 wonderful children who I love and now he has this OC that I don't know that I can ever love or even care about in the way I know that I should. It scares me to be so afraid of a small innoccent child who is no doubt wonderful.<BR>I feel conflicted all of the time. My inlaws came to visit. They know about the child. While I was at work and without my knowledge my H brought the child to the house and they got a chance to meet. The question was also posed as to weather or not they would like to meet this OW. I felt so left out of the decision making and as for meeting this woman I just feel that is wrong. She is not part of my family and I feel that if this is something that my inlaws need then I don't know if I can have a relationship with them or with my H if he makes it happen. <BR>I am truly running off at the mouth. I am glad to be able to talk with others who are dealing with my same mess. While I am sad for all of us I am glad to know I am not alone.

PW:<P>I am so sorry for your very difficult situation. There are a couple people on the forum who's spouse does have contact with the OC. Audrey is one, Daycare Disaster is another, however, her situation is not going well. I know there is another that escapes right now as I am off to run errands. <P>I just wanted to drop in and offer my support and tell you I empathize with you as I raised my husband's two children, yet I cannot have one of my own and feel that this new OC should have been mine, as well. I am so sorry for your loss. Jenny can talk to you about loss such as yours.<P>I'll check back later.<P>God speed.<P>catnip =^^=

pw,<BR>I recommend you talk with your spouse and make clear your feelings. I agree that it is very wrong of him and your in-laws to be making decisions about this situation without your input. Maybe you could show him Dr. H's Policy of Joint Agreement and emphasis how important it is to your marriage. The decisions should be between you and H FIRST, then shared with your in-laws as to what you'd expect of them. If they value your marriage, they'll stick to the guidelines you and H put forth. I know some in-laws do not, at which point they no longer deserve your time. Your marriage has to be primary to survive! I dare to say your marriage needs to be on more solid ground before you can open yourself to the OC.<P>I'm so sorry about your fertility issues. You can read my story on Andi's thread where she asks about handling the birth. H and I have 2 biokids, but we've lost 4 pregnancies, including one baby who died at birth. It's very hard for me to accept that this dysfunctional woman who totally betrayed my friendship is raising my H's child. Very painful. We have yet to meet the OC in person because we're long distance, but we're open to visitation (at our house) when OC's older. <P>I could say more but I gotta go...<BR>Just want you to know I'm here and open to discussion...<P>

PW - I'm one who has no children by choice. My H had always said he did not want children either. H is struggling right now to figure out how he's going to deal with OC - to be born in November. If he wants to be involved with the child, and I have told him that I would help support and care for his child. I've even offered to adopt the child. I've made it clear that visitations should be in our home. I don't know how it's actually going to work out, but I'm going to try my best to work it out with H. <P>I'm really sorry your pregnancy did not work out. It makes your situation much harder than mine, I'm sure. Good luck.<P>Childless

PW- I share your "brutal" feelings. I'm in a similiar situation and I know how very painful it is.<BR>My H and I wanted to wait awhile for children as well and when I finally decided to go off the pill (more than several years ago) I finally realized that nothing was happening. Had it not been for my H and his one night stand (which led to the OW's pregnancy)I probably would have seen a fertility speciliast by now. Needless to say, it now seems like a joke, a very cruel one! <BR>Anyway, this woman continued to call my H and try to get him involved in her life but when she finally realized he wanted nothing to do with her, she decided she didn't want him to see this child "for at least a couple of years."<BR>The only reason we knew this was because she called my in-laws (although she barely knew them) and asked if they wanted to see their grand-child. Fortunately, they told her that a DNA test would have to be done first and that if it proved positive then they would see the C with H & myself.<BR>Something tells me that they're curious though, and I personally, would consider that just another betrayal if they did. I know my H warned them against it because I told him I wouldn't have any further contact with them if they did.<BR>However, since H has no other children I think that if paternity were proven he'd want to be involved. He chooses to ignore the situation (when I let him) for now.<BR>I, on the other hand, don't know how i'll deal with it if that time comes. I know it's a hard thing to admit when, yes, it's "an innocent child," however, I cannot help feeling angry and hostile and I don't know when, or if, my feelings will change. <BR>I know eventually I'll be forced to make a choice and it haunts me every day. Some family members have told me... "maybe you'd learn to love this child", honestly, I'm not so sure about that.<BR>Anyway, I do sympathize and wish you the best. Please, let me know how it goes for you ok?

PW,<BR>I'm very sorry that you are dealing with the loss of your baby on top on the betrayal and OC. What a sad situation this is.<P>My H and I are planning to be involved with the OC. We have had some contact already. Right after the baby was born, we visited the OC together in the XOW's home. That was very hard to deal with but it would have been harder to have my H doing it without me. We also "babysat" the OC one time back in December. I'm not sure how to say this, but my H was never that comfortable or good at raising our own children when they were babies. I did most of the hard work while he enjoyed them while they were calm and happy. I'm happy to say that he is much better with the kids now but it is a work-in-progress. His experience with "babysitting" the OC was not a pleasant experience. The baby cried for at least an hour and he had to figure out how to settle her down. I don't feel that I was really ready for us to be taking care of the baby. I let my H know this and we have not "babysat" her since. It was sad for me to watch our children meet their half-sister when they had no idea who she was. My H spent the evening alone in our bedroom trying to calm the OC and I spent the evening taking care of our own kids. It was not a pleasant experience for either of us. <P>Now that we have had more time to rebuild our relationship, I feel that I could handle taking care of the OC better. I still have some reservations about what to tell our kids. Jenny has helped me sort through some of those feelings. I don't think we should tell them yet but I don't like covering it up and lying (by omission) to them. I guess I'm okay with not telling them if we are only taking care of the OC about once a month but if it is more than that then I don't know. We originally planned on once a month but now the XOW is getting divorced. Well, I'm starting to get off topic here but I wanted to share my thoughts.<P>However you and your H handle the situation, I agree with Jenny in that you need to follow the POJA. Your H should not be doing things behind your back like he did by bringing the OC home to meet his parents. The only way that I think any of our marriages can handle including the OC is to have a strong, open, healthy relationship with your spouse first and foremost. Otherwise, it will cause a lot of hurt feelings and harm to the marriage.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Bless your heart - I'm so very sorry you're in this situation - but glad you have a place to go. One positive thing that might come from all my pain is to help others (like you) who are in my situation, but a little farther behind. . .<P>My H's OC is now 1 1/2. It is a boy and we have a daughter together who is 3 1/2. The time of the OW pregnancy - was just one hassle after another- I drove myself crazy trying to find out if my H was going to the ultrasound - if he was still talking to her because of his "guilt" of the situation, etc. Well - it's been a very very rocky road. My MIL was so excited to be having another "grandchild" that it was if the situation and the way it happened was irrelevant. My H said that he had to have some relationship with OC and I wouldn't hear of it. I called the poor child every name in the book (before it was even born). It's just so unfair - this is my H, my daughter and our life - how dare ANYONE come between us? Well - my H and I argued and so did me and my MIL about the situation. She told me she was going to have "some sort" of relationship with OC because she could not live with herself if she didn't and she thought that in the long run I would have no respect for her if she turned her back on this child. My H and my MIL who both promised me that I would be included when they did see the OC - they both did it behind my back and I had to "find out about it". Very very painful - betrayal on top of betrayal.<P>The main thing for you is that you and your H need to like Audrey and Jenny and others have said - you 2 need to decide how you are going to handle things for you - (there sure is no magic) and everyone is different - but as long as you 2 decide then the others involved should respect it. I STILL have not got that respect from my H. I did eventually (before he was 1 yr. old) agree to see OC - with my H and my daughter - (obviously my D had seen him before with my H and STILL H denies it) because my D knew who he was. I was a nervous wreck - let me tell you - I was ready to cry I was so shook up - but after actually "looking" at him and looking to see if he looked like my H, etc. - and it feeing really weird - it was okay. Basically I've seen him a handful of times and it's usually to "babysit" when the OW has something to do. My H claims he doesn't tell me stuff because "I can't handle it" and he knows what I can and can't handle (yeah right).<P>My situation is very hard still - my MIL acts as if the OW is just like I am (another daughter-in-law) and she keeps the OC more than she keeps our Daughter and I asked her out of respect for me to not let the OW be in her home - and she said "how can I do that?" I can't refuse her to be in my home? You know? Crap like that - it's like - - "let's all be one happy family!" I have actually grown to love the little guy and ironically my D and OC have a very strong (scary) bond - and obviously they are too young to realize their connection - but they adore each other - and it breaks my heart - because I don't want some other woman to have a child that is in relation to our child (that's not mine). I know I am rambling - I just can identify so much with what you're going through. The OC doesn't have our last name, nor does my H pay a set child support - he just gives her $$$ whenever he needs something, etc. My H's parents give her $$$, which makes me sick - 'cause they sure don't help us - oh well<BR>Is your OC going to have your last name? I was just on pins and needles re: this - I DID NOT want that child to have my H's last name- I dont know why - but it was very important to me. My H sees the OC almost every day - because the bimbo (OW) being only 22 yrs. old - works at the daycare that my D already went to - and now has the OC enrolled there - so of course my D wants to go see him every morning - whih they usually do - it just kills me - it's like they all have this little "club" that I'm excluded from - because she also informed my H that she didn't want "me" to come see OC at the daycare. Yuck -<P>I guess the main thing I want to say is to have you and your H sit down and take the time to agree on "what course of action" you will take re: any issue. It's imperative or you will be in a "mess" like I'm in now. Hopefully I'll find enough courage to get through this - or get out of it - because I'm pretty miserable at this point with the way things are going - I do love the little guy, though and would love to raise him - if she fell off the face of the earth - I honestly think I could do that (which is saying a lot from the point I was at).<P>I'd be glad to post with you directly if you'd like. I wish you the very best and please come here for anything - it has been the best medicine for me.<P>------------------<BR>

PW<P>Bless you. <P>My H has partial custody of OC - I insisted on it. H picks up OC from her house every other weekend. My in laws have seen OC but only through H, which is what I want. I was very clear with my H. OW is not a part of the family. I'll pray that your H will respect your feelings because whether or not your inlaws have a relationship with the OW will depend mostly on him.

My husband's OC is 4 yrs old. Sometimes I feel so tired of dealing with the whole mess. I didn't know about her existence in another country until June 1999. The OW sent me a letter expressing in broken English how truly sorry she is. I know she would take my husband in a heart beat still if she weren't engaged to some rich man in NY. I just hope she marries him and he is a good father figure to my husband's daughter. I pray for the day she doesn't want to be inconvenienced by staying in daily contact on the phone with my husband. He really pushes it. I think because he feels abandoned by his parents when they sent him to boarding school at the age of 4. He doesn't want her to feel abandoned. No reason to think the OW is not a good mother. <BR>It surely keeps the pain from subsiding. Peace lover.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peace lover:<BR><B>I know she would take my husband in a heart beat still if she weren't engaged to some rich man in NY. I just hope she marries him and he is a good father figure to my husband's daughter. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wouldn't it be great if they all got married and had lives of their own instead of meddling forever in ours? Geez, it never seems to end.<P>You're kinder than I am. I see all these types of women as bad mothers. They brought children into the world without a husband for themselves and without a father for their kids. They are uncertain about the future relationships for all involved and for how financial concerns will be taken care of. Things can be turned around, but anyone who starts off their children's lives like by choice that is automatically a poor parent in my eyes.