Last night, I brought up the subject of getting legal advice. H still insists that the OW would not fight to get child support. He feels like she would not do that because she would risk having sole custody of the baby. That may be so, but my point was that it would be better to be prepared than have a "surprise" later on. I'm also concerned that my salary will be considered...not sure about the laws in the OW's state. Anyway, H did finally see the light and agreed that it would be better to know the facts now. YEAH! <P>To temper my enthusiasm on that minor breakthrough, I also talked about calling the OW's mother to find out what is going on with the pregnancy. If you remember, my H had initially brought this up and said that HE had been thinking about it. I had finally decided it would be a good idea for us to do that - I feel like we are in the dark as to what's happening and, to some extent, both of us are just avoiding the reality of the situation. I even suggested calling the OW (together!) and facing her instead of going through her mother. H said no way. Now he's decided that the best thing for him is to have no contact whatsoever with OW or her mother. I even suggested that I would call by myself and ask the questions we want to know if it was going to be difficult for him. He is totally against the idea. I just don't get it...especially since he was the one that mentioned it in the first place! Should I force the issue? Now he feels like he is being coerced into making the call. Can anyone say "CONFLICT-AOVIDER"? <P>Am I being too demanding? What do you guys suggest?<BR>

<BR>I *strongly* suggest that you seek legal advice regarding child support. Claims that she won't seek child support are IMO just foolish. States (e.g., Indiana) have a de facto default of unwed mothers getting sole custody, so she wouldn't be risking *anything* by suing, really. Big financial upside versus no custody loss downside - well, *you* do the math. I don't know if your income would be considered, that depends on the state. Seek legal advice, Andi! Do it without your H if you have to.<P>Bystander

Andi,<P>I am so glad that your husband finally agreed to seek some legal advice. I know it has been difficult to get him to agree to something. This is the smart thing to do, you have to be prepared. I know for a fact that the OW will eventually go to get child support. <P>I think I would stay clear of calling the OW or her mother. I know the he mentioned it at first but, the less contact the better. You don't want her to think that she can call your house whenever she wants. If you contact her, she might think that she can call you. Keep your chin up.<P>babstr.

Good advice here. I'd get some legal advice too. You can always check these things out online too. (I did). That way if for some reason your H backed out again, you'd have a good idea of what you are dealing with. I found out how child support is determined, what factors go into deciding the amount, how it can be TAKEN from you if you don't decide to pay, that once paternity is established in my state, the child gets the H's last name, about paying back support if she goes for $$$ later on, and whether or not my income is included. Of course check to make sure the site you are getting your info from is official. There is no substitute for a real live lawyer, but preparation is better than being in the dark.<P>I also agree about the no contact thing. I would prefer if I were in on any contact that was made, but stirring that pot could cause more trouble than it is worth. What would you really learn that you can't live without learning later?

Legal help is a must. Not only do the laws vary from state to state, there are differences from county to county. Where I live, the spouse's income is not taken into consideration per se, but there is a section of the paperwork in which you must place the income of others in your household. What they do with that info is anyone's guess, but I do think the other income is taken into consideration when determining whether the respondent will have enough money to pay his bills after the fleecing. Despite the laws, the whole process is more arbitrary than one would like to believe, and depends in part upon the whim of the judge/examiner. The fact that there is an existing family and the OW's motives are irrelevant as far as morality is concerned. The court shaves off a few cents for the care of H's other kids (yours), while dumping $$ into the lap of the OW. You might want to lay away a stash now, Andi, for a rainy day.<P>I agree with the others. Unless you want an open dialogue between yourself and OW, don't contact her. It's funny...they all want to talk and be bestest friends and work out all kinds of arrangements with the Ws after they wreck our lives.