Hello everybody I am so so so so glad I am not alone! Although I am sorry to see that we all are in pain for something we did not do!confused:<BR>I have been reading all your stories and backgrounds and in a way I do not feel so lonely in this...<BR>This is my story...<BR>3.75 years ago my H had an affair with OW, never met but did find out at the moment I found out that he had an affair with this person while I was pregnant, I had my beautiful child and I found out about it, I did leave him , but after 3 months we decided to go to counseling and work in our marriage. We did go to counseling, unfortunately a year later we receiverd a letter in the mail claiming that this person had a child from him! I was furious! He did do everything DNA, got a lawyer (we live in a different state now THANK GOD!) and found out it in fact his and got stuck paying CS!!! Like everybody knows it is alot, I know had to go back to work, my daughter is in daycare. He never knew about her being pregnant nor nothing...suddenly the whore files for CS!!! To make my problems worse we have decided to keep the OC as a secret nobody else knows but him and I (NO FAMILY MEMBERS) I have been keeping this to myself for 2.5 years, I have never told a friend, not a sole, the number one reason is because I am embarrassed and I do not want my daughter to ever know about this so called OC from a whore.<BR>So I am lonely, frustrated, desperate, and I do not know what to do? I love my husband and he is really good to me now, he has not only the best H in the world but really has worked with me through this whole thing, unfdortunatelly every time I get mad I attack him with this, and although I try to put it behind me EVERY MONTH we receive the CS BILL which of course I feel it takes away from my child and me! Because of him I cannot have another child and now I am stuck working 40hrs plus in order to be able to pay the Bills. Could you guys help me? I do not know how to control the pain and the anger.<BR>Thank you for reading this.<BR>I am very lonely....

Hi Fambis<P>You are not alone. I'm glad your H is treating you good through this. That will help in your healing - eventually. The other positive here is the OW lives in another state. The OW my H had an EA with lives on the other side of the city. <P>You will get a lot of support here. As a recent poster myself I find it comforting to say and hear from others who understand.<P>I know I didn't help much, but I just wanted to say hi and welcome you.<BR>

Welcome Fambis! Sorry you are in this position, as we all are, but at least you will get sympathy here. <P>Anger is an issue that most of us on this board are coping with to varying degrees. Venting on this board is a great outlet for your rage. I suppose we've all been guilty about ranting to our wayard spouses, but that seems so counterproductive.<P>No matter what you've been or done in your marriage, you didn't deserve this. Like you, the OW and I were pregnant at the same time. It's so demoralizing knowing that your H has a child out there the same age as yours, and it's a constant reminder, especially at the timeswhen the CS must get paid, that he was so careless when you needed him most. <BR>It's important that he is behaving properly to you and your child right now, and giving you the love and support you deserve.<P>Be good to yourself. Polly<P>

Fambis: I am so sorry you are here but so glad you found us. there is no where on the face of the earth better to come to for this horrible situation you are faced with.<P>Please read Dr. Harley's book and learn how to handle yourself through this. You will learn the Harley principles, and perhaps learn to forgive your spouse and learn not to love bust too much, especially if he is being so wonderful to you and working so hard to restore the marriage.<P>We are all in the same tragic mess and here for each other and for you. Come here to vent and discuss options and give and get support. I hope you will find comfort here.<P>Catnip =^^=

Fambis,<BR>Welcome to the board. I could just copy Polly's post, it is so like me, but I'll resist Yes, there's a certain pain having the OC's birth overlap one of our own; H's OC is 5 DAYS older than our daughter. <P>I'm so sorry for all that the affair/OC situation has taken from you. We share our pain here, esp. when we have no friend or family to turn to.<P>Two and half years is a long time to keep these feelings to yourself. Have you gotten any counseling? <P>Best wishes...<BR>

<BR>Thank you everybody! I feel so much better that I know I have a place to come to and talk about issues that I can not talk to anybody else.<BR>After the acknowledgement of OC, I have tried to cope alone but it has not worked, I was thinking of going to counseling but I feel that it does not matter what I do, the problem will always be there and there is no way to "forget" and I am going to have to deal with this like it or not. <BR>I am so glad I found you guys because I feel very supported and I feel like YOU understand, everybody can tell you what you should do, but if they have not been in this situation they really do not know what is like. I feel like I not only had to deal with " the infidelity " and all the pain it causes that but it happened in a stage of my life in which I was so vulnerable, I was pregnant with our first child, we had moved to a different state, I had quit my job, and bang this happened. the the next BANG a year later after I thought I was feeling better. Now I sometimes feel pressured because he wants to have more children and everytime he asks me or somebody else asks me about havin gmore children I feel like I am been stabbed in the stomach. I don't think I can go through pregnancy again without having bad memories and not going crazy <BR>What do you guys think?<BR>P.S. I am trying to do the smilies but I do not how they work!<BR>

Fambis, I am too in a similar situation as you are in, even though you've know about yours for 2 1/2 yrs. It's been about 9 months for me. We have a 6 yr. old boy and I had a little girl last July. The OW should've had the OC sometime in May. We have not heard anything or at least I have not heard anything. My H does not want anything to do w/ the OC or OW because he feels has though he was trapped and he wants his marriage w/ me and our 2 children. We have been married 7 years and there is something to the 7 year itch. I do think however that you get counseling. I don't think that it will hurt. We started going to counseling together last month and things have gotten better for us. We are discovering a lot about ourselves. We rarely talked about the affair. We are discovering that our Emotional Needs are not being met. That is not to say that's the reason why he was stupid and had the affair. We are just learning how to LOVE each other the way each other wants to not the way we think they want to be loved. We are trying to move to another state too because I think that will make things easier for us. I have told 1 of my sisters everything ( I have 4 sisters). My mother does not know anything. I did confide in two friends they gave me their opinions and like you said they don't know because they are not in the same situation. I told them and my sister I just need their support and understanding. Another thing that I started doing was a journal on Oprah's website. It's been a good to me because I can express myself w/out being afraid to. Please release your anger so you can get your marriage on track. By me telling you this I am actually talking to myself too. I am trying to trust and believe him again which is very hard. How are you doing as far as trusting your H?<P>Take Care,<BR>Stefanie

Dear Stephanie:<BR>I cannot tell it has not been hard but I can say I trust him 100%. My husband has dedicated himself to our relationship since this happened 3.5 years ago (even before we new about the OC), he not only changed his job, moved us out of that state, started a new life near his parents. He understands that it is very hard for me to trust him and that everything he might do without even thinking of it may "trigger" some emotions so evethough we have our arguments he is open to me NO SECRETS, I know exactly where he is at what time, I can call him at work no matter what time, he calls me when he leaves, and he NEVER NEVER NEVER goes out without me AGAIN! He does goes to fuctions and other social affairs that he has to go but I usually go with him and for the past 3.5 years he has done nothing but to be so ashamed on what he did to me and his daughter. He is so ashamed and so sorry that he understand how hard it is for me. There is one thing though he has never had contact with the OW even when we got the OC papers, we just contacted a lawyer, he never contacterd the OW, never tried, and we also did something that I do not know if your lawyers had told you guys you can do:<BR>1.) Restraining order<BR>2.) Request to never be contacted<BR>3.) When we went to court my lawyer did not claimed anyhting of mine because I am an innocent party in this. Although you guys are married to them that does not mean that if the bank accounts are ONLY in your name they cannot by LAW touch them. I never changed my last name nor my Social Security name so although I am legally married I have a different legal name.<BR>4.) We do pay a fortune but we pay it make sure is on time and that way we cannot be accused of anyhting, the OC is in our Health Insurance as well but the bills (co-payment and so forth is the responsability of the Custodian Parent in this case the OW.)<BR>I hope this helps a bit. Believe I will help in any way I can to, your husband need to understand that he need to gain your trust again and that will take A LONG TIME, that does not mean you do not love him, BUT you also need to watch for yourself and love yourself and that means to be careful and if he really wants to make your marriage work he needs to be 200% Honest with you. NO SECRETS.

Fambis, Thank you for your response. He is doing things to show me that he wants this marriage to work. I admit that there are times when he gets sarcastic because he figures that since he told me of the affair I should automatically trust him again. I tried to tell him that it does not work that way. We went to counseling today and it went well. I bought the book After the Affair by Janis Abrahms. I am only on Ch.1 and I can say that I'm starting to feel better. She validates all of my emotions, so I won't think that I am going crazy or that there is something wrong with me. <BR>How do you feel about the OC being on your Insurance? Was that court ordered? I also asked the counselor today how do I go about forgiving and trusting him again,and he said just do it because it's in the past and I can't do anything about it now. He said just be aware and be smart and not overlook things if there are staring me in the face. If he does not give me any reason to not trust him, then I need to trust him. I hope our lives together get better. What do you see for yourself? I had to decide that I was not going to let this situation control me any longer because I want to be happy and be happy w/ my H. It is a conscience decision on my part daily. It's getting easier to the point where I sometimes don't have say to myself, "Ok, I am not going to let this upset me today." My anger comes and goes like I am sure yours does. I am so tired of these emotions, I just want to be normal again. Well, I guess that enough for right now. Let's stay in touch and let's get through this together because we are two strong ladies that have children looking up to us for strength and guidance. <BR>God Bless!<P>Stefanie

Dear Stephanie:<BR>You have no IDEA how your words encourage me!<BR>I must admit that it is very hard, but on the optimistic side I can assure you that TIME does heal and then you will only suffer once in a while. I do not think about it everyday, unless something happens like a BOMB! (That is how I call OC BAD news). We had no choice but to put the OC in our insurance it was a court settlement. There is one thing I have learned about this, YOU CANNOT FIGHT IT, because there is no battle to fight. The truth is that it happened as much as we do not want to accept it and the truth is that unfortunatelly HE made a BIG MISTAKE and now he has a responsability like it or not. I also try not to get involved anymore, if there is a letter in the mail from CS Agency, I just simply put it aside a do not open it, let him deal with the letter or bill. The problem is that sometimes I have to know stuff because I pay all the bills, so ...it is tough. I do know that he loves me and he is so afraid that I will leave him, that he is doing everything possible to make me feel better and happy, although days like today I can't. <BR>Yesterday I came home and found a letter from the Federal Goverment letting me know that our awaited TAX return had been "forwarded" to the OC for back payment! We thought we did not owe anyhting because we had been paying extra every month to counteract the months that my husband was unemployed. It really bothered me because that is MY MONEY at least half of it, and I did not think that was fair, but then after the anger I just let it be because in the long run is only money right? I cannot believe people out there are out to make money on other peoples weaknesses. I understand that these laws were put to protect the Children but what about the right of the WIFE AND THE LEGITIMATE CHILDREN? I think that if there was a law to protect children that is fine , but there should also be a law to protect women against women who gets involved with your husband, for real! I think that if these women knew that they would get NOTHING out the man because he is married I bet you non of us would be here talking about the OC because there would be NO OC! Why? because these women would never have had it if they knew they would get no money. Just think of how unfair it is: Women has OC, women gets an x amount of money a month to take care of OC, women finds another man, women marries man supports woman and OC, woman CONTINUES to receive money! Just think about it!, and to make it worst I cannot believe MEN created these rules!...Sorry I had to vent.<BR>I feel that it will never end... sometimes I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.<BR>Now on the other hand, I love my husband, and my child...well she is my life, she is my sunshine and she is the reason that I wake up everyday, the reason I work really hard, and the reason I need to live happy and not let the OC and the Woman control my life. So, since I had to keep this secret for a while until I found you guys, I learned that when I feel like yesterday, I try to do something fun with my daughter to take all these bad thoughts out of my mind, and it works, we go to the Beach, or we play Lego, or we read a book, or we even turn on the radio and we dance like crazy! Believe me the OC will affect your life accept that, but do not let it ruin nor control your life.<BR>Thank you for being there today I really needed somebody. Thank you guys!

Fambis,<P>All I can say is welcome. And I am in the same boat as you. My h is working hard to make things better. We are trying to move away, the OW still works where my H does. The OC is four months older than our child. I am just trying to move forward. All of your words and encouragement helped.<P>babstr.

I can really feel for you. At least you have a baby to hold and love. My H and I had agreed to have only 2 children. Several years ago I started wanting to have another 1 or 2 children. H did not want them so I supressed the urge every time it reared it's ugly head.<P>OW had my H's child just one month ago. Like you, H and I agreed to keep it secret from other family members. Mostly due to shame. <P>When I found out the OW was pregnant I was very jealous because H would not give me more children. I tried talking to him about having more children but he still does not agree. I know that he did not intentionally get OW pregnant, although I suspect she planned it to try to take him away from me.<P>Now I have to live the rest of my life with no more new babies to hold in my arms and send this woman a child support check every month for the next 17 years and 11 months. She gets a baby and I get the bill.<P>It hurts. Sometimes the pain overwhelms me. I don't even have a best friend anymore because my H had 2 affairs during our bad times and my former best friend was the 2nd other woman.

HannahRenee,<BR>Welcme to the board; I'm so sorry for your pain. I can relate. Though I do have a wonderful baby the same age as the XOW's, I lost one baby 5 years ago at birth (XOW also has a child the same age as the one I lost!) and have had 3 miscarriages (the last one March 2000, with scarey complications); my H had a vasectomy in April, so childbearing is over for us despite our originally wanting 3-5 kids (we have 2). We're considering adoption, but with child support to XOW/OC, we're scared of adoption costs. Yes, I miss what that money should be doing for OUR family!! > <P>Also, the XOW was a very close "friend" of mine and son's favorite sitter at the time of the affair. BIZZARELY, she even offered to be a surrogate mother for me DURING the (unknown to me) affair! A double betrayal is a sick, soul-killing event. It deeply hurts to have our dreams kicked in the teeth by people we thought loved us loyally. You deserve to find some positives and happiness in your life. We CAN move on!<P>best wishes,<BR>jenny<P>

Hannah Renne: <BR>I am so sorry to hear about your story. But in the overall just remember that you are very lucky to have children, you have 2 I have one (and this happen to me during my first pregnancy, which I always thought it was going to be great!). I have a bigger problem to face and that is overcoming that horrible time of my life, but everytime I think I would like to have another child all I can think is of that terrible time in my life and psychologically I do not think I can have another child. My H wants to have more children but I can't even imagine that! I think I would have a nervous breakdown if I got pregnant at the time. I think that I need to heal and that time is the only thing that can do that, I think! as long as there are no more PROBLEMS! We are financially hurting as well, and we only have one child I can not even imagine having more! But I will make the effort once we are financially out of the hole with this CS and so on. I also feel that I have to work full time to help support our household and I don't think it is fair to have another child to put him orher in a Daycare facility for 9 hours a day!<BR>Hannahrenne I think you are doing great and being strong, concentrate on the positive things in your life and try to forget those ugly times!<BR>Hang in there!

Fambis,<BR>Welcome to the forum. I'm glad that you found us. You are definitely not alone. It is so nice to have a place to come for support from others who truly understand what you are going through. My H and I have been in recovery for 17 months. The OC is 10 months old. Like you, we have told very few people. We have only told some close friends and my H's sister. We have 3 children (8, 3, and 2). <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey