<BR>I've tried Dr. H's plan A..I did that the day I found out. My initial reaction was to tell him to get out when he revealed the affair and the baby all at one time. In fact, I did tell him to get out. The coward told me over the phone, he couldnt even face me. I thought about it, then I took my children, my D who is 5 and my S who just turned 3, to his mom's house, so I could come back home to make him face me...and look at me and feel my pain. I then offered to let him stay and go to counseling with him, but he declined. He said it would be too hard on everyone involved. He said he loves the OW and he will always love me..Is that just a cop out just to try and make me feel a little better about the situation? That he hasnt completely fell out of love with me? He said he had been unhappy for a long time and he needed to go away to sort things out...like Dr H says..its just so he could have more time with her. Now we are into stage two of all of this, I have given his new D all of my D old clothes and some toys. I am trying to win him back with kindness and understanding, but it seems to be going unnoticed,by him anyway. When I offered my son's clothes in case they were planning more children, he proceeded to tell me that "I am packing up our life together and how could I do that to him"...How can I do that to him? Please, how can he do this to us, and our children..they cry all of the time, I am borderline clincal depression, and how can I do this to him? Plan A doesnt seem to be working...I told him that in order for us to make a go of it, he would have to leave his job and the affair would have to end today...he said he loves his job and he cant end the affair..he said he's confused. What I dont understand is how he can love his job and this OW more than us. To make matters worse with the OW, I find out that she is on public assistance and my tax dollars are supporting their "love child". I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm confused...I dont see what he can want in a woman who has no earning potential what so ever. She doesnt even have a high school diploma..What does she have that I dont? I think it's time to move on to Dr H's plan b, I know it has only been 2 weeks and 3 days, but it's not working...he doesnt seem interested in coming home...I know he's hurting and sad, but he wont talk to me and I dont know how to make him open up. I could learn to trust him again...but in Dr H's plan A, he would have to give up any and all contact with the OW and that is not possible with the child being involved, is it? I am trying not to be angry when Im around him and Im trying my best to put on a happy face, but is it better to show my emotions and how upset and withdrawn I have become so that he will understand my pain...I know that wont make him want to come home, but it would make it easier if I knew he was sorry and that he was hurting too.<P>------------------<BR>

aloneandsad,<P>I think you need to move to plan B. Your H is not even close to giving up this woman and trying to salvage the marriage. You need to step back and think about your future and your children, he isn't. I am all for trying to save the marriage, I know that I am. But I also know that my H has no contact and never will. If he was doing what you husband is doing, there would be no holding back. I know that you love him and you care about him, I can see that in your words. But his confusion is going to hurt you and your children. Please try and go get some counseling for yourself. Even if you think there is a chance. You need to take actions, that there might never be a chance again. Look into your finances. Look into a lawyer, even if it is just talking to see your options. I hate to see you hurt over and over, and to have your children hurt. There could still be hope, but I would rather you be safe. You need to draw the lines. If he is living with her, then I would say your good intentions will continue to be lost. You sound like a great person full of love and trust. Turn that towards your children, they will need you as much as you need them. I hope I was of some help. I truly understand your pain. We are all here for you. Your in my prayers.<P>babstr.

I agree with babstr, plan B sounds like it would be more productive. I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. I can certainly understand how you feel alone and sad. Your H definately sounds as if he's way deep in fantasy land, but that doesn't mean he won't ever come back to reality and the beautiful family he has at home. I will pray for you and your children and also that you H will see the pain he is causing and work to repair your marriage.<p>[This message has been edited by tryingtomoveforward (edited June 27, 2000).]

hi aloneandsad,<P>i don't have any advice for you, but i just want you to know you are in my prayers. hang in there and keep posting as i know there are people here who can help you out. i am still new at this and don't have much advice to give. but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.<P>happy_girl

Thank You all for your replies...I know in my heart that Plan B is the only way to go, but it will be difficult. My H still needs to have contact with the children. I dont know how to make that work. I've tried just leaving them at my mother and father in law's house and telling him I will pick them up at a certain time, so we dont even have to speak to each other or see each other, but then he always finds a convient out to come to the house to bring the children here. This makes it impossible to make Dr. H's plan b work. My family lives 275 miles away and I have concidered moving there to be with them, however, I feel that would be destructive to my children. I went through my parents' divorce and my dad moved away, I had no contact or relationship with him for 14 years and that would be tragic for my children. I dont know what to do...that would be easiest for me emotionally and is always an option that I keep in the back of my mind, but I have a good job here that pays well and I enjoy and I'm not ready to give that up too. I have worked so hard to get where I am and to have that all taken away from me would just devestate me..DAMN him for what he's done to my kids..my 5 year old is whiney and crying all of the time, my 3 year old is becoming aggressive...My job has a program called Work and Family...I have sought counseling...I have my first appointment today. I can see myself on the verge of clincal depression and that would not be good for me, my job, or especially my beautiful children. They are all I have in this world right now. He has the OW and the OC and their welfare checks...(I really hope that makes him feel proud). I having my children and that is good enough for me. I still dont know whether to show my emotions and let him know how incredibly sad I am or put on a happy face and make him feel like everything is fine? I have contacted an attorney and she is due to file the legal separtion, CC and CS papers this week..as soon as she received my family's money...GET This!!! He has 6 brothers and sisters...my mom paid 1/2 of my attorney fees, guess who paid the other 1/2? His brother's and sisters. THat is comforting however, blood is still thicker than water and they will eventually go over to his side...theyre all very angry, hurt and embarrassed by what he did to me and our children so they are doing everything they can to help me out. They have known about this for 4 months and still dont talk to him...but that is by his choice, they told him even if he and I didnt reconcile, It was the OW or his family, and even that hasnt done it. This woman has him wrapped so tight...he is going to eventually choke himself. She is telling him what to do how to do it and when to do it...That's why he finally fessed up...she told him to tell me or she would, otherwise, he would have kept it up, even with the baby...but how can that work? Even if she doesnt make him do anything around the house, like change the baby's diapers, etc, that is eventually going to get old...Dr H's plan says if they are not willing to break free right away, most of the time, it will happen in 6 months...Is that true? I keep hoping and praying that he will see the light and see how good it was here...I dont see where our life was that bad, until the affair started and I started suspecting...then the arguements started getting more and more frequent and more intense, but before that, we argued maybe 1 or 2 times a month and it was usually during PMS time. How can I make Plan B work when I still have to have contact concerning the children...or should I just give up everything and move near my family? Please help..Im confused, alone, sad, scared and feel hopeless. I even tried going out with a man yesterday for lunch..he was sweet, he brought flowers...he showed me attention, but it didnt feel right, I felt like I was cheating...so how could he do it, without the guilt? I did nothing wrong yesterday, but I still feel like I did something wrong...Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers everyday...I pray every minute, every second of the day...sometimes I think that is the only way that I am going to stay even a little bit saine.<BR>Thanks,<BR>aloneandsad<P>------------------<BR>

A&S,<BR>I'm very sorry that your H is putting you through this pain. It sounds as if your H is still living in his fantasy land. I'm not sure that there is anything you can do to stop it other than by letting him hit rock bottom on his own. If you don't feel that you can continue on with Plan A then maybe it is time to implement Plan B. But, I think it is more difficult to win your H's heart back my doing Plan B. You should post this question in the Plan A/Plan B or General Questions forum for some additional feedback. Moving away from your H would not be a good idea right now. I understand you are hurting very deeply and want to protect yourself. But, you still love your H and want him to come back home. Moving would make that outcome much more unlikely. I wish I had some better advice to give. I wish we could hit your H over the head to help him wake up but, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I will keep you in my thoughts. I'm glad to hear that you are going to begin counseling. I think that it will benefit you in many ways. Please take care and do something special for yourself right now. <P>Best wishes,<BR>Audrey