Thanks to everyone that responded to my original post!! I am so thankful that I found this board. <P>We have yet to do DNA testing or go to court for that matter. We found out by accident, we received a letter in the mail stating we might be in need of legal services and I did some investigating and found his case on the internet in the county superior court case log. She filed 04-11-00 and is being helped by the welfare dept because she was receiving benefits. So, I can't even imagine what else awaits us besides the back and current child support. AHHHH! The things we do for love.<P>Anyway, he had talked to her and she said she had to give his name eventually because they would no longer give her benefits until she did. So we will have a big mess on our hands. His brother who has seen OC, says she looks just like my H. So we are pretty positive it is his child. I have asked and reasked and he says he wants no relationship with the OC at all. So, I have decided to let it go at that. How will they take back child support payments?? Should we separate our checking accts??<P>Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!

happy_girl,<P>I can only tell you about what I know of the laws in Kansas, elsewhere they may be entirely different! Here, if you owe back child support, you pay a portion of that amount, plus your monthly child support. For example, if you owe $500.00 in back child support and owe current child support in the amount of $250., you will pay the $250, plus another $75. for the back support. I'm not sure what formula they use to calculate the amount of back child support, but that's the jest of it. As far as your checking accounts go, I have no clue! Really you will have to search for specific laws in your state. You may be able to find some of that info on the internet. I know more than a couple people on this site have become very knowledgeable in regard to particular laws in their states with the help of the internet. But, of course, your best, and most costly, way to get good legal advice is to get an attorney. Hope I've helped at least a little!

I am so sad now. We just got served with the court papers. Not 30 minutes after I posted the previous message. It hadn't hit me as much until now. I cried and cried. We both lost our appetite, and I had made a delicious lasagna. My H was upset too, but told me that we can get thru anything. I really hope so. Sometimes I am so afraid that our marriage will not make it because of all the problems we will have to go thru. As much as it makes me mad, I know in my heart that my H is sorry for all the hurt he has caused, and I know he loves me. But I still worry that this will destroy us. We have worked so hard on our problems and are so happy now, except this. Please pray for us. And please advise me on anything you think might help. Thanks. And we are in AZ, if anyone else out there lives here.<P>a sad happy_girl

Happygirl,<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I know that getting the actual paper is like a stab in the back. Be forwarned, getting the DNA papers is that same. Even though I knew in my heart that the DNA would be positive, it still hurt like hell to read my H's name next to that OW and child. Do get legal advice ASAP. I know for a fact that the states will stop at nothing to get their money back. So if she was on support for a while, the state will try to get every dime. All I can say is I am praying for you. It sounds like your marriage is strong that will help. I personally am still waiting on appeal information in regards to child support. We filed that over two months ago. Be prepared the system is slow. <P>babstr.<BR>

thanks babstr. i just don't know what to do. i feel so sad and mad. it is hard to get mad at my husband because we are so past that now. we had worked so hard to get to where we are and then this came up to knock us down. it is frustrating. and sometimes i feel as if i can't go to God to help me because I always have mean thoughts about the OW. Has anyone else struggled with this? We need to get a lawyer. we are going to have a lot of back support. the child is almost 3 years old. Does anyone know if we should have separate bank accounts? Thanks for letting me vent. <P> sad happy_girl

happy_girl,<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers! I know those emotions that you are going through. My emotions seem to be on a roller coaster. Some days I'm mad as h*ll at my H. Others I feel hopeful about our future. I also have felt super duper angry towards OW, then I've felt sorry for her. It sucks to be so emtionally drained from all this! Keep posting though, it has been a wonderful release for me!

tryingtomoveforward,<P>thanks for the prayers, everyone here is now on my nightly prayer list. i feel for all that are going thru this. it is so hard, and though i am sad there are so many of us out there, i am so glad i found somewhere i can come and talk to people about my problems and feelings. it is so hard sometimes and you feel so alone. but now i don't feel as alone as before. thanks for the kind thoughts and words and i am sending them right back at you. <P> happy_girl

Dear Happy_Girl:<BR>I have been reading your postings and your situation is EXACTLY like mine when I read your thoughts and feelings I feel like I am writing it! The only difference is that I had a child and the OW Child is 8 months younger than mine so just imagine... We did not find out till a year later, and like you we had time to work on our marriage and to make it strong. I can tell you that you are NOT crazy for having bad thoughts and for being angry and for thinking that this OW is an irresponsible, house wrecker, money taker, and so on and on... <BR>When it ocmes to CS well you really should get a lawyer just to help through the process so YOUR information can be kept out of this. He will have to start paying CS and he should as soon as that DNA comes back!, you are only going to have to pay for CS from the moment the paternity has been confirmed, so you are probably not going to have to pay for the past three years, but from the moment you received the first oficial document.but, ask for legal counsel because I am in another state. The OW is another state, Thank God and you have to go for the OW state that she is getting the CS help. My prayers are for you and it seems that you made up your mind long time ago when you forgave your husband and moved forward...So move forward! and hang in there, it is very hard specially when you receive the papers and so on, why because that is reality, no way out and it is very hard for you to accept it, and we understand it is very hard to accept it, but you are very lucky like I am and your H does not want anything but to fix the situation and pay CS, so if you want to be with him after this that you need to support him in his decision give him all the love because he needs it as well! If he is truly sorry, he probably feels worst than you because he feel he failed you, and you need to make him feel that he made the right decision and that you will be his friend and partner for life, they need to be re assured! When it comes to feeling hang in there we are all in the same boat and I can tell you that every day it gets a little bit better!<BR>I feel so supported in this group and ready Dr Harley book it helps! It really helps you focuse on the positive sides of your marriage and helps! Good luck my prayers are for you and I am here if you need me! <p>[This message has been edited by Fambis (edited June 27, 2000).]

Happy Girl,<BR>I understand how hard it is when reality hits you with something like the court papers. So far we have been able to avoid all the court and lawyer fees. We worked out the CS without going through all that. Of course, there are no guarantees that she won't decide to take us to court in the future but we are paying her pretty close to what she would get anyway so I'm not going to spend my time worrying about it. <P>I think it is helpful that you and your H have already worked through many of your issues. That strength in your marriage will help you get through this ordeal. I believe that you will be able to get through this. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel angry or sad over the situation. It is unfair that we have to live with this constant reminder of the affair. But it is something that we have to do in order to go on with our lives as best as we can. <P>By the way, I would start putting money away now as if you were already paying the CS. That will help cover some of the back payments that might be awarded to the XOW. And, I agree, that you need to get a lawyer to protect yourselves. Some states allow your income to be included in the formula when determining CS and some don't. But I don't think that having separate checking accounts makes any difference. Check with a lawyer.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Audrey

Hi all, thanks again for your support and advice. The shock is wearing off a bit. You just can't be prepared even when you already know what is gonna happen. I have calmed down a bit although I got no sleep last night, and when I woke up this a.m., I couldn't go back to sleep like I usually do and just tossed and turned. Hopefully tonight will be better.<P>Reading the court papers really scared me. She used state medicaid to have to baby and has gotten benefits from welfare so I can't imagine how much our back support will be. I don't know if I will be able to go forward with my plans for school because I was going to have to quit work. Don't think we can live on 50% of my H salary. Unless we go on welfare ourselves. <P>Well, thanks for letting me vent. Take care and I know I will post later because I've no one else to talk to.<P>happy_girl