As in last 2 posts - my husband had a brief affair (2x) young co-worker. He says it was sex only. At the same time he was having a very passionate online affair with a woman he never met in another state. From our initial confrontation(April 19) he came and left 4 x each time saying he wanted to work things out but then saying he was so confused etc. he needed time to think. He came home he says for good the day before Father's Day. He says he wants to try and work things out, he still loves me, he misses our life together(23 years!) the children etc. The kicker is the girl is pregnant. He feels quilty and that he has to do "The right thing by her and be supportive of her because she is so young" They still work together in close quarters. I havn't said what about the right thing about me and our children because I am trying not to love bust. He says they probably won't work together after the summer. I just don't know what to do. From what his sister says he wants to work things out with me but is unsure we can(more hurt). I have been supportive and loving even thought he is somewhat distant. He is here and we are doing things together and making a lot of future talk - like what we'll do for vacation next year or home improvements etc. Whenever I try to talk about more serious issues he kind of withdraws. My therapist says thats O.K. that that is what she is for. She also says the biggest threat to my marriage is this girl and I should have one foot in the door and one foot out. I can't live like that. Everyone tells me to be patient and continue what I'm doing. I just wish he could say he was never going to see this girl again and transfer jobs or something.Which he refuses because of a lot of old baggage. I feel hopeful because he is here with me but not hopeful when I am the initiator in the physical contact and he seems cool but will respond like it is expected of him. I want to continue with Plan A - if he leaves again I don't think I can take it. I will be more inclined to give up at that point. Plus it will just drive him into the arms of that 22 year old bimbo. I need a pep talk I guess that I am doing the right thing and eventually he will come to his senses. But what a personal toll this is taking. Does the betrayer ever have any idea of the hurt and harm they inflict? The whole thing is insane. I went from someone who thought I had a good marriage to someone who doesn't know which way is up?

quakermom,<BR>I see it as a good sign that your H is home right now. You need to continue on your best Plan A and avoid all LB's. I don't agree with your counselor's suggestion that you have one foot in and one foot out the door. I understand that that MIGHT lessen some of the hurt but the truth is that pain is pain. I think that you need to put both feet in the marriage and fight to save it. The real issue is that your H still has contact with the OW at work. If he really wants to work on your marriage, then he needs to change jobs and get away from this OW. It doesn't sound like your H has been able to make that committment yet. He probably feels a tremendous amount of guilt over this young OW being pregnant. I would bet that she is very needy and lays on the guilt when she sees him at work. My H tried to give the same BS about supporting the OW while she was pregnant. You have to stand up for yourself and let him that that hurts you. That might be considered an LB by him, but I believe that he needs to know how you feel. <P>I will keep you in my thoughts.<BR>Best wishes,<BR>Audrey

I agree with Audrey. You shouldn't have one foot in and one foot out. I am in a similar situation and sometimes I think it's harder for me because I'm still not sure what I want to do. Leave or stay. I keep waiting for some sign to tell me to leave or a sign to tell me to stay. The truth is I need to come to terms with either decision and go with it whole heartedly (sp?). <P>Until I make that committement we can not start recovery. Your husband is with you. My husband is too. I think the way my H feels and could be the same for yours is that they feel guilty to say they don't want to have anything to do with this baby. It's their child. It's an innocent baby. One that they could quite possibly have a close relationship with. So they don't want to make any decisions or statements that would cause any more guilt in the future.<P>I also agree that your H needs to change jobs immediately. Or locations. Whatever is necessary to eliminate ALL contact. <P>I'm sorry you're in this situation. As we all are. I wonder are all those women who don't believe in abortion out there looking for married men? Makes me ashamed to be a women. <P>I hope things work out for you. Be strong. There are many wonderful people here. Use them for support and strength. Keep us posted. Take CAre. Laura

Thankyou Audrey for your reply. I think it is a good sign that my husband is home also and I also agree that I can only behave as if this is going to work. I can't act as if I have one foot in the door or out because that is not what I want. I can not get my husband to leave his job - no way, no how. His occupation has been a sore point for him for a long time. He left a job he loved to take this one which had more security a few years ago and even though I thought it was a mutual plan. It turns out he has resented and blamed me for that for many years (one of our difficulties to work out in therapy I guess). He tells me that he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be but confesses to others(his sister, my sister) that he still feels conflicted and confused. He does have a lot of guilt but he is also not focusing on what he and I need. I think if I try to be positive, not love bust, be supportive etc. he will come around. We are both in our 40's and got married early(19, 21). I think he is having a major life crisis. He doesn't seem to be able to think logically about the consequences of his actions but then again maybe he has because he has come home. Am I pushing things to hard to want to feel renewed passion on his part? I want him to give me lots of affection and reassurances and he acts slightly cool. Everyone says to give him space. I have been giving him space and am starting to feel resentful. I have been so good about everything because I can look at the big picture. I can't throw away 23 years of being an excellent husband and father for 3 months of a mistake even though it has tragic consequences. I am very confused and crazed on the inside but being wonderful on the outside. Thankyou again I love positive feedback.

thankyou Lostsoulmate - the biggest problem I have is that he refuses to leave his job transfer or anything to that respect. he says this girl will be transfered (maybe) at the end of the summer. If I insisted that would be the end of our recovery for sure. What do I do?

I think right now just give it until the end of the summer. It's actually not that far away. Although with all the pain it feels like 3 years instead of 3 months. Continue with Plan A agressively. He is with you for a reason. Ask him to read this book. Ask him to share with you all communication he has with OW. Plan dates, talk time, intimate time everything. The cloud will clear and he won't be so confused. At one point during my H affair he had been comparing me to OW. He was angry for me for who I had become. Now he's comparing her to me. Yeah!<P>Do this. It's hard. But everyone here will support you.<P>Cross the bridge of your H and OW working together past the summer when you come to it. Concentrate now on Plan A and starting to repair your marriage. I will be thinking of you. Keep us posted. Take Care. Laura

QM321, sounds like you are doing the right thing. Try not to focus on his actions because he is messed up & doesn't know what he is doing. There is no way for you to take his actions & read them into much of anything. At this point I am sure he doesn't even know the truth. I know my H had lied so much to himself that he beleived his own lies. Once my Plan A actions started to disprove all he had built up in his head, well then he started to see a little clearer, but it was slow. I recall sending him a note telling him how I understood how difficult all this must be on him & how hard it must be to pull away from something that obviously made him feel good. He called & thanked me. Guess we had more of an "understanding" than he had been telling the OW. <P>Anyway, Plan A is for you. Let go of any emotions that do not serve you in a positive way. I refuse to poison my soul with thoughts of her and trying to read stuff out of his actions. I slip on occasion, but it is easier & easier to do. And my H finds me more of the person he wants to be with. The OW has issues. I don't. Ha! What comes around goes around. Don't allow this to take a toll on you. Take walks, clean a room, do something to push this stuff out of your head. Live in the here and now. And that may be hourly, but do it. Worrying over tomorrow is not what God told any of us to do. All you can do is handle it slowly. I bet it will work better than trying to get H to talk about the future. And you know what... the minute you quit wanting to discuss, I bet he finds more interest in discussing. I may be wrong, but it works with my H. <P>I will pray that he regains sanity. Keep yours! The biggest threat to your marriage is NOT this girl, it is how you & your H handle your marriage. I refuse to think that this OW has ANY control over my life. The LAST thing she will get is my peace of mind & happiness. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Quakermom321<P>Hi! I agree with the others. You are definitely in Plan A. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. First of all my H had an EA with a coworker ( his supervisor). My H and I are also in our 40's. Leaving the job was a no no. He just was not going to do that. Also, my H came out and told me he was confused. What did I do? Prayed and prayed some more. The company closed the area where the two were - hence, H was out of a job and forced to find another one.<BR>I don't think my counselor would have given you the advice your counselor is giving. He asked me what did I want from my H. I told him love. He then advised me to give it (love) to my H. My counselor never mentioned the name Dr. Harley, but he seemed to encourage Harley's principles. He also tried to bring out what could have been missing in our marriage. (unmet emotional needs)<BR>I know from experience that it's difficult to not LB when our significant other is distant. From time to time I did it anyway. (I don't advise it. It sometimes put us 2 steps back.) I let him know that his major obligation was to me - not the OC, although I didn't nag him about it. He heard that from the counselor also. One day H wasn't confused anymore. Like your H, my H felt bad about the OC.<BR>Question - Is your H in counseling also?<BR>Advice - 1) Try not to LB. I know it's hard.<BR> 2) Pray<BR>