Well - the infamous 12-1 lunch hour of the OW has come to haunt me again. I think I have too much intuition for my own good! I know, Catnip, and others you told me to make lunch dates during that time- etc. I was actually okay today - until my H starts calling me around the noon hour and making me suspicious. It's as if he's making sure I'm "put". So, he eats a couple of biscuits at 9:00 (he calls me) he works outside and it being 95 deg. with 100% humidity - I know that he won't eat lunch at Noon (he doesn't eat that much during the summer)- nonetheless, he calls me at 12 something - and he is in the drive thru at Arby's he tells me (they're taking a break) etc. and he just has this funny tone to his voice. I leave for lunch and start thinking "hm - wonder why he would AGAIN so soon. So I stop and call him - and he is obviously somewhere quiet - not out mowing or around equipment." Then he says - I just got a roastbeef sandwich - I only ate 1 of my biscuits today - I threw the other one away.' Then he says - I need to tell my guys something before I go to my 1:00 appt. So I said "go ahead" he hangs up on me! Normally he would just yell out the window or tell me to hang on a minute and then he would yell "finish up and then go to lunch" or whatever instructions he had. So after he hangs up on me I call him back. And then he starts calling me names "you stupid b*&^% I'm not starting this stuff today - and he hangs up on me again" Further enforcement that he is "with her". But before that he says - you knew where I was working - if you don't believe something - you should simply come over where I am! So after he hangs up on me the 2d time - I think - sure, why not - let me drive that way where he's working. Imagine who I see driving back from that area to her job - you guessed it the OW. I follow her to her office and she pulls in and I whip up right behind her. I walk up to her and ask her if she had a good lunch at Arby's? She says, Um, I went to the bank and that's it - do you want to see my receipt. We had chatter (meaningless) and I left. Then I go to where my H was working- and he "claimed" that he had already finished that yard - and it wasn't - and then something made me go to Arby's. I went in and spoke with the drivethru girl and asked her if she remembers seeing him, described his truck, him, etc. and she said she remembered him and he was on the phone too (which he was, to me) and then I asked if he was alone- and she said "no, a blonde girl was in there too." And she described that they weren't sitting close - but there was a thing between them. I am just about to have a nervous breakdown. I stopped at the payphone and cussed him out good and then he shows up at my office - that he hasn't seen her hasn't talked to her - The girl at Arby's is crazy - I could go to the nursery, etc. etc. and several people could confirm that no one was with him, etc. etc. <BR>Guys - I'm losing it - I told him - forget it - it's over - I want all his stuff out for good - and for him not to call me period! He has called me about 5 times after leaving my office and is telling me that he called her to see what she was doing at lunch - and he said "she can tell you where she was at lunch and she can verify that we weren't together - and then he says, and after she does confirm that - don't call me.! and hung up - Guys - am I dealing with a psychopath?<P>I know he is lying - but there is this little little bitty flicker of me that says "I want it to be true", but I know it's not. Please help me - I know I should stick to getting rid of him - even if for a super strong plan B - PLEASE HELP me - I'm hyperventilating as I'm typing this.<P>------------------<BR>

Please help me - where is everyone?<P>------------------<BR>

DaycareD,<BR> First and foremost, a hug for you....<BR>I don't really know your story, just thought I would respond to you. <BR> Sounds like your H was busted big time, and he doesn't like it. <BR> For now, you need to calm yourself. I know, easier said than done. You have let him know that you're not an idiot. You know the score, and he is backpeddling for all he's worth.<BR> Now, put on relaxing (not sad!) music... go pot some plants, scrub walls, surf a stupid site, anything that is a little mindless. <BR> I hope someone that knows your story posts soon...((((((((Daycare)))))))))<BR> Mynabird

DD,<BR> Okay, I just went and read your last post... are you in plan A? If so, how long? When was D-day?<BR> I liked Catnip's advice about that tape w/ the song "I Am Woman", love it! <BR> Your H is doing all the jerky things that WS's do. Perhaps it is time for plan B? He needs to know what life is without you. After so many years together, it wouldn't be easy for him. I would almost guarantee it. <BR> Are you still here?<BR> Mynabird

DD, <BR> I just went and read all of your posts on this board... the man is torturing you, plain and simple. Tell him to hit the road and do Plan B! <BR> You have to rebuild your self-worth and esteem. No more letting him brow-beat you! You said yourself in one post... you are a healthy, attractive woman. Now get out there and start growing. It's only up from here!<BR> It's always darkest before dawn.<BR> Mynabird

Mynabird - thanks - I didn't set the stupid thing so it would prompt me when I had a response - I feel so - so - I don't know - so DUMB. Although I know that I am right - I want to be wrong so badly - but you're right 14 years together - - is very hard to let go of (apparently easy for him). I'm just one of those fixers and want to fix everything - but I know I can't. God - I hate this - he was so sugary sweet to me this a.m. and telling me how "hot" I looked, etc. I truly truly hate him for keeping this charade of a life going. See - he thinks that I'm such a pushover - that I'll be running back to him - (ha) - he doesn't know how much hate I have built up within myself for him - after all these episodes - one after another - golly bum - thank you for at least responding - I'm hyperventilating and just freakin' out. My daughter will be devestated - she adores her father. Oh man - what weak weak men there are that cause such havoc to so many lives!<P>------------------<BR>

DD,<BR> Repeat after me, "I am not dumb." You are no more dumb than anyone else here who trusted and love(d) their spouses.<BR> Ppl who cheat are very narcissistic... they only care for their own wants and needs. They become strangers to us. They neglect their children, family, and friends. They can be capable of amazing cruelty. I honestly believe that they just shut down their consciences. <BR> My x absolutely blew me away with his antics. One day all sweet and lightness, the next day all he!! would break loose. Your H is much the same I suspect.<BR> After reading your posts, I feel that you really should go to Plan B. Do not allow him to put you in a bad place, emotionally, anymore than you have to. He has had his fun, now it is your turn. Start doing things for *you*.<BR> I feel that you are actually quite strong, just very, very hurt. And it is completely understandable. You will survive this, no matter what the outcome eventually shows to be... look around at all the other people that not only continue living, but also sometimes end up better off. The sun does not rise and set on his [censored] ('scuse the minor swear ). Let him know that you can do just fine without him. Plan B, my dear.<BR> Remember, no matter what the end turns out to be, you will live, and quite possibly flourish! You can handle life's curveballs.<BR> You are no longer a push-over!!!!!! You are a strong person ( have to be to take all the garbage he's been shoving down your throat!)<BR> Now, go buy that "I Am Woman" song. A little Aretha Franklin is good, too!<BR> Mynabird

Hi DD,<BR>I'm around today. I'm so sorry that your H continues to treat you this way. You will never be able to trust him with this sort of behavior. I do think that it is time for Plan B -- before your love bank becomes too empty. I know that you love him but I can see the love bank slowly being depleted. Yes, I know that a separation would be difficult for your daughter. But you also need to teach her that people should treat each other with respect. You need nurture yourself so that you can be a good parent and role model for her.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Daycare Disaster - hi, I am sorry you are going through so much. I am new to following MB methods but it def. sounds like it is time for Plan B even for you to get your self respect back. You shouldn't have to put up with this type of abuse and by following them and accusing them you are putting yourself in a bad position. Muster up your difnity and go for Plan B . I will pray for you.<P> Kris

Daycare, It's time to take care of you, and the marriage may or may not take care of yourself. Isn't it interesting that when our spouses cheat on us we begin to question our IQ, and our own personal worth. <BR> Do not let this happen to you. You do not need this sh...t and you do not need a man who will treat you so meanly. Start doing thins for yourself. Do not be available to him. Let him know, you might want to include him in your life, but until he can prove he is back on track with your relationship, he is not part of your life.<BR> Good luck, stay strong.

DD,<BR>How many years has he been lying to you? How long do you want you and your child to keep living with this stress? I know you love him and your daughter loves him, but who else is going to teach him that he shouldn't treat loved ones this way? <P>Sending guiding angels your way,<BR>Jenny

DD,<BR>I am truly sorry for all this disrespect. I too am relatively new but I think it is definitely time for Plan B. Your husband has to know to love you is to respect you. I know the feelings you must be going through and the intensity to which you feel them. DD what is meant to be will be and you must believe that. Take care of you and take care of your little girl. Remember to respect yourself, this situation is getting out of hand, you following her and asking the drive-thru girl of his whereabouts demeans your worth. I remember doing some things that demeaned my worth and its just well not worth it, your intuition was enough. Keep strong, treat yourself gently and pray fiercely. Sending you my support and prayers

All of this is taking so much toll on you, DD. YOU are the smart one, YOU are the faithful one, and you don't deserve your H's mistreatment of you any longer. Plan B would be so great for you to begin right about now. Your H is not putting your marriage nor the considerations of you and your daughter first and is major-league LB'ing. It's time to step back and regroup. Your intuition is telling you what to do. Listen to it closely.

DD,<P>First of all I am sorry that I didn't write yesterday when you really needed it. I agree with everyone, go to plan B. Save yourself and your child. He is just going to keep torturing you. I am sending you my prayers and hope that tomorrow will be better. <P>babstr.

Dear Daycare Disaster:<BR>I am so sorry I was not here to reply to you, but I am here now and I hope by now you are feeling better. First of all I think that HE is a JERK!, and he is for sure taking you for granted, and he thinks he can treat you anyway he want because you love him. Well, girl I think it is time to look deep inside your soul and remember the times when you were a self confident woman who would NEVER alow this type of treatment. I fhe is not being honest that is not your fault, and I think that the drive-thru girl has no reason to be lying, he does because he got caught and when cheaters get caught they get mad, because they think that they ARE SO SMART THAT THEY CAN NOT BE CAUGHT. Honey, he definitively thought you were a dummy and you proved him wrong so that is another reason why he is mad. And what type of woman can he be with that does not care if he is with you or not?, not to mention talking to you on the phone! You should also know that your daughter is suffering as well because she is observing. Don't let your H treat you that way. Plan B is a good option right now for you, I think you have done MUCH MORE than you anybody else would have and maybe this way if he is not part of your life maybe he will realize what a dummy he was, because you are a great person and you do not deserve to be treated that way. If he wants to be with the other women why doesn't he do so? Let her clean his clothes, and pick up after him, and let her be mistreated, you have an option and you may think your daughter will suffer but I know that in the long run she will thank you for showing her how a woman should be treated and for giving her all the self confidence that you showed her once.<BR>My prayers are for you! Hang in there!<BR>Fambis

Guys: Thanks so much - sorry for the desperation - but you're right Plan B is the only answer. I am over his games - seeing him sitting there "lying" to my face and just "seeing the smugness on her face" when she acted "as if" she was the one in control! ha - I'll show her. As Catnip said -"I am woman, hear me roar!" Just the whole thing has gotten to the vomit point for me. I've always heard that everyone has their limit - and even me - wow!!!!! That was an eye opening experience. I told him the way it would be - no communication from me - I would allow him to see our D whenver he had the time - but he would have no contact with me and would not be with me and would need to find somewhere else to live. He acted as if that was fine - he was tired of this "crap". I held strong - and he called me Monday evening 6 or 7 times - I never answered the phone. He didn't come home (thankfully) and then Tuesday a.m. he called and my D answered the phone and he asked for me - and I told her to talk to him - and I never did - finally me and my D left the house and when we got back from doing a little shopping - he was there - I told him to get whatever essentials he needed and hit the road - he begged I mean literally begged me to reconsider - I said no! He then was going to a cookout at his mothers and begged me to go - I had originally said that he couldn't see our daughter at all - but then I thought better of that and let him know that he could see her anytime it was convenient for me (I don't want him to think that I'm using her as a pawn to keep him with me) Apparently from what he said the OW uses that to hold over his head. He begged me to go wtih them and I wouldn't. He called me 20+ times and I never answered the phone. He is desperate!!!! <P>Ha - last night he begged me to let him stay - he said he loved me and couldn't stand to be without me - and I said "well, if that's the case - it won't be hard to get rid of her."<P>He then told me that it was him and she at Arby's that he had met her there to give her $65 for part of her daycare and she needed to put it in the bank - and that he talked to her for a couple minutes. He thinks that by telling me this (so called truth) that that cleanses him of everything. Like I really know that that is the truth - - We had an agreement for her to only call him at home and him to only talk to her when I'm around and that he needn't meet her for lunch or meet her at all to give her money - and He is not able to abide by that. Until he is able to abide by that - It's a no go - and I told him so - I feel like something has died inside me - yet I know I'm doing the right thing for me and my daughter. I love him - but I can't sacrifice myself any long for my love for him. <P>Thanks for the moral support - I'm' sure I'll need more - but I'm feeling in control right now!<P>------------------<BR>

Good for you!!!! You hang in there DD and stay strong!! <P>I'm so happy for you that you did not fall for his first and most common ploy. He seems to be in that cycle of abuse that (physical)beaters use: honey I didn't mean it/won't do it, relief, tension, more abuse... He needs to get to a special low place before he can own up and change, IF he can.<P>You GO GIRL!! I hope you've got lots of support; you're doing the right thing!

I agree with everyone. As usual. You are doing the right thing. You're H loves you and doesn't want to lose you then why is he treating you this way. He does love you but is blinded by this OW. By implementing Plan B you will force your H to see the true picture. You will force him to see that this OW isn't who he wants to be with and he has everything any man could hope for in you and your D. There is another man out there who would love to walk into your life and sweep you off your feet and take care of you and your little girl. Let him find you. Who knows...maybe it will end up to be your H again. That's my dream. Stay strong. We are all praying for you. LSM

congratulations!! you are being so strong. i am proud of you. it takes a lot to do what you are doing. and i think you will end up with more respect for yourself!! i just wanted to send you my thoughts and prayers!! take care DD!!<P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

DEAR DD:<BR>Hang in there! Don't let him in so fast. <BR>I understand that you love him and I understand that he loves but look at it this way, DON'T SPOIL HIM. First of all he needs to understand that is the LIES and the way he talks to you that has to stop. Who cares if he was only giving her money, the point is that he is STILL LYING TO YOU. He lied to you when he had promised not to lie to you. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT. The other very important reason not to let him in so fast is because he will never know what is it like without you and your D. He needs to see the emptiness and needs to understand that he is nothing without you. But he will only understand that unless you are not available at his needs. About the OW do not even worry anout her, if she has not been able to get him, she will never do so, you keep on been strong! You will see patience and strenght and ask god to help you to give you the strenght and wisdom to know what is right for you and your daughter.