<BR>You may not now the history in my situation, I will fill you in...My H informed me on June 9,2000 that he had been having an affair with a coworker and that they were having a baby together, that day. He left that day and moved in with her. The OW is very demanding of him...she is trying to prevent him from having a relationship with our children, in the month that he has been gone, he has seen them 3 times...Constantly asking for overnight visits (mind you, he is living with the OW) , until today I had been saying no; absolutely not, and we continued to argue about it...I'm tired of argueing. My daughter, 5, is very confused and she blames me for her father not being in the house. I have tried to explain it to her, but how much can you say to a 5 year old without destroying that precious relationship between a father and daughter...I'm trying to nurture that relationship, afterall, I was the product of divorce and didnt have a relationship with my father...no matter what he has done to me, he hasnt done it to her...by the way, I also have a son, 3, but he is completely oblivious to the whole thing, could care less, he has his mommie.<BR>Anyway, I showed my H today that I am loving and nurturing and that I do still love him...I even told him how much I still love him, this is the first time that I have been able to express my feelings to him since he left...amazingly enough, I'm not angry yet (I'm told it will come), Im just very sad and lonely...I think he is beginning to see what he has lost, he sat down and talked to me about my feelings, and his for about an hour this evening. He said he will always love me when I asked if he still loved me, Is that just a cop out? When I asked how he felt about her, he said he felt trapped, he cant leave her because of their new baby, but he cant come home yet, he wanted to know how I could ever trust him again when I already had trust issues before this...I told him that I am working on that, that is why I am going to counseling...I think things went well, and I have a better feeling about things now..I still didnt get all of my questions answered, but I am getting there, I think if I can get him to open up the lines of communication again, then we can move on and try and work things out...Please provide some input...I have already accepted his child, I know this child is innocent and I wont hold anything against the baby, so I can get past that, now...It's just dealing with the OW...he may be staying with her right now, but I believe I still have one thing on my side, we are still married and he said he does care about our marriage and doesnt know about divorce...he still has a lot of things to figure out...I dont know what to make of it...Please help shed some light on these new developements...I let him have the kids overnight, but only because they need him and to show him good faith and that I am a changed person...and that I still love him and I acknowledge the important relationship that he and our children have to have...

dear aloneandsad,<P>i don't know much so i don't have any good advice to give. just writing to tell you that i am behind you and that you aren't alone. i think that you are a very loving person, it is obvious from all that you have said. if you feel that your marriage can be salvaged, by all means go for it. and i admire you for being able to accept the OC. i can't do that, don't want to. you have children involved and that makes things even harder. so, follow your heart, but also know when to stop. otherwise you will just prolong the pain you are in. sorry you are in this situation. but take care and you are in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

Stay strong and keep up what you are doing within your relationship. In the meantime, see a lawyer, find one WHO WILL FIGHT FOR YOU, and explore all of your options. If you want to salvage your marriage you want to try to prevent him from forcing a divorce upon you. As long as you are married you do have the upper hand. As long as you are married, the OW has no status except that. This puts her under pressure. Pressure sounds like it makes her unlikeable; you stay cool and she blows it. I found that you keep reminding him, that if he still loves you, the two of you still have a solid basis for marriage, and does he truly want another man to raise his son and dau of your marriage. The odds are good you will not spend the rest of your life alone if he leaves you. Is that what he truly wants? Even evoke a little sexual heat here, suggest fantasy of you with another man, he is truly ready to face the future of YOU with another man, where he has been <BR>intimately? Then remind him that he IS the man you want, right, and you would like to work things out, even include his child by the OC if that is what he wants.<BR> I would have reservations about my children spending time with a woman who gets involved with a married man. Ask him if he could spend nights in your home to have the time with the children. He could sleep on the couch, guest room or whatever. Then he can see his children in an environment you are comfortable with. That also gives you time with him, hopefully funtime and puts on edge, maybe makes her a little witchy. That would certainly help your cause.<BR> Finally, if you do ever separate, insist on as much money as you want to exist on if you divorce, becauses will look at the separation financials when settling things later. I hope it will not get that far, but you should always prepare for the worst, and hope/pray for the best. Good luck, TG

I second all that Texasgirl said. Discuss the fact that you will be raising those kids without him and/or with the next fellow in your life. Talk to lawyer & find out what you should be doing legally (this is also to protect your kids), and do not allow him to take your children around this woman. He can come home for a night or take them to some other place. But it is immoral for those kids to be staying with him & her as they shack up & play house. Very conflicting message to kids. Ask him why he would want to confuse them that way & that basically he will be telling his daughter that when she is grown she can behave that way. <P>Is he feeling black-mailed by this co=worker? Is their A public knowledge where they work?<P>Hang tough & keep open to rebuilding. PLan A all you can. Carolyn

Well I can tell you is that the best way to try to save your marriage is to stay calm, be patient and loving which you already are. You need to let him realize what a wonderful person you are and how much he misses you. I do agree with the fact that your children should NOT by any means go to that other house. He needs to understand this. You need to ask God to give you strenght and to give you the Wisdom to know what is right for you and your children. But I think you are on the right way, have you asked him if he would like to go to counseling together? Maybe he will, maybe he is not with you because he fears rejection and he feels guilty. You need to be a mature woman and the "good woman here" let the OW be the witch, but you also need to set your limits with him. I also agree that you should go and speak with your lawyer and find out what are your rights are as a wife and how to protect your children from this. I also think that if he realized how bad financially he would be if he divorces you, he would probably reconsider...belive me! He probably has no idea how much Child support and alimony he is going to have to pocket out every month just to be with the OW, and I don't think this OW has any idea of it either, so just be patient, get some legal counsel just so you know were you stand and he knows you are no dummy and I think that may help.<BR>I will pray for you!

Thank You all for your replies. My H is finally seeing the light. He finally told me that he is sorry for what he did to me and our family. He has told his mother that he does not love this woman, and that he feels trapped by her. I let him go and I let him feel what he needs to feel and experience. The OW is not, she is trying to keep him away from our children because she knows if he is around them, he will know what he is missing. We told each other Saturday, for the first time in a month, that we still love each other. I said it first, but he did say it back. After all that has been said and done, I think we still have a deep affection for each other. I have even told him that I would be willing to help him with the new baby. I am trying to be the grown up here. Someone has to...she certainly isnt. She treats me like I am the bad person, I have been trying not to call her names and I have been hoping and praying that he will see her for the deceitful person that she really is. I have talked to my attorney and we filed the papers Friday...he is due to be served any day with the Legal Separation/Child Custody & Support papers any day now. I dont think he will fully understand the extent of how much he will be paying me every month until we go to court---30 days from the date he is served. I have tried to be extremely liberal with visitation...I even offered to keep the baby while he spent time with our children, but he said the OW wouldnt allow it...she really needs to get over herself because whether she or I like it, because of the 3 children involved, we are forever intertwined. I gave him a letter to read to express all of the feelings that I was unable to put into words when we were speaking. I gave him the letter yesterday, but as of this afternoon when I spoke with him, he hadnt read it...Does this mean that he doesnt care enough to read it? I feel confident that he will come around, it is just going to take some time...I have several things on my side that she doesnt have...#1.) I have an education, #2.) I have his son and his first born, #3.) I have his name and a marriage licence, #4.) I have GOD on my side...even though my H committed adultery--and that gives me every right to divorce him (says the Bible), I fully believe that GOD would rather me work on my marriage than let it fail...I am the most committed woman he will ever find...I even told him that I acknowledge my part in the demise of our marriage..He said he was depressed...well, I was working so much, then coming home and taking care of the children, I missed it...I completely missed it...I dont blame myself for his mistakes by any means, however, I do acknowledge that I should have been there for him and I wasnt, so he turned to another woman. I dont know if she is blackmailing him or not for sexual harrassment or not, but if she is, she doesnt have a case..She consented, then had the baby, If it was sexual harrassment, she would have had an abortion. She planned this...fully and completely. She is nothing but a Professional Homewrecker...this is the 3rd child by 3 different men, ALL married...I am doing very well, if it wasnt for GOD, I dont know where I would be...He has walked beside me and held my hand through it all, and I believe that he is leading me and my H back together...I have suggested counseling, but he swears it wont work, however, I am living proof that It does. I go to therapy with a Psychologist every week, I have a counselor from the church come by and work with me and the children...so I am on the road to recovery...All I have to do is convince him that I have forgiven him (which I have) and that with the help from the church and God, I can learn to trust him again. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers...<BR>Aloneandsad<P>------------------<BR>