<BR>A little history before I tell you the most recent devolpements..My H had an affair with a coworker and they had a baby together on June 9. Since then, up until this past weekend, we hadnt really spoken unless it was about our children, 6 and 3 year olds. Last weekend we finally sat down and talked about us, the future, how he felt and how I feel...He and I both said that we love each other, he says he's confused. I have been to counseling, both through church and through a regular therapist...I am working through my pain. He is still living with the other woman and their new baby, and her other child by another married man. I had some hope of reconciling my marriage..but today, I think he shot them all down. I sat down on Sunday, after church, and wrote him a letter, telling him everything, and opening my heart up for being completely and totally crushed and stomped on again. I told him that I am willing to forgive and trying to forgive, I also told him that I accept the baby and would love it as well because I love him, I told him that I accept my responsiblity in my role in the demise of our relationship by not being there for him and I was sorry. Well, tonight, he came for a visit with our children, and brought her and her 2 chilren, playing house and one big happy family going to see friends that we used to have and going to places that we used to go..I had planned on talking to him again, but he sent his parents to bring our children home...I was distrought. I still am..He told his mother that he doesnt know what he wants, that he is confused more now than ever, but then he goes to see our friend and this friend says that he seems happy, happier than he's seen him in a long time. This upset me even more, so I called his mom and asked her to call him at the OW house and tell him to call me...so he did, I got him on the phone and asked if he had read the letter, he said yes, but he couldnt talk about it...She was in the room, then I asked him to just answer yes or no..So, I asked him if I should just forget our marriage, file for the divorce and move on with my life, he said he didnt know...What does this mean..Please help, now I am confused and dont know what to do...

Dear aloneandsad:<BR>It seems like your H is not trying as hard as you are and that is killing you. Your heart will tell you what to do just follow your insticts. What does your therapist say about this? My only concern is that your H is all rumbled up in his own world that he does not care about anybody elses world including yours. I know this is going to sound not so good but maybe you should make him miss you and your family, if he sees you all the time and your children then he does not know what is he missing don't you think? I don't think is fair that he is with OW and OC while you are trying to work things out and I do not think is fair that he is just leading you "on" just in case it does not work out with the OW. If I was you like I said I would follow my Heart he knows what you should do. Listen to your heart do not ignore it, be your best friend ask yourself if you had a baby sister and she came for advice what would you say to her?<BR>I will be praying for you!

aloneandsad,<P>I know this might not be what you want to hear, but I am worried about you. You need to start thinking of yourself and your family. You are letting him hurt you over and over. Why would you ever allow that woman to come into your house. It sounds like they are going to incorporate your children into their lives and leave you in the dust. That is pretty bold for a OW to come to the wife's home to get the children, with her own children. If she felt comfortable to do that, than I would assume your H is telling her that he is with her. If she truly thought there was a chance for the two of you to work out, she would never come to your home. Think of your children and yourself, first, him second. Otherwise he will just keep messing with your head. <P>Have you spoken to a lawyer? You need to see your options. This sounds mean, but maybe he is leading you on, so that you won't go to a lawyer, or move to get a divorce. Everytime he says, I don't know, then he knows that you are not going to do anything. You need to take control of your life! I wish I could be there for support, and walk you through the difficult steps you are going to have to take. Please consider this, I know it is painful. But everything that you have told us over the past few months, tells me that you are the one who is still being used. Only you can control how long he is going to take advantage of you. Step up to the plate, make him see that you won't be walked on. I am not saying you have to be mean, just take control of your life. Talk to a lawyer, don't allow the OW in your home. He needs to work out scheduled visits with the children. Do you want your children around her? You can request through a lawyer that she can't be around during visits. <P>I just want you to think everything out. I know that you love your husband, that is obvious. But you also don't want to wait for someone who is using you and pulling you along. I think he will always love you. But are you in the future or the past. He is living with her, and taking her to your friends homes, that really makes me think. You can make it without him. I know right now it doesn't seem like it. I am all for trying to work out the marriage. But if you are the only one working, and he isn't even living with you, that is not both of you working on it. I am curious too what your counselor says. I hope that you haven't taken my comments as being hurtful. But we are all here to support you. I don't want you to be hurt over and over again. I am sending you my prayers, and hugs. I am thinking of you. Please keep you chin up!<P>babstr.<p>[This message has been edited by babstr (edited July 13, 2000).]

I am in agreement with Babstr. YOu need to try & protect yourself & your children. Plan B. That may be hard for you to do, but as long as he thinks he can stay in both camps, he will. And she isn't going to throw him out. You need to file for legal seperation & get CS for your family. Make it clear to him that you are willing to discuss things, but you have to take these steps to protect your children. Please don't allow him to take you peace of mind along with all else that he has done. Remind him that you do not want a different father for your children, but he is making that choice to step out of their lives. Even if you file seperation or divorce it doesn't mean all is over. I filed for divorce the week I found out about A. Since then we have worked a lot of things out. It may have actually been an eye-opener for my H to see those papers. Anyway.. I have a year to finish process & then can request extension.<P>I will be thinking & praying for you. Carolyn

Thank You for your replies, I have an attorney, even though I would like to work things out, he is due to be served the legal separation, child custody & support papers by tomorrow...as of today, I dont think he was served yet, though. I signed the papers last Friday. I have taken steps to protect us...I am not as nieve as I may portray myself to be...I am working on trying to bring my H back home, but on the other hand, in case he doesnt, I know that we are protected by alimony & child support. I have also filed papers against the OW for Alienation of Affection. <BR>I spoke with my H today and he told me that the reason he brought her is that she was demanding it...She found my letter and wants to make sure that we dont hook up. He is moving out of her home this week and leaving his job...so he says, he told his mom that he was moving in with her if she and his father would allow it...She said ok, but his father said no. His father is very angry with him. He then stated that he would live with his friend, that he introduced the OW to yesterday...which is closer to us. I will not see him or talk to him for 2 weeks because I am going home to visit my family...so that may be a positive...He asked me not to go because he is afraid I will stay. I told him that is always a possibility. I dont know what has happened with he and the OW to make him leave, but he is leaving...My daughter said on their visit yesterday, all they did was argue. I told my H to work out his feelings, take his time, but in the meantime, the only contact we will have is on the phone discussing visitation...which isnt even an issue because he is working 3 jobs to pay child support for my 2 and her 1, so he doesnt have much time for himself, let alone, anyone else. I am not diluting myself into thinking that he may be wanting to come home to save himself 650 a month in child support to me plus another 225 in alimony..I told him that if I did let him back home, which I am not saying I am, that he and I would have to start all over from the beginning, no sex, no living together, just like 8 years ago...I know it will be a rough road ahead, however, I am strong and I know that I will withstand this storm...<BR>As to my counselor, I havent spoken to her yet since the mind games began. I have an appointment tomorrow, so that should help. My stephen minister from church told me to stand my ground and pray about it, which I am doing a lot of. I think GOD has become my best friend through it all, because I can talk to him any time of the day and no matter what I say or do, he doesnt ridicule me for wanting to make my marriage work and he doesnt say I told you so like my family or friends. I think all of this has made me a much stronger Christian, if only I could get my H in church...I think that would help..maybe when he is served the papers, it will be an eye-opener for him as well. Thanks again.<BR>AloneandSad<P>------------------<BR>

aloneandsad,<P>I hope that you didn't think I was being harsh, just concerned. I feel better knowing that you have already taken care of everything. I don't think you are nieve, just hurt and in pain. I think the break will do you some good. Get away and try to have a good trip. I hope that your h follows through with his decision to leave her. I am praying for you. <P>babstr.

babstr,<BR>I didnt think you were being harsh at all. I know everyone on here has been through a similar situation, so everyones imput is important. I know we are all concerned for each other and I think sometimes when I write on here, I dont portray the whole picture, because I am usually writing with emotions and not my head. My emotions in the past 5 weeks have been on a rollarcoaster. I think they are under control now. I'm not consistantly crying all of the time...believe it or not; I do have some very good days. Im just taking it all one day at a time. I know that I dont have to make a decision today, tomorrow or even next week where my marriage is concerned, because I cannot even start the paperwork for divorce until June 11, 2001...so I have a lot of sorting out to do. Sometimes, Im not even sure that I want my marriage, I falter back and forth...On one hand, I love him with all of my heart and want him around, but on the other hand, I am enjoying my new found freedom--->MY new apartment, MY own bills (not so much fun, but I can do just fine without him-->actually, even better), MY own checking account...I can come and go as I please...There are some positives to being alone but really, if I think about it, I am never alone, I have my two beautiful children, and everytime I look at them, I can see the man that I married, not the man that he has become. I have never been on my own before, after graduating from high school, I went to college and lived with 4 roommates, then I came home when my grandfather got sick and lived with my grandmother, then I went from living with her to marrying my husband. I like my new found independance. I have been able to see how strong I really am, and have handled this much better than I or anyone else thought that I could. I have my moments of insanity though...at least once a day I do need a crying fit...and my emotions still are on a little rollarcoaster, but not as bad as before. Thank you again babystr, you have been a great help and inspiration these past few weeks and I am really glad that you have taken the time and energy to respond to me, and everyone who replies, I listen to and value their opions and judgement, and I think you have a lot to offer.

aloneandsad--<P>I have a different perspective to throw into the pile for your consideration...on how to handle things....<P>I strongly suggest you ask Lostva for advice, and read her previous posts. While separated, she utilized Plan A beautifully. Her H moved in with OW and her small child, and though this child wasn't his he virtually took over her care. He brought OW and her child into his family and friend fold. So, somewhat similar circumstances. You may be able to adopt some of her admirably executed techniques, and get your H back home where he belongs! <P>By all means, protect yourself legally. AND, especially since your H is admitting confusion and love for you, try to always provide him with a safe, caring refuge from all his stresses. To deny him is to drive him away further, but to demonstrate love is to attract him. Your OW is exhibiting signs of control and discontent with the situation. That's why I think emulating Lostva's Plan A WILL work for you, if getting your H back home is what you want....<P>Best wishes.<P>Laura