Hello Everyone,<P>Do you have any ideas on coping with<BR>living so close to OW/OC?<BR>They live just minutes down the road<BR>and I have to pass her place when I <BR>go almost everywhere. I get so mad <BR>and sick and then tend to take it out<BR>on my H. I know the best thing to do<BR>is concentrate on my family. I was<BR>just wondering if anyone else had a<BR>similar situation and how they deal <BR>with it. OW never went thru w/ DNA<BR>test so all my questions are still up<BR>in the air. Everyday I want to scream<BR>at her for being so cruel. We can't <BR>pack up and move any time soon so I<BR>hope there's a way to live here peacefully<BR>for our children's sake.

Fluke, OW in my case lives minutes also. I could get to her house in 5 minutes. OC is due in February so I can't say how hard this will be for me. I can only imagine.<P>The good news for you is that there must be a reason this woman is denying a DNA. You should order one via the court system. If there is any chance in hell this baby isn't your H you should put your mind at ease. Have you ever considered moving? I know it's a big step and most of us unfortuneatly can't affor to just do that. But it would be the best solution. I hope you're doing well. I'm thinking of you. I too have to drive by this street everyday I pick my daughter up. I'm sorry. This is such a sad situation and we do not deserve this.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Dear Lostsoulmate,<P>Thanks for your reply. I've been so busy<BR>with the kids. My D had Hand,foot,mouth<BR>virus - it is a horrible viurs that causes<BR>them alot of pain. Luckily my littlest one<BR>didnt get it. <BR>I've been having a hard time adjusting to<BR>our situation. The lawyer told me to do<BR>nothing w/ OW because she is married and<BR>the law is in our favor. That's good news<BR>I know but morally and mentally it's taking<BR>a toll on me. My H just wants to work on our<BR>family. He wants to put the past behind him.<BR>But for me its all new and disheartening.<BR>I know it could be so much worse. I try to<BR>look at all the positive aspects. Some days<BR>are easier than others. <BR>I will pray for your situation too. At least<BR>we know we are not alone. I can't tell you <BR>how much comfort I get from this forum.<BR>Thank you again for taking the time to reply<BR>I hope all is well with you. You sound like<BR>a great person!!

Yes, ow/oc lives maybe 10 minutes from us.. and she works in the deli of the grocery store I shop in. We seriously talked about moving to FL just to get away from her but I decided I was not going to uproot my children, leave my family all because of something stupid my H did. I wish a million times over she was in another state like it seems alot of OW are (for others on this board I mean). But, I guess I will just have to deal with it. Its hard and it contributes to alot of my mood swings but what can you do?<P>Keep your head high a smile on your face and keep telling yourself "I dont care, I dont care I dont care"<P>Eventually I think you will start to believe it. <P>I dont yet but I am still hopeful!! :><P>Good Luck!

fluke, I'm doing OK. Feeling better and better as each day I realize more and more that I am above this whole mess.<P>I was the best wife/partner I could be. Didn't always make the best decisions and built up emotions that weren't healthy for me but I never gave up on my marriage/relationship. I had plenty of chances to have an A but never did. Why? Because I had too much admiration, respect, love and protection for my H.<P>So when I feel horrible each day driving past her street or wondering if I'll ever run into her on the streets I just remind myself that I wasn't the one who created this mess and sure am not the one who is going to beat herself up about it.<P>At any point in my life I can walk away from it all. I will not be used (as OW was allowering herself to be) and I will not be made the fool. I can walk away. They can't. So good luck to them. If things work out with my H and I, then I'll live life to it's fullest. If they don't I'll still do so. <P>Sorry to ramble fluke. Just want you to feel better and know that you don't deserve any of this and shouldn't allow yourself to feel so bad when having to drive by her street. I usually play a really up beat and make me feel good song as loud as I can as I drive by.<P>How are things going with you? I hope well. Talk to you soon. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"<P>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited September 14, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited September 14, 2000).]

Lostsoulmate:<P>When you "run into her on the streets", just back up and run into her again. Meow.<BR>Sorry. <P>I'm lucky (if I can call myself 'lucky') as the OW lives about 1800 miles away. The drawback is that I live in Minnesota, court is in NY and so is OW/OC and the upcoming lawsuit will be in Texas. So, the dollars spent in plane fare, hotels, cabs, meals and miscellaneous, add up. Add that to the ridiculous support order and some of the other horrors and we're talking bankruptcy.<P>It would be nice if we all had the means to move to another location, pay the OW off and never have to deal with this again, but, in your situations, having to see her around and about must be tough. I know I wouldn't like that either, unless of course she gained another 50 pounds and grew a huge wart on the end of her nose.<P>I just don't know which is worse...all the scenarios are difficult and ugly. I'm so sorry you have to deal with her presence at all.<P>Catnip =^^=

Good one Catnip. I love it. Actually even if I did run into her I wouldn't know it. As I've never seen her before. I'd like to at least see what she looks like. I have an idea of what her car looks like. My H drove me past her house because I wanted to know where she lived.<P>You're right. You are lucky on one hand and not on the other. Having to travel like that would make me nuts. Yes having her so close makes me nuts too. Either way it sucks. My H and I had been talking about moving to Arizona (from California) for a long time now. Since before our D was born. I brought it up again now that this has happened. He said he would go. But he could change his tune once the baby is born. So I'm not making any moves until I know what life's going to be like once it's born. If he's serious about not wanting contact then I may just start my wheels turning.<P>Thanks for cheering me up. I finally had a meltdown last night and let out some of the tears that I've been trying to conceal. I feel better tonight. Hope you're doing well. Keep us updated on the lawsuit. You are definately an inspiration. Take Care Catnip. Oh one more thing. My H is absolutely CRAZY for the vikings. He has a Vikes Tattoo on his back. I'm talking completely devoted. So his b-day is coming up. Know where I could get our daughter a cute little cheerleading outfit? <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited September 14, 2000).]

Lostsoulmate:<P>Your husband is a Vikings fan?! Get out! Is he from here originally?<P>They had a couple really crappy years a few years ago...locals here were calling them the Vike-Queens. Ouch. That hurt. They've been looking pretty amazing the past couple years with Moss, now Culpepper. But, they never win the Superbowl-never! So frustrating.<P>There all kinds of Viking 'treats' at the Mall Of America. I'll see if I can find any mini-cheerleading outfits for your daughter...if you tell me she's a size 10, I'll know it's really for you and you just want to surprise your husband with some fantasy fun...hey! what a great idea, LSM.<P>It beats playing escaped convict and warden's wife! (not that we ever do, or anything) hahahahaha<P>Catnip =^^=

Little Bird,<BR>Thanks for your input. Thats a fear of mine-<BR>running into her in market, etc. Im afraid<BR>of seeing her little boy and knowing its my<BR>H. Right now its one day at a time. Hope all<BR>is good for you, as well as it can be under<BR>these circumstances! I'll think of you also<BR>when I have to drive by her place. Knowing<BR>there are people here who are going thru this<BR>and understand what is happening to me is a<BR>tremendous help. Have nice wkend.<P>Lsm,<BR>Thanks for checking in. I am getting by.<BR>One minute I feel strong and the next it <BR>dawns on me that MOST LIKELY that is my H<BR>son w/ that pig, and I cry. I hate her with<BR>a passion I wish I had for more constructive<BR>parts of my life. This takes alot of energy.<BR>Well hope you are well too. Take care.<P>Catnip,<BR>Is it my imagination or do you really not<BR>want to say anything to me? I realize all<BR>of our situations have differences but Ive<BR>gotten alot out of what you have written to<BR>others. I dont mean to offend or over react.<BR>Ive found this place to be a life saver.<BR>Hope all is well for you and good luck with <BR>your case.<BR>

Go Vikings !!!<P>I am sitting here in my Randy Moss Jersey at work.<P>You can get little cheerleading outfits at Target too, probably for alot cheaper than the Mall of America.<P>Let either Catnip or me know, I would be glad to help you out. Anything for a friend on this board and a Vikings fan. Both our little girls have Viking garb.<P>BTW, I am having a strong day for some reason, wish I could bottle up these days.<P>Carrie<BR>

Catnip, Carriemon, They only carry local teams here. My H isn't from Minnesota just LOVES the Vikes. He's from here in California.<P>Thank you both so much for offering to pick those up. I actually just ordered one on-line at the NFL website. About $28 so not a bad price. Now Catnip I never thought of one for me. What a great idea. Talk about Plan A. I could score a boatload of points for that one. Hmmm!!! Sorry fluke for taking over your post.<P>Me personally I'm an Eagles fan and chargers. Mostly eagles. I have family in PA but from CA. Well sorry again fluke. I don't want to bogart. Hope you all are doing well. These WS of ours are so lucky aren't they? I'm having a good day too. Let's all have the best weekend and hope we continue on this upward path. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Fluke, I am new here but like the rest of you on this board I live 3 houses away from the ow. She is married w/3 kids 1 of which is my husbands. He is a1yr. old. My dday was in may. The affair had been going on for 2yrs. I was devestated,had absoultely No idea. He has tuesdays off and that was when he saw her. I was at work. The thing is my h is insistant that the baby is his without proof of dna. He does not want to disrupt her life by having a test done. We are not sure if her husband thinks its his or not. She told my h that her h said when she got pregnant "it's not mine" and after he was born everyone said it didn't look like either of them. I have seen 2 pics of the baby and in the most recent he does resemble my son at that age. I have to deal with this and with seeing her walk by my house frequently w/ the baby in his carriage. Not only that but her other 2 kids are always out and yelling to her and I hear her constantly. My h has just signed up to work overtiime on Tues. because I seem to have a meltdown every tues.when I go to work. So he's trying to give me some peace of mind. I really appreciate it. There has been no contact w/ow since may. I just feel that my husband should insist on dna for his peace of mind. He says no he will just eventually get over it. He has strong feelings for the child. Any advice will be appreciated. I just wanted to share my story.<BR>We have been married 21 yrs and been together 28yr. have 2 children 18and 13. <BR>Its a tough road but we're going down it anyway.

Dear Petite45<P>Sorry to hear of your situation. I know it<BR>can be hell to live thru this, and the closer<BR>they are the harder it is to put out of your<BR>mind. I'm glad your H has been trying to<BR>ease your mind by working more on tuesdays.<BR>I have my meltdowns too. If there is any <BR>chance that the oc isnt your H, you should <BR>try for DNA. Also I guess you probally know<BR>about presumption of paterninty since she<BR>is married. Are you paying anything?<BR>I feel for you. Please know that you are not<BR>alone. Write back when you can and lets stay<BR>in touch. Having this place to come to when<BR>I am feeling so alone is a lifesaver.<BR>I wish I could be of more help to you. <BR>My DDay was June 28 of this year and Im still<BR>trying to understand it all. OC is also a <BR>little over one year old, OW also married.<BR>My H is trying to do everything he can to<BR>make up for this. It sounds as if your H is<BR>trying for you too. I hope he will come to<BR>terms with feelings for OC - its like being<BR>between a rock and a hard place. But the way<BR>I look at it is that OW are married with<BR>families of their own, let the OC be raised<BR>as close to normal as possible w/out the<BR>stigma of being an adulterine [censored]. WHat<BR>are these women thinking about telling these<BR>kids when they are older? Why cant they just<BR>work on their own marriages and families and<BR>let the past stay in the past. Please write <BR>again - I have 3 kids (2 are just babies) so<BR>I may not get a chance to get online as much<BR>as I need to but I'll check in when I can.<BR>The next time you see her walking the baby<BR>past your house just know that you have a <BR>friend in me - I understand what you are <BR>feeling. Keep your head up - you sound very<BR>strong. Take care and keep in touch.<P>fluke<BR>

Fluke, Thanks for the support. to answer your questions no we are not paying anything.We don't know if the ow's h knows about the affair or if the child is his. My problem is that my h has strong feelings for this child and would like to send it gifts for birthdays and holidays but does not want to disrupt the ow's life. I feel that he should not have these feelings if he does not know for sure if it is his child. I think he should insist on a DNA test. I am willing to accept the consequences if it is his.( child support and visitation) Our counselor said my h must come to a solution that he can live with. My h decided to do nothing and forget about it. I find this hard to believe because the affair went on for 9mos. after the child wAS born because my h said it was to difficult to leave because of the child. That's how attached he was. My h has 2 pics of the baby at work, and I feel if he wants to really forget about it and move on he should get rid of the pics. If someone wants to forget about something why have memeories laying around?<BR>The only reason the affair ended is because I found out. I would appreciate any thoughts you might have on this issue. My h does not want to disrupt her life to put his mind at ease but she can show up 5yrs from now and demand a test and turn our lives upsidedown. Why should she have all the power? Thanks, hope your situation is getting better. It does take time, I am not as obsessed as I was. Its been 4mos since dday. I still have bad days and they are doozies when they hit. Hopefully that will get better too. Take care, I'm glad to have someone to discuss this with. Thanks for listening.

Hi Petite45<P>Well I have a chance to get back to you since<BR>both little ones are napping at the same <BR>time. Thats rare! My oldest just started K.<BR>I really should be doing laundry etc. but <BR>wanted to say Hi first. <BR>I cant even begin to understand how and why<BR>to deal with OC. I dont want to know the OC<BR>in our lives. We havent tested either but I<BR>did go to her w/ forms and she backed off.<BR>Everyone says thats good but I feel its just<BR>a matter of time. She wants the money she <BR>feels shes owed but doesnt want visitation.<BR>The only way I could care for this child if<BR>the test was + is if she was living on Mars.<BR>My H made the poor choice of taking her up on<BR>her offer of sex just 11/2 mos before he <BR>married me. Two wks before wedding she came<BR>back to annouce she's preg. What luck my H <BR>has and now its involved me. This is a hard<BR>lesson in forgiveness and "for better or <BR>worse". H prayed it was her H. Time passed <BR>til she came back. Now we are at a stand still.<BR>Didnt mean to go on about my sitation. I was<BR>checking in to see how you are. I commend<BR>you for accepting the child if test is +.<BR>Have you thought about how to explain to your<BR>children? Or do they know of the possiblility<BR>I understand what you mean about not wanting<BR>her to have all the power. If you truly cant<BR>live with not knowing then call a lawyer, see<BR>what your H rights are. Personally I want ow<BR>to raise her family w her H. Leave my family<BR>alone. Only if oc life was in danger would<BR>we take over. I dont wish ill will on any of<BR>these children. As far as protecting her, <BR>your H has misplaced his priorities. She has<BR>disturbed YOUR life. I understand that hes <BR>already bonded w/ child. But if child has <BR>also bonded w the other father - whats in the<BR>best interest for the child? Its a complex <BR>issue and I am overwhelmed by all of it.<BR>The past couple days havent been the best for<BR>me. I'll work on my positive outlook and get<BR>back to you. Hope this finds you in good <BR>spirit. Take Care.

HI Fluke,<BR>Sorry I haven't posted lately computer problems.I have some questions for you. You said the ow in your case wants money, does her h know that the child is not his?? Does he know about the affair? We are not sure if the ow's h knows anything in my case. I would love to tell him but what purpose would that serve? Just revenge!!! Some days I can aactually forget it happened other days I am consumed by it. Do you feel like this too? I am more concerned about my h getting involved again because of the child than wether or not it's his. I feel if he knew it wasn't his then I would feel safer.But what if it is his? I would feel safer because there would be no more lies and I would be involved in the process. Does that make sense?? Thanks for writing I gotta get ready for work. Hope you have a good day.<BR>Petite.

Hi Petite<P>I was hoping you were okay. <P>We dont give her anything because nothing has<BR>been proven. She told me her H knows the<BR>whole story, but I find that hard to believe.<BR>If he knew then why would he let her go to my<BR>H business two times wanting money. My H <BR>has hoped against hope this isnt his child.<BR>He doesnt believe it is, but of course the<BR>possibility is there! He feels the only kids<BR>he has are our kids. I came into the marriage<BR>with a 3 yr old, now 51/2. My H has been a<BR>wonderful stepfather and father. We got all<BR>the info for test and when I gave them to her<BR>she never mailed the consent form back.<BR>The last time we spoke she said forget it, <BR>its too much trouble. She didnt want us to<BR>have any visitation. Basically she was trying<BR>to have my H hand over money secretly. She is<BR>a real winner. So we are at a stand still.<BR>I think her H doesnt know the truth. I dont<BR>know what to do in this situation. All I know<BR>is that she kept coming to my H business with<BR>one excuse after another leading him on.<BR>And when I found out I was pregnant we knew<BR>we would marry faster than we had thought.<BR>I guess the pressure was too much for him <BR>because while I was home throwing up from<BR>morning sickness she went back one more time.<BR>This time she had on the least amount of <BR>clothes she could get away with and my H<BR>took her up on the offer right there in his<BR>dirty office. I could have walked in his shop<BR>at any minute - I still cant believe he did <BR>it. He let me believe for the past 2 years<BR>that our marriage was something it wasnt.<BR>When I met him I thought finally I've found<BR>my soulmate, the one person I can trust.<BR>He said all the right things. At first I was<BR>so upset about finding out - he told me when<BR>it looked like it would come out, that I <BR>almost could understand why he didnt say any<BR>thing. He just wanted us to be a happy <BR>family. Currently I'm going thru some anger<BR>towards him about keeping it from me, how<BR>many other things has he kept from me, etc...<BR>He swears this is it. So to answer your <BR>question - no money until dna is proven.<BR>Then H will pay cs. I dont know if I can ever<BR>let the child in my home. If its my H it was<BR>never meant to be. I feel the oc is better<BR>off growing up without the burden of how it<BR>came to be. I know its unrealistic that the<BR>truth will come out if its positive. We live<BR>close to her. Her extended family had been <BR>long time customers of my H. Right now we are<BR>just concentrating on us and the kids. We do<BR>alot together and spend every available <BR>moment together. <P>Yes there are days I can really enjoy w/out<BR>the pressure of this mess. I realize I need<BR>to get it together for my children, they are<BR>so young. They deserve a happy childhood.<BR>I dont want them to remember me as so sad.<BR>So thats pretty common to have a good day<BR>then several bad ones.You are not alone!<P>I understand your need to be completely <BR>involved in the process and you should be.<BR>I dont want the lies to haught us forever,<BR>either. We are in the same boat as far as<BR>not really knowing w/out the test. A part of<BR>me needs to know, the other part is horribly<BR>afraid of reading positive results in the<BR>mail. I come from a huge family (cousins)<BR>that all appear to have these wonderful<BR>marriages. I've always kind of been the <BR>outsider with them. I spent alot of years<BR>trying to fit in. Now I feel that if this<BR>ever comes out our marriage will be judged<BR>on this alone. I would rather keep this<BR>private if thats at all possible.<P>Im sorry that you have worries about your H<BR>getting involved because of his feelings for<BR>oc. Are you doing anything else to work on<BR>the marriage? Maybe you've said but I cant<BR>recall. My youngest s is really starting to<BR>cry so I'll have to go. Take care and talk<BR>to you soon.<P><BR>