I am yet another new member to this awesome forum. I found it after reading "Surviving an Affair" and have read a few of the stories in this forum. My wife of almost 8 yrs. told me on Aug.27th that she had an affair and was pregnant. Wow! I almost threw up from the sudden shock and emotional overload. Well, it's been a roller coaster ride for the last 5 wks. and I don't know what to do. She had left in June 1999 until Dec. 1999, but came back because she thought she had her issues of the past settled. Little did I know that OM was already a friend and probably already meeting some of the needs I should have been meeting. She said she started seeing him in June and must have gotten pregnant about the middle of July. We have 2 kids, girl almost 7, and boy 4, both which are with me. There are so many questions..is she going to keep the baby? Should she or shouldn't she? My biggest question is about letting the kids see their mom when she is showing..how do you explain to them that mommy is having a baby, but daddy isn't the daddy? I know I can't legally keep her from them, but how much harm will that do to them? I still love my wife, but she says she doesnt' want to hurt me anymore and can't make a commitment to me now. Does the fact that she had two abortions when she was a teenager affect her mindset now? All of this is so overwhelming that my mind is racing to try and know why she did this to me? Advice and prayers are appreciated. I thank God that he has prepared me for this, in that during our separation last year, I have become a much more faithful Christian and my faith in Him has comforted me so much.

Floored...<P>I bet you are.<P>There are two or three men on this forum who have been in your position that can help you. Paul Moyers is one and "K" is the other...I am sure one or both will be around shortly to talk to you.<P>You're still reeling from this awful news, Floored, and you will be for quite sometime. This is the most heartbreaking thing that can happen to a family, but don't loose heart. There are workable solutions and outcomes of great blessings. Wait til you hear from the other men here in your position. you will be stunned and amazed at how wonderful things turned out for them.<P>Beleive it or not, even though you are suffering right now more than you ever thought possible, you are actually in a much better position than the women on this forum who are dealing with OW/OC's and horrensous child support issues, harassment, and visitation issues. While this is the most unenviable situation one can imagine, one with long lasting repercussions, you will find solutions here.<P>K? Paul? Are you two lurking?<P>Keep coming here and keep posting and read everything you can to get yourself through this. We are all here for you to bounce things off of and once you've had the opportunity to talk to K or Paul, we'll all be here to offer comfort, empathy and advice.<P>you came to the right place, Floored.<P>Catnip =^^=

Floored,<BR> My son feels that his 4-yr-old daughter may not be his biological daughter (although I think she is, based on family resemblence).<P> He has never had a DNA and doesn't want one, mainly because he's doesn't want to KNOW that she's not his biological child. When he took his wife back after her month-long disappearance act with OM, he took her back as she was...bag and baggage. He loved her so very much...still does, if the truth be known, although he is moving on in his life. Sadly, she did not change her ways, and they are now divorced.<P> But, I want to tell you that this child is the joy of his life. He absolutely adores her. We all love her to pieces. It does not matter one bit to us what her DNA is. She is OURS. So, even if there is a possibility that our son is not her biological father, he is most definitely her DADDY. And, she thinks he hung the moon...a real daddy's girl!<P> K and Paul Moyers can help you learn how to deal with your situation. I just thought I'd butt in with how my son (and the rest of our family) feels about our precious little girl.<BR>

Floored,<P>I don't have any advice to offer you. I simply wanted to let you know that I am including you in my prayers. For any devoted spouse, betrayal is bad enough, but when it results in an OC it is an experience that changes your life and how you look at life forever.<P>Your W's previous abortions may have made her guilty and feel that now that she is in a position to take care of a child, there is no way she would abort another baby. Sweetpea's story pulled at my heart. If you can truly find it in your heart to accept the child and raise it as your own, then maybe that is what your W needs to hear. <P>If you truly want to save your marriage, I hope that you can convince her that you have the ability to forgive her and to open your heart to this child. And I pray that, if that is your choice, God will give you the strength to do that.<P>I hope that some of those who have first hand experience will answer you soon. Meanwhile, we will all do the very best we can to comfort you and offer whatever guidance we are capable of giving.<P>One more thing, continue to hold on to your faith. Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window. We just have to find it.<P>- Heavenly

Dear Floored (love the name; know the feeling!!),<P>As they said, there are others here who've been there and done that and doing very well at it, too! Longtimer K esp. comes to mind, raising OC by XOM as his own son. If you and your W can heal your relationship, then you can probably get through this the way these other inspirational men have. I admire them very much. If the XOW would have given up custody, I too would have raised my H's child by the OW (unfortunately not an option). You are in a great situation, in that if your marriage has strength and you raise this child together, you legally have precedence over the XOM and can probably keep him completely out of the situation--(woohoo!). On the other hand, if you think your marriage is on very shakey ground, perhaps you should check into how to protect yourself from the financial responsibility of ch-support in the case of divorce, and know what the time-limit is.<P>I'm sure someone will be along soon with better info!<P>I know this hurts but keep researching, talking, and hang in there. Wise heads say don't make any rash decisions while you're still in shock! Your kids need your stability right now; believe it or not, you are the sane one right now.<P>I am:<BR>Jenny, 2 years into recovery--woohoo!

floored,<P>I'm not here, so if any of you mention that I visited, I'll throttle you all... <P>A lot of the questions that you ask you will have very little to do with. Will she keep the child or abort, for example. How could she do this "to you"? <P>I'd certainly suggest that you start the counseling with one of the Harley's (Steve or Jenn---the office number is 888-649-1639). The main question that you have to deal with right now is:<P>Could you raise a child that isn't biologically your own?<P>I can't answer it for you. I had two children almost exactly your kid's ages when this happened to my wife. If you love kids and love your wife, then I think you can do it. I have no regrets for my wife choosing to have "our" little boy---he's an absolute delight and he has brought us closer together. There's been no involvement with his biological father (which is an advantage---but not an insurrmountable obstacle should he have wanted to be involved).<P>You have a different situation than mine was in the fact that your wife has "abandoned" your kids, and left them with you. In the case of a divorce suit, you would have a much better shot at gaining physical custody of your children. One motivating factor for me was that should I have divorced my wife, it would have been unlikely that I would have been awarded custodial care of the kids (that's just the way the courts tend to be to fathers). It wasn't really a serious consideration in terms of "Noah", but it was one of the reasons that I fought so hard for the marriage. If you decide to file for divorce now, you'd at least have an even shot at getting custody of your kids. And you'd protect yourself from additional child support issues should you and your wife attempt reconciliation and then divorce 5 years later (although I wouldn't make that a primary concern---the difference between 2 and 3 kids isn't much, and if you're raised a child for even 6 months you're probably going to feel responsible for them regardless of the dNA).<P>My suggestions to you would be the following:<P>1. Decide if you want immediate divorce. It sounds like the answer is probably no.<P>2. Start counseling.<P>3. Sit down and discuss with your wife your position on these issues: whether you would be willing to raise the child, discuss visitations with the kids, etc. You want to do this as lovingly and as "Plan A"-like as possible. No lovebusters (especially disrespectful judgements or selfish demands). Listen to your wife. She's probably got enough guilt to choke an elephant, and you're going to have to handle that as lovingly as possible.<P>4. Discuss a plan that you can both agree on (POJA). <P>This might not fly. She's probably unsure whether she wants the baby or not. Whatever decision SHE makes, it'll be her decision. You can support her, but in the end, she's going to make the call. But through all this listen to her, try to support her, and continue to be her husband. She's not "in love" with you now, but this situation provides you with a HUGE OPPORTUNITY to rebuild that love, should you choose to do that.<P>I've got to run, and I really won't be around much for the month of October. There are lots of people to support you here, take advantage of this tremendous resource.<P>God bless!

I can't believe how great all of you are for taking the time to comfort a stranger who is going through similar circumstances as some of you. I have been looking back in the archives of the read only forum to try and find some of K or Moyars beginning stories. I found Moyars, but it looks like K is an vetaran and I can't find his story. My kids are coming home this AM and I can't wait...they are my life right now and I sacrifice work and anything else, just to be with them. I'll keep in touch and keep reading old posts and try and get help from them. If I get stuck though, or something new comes up, I will post again. I'm amazed at this show of human spirit. Praise God for this website.

Floored:<P>Your unfortunate presence here helps us, too.<P>We're so sorry you have to be here but you couldn't have come to a better place at this extremely traumatic time in your life.<P>I am so glad you are going back through the archives and old posts so you can get to know each one of us as we get to know you. Each story is so different yet so much the same...the common thread is the feelings we share about all this. They are the same.<P>Let us help you through each level...you are probably still at the "in shock" stage and will be for quite some time. In fact, it's been two years for me and I am STILL in shock. I've accepted the fact that I will never get over this as long as I live. However, it those feelings lessen a bit with time...I am no longer 'reeling'.<P>The next stage is "denial", then sadness, anger or a combo of them all...and finally a reluctant acceptance. And, eventually, a peace. It's all very weird because this is without a doubt the very worst thing that can happen in a marriage...kind of like an affair "squared"...the affair alone is the most devastating thing in the world, then add this horrible component and you have feelings you never knew you were capable of having; and find a strength within you never realized you had.<P>But, here, we find we are not alone in this. I guess in the huge scheme of things, this doesn't happen all that often. I like to think that when the unspeakable happens, everyone finds their way here to learn how to cope and get through it. <BR>I know there are many out there without the luxury of a computer who absolutely believe they are the only ones in the world with this crisis to deal with and feeling so alone and isolated. <BR>We are so blessed to have been brought here by God and Divine Providence to learn Harley's prinicples and apply them in our own day to day lives. I believe that S. Harley was divinely inspired.<P>K is so amazing and so evolved in his thinking, beliefs; his heart is huge. He is simultaneously rebuilding his marriage and not only raising, but loving 'his son'.<P>His counsel and advice should be followed if you want to save your marriage. Please call Steve for a session to learn to deal with your issues and to help you determine what you can and cannot live with.<P>You sound like a great guy with a lot of love in his heart for his wife and children. I think it was Lennon who said, "All you need is love...ba, ba ba ba ba" <P>Stay strong and ride the tide and hang on...call Harley.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited September 30, 2000).]

Floored,<P>First let me say, I'm glad you came to this forum. I have to tell you, as you've already surmised, how supportive and informative this group can be. Even to me, and I am the one that had the affair and am pregnant currently with OMC. You'll find my posts under Slothwoman, although after a chastising from K & Just Learning and a few others, I've changed to Positive Oulook, but the posts still list as Slothwoman. I still feel like slothwoman more days than I'll admit to. <P>Today is a better day than I though I'd have ever again if I look 2 months back. This is when I told my H about the affair and the OM and the baby. I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through as I've surely been witness to my H's pain that I've caused. It hasn't been easy, however we are on a slow road to recovery.<P>Our first steps were to be open and honest. So many things I didn't want to tell my H about how I was feeling and why I did what I did because I feared hurting him worse than before. As others have stated, the guilt can really be very debilitating. I must say that I've read so much the past few months that I marvel at the strength of some men that traverse this situation with grace and dignity. It even is amazing to me to see how many W's don't even show remorse to their H's and they still try. God tells us that repentance includes sorrow for sin and a turning away from it. We shall not renounce sin unless we see it's sinfulness: until we turn away from it in heart, there will be no real change in the life. I feel like I have really and truely repented to my H & to, more importantly, God. I'm glad that you have a spiritual support group to have help you through this time as it will not be easy. I had strayed for too long of a while from my relationship with Him. <P>My H asked me a question just today, "What would you do if you were me?" I had to answer honestly and say I didn't know, because I don't.<P>I cannot conceive of hurting as much as I've seen him hurt. Yet it hurts me to my core to see the pain I've caused. Nothing had ever prepared me for these trials. <P>Know that your wife is feeling probably some what the same way. Even in your comfort, as K suggest's you do, it is hard. The comfort that my husband gave me made me feel all the more guilt. It still does today. He has made the decision to stay with me and try to raise this baby as our own. We had an ultrasound done today and it was very hard for him, bringing back all the old pain and hurt that we thought we were through. I didn't even know what to do. I really felt stupid that I didn't consider his feelings in asking him to come with me today. Seeing the baby on the screen, he said, just took him aback and brought back all the hurt and pain.<P>I am glad that K and Catnip and Just Learning have given you insight to follow steps through your decisions and issues. They were a tremendous support to me and my H when I could get him to read the post's. I'm maybe more help on giving you a clue as to what you wife feels. If she truely loves you and you her, there is hope. <P>The best advise as we all agree, is talk to a counselor, I know that Steve comes highly recommended. We started with a different counselor even before I found this forum. The steps that Dr. Harley guides you through on this sight, however, we did follow and found many good things that can be very helpful.<P>Please let me know if there is anything I can do, say or help you work through. I read these posts often, but do not butt in much as my end of the stick is somewhat different from many here. They have made me feel welcome however, and really made this difficult journey a bit more bearable.<P>My prayers and good hopes are with you and your family.<P>Postive Outlook (Slothwoman)