Is it possible to marry and go through life's ups and downs and love each other unconditionally, and faithfully 100%? Or am I living in a fantasy land. Do these marriages exist? I'm starting to get worried that I'll be alone for the rest of my life searching for someone to be faithful and committed to me and only me for the rest of our lives. Are my expectations too high?

lsm,<BR>I hope you don't mind if your question made me laugh... The thing I'm thinking is: we are probably NOT the right group of people to ask this question!!! Try some 80-somethings on their 60th anniversaries, maybe? I understand your agony in asking it. I've been in a real relationship-questioning mode myself lately. No answers!<P>God bless.

Dear L.S.M.,<P>I think like you, too. WS has damaged all the trust, love and respect in my marriage and I am only in it for the baby now. I often think about someone so faithful and devoted like you have written, to restore some joy in my life. But who knows? If you are single, you can pray to God for such a person. I have met some couples who are wonderful to each other and totally in love and committed to the end. How I wish I can live and love like that.

Dear Lostsoulmate,<P>The funniest thing of all is that many, if not all of us, believed that we were in those marriages.<P>I imagined that my H and I would not always agree on everything, but I never imagined that he would take up with an OW. I remember Catnip saying one time that she had been living a fairytale with her H before the crash. That is the way I felt too. I thought we had something so special.<P>But now I believe that we are all deluding ourselves. There is no perfect marriage, no fairytale ending. I think everyone faces something -- it may not be infidelity but it may be lack of affection or understanding -- living with someone all of your life who is cold to you can be just as bad as infidelity.<P>I think that in the back of my mind I knew that this would come someday. I remember that people used to say what a "perfect couple" we were and how lucky I was that he would NEVER cheat on me. My answer was always the same -- "He's still a man and I never say NEVER."<P>And, so, now we are ordinary - just like everyone else. But maybe that was always the reality and the "super couple" was the myth. Our feet are firmly planted in reality now. I am up to my neck in reality.<P>So maybe it is time that we deal with what is real. Accept our human frailty and deal with it. We can still make our own "happily ever after" if we re-think what that means in the real world.<P>I know, I'm babbling!! So I will stop now. I hope at least one person understood what I was trying to say.<P>- Heavenly

heavenlybody26, Your answer was perfect. I totally understand . lostsoulmate I think we have all felt as you do at one time. Hang in there life does get better. With love Flowerseed

Well I never thought I was in one of those marriages. I knew we had our problems but always thought we'd work them out somehow. Because we belonged together. Things feel so right when things are good with my H.<P>So while I know marriages/relationships aren't perfect and will always have obstacles to overcome but isn't it possible for 2 people to always overcome them and always have the desire to be together exclusively till death do us part?<P>Am I destined to be unhappy forever because these are my dreams? If not will the fog ever leave my H's eyes so he can see how good we are together?<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

heavenly,<P>you said it perfectly. i never believed in a perfect marriage. but i totally agree that we all have to deal with things in our marriage, maybe it won't be infidelity, but i see problems in some of my friends marriages i am glad i don't have to deal with. <P>it is funny because a good friend of mine once said she thought we had a terrific marriage, and she knew about the affair. she said we were an example of how you stick together and work things out. and i agree. <P>we all have our problems, maybe for us, it was infidelity, for others it may be a battering spouse, a spouse who is incapable of loving the way we would would like, gambling, alcoholism, drugs, etc. hey, we may even deal with some of those in our marriages too. but, that is life, and the real world. marriage is not always agreeing, it is finding a happy medium and accepting that things aren't perfect. how can we expect to throw 2 totally different people together and think they will never have any problems? i have problems with my sister, my dad, etc and they are my own flesh and blood!!<P>i am not in search of a perfect marriage, i only want to have a successful one. i want to work through our problems. i want to stick with it and show our love actually was perfect, in its own imperfect way. that is the gift i will give my kids someday. and they will have to forgive our imperfections and mistakes, as we will have to live with theirs.<P>i hope we all will one day have the perfect "ordinary/imperfect/whatever you want to call it marriage". it is all we can hope for. and all that really exists.....<P>have a good day. sorry i rambled. hope i made sense...<P>happy_girl

This turned out to be an outstanding thread.<P>I know exactly the pain and disaapointment you feel deep in your soul, lostsoulmate. I still can't believe he was capable of THIS, of all things. <BR>We also have the complications of financial disaster, his mental illness and alcoholism and I hate to tell you, there have been maybe five or six times of minor physical abuse (grabbing wrists, up against the wall and being screamed at) and many instances of emotional/verbal abuse. <P>In the BIG scheme of things, those incidents were few and far between over the course of twenty years and I remember thinking, "Well, at least he doesn't cheat...he would never be with someone else, he's just way too in love with me." Looking back, that ain't love and I wonder now why I tolerated it then.<P>So, I put up with his manic episodes and his occasional, albiet rare, nasty treatment because of the exclusivity and the fidelity. <BR>Now that is gone forever and there is nothing of value to me in this marraige except for the incredible chemistry...it can't be all about outstanding sex either. Big deal. Eventually, there could be someone else out there who could scratch the itch as great as he could.<P>Happy girl, you said it best when you said you weren't in search of the perfect marriage, only a successful one. Your husband is a lucky man...you have a great attitude, that's probably why you're a Happy Girl.<P>Heavenly: <P>You said that somewhere in the back of your mind you might have thought that infidelity could happen. <P>I never thought that my husband would ever cheat, not in a million bazillion years. It was impossible to even entertain the notion. I know a lot of my problem today is the inability to accept what has happened....and then the horror of all horrors, a child! My God!<P>I naively assumed that God had given me this problematic, high-maintenance man and that my problem began and ended with his reckless wheeling and dealing. I was absolutely sure that God would never allow my husband to take up with someone else, let alone allow a child to be conceived.<P>I remember standing on the balcony down in Florida when I was visiting my Mother just two days after discovery of the pregnancy. I was a million times more distraught over this news than I had been of the affair itself. <BR>The affair discovery had me grief-stricken beyond belief and when the second awful blow/discovery became known, I didn't think I could get on the plane...I would have wished it to crash if I would have been the only one on it and I have a debilitating fear of flying. I used to have to drink myself stupid an hour before take off, even if it were a 7 AM flight, just to get through it. And I'm not a drinker.<P>This flight, I boarded without so much as a whimper, sat in my seat and cried all the way to Florida.<P>I stood on the balcony the next morning at dawn before anyone was up, looked over the ocean and prayed like I had never prayed before..."Dear God in Heaven, please don't let it be true" over and over again.<P>Meanwhile, while I was in Florida, my husband and I had only been reconciled for a couple weeks, he was home again. He stayed here and spent at least 10 hours on the phone with the OW after promising me he wouldn't speak to her again. Well, it was the last time he spoke to her, but I deeply resent he spent 10 hours on the phone with her while I was gone, saying to her what could have been said in ten minutes.<P>I'll never forget that morning or that two weeks as long as I live.<P>Today, I can't beleive what has happened in two years. I look back and wonder what the purpose was. Some people say that it happened to make me 'strong'...well, thanks anyway, but I already had the strength of Zeus. Am I to learn compassion? No, got plenty of that. Am I to assist others going through this? Always available, always empathetic. Can't be that. There has to be a purpose for this massive destruction. Each one of us will find out what it is. I guess our job is to pay attention to the subtlities and recognize the purpose for the heartache, the lesson to be learned...to use what we have gone through to comfort others/newbies. I just wish God would have made men stronger and more mature. They all seem to be such children.<P>Yap, yap, yap...who put a nickel in me? It isn't even my thread, sorry LSM.<P>There has to be a pony in here somewhere.<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited October 03, 2000).]

And another thing.....hahahaha! Just kidding.<P>Catnip =^^=

LSM,<P>I can't add much to what everyone has already said. I can only say that I realized that I had unknowingly and naively believed my H was different from so many other men. He wasn't...he isn't. I didn't think he was beyond doing what he did to me...I just NEVER thought he would because I believed that whatever problems we were having, sleeping with someone else was NEVER an option for me. HELLO! Well too bad it wasn't that way for him. *big sigh*...but like everyone else has said, we take the bad with the good. Some things are more bad...but my feeling on this situation is: This is NOT the worse thing that could happen to me in my life. It's a bad thing, yes. Devastating, no doubt. Heartbreaking and hurtful...absolutely. Surviveable? Absolutely! My children and their happiness and saftey are more important to me than anything my H could have ever done to me or our marriage. That helps me to keep things in perspective. I think about what I COULD be crying about..what I COULD be grieving about...and for me, I'd much rather deal with this. The much lesser of two evils. I don't know if I've answered your question, but I hope I've helped in some small way. <P>Comfort

Well said Comfort!<P>When you look at the grand scheme of life -- this is definitely NOT the worst thing that could ever happen.<P>That old saying is ture - "Count your blessings" and that's where you find how wonderful your life truly is.<P>LSM - hope you are feeling a bit better...<P>- Heavenly

Heavenly,<P>Oh yeah! And I try to count mine everyday! One of my newest blessings was finding this place and all of you. Thanks!<P>LSM: I, too, hope you're feeling better...even if it's just a little bit..day by day.<P><BR>Comfort