I have read a couple of posts and have gotten the impression that some of you think I am wrong in what I am doing with the OW. Let me explain something. One I am so angry and bitter it eats me up inside. I am confused and comsumed with hate. I don't like to be this way. Maybe I am wrong, and maybe I am right, I don't know. If there is a set of rules for the way a person is suppose to deal with this type of thing..Please direct me there. I am trying to get rid of this unyeilding anger, by conquering it, the best way I know how. If that means being decent to the OW then so be it. But don't think for one min that I forget or even forgive. If you think I am blind to what the OW wants or does, I am not. If you think I forget how she would pick him up at motels so I wouldn't know his car was there, and email me telling me that she hasn't seen him, your wrong. Or, how she told me she sleeps with my husband because I won't. Or how everytime he has contacted her, it was thrown in my face like a bomb. Or how I have to hear that he has done this before, from her, so it's not her fault, and that he will do it again, which both are probably true. None of this is forgotten, nor do I think it will ever be. I was decieved, I was flat out lie too, and minipulated. I know all of this way too well. I am guilty, however, of wanting to pretend this didnt happen, so very guilty. I just want it to go away. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be angry, I just want to be happy and secure. I don't think I am being judged here, but maybe its me that don't belong here, or atleast until I figure out what the h%$# I am going to do, or what I want. I am just lost. I didn't mean come off as odd, or dumb, but I see that I did. Sorry.

Dear Noodles,<P>If you want to read Notable Posts/Threads you can go to FIND and type NSR. Then title : Notable Posts/Threads.<P>There you will get to read past discussions on various issues including Plan A, Therapy, Anger Management, etc..<P>I hope you are not suppressing or reppressing your real feelings. I do not know whether it works for some people, maybe it does if you belong to the group of people who can let go of hurts and is the happy-go-lucky, unfazed sort. I know of someone who choose not to deal with her problems even if they are looming in her face because she doesn't have the time, energy or money to do so. She is the practical sort and would rather not delve and analyse stuff. But she is by no means dumb; she is very educated and highly successful in her job. She has a heart of gold but believes that there are horrid people out there - so she is nobody's fool, she just doesn't want to open the pandora's box; all she needs is not to know.<P>She is a personal friend and she is very rare, even her mother tells me that. Maybe God blessed her with lots of work to do and practical tasks to achieve and children and husband to feed so that she doesn't have the idle time to delve into the same tough problems (which she has admitted to). Because I don't think she can take it that one time when she had a breakdown. Then she pulled herself together again and worked till she is dogged tired by taking on part-time jobs after the full-time one.<P>Generally, most of us have to grieve and accept that the hurts are there and face the issues and look for help to heal and forgive and let go, and rebuild and restore. We become wiser and look to make the marriage stronger and bring up wiser children. The path is tough but if you can pop over to Recovery and read Is this healing (or something like this), you will be able to find some great reflections on how some of them got there even after a 10 year infidelity, etc.<P>God bless you<BR>weep

Noodles,<P>Honey, please do not leave...and you did not come off as dumb or even odd.<P>I tried the same thing as you did. In the beginning I tried to be on friendly terms with OW. That led to great trouble for us. My philosophy at the time was kinda "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". Plus I thought that if she came more comfortable with me then maybe she would come to me instead of my H. I really remember feeling frantic all the time. I always wanted to answer the phone...I always had to be the one to check the mail...I was so afraid if more secrets between the two of them. There had already been so many. I mean I would check our messages from elsewhere...when I would get home I would *69 to see who had called last...I was constantly going through my H's stuff...it was a nightmare.<P>Here is how it backfired....OW called me one day and hinted that there had been more to the affair than what he had told me and that she had backed him up on these lies. But now she realized what a good person I was and she just felt so bad. I told her she had opened another can of worms by just hinting and she might as well tell me what was on her mind. She started with some facts like I had been told the affair was only 1 month and it was more like 8 months. Different things such as that, but see she got angry about some things.<P>(MY H is army and he was in another state for over a year and he was only supposed to have been there for 3 months...FYI)<P>He had come to visit me for about a week. He told her he slept on the couch and we didnt sleep togehter..(I didnt have a clue about her then) Well, of course that wasnt true. She was very upset about that and said that even if she were to ask him about that today he would deny sleeping with me. She got very upset over it all and actually said to me "is nothing sacred to him?!" Well...obviosly not! She was really in love with him and she honestly felt he loved her too. For some reason I felt really bad for her...THEN.<P>Well...a few days of this talking back and she called me at like 7 am her time...9 am mine, so she knew my H was already gone to work and she told me she had been up all night and she just HAD to ask me something.<P>PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE OR OFFENDED EASILY...I will try to word it as g rated as I can.<P>The way she said it was very x rated but she basically asked if she was the first one to make my H EXTREMELY excited by oral sex. I hope you caught on to that. Well...needless to say I totally freaked...called my H at work...he called the phone co and changed out #.<P>Moral of the story? You can not be friends..it will eventually backfire. It is ok to be civil for the sake of the child, but just know where to draw the line...BOTH of you! Talk about the OC only and only when you have to talk. Never tell each other personal things...that only gives away ammo.<BR>As some very wise person in here said....she can be mom and he can be dad, but they CAN NOT co-parent. I think that is where a lot of OW get confused and angry. They try and act like the ex-wife and think they have the same rights and should get the same treatment and respect. Well they shouldnt and they dont.<P>You are a very caring and compassionate woman and God will bless you greatly for that, but remeber your priority is to your H and children, not OW and OC.<P>Want some help in letting go and letting them deal with it? Read Genesis 21. You might have to backtrack a little for the background if you are not familiar with the story. Have your H read it also.<P>God Bless...<P>Mending Wings<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited October 16, 2000).]

Noodles:<P>We all have our own opionin here, which is good.<P>I would never want to deal with the OW in the way that you are dealing with her. My only contact would be concerning the OCs. At first, I wanted to know what, who, where, when. But then I had to ask myself, does in really matters? Do I want to really know the gorgy details? Do I want to know what my H did with this OW? After I thought about, I decided that I did not want to know and if the OW came to me and attempt to tell me, I would tell her in not-so-many-words that I do not want to know. That my H and I are working on restoring our relationship.<P>I know that we are different in our wants and needs. And what some of us need, others do not.<BR>I hope that you stay on the board and try to love yourself and understand your needs. Ask yourself this: If after you find out everything that happen, what different will it make? Will it help you to understand and forgive him? Will it help you to understand and forgive the OW? Do you want closure? Do you want to save your marriage? To save your marriage you need to be able to forgive. <BR>I have learned that I needed to have a forgiving spirit and understand that my H is human and the fact that he is willing and wanting to do right by me (even at times is may be hard for him to let me know what his <BR>feeling are) helps me to understand.<BR>Remember to Let Go and Let GOD handle it.<BR>ITS<P>P.S. I hope that I do not offend anyone.<BR>

I would like to take a min to thank all of you Ladies/gents who have given me words of encouragement, hope, and a differant perspective. I have been reading the posts for the last few days, and you know what? I was suddenly inspired to be nice to my H. Yes, to be nice, to let go of the anger for one day, that is what I told myself just to see how it felt. I was so rapped up in finding out the truth and conquring the situation, that I simply forgot what this whole thing was about...My Marriage. Thankful to those who pointed it out to me (see this forum is doing some good, if it make someone as stubborn as me think..hey maybe there is a differant way to go about this.) Thanks again for the wake up call!!!!! I know you all are wondering just how it went, right, well, it was great. All I had to do was call him from work yesterday, and simply tell him I loved him, and that I was glad I married him. And Wham! I came home from work to a clean house, and a roast in the oven, he even went to the trouble of bathing the kids and making them look nice (which is no small chore, because I have 4kids,ages 5mth,4,7,8) This is all a very big deal to me because one, the man don't know how to cook!(had to call my sister to ask how to make a roast, then he barrowed one from her..hehehe) and as long as I have known him, he has NEVER cleaned the house. All of this he did, because of a few kind words, which he has not heard from me in a long time. I got my courage to let my guard down for one day, from all of you. It was worth it...Think we are on our way back to being H & W, instead of two prize fighters. YIPPEE!!!!

That is so sweet Noodles...so very encouraging! I am so glad for you...it feels good doesnt it.

Dear Noodles<P>Love you story. <P>You are inspiring me to be nice back to my WS, now, should I start smiling at him? <P>Sex, yes, done. Smiling - I don't know???? <P>So happy for you<BR>weep

Weep-<BR>You know something you said, really grabbed me, I think it was <P>"Sex, yes, done. Smiling - I don't know???? "<P>I have had the same problem. Sex was easy, but the really intimate things, such as kissing hugging and smiling were hard to do. Almost impossible at times. I think what it was for me is (and this might sound insane) It was hard to kiss the lips that lied. Hard to take comfort in the arm of the one who cause me so much pain. And in my mind smiling at him, ment letting go of what he had done, and the fear that if it was that easy to get me to forgive him, and becoming me again, my old smiling self, instead of wanting him to see me suffer all the time, so in a way he suffered along with me. Sex was easy, because it was a do or die in my mind, If I didn't he would surely go to her who would, It was sorta a territorial thing..you know like the dog who goings and wee-wees all around his boundries..hahaha My thoughts on that anyway. But I will tell you this, when you smile at them, they smile back at you, with love, admiration, and respect. Maybe it takes this small jesture for them to realize, that we the W love them in the GOOD times and the Bad. That is why we are the W.

Noodles..I loved the dog wee wee thing..that just totally made my night..lol...that was great!!!