Last week my H and OW went to a mediator to work out CS and visitation for OC. The mediator asked that only the two of them attend. I expressed my views to my H on what limits I had & was ok with him doing this. Guess I thought that the results of this might give me an indication of where things are going & his real dedication to making our relationship work. Note: he an OW are still working together and to date he has not told her that he is going to stay with his wife and children. He says he is concerned she might jepordize his job if she thought it was over. <P>So he came home & described what went on & the agreement they came to on $$, insurance, etc. Then it came to visitation & mediator says "well, the father has rights to 85 days of visitation". Well, OW comes unglued & will only allow it if it occurs at her house with her present. Mediator asks for me & H to come in today so she can see where I am at on this & if OW has foundation for her fears. <P>At this meeting she asked "what would ideal 6 mths from now be". I said, given that I could not change the past, the best future for the child would be for OW to go on with her life and find father for OC. Mediator says "but she has a father". I say, no a father is in there life daily, not a few hours every few days. That what this child has is a sperm donor (my H). And that second option would be for us to raise child, then finally to share custody. Mediator says "you are just thinking about what is best for you". And at this point I get a little mad and say no, this is what I HONESTLY think is best for the child and that I, as an adult, think all the other adults (H and OW) should set their own self centered needs aside & let this child have two parents in it's life full-time. And that all this chaos of bio-father and future possible step father, etc. is just crazy to think the child is benefitting. Best #1 option is for OW to find the child a father & go raise that child.<P>My H says he thinks he should be in this childs life, etc. And if he honestly thinks that, then I guess we will do shared custody. But I just cannot allow it to occur at her house. And I know most of you feel the same. I just need to write all this down & get feedback on if I am nuts or not <P>Mediator (who is female) did tell my H that he needed to make some decisions & get all the roles & relationships clearly defined. She also said it sounded like he should be finding another job. That 10 yrs from the OW could threaten to go to his employer & claim harrasement (even if she has left the job by then). Mediator wasn't sure why my H would let that cloud hang over him. I am begining to think that if my H could live 3 days a week at our house & three at OW house, he would do it. Talk about conflict avoider. He is the king.<P>Thanks for all the support all of you have given over the past few months. I could easily have sat this morning and had these two folks making me think that I was the terrible person in all this for not allowing H to go visit OC at OW house and for thinking that my H was just a sprem donor and he could not ever be a complete father. Heck, he is barely a father to our two boys, how is he going to spend all that time over there & still parent them? Thanks to all of you I know better.<P>Take care... Carolyn

Carolyn:<P>I am so proud of you for sticking to your guns and not allow that 'mediator' cow you into thinking you are 'just thinking of yourself'. I mean, has she no concept of who the victims are here? <P>You are not nuts and you are seeing things clearly and realistically...and the best part is that you refuse to be pushed around. Bravo, Carolyn.<P>Absolutely, the best scenario is for OW to find a chump...er, 'husband' to father her child. Then for your husband to find other employment and cut off ALL contact, and if this is not possible, you must accompany him to pick up and drop off child. OW cannot take your money then refuse visitation. It is up to your husband where child will visit. Of course, it should be at your house. If OW doesn't like it, too bad. Why should she be able to call ALL the shots? She's already altered your life forever...now this, too?<P>When my husband was on the fence as to whether or not he should be involved in the child's life, I reminded him that he was not a very good father to the ones we already had. I reminded him he was uninvolved and didn't go out of his way for the kids. He was nice and pleasant, but wasn't proactive. He looked at me and said, "So what you are saying is 'don't change now', am I right?" Bingo.<P>If your husband is not a stellar dad to your children, he should not be imposing himself on this new OC who may have an opportunity to bond with the OW's new spouse, whoever it may be. It is such a tragedy what these children will be forced to endure and be deprived of simply because these selfish OW's insist on keeping the OC's instead of giving them up to decent two parent homes.<P>Tell that 'mediator' that it isn't YOU who is thinking of herself, but the selfish OW who is depriving her child of a decent home and ruining yours.<P>Instead the OW's prefer to complicate our lives and cause us endless sandess and hardship and keep the OC's living a life of lonliness and struggle. It's a disgrace. I hate them for their blatant selfishness and the incredible stupidity of the so-called 'mediators' out there that refuse to see the realities of the situation.<P>Stay strong, Carolyn...you're definitely on the right track. Don't let anyone persuade you into thinking that you are heartless or selfish, because it just ain't true.<P>Catnip =^^=

Thank you Catnip. I knew in my heart that I wasn't the guilty party in all this. In fact, the mediator said at one point "there are three innocent people in this" and proceeded to say "the three children". I guess I was supposed to be a guilty party & forced the two of them into bed! Oh well, once again the insite I had gained from all you folks really did help me keep my cool & not back down.<P>And my H is not a real great dad. Most folks think I am a single mom already (ball parks, school programs, church, etc. I am there by myself). I raised his D by his first marriage while he worked, golfed, etc. One Halloween when I was pregnant with my oldest and his D was about 11, he didn't make it home when he said he would. I call around & he has folks tell me he isn't there (he was at a bar gambling... yes I think he has some issues). I should have ran then & not looked back. Anyway, I just don't see him getting up & getting active now with this child. He is just too self centered & doesn't like anything to interfer with his agenda.<P>Thank you again for your support. Take care... Carolyn <P>

<BR>Takingcare, <P>YOU DA WOMAN!!<P>I've been through this crap with my wife. "I have to think of what's best for the kids." Well, gee, how about not commiting adultry for starters! <BR>The marriage has to come first. Everything came from the marriage, the marriage is the foundation on which everything is built!! The best thing for the kids is a stable home, loving parents, and a husband-wife role model they can learn from so they won't have to go through this hell when they marry!!<BR> If the kids REALLY came first, this mess would have never happened in the first place! Sperm donors have no rights!!!!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Lynton

<BR>TC,<P>A few quick points. First, getting nailed to the income shares cross involves your H being assigned an earning capacity. Many times, switching jobs involves taking a salary hit which can involve a reduction in salary of 25% or more. The family courts regard this action as purely voluntary on his part, even if it were done to preclude harassment litigation downstream. The assigned earning capacity REMAINS at the higher value, meaning that the amount you pay every month will stay the same, even though his earnings could very well decrease. Its the same with moving to another area - the courts don't care what the cost of living is. They simply assign the higher income and tell the NCP to fork over the money.<P>Second, as catnip notes, now that the courts are getting involved, your H really does have a one right. And that is the right to uninterfered parenting time with the child. The OW may dislike the idea of the H taking the child to your house, but unless she can show that it isn't in the (drum roll, please) "best interests of the child," she will not prevail in court. She opened the litigation can of worms, and she's in no position to whine about someone exercising his parenting rights - even over her self-serving objections.<P>IMO, you should NEVER agree to your H spending time at the OW's house. That's an invitation to reigniting the affair. Its NOT an acceptable option.<P>Bystander<BR>

Thanks Bystander. Yes, I know about the income thing & lose of job. We will still be hung. It is a rock & a hard place. <P>I am sticking to my guns on this visitation thing. It will occur over here or else. That is final. If she is that worried she shouldn't have had a child with a married man. Maybe she will pack up & move to another state. I guess that is her option. I don't think it fits her agenda though. She still wants my H. <P>Thanks for looking out for us all & passing on the advice about all the "gotchas" in the law. <P>Carolyn